moonlit.

tonight, as we lay tipsy on the shores of the island
there was an exchange of promises of each others' lives.

i said yes, i do.
it's a long road ahead but yes, i do.
there is no other.

he slipped the ring on my finger.

circle

i think it's interesting how a symbol of commitment is different for everyone.
it could be a house, or a pair of diamond earrings.
might be just words, or in black and white.

i got what i wanted today, i wonder if it's really something that i really want
it's a huge promise after all, at least on my part.
O
it's simple, it's plain
all i want (:

thanks yang

bring it.

bukan main emo lagi aku kebelakangan ini
entah lah
mungkin hanya sebab ku mempunyai masa yang terluang buatku memikirkan perkara yang tidak patut mengganggu perasaanku.
tetapi ku sedar, tiap akhir tahun, ku mesti terbelenggu dengan masalah yang timbul secara automatik. ku berusaha untuk menyisihkan perasaan semua itu dengan melakukan aktiviti lain.

i can't type for nuts in malay. sounds like some really bad malay novel. +_+
buntu dibuatnya.

i spent 45 minutes talking to a cab driver who made me feel like i was going all over town and not exactly headed to my destination. i got there in the end anyway but during the journey, he talked about his family, how his grandsons are more interested in dancing, singing, playing video games, snooker and pool and constantly failing in their exams. how his own kids are pretty smart but have dumb twits for kids. he's proud of his wife whom he loves very much, and he appreciates a smart woman who chose him to be a partner for life. and on he yakked. about unscrupulous taxi drivers, who cheat, including himself. the fares that skyrocket when it rains, when it's a certain area. he was cool. he's just one of the many many faces out there who are looking to make a living, to fill in time that goes by. i wonder if i would live to an age where i would also fit seamlessly in that sea of people who are all just working to get by.

i don't want to work to get by, i don't want to be the person who works their whole lives away and not see what it really is like out there. i realise that my family's scared. they are always scared. of going out, cause it's a bad world out there. of being robbed/killed, because the papers sell such news. SENSATIONALISM. now that's something that came right out of my finals paper. lol. well of course! it's because such news sell. i mean, who would want to read about 'heroic' deeds like rescuing drowning cats and dogs all day?

i want to live. like i've never been afraid. you get so scared that about the world out there that you forget what it is like to be fearless and to just go where you will. i think i have become one of those people - the ones who are scared of things to happen.

i read of stories where people experience life-changing ideas and i'm inspired to do the same.
it's nothing when all you do is just to read about it and then let it pass you by.
when opportunity comes knocking once, it won't come around again.
i know i've let up a number of chances to get to where i want to be
and while i regret those, i hope that for the year to come, i will reach out and be a part of a life that wants more than just a bystander.

i'm a player, baby. (:

eat this.

i don't have a lot to say on the account that not a lot has happened
i just felt like being pissy right here, for no logical reason known to man.
it's like getting a brand new top and you wear it out, cause it looks oh-so-cool and nice etc
and you didn't realise it at first, but the tag that u forgot to take out is at the back of your neck
and it's annoying the begeezus out of you
you think of a million ways to discreetly get it out of your nape without losing any face over the little tag.
but you're stuck with it til you get home, and when you do, you yank it over ur head and rip that damn thing off. mission accomplished.

yeah that's how i feel like some days.
something is annoying the pee out of me but i can't figure out what the fuck it is.

i've got too much time on my hands babes

boleh tak kalau aku nak balik sekolah skrang?

and cookie jar is THE SHIT right now, fucking sensual, oh think of swaying hips, and bodies that melt together when the mood is right, the way you grind as the music flows.
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. damn hot.

i got a splinter from that one.

i cling on you like pandas cling onto trees for life.
but you start to defy my arms and legs
i get scars from when you push me away
so i fall off but i don't leave.

that's just how i feel about some people i got to know.
the ones who stay, i'm ever so thankful.
but the ones who made excuses, who didn't care anymore
who turned into faces i don't recognize
yeah, you pushed me away.
i would have stayed forever.
and you know it.

i wouldn't have left for the world
and yet i hear endless excuses and whatnot about no time, no money, no nothing, no love left for me.
so i'm out in the cold. in the rain.
and you gave up someone who would be with you through thick and thin.
fair weathered friends? i know plenty.
laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone.

i guess people always leave
and it's always hard to accept that.
it's happened so many times, different ways and sometimes they are the same person who came as fast as they left, sometimes it's just someone i didn't think i'd miss, sometimes it's someone i didn't expect to go, mostly i just think of those who left me out.

as insignificant one may be, karma returns to bite.
later on in life maybe, or it could be tomorrow
but nevertheless, i'm glad i never wronged anyone who left.
i had not lied or hurt you, you whom i once cared so much about.
and you've wasted it all and dumped it where you know i'd find it.

i'm still so emo over people who don't care about me anymore because i still think about you sometimes. i think about how we had that barbecue party at the park, when we first tried a cigarette, when we cried together over ex boyfriends who didn't want us anymore, when we got drunk and became the laughing stock of the party. when so many things happened and within that moment, it couldn't be the same if it wasn't you.

you took a little piece of me when you left for good.
i just wonder if you think about me sometimes like i think about you.

don't ask.

ko ni mmg pantat ko paham tak?
nak aje menganggu hidup org lain
yg kite ni tak kacau sesiapa pun
ko ni nak buat hal tu apasal?
dah tak cukup kerja tu, nak cari kerja lain la iye?
bila masa ko ni menyibuk sgt hal org lain
cam pukimak lebih
jaga tepi kain orang aje pandai
pergilah blaja sungguh-sungguh.
bukan main mengada lagi
muka kau tu mmg nak kena sepak ngan aku
tak puas betul aku tengok muka yg menyampah lebih lebih tu

geram gila bila aku pikir pasal pompuan ni
kan aku dah gembira ngan hidup aku ni
tak tentu pasal dia nak muncul jugak
siapa yg bagi kad jemputan nih?
ko tak erti pon
ko betul tak paham la
yang kau tu buta ke, bodoh ke, pekak ke?
buat apa ko nak campur tangan dlm hidup ku ni?
adakah sesiapa tu suruh awak menyibuk dekat hidup aku nih?

aku letih nak merajuk pasal betina ni
lebih lagi aku tak reti nak gaduh ngan dia pasal orang yg tak bermaruah ni
yang kau tu nak rebut ngan aku
memang dah tak leh lawan la
kecuali kau tu menggunakan cara yang terlalu melampau
kalau cam tu, memang la aku tak leh rebut pon sbb kau tu menggunakan taktik yg kotor

bila pikirkan pasal pompuan ni
memang naik darah aku
bukan pasal aku takut dia meninggalkan aku
tapi pasal dia mungkin menggoda dan mencuri hatinya
yang hak milik aku, tetap hak milik aku

pompuan jalang, kau jgn harap nak berebut ngan aku
aku mesti pikir cara musnahkan kau.

point blank.

the past few days have been trivial. nothing to rave and get all smiley about.
but here's a little confession. i make it a point to read other blogs before i start writing a new post here. it gets me in the mood, to put things down to a little detail before i miss out on what was so exciting yesterday, or what got me swinging from the moonbeams the day before.

i haven't had an exciting, heart-thumping, adrenaline-rushing day in a while now.
the blurry images of rushing about town, getting chores done in time so i could leave the house in a rush to do more things in a rush. as always, it seems that there's never enough time to do what you really want to do with the people you want to do things with. do i make sense? even if you don't understand, at least i do.

my day consists of a cup of nescafe + creamer + sugar to kick it off and then some chores. Some reading accomplished. More chores. i surf online. e-mails, facebook haha, watch an episode or two of the L word, more chores. take a shower. watch a chinese tv drama. dinner calls now. and then night falls. msn beeps. it's about 1am before you know it. shut-eye time.

it is what it is what it is.
somebody drag me to a party, where i will beg to go home because i can't stand the noise now.
no shit.

game over.

i think it's fairly common that we talk to ourselves.
i just did as i was in the shower, i still am doing it as i am typing this.
a lot of people don't admit that they talk to themselves cause then they'll be labeled crazy.
well that's fine by me, because i think it's perfectly fine to voice out to oneself what he/she thinks at that moment. it could be an idea or rehearsing a part of a conversation you want to be a part of, even just random thoughts like how you would like very much to strangle that lady who gave you the evil eye for wearing that red lacy tube.
oh where am i heading with this?

the point here is, that i was talking to myself in the bathroom 5 minutes ago because i don't want to be a part of the cina-beng community. i saw that happening with my cousin. she studied journalism, a branch of communications, at a private university where it is famous for the multitudes of ah-bengs who go there. now, i've always had relatives telling me that since i'm also interested in this field, not journalism in particular if you must know, i should also attend that university because
#1, she attended that university, therefore it MUST be good.
#2, she has 'graduated' from that university, hence it's a worthwhile experience.
#3, she obtained a government loan for her entire course, so it is easier on everyone's pockets.

well, to all this i say, bullshit.
i don't want to be stuck in some ah-beng land wondering what the fishballs i'm doing in here.
why should i follow your footsteps? just because you're older, supposedly wiser? gosh it's such a joke really. i don't know why exactly i'm on a rant for this, since the topic has closed ages ago among my family members. but this train of thought has led me to the station where it is concluded that all the chinese people that i know, especially my family, are just being mengada. no, seriously. every little detail of everyone's lives are spread out on the dining table, from who did what at the office, to whose fault is it that the washing machine broke down yet again.

i have no right to bash other races when i don't understand their culture, the way things work in their circle etc but when it comes to me, the 1/2 of me that understands how the chinese work, yes i have every right to take to the bat and swing as hard as i can in the faces of one billion chinese people out there.

it's annoying. i don't want to end up studying, working with, living with chinese people who are so closed minded all my life. i saw that happening to my cousin and she's not out there at all. i mean for what it's worth, i've seen and experienced more in my 20 years than she ever will. it's no thanks to the upbringing, where everything that was labeled 'accordingly' and she probably never broke a law. she's picture perfect in everyone's eyes and can do no wrong.

oh puh-lease. spare me the cheese and just bring it on.
a classic example of how much they trust her decisions and opinions is when her parents went away for a short getaway and left her at home. now my grandmother definitely favours her, other than my eldest brother. i don't know what is so special about them, but they are her favourites alright. she used to get twice as much as we do for chinese new year, and sometimes even triple. of course back then, i used to whine like fuck cause she'd get over one k, and i wouldn't even reach a hundred bucks. but i digress, she's home alone and my grandmother wants to check up on her, "oh have you had dinner yet?" bla bla bla... and the thing is, she was also invited to sleep at our place while her parents were away. and that's cool.

BUT SHE SAID NO. *jeng jeng jengggggggg*!
her reason was that she wants to stay at home and study and besides she has got friends coming to sleepover, so no worries darling grandma, she'll be fine.

oh how nice...

so my grandma concedes defeat and tells her, okay darling, take care and be good.
a couple of nights later, the old lady calls up the house and wants to know if she's eaten yet etc.
to HER surprise, not mine definitely, no one answers.
well duh, you didn't actually think she'd be sitting at home, WAITING for your phone call?

geez man, does it take a genius to figure out that by now? fuck you guys are slow.
she ain't no saint. you guys just put her up on a pedestal to make her look gorgeous when all she really is, is human like the rest of us.
and i totally laughed in my grandma's face. i swear.
i was discreet about it, i was politically correct.
but i won an enormous victory that night and i'll never let anyone forget about it.

you see, i don't have a personal vendetta against my cousin.
she's alright y'know.
but my chinese family has had it in their mind to create some sort of rivalry, so that we can compete and see who emerges the winner.
in all our 'contests' so far, i've always lost because i never did give a shit about winning anybody's affections by brown-nosing and licking boots.
it started when we were damn young and it has continued til now.
gimme a break la ok
even if you're not sick of it, i am!
and no one was being fair.
i'm two years younger, damnit!
obviously i lose out on time.
if i may say so, i make up for it with charm and wit and streetwise skills she doesn't have.

still, even with all my bonus features, they aren't happy with the end result.
and after my grandma gave up calling my cousin that night, i could see that she was contemplating about how could her beloved favourite grand-daughter could be someone she never thought she'd be, like me.

sorry to burst your bubble. but damn right i did.

i dislike favoritism, even if it does have it's pros and cons.
it makes us detest one another, breaks sibling relationships and just make things sour.
so fuck it i say.
all this while, you pretend in front of everyone that it's fine and dandy
but inside, you're just burning to tell it all out, that so-and-so's a fat liar, and just have things out in the light instead of always being seen as the underachiever and ridiculed for what we really are.

i never said i would hide, but i don't have a choice.
if i ever told anyone in my family how i really am, what i really do,
chances are they'll just push me further down and ignorance is always blissful in the chinese community.


sungguh mencibaikan.

i wanna tap that.

quantum of solace. it sounds suave, debonair, cool, bond-ish, but i don't understand what it means.
+_+ i watched it yesterday with the pirate. boleh-lah. it can pass off as an action-packed flick, with the near hits and misses, the bloody clothes, Daniel Craig's tight ass and how could i forget the Bond girl whose name i can't pronounce? Olga something something. SHE'S SMOKING HOT. imma gonna go google her nude, i mean her super sexy body shots :D

to be honest, it was pretty unrealistic as to how this movie went down. a secret agent seeking revenge for his dead traitorous ex-girlfriend. and how is it possible that 007 could still be jumping around like a cat on hot coals in a burning hotel, shouldn't he be suffocating to death already? and nobody drives an aston martin with the driver's car door missing +_+ and all of a sudden he's in the middle of a desert. wei beb, tak masuk akal la. but i don't care, olga's still hotness personified.

i'm not a fan of Bond, not even going gaga when Pierce Brosnan was the shit. It's just one of those cult based things i didn't bother being a part of. i'd much rather be part of a fan base where the idol is... *points at picture*



how can you not WORSHIP such a body! @_@
siiiiiigh.....
















other than raving over her stunning body, yesterday was fun. it's been awhile, and a lot of issues came up and we're emo people. hahahaha. he's been hanging out too much with me. i sorta forgot how to chill out with friends. it's weird i know. but i gotta work on that :)

warning: tearjerker effect

i'm not a hopeless romantic, neither am i a sucker for loveydovey shit
but i can be a sap and a big baby when it comes to certain things.
it's very ungirlyfied of me but fuck that.
who cares?
so i've heard of P/S: I Love You, the book and the movie.
i know how the story goes, good looking couple, man dies and leaves behind letters for his wife bla bla bla aww damn sweet such things are practically extinct
but yes, i watched the movie for the first time yesterday and couldn't stop crying from the 30th minute of run-time +_+
oh i'm sorry i'm a crybaby but seriously it's fucking sad and fucking emo and damn sweet at the same time
and it's damn POTONG STEAM cause my brother came around and made me pause the movie while he used the printer @_@ nia cipettttt!
but honestly, if you don't at least tear watching this, you memang mou sum kon (no heart! no soul!)
i thought the couple resembled some people i know (;
and that what he did for her, the events planned out for an entire year, letting her move on, giving her freedom to move on and fall in love again, omg damn wai tai (generous) cause no shit, i can't pull that!
it's just another love story for a lot of people, but the thought of merely being just a chapter in one's life isn't exactly something i want for myself or for anyone else.

don't take anyone for granted. sigh wtf i'm giving advice to myself actually.
but i'm damn grateful (:

<3 you.

i want to eat in peace, please.

i had breakfast at the ungodly hour of 8am this morning
mostly i don't come across as a person who likes to eat at old school kopitiams and someone you'd ask along for a foodie trip, but truth be told i LOVE going around town, snuffing out nooks and crannies for a good bowl of noodles *drools*

now at this particular place in downtown KL, there's a stall that sells some super scrumptious noodles, to me it's unbeatable (:
it's got the makings of a stall that operates illegally, with the familiar trinkle of customers every morning, customers who share their tables with other customers (in chinese, it's called "taap toi"), orders being shouted across the the tables, the steaming pot of boiling water that doesn't seem to run out of gas, the wooden chopsticks and porcelain chipped bowls, all of that and it's right next to the main street. it sounds dirty, messy and horribly disorganized but it's all part of the experience.
to date, i have brought along a few friends to try this out with me, and i would say that the reviews ain't half bad.

it's a place that holds all sorts of weird memories for me, like for instance this stall is strategically placed directly opposite a tuition centre which i attended during pre-PMR and pre-SPM days like wth, super random, and at night the street is converted to a foodie bazaar, of which one stall sells a crazy "sup kambing"! meleleh air liur!
when my grandpa was still around, we'd go to this noodle place at least once a week, cause he knows the family that runs the business etc, and it was a warm pleasant feeling to just chill out with family like that, y'know?

anyway, i'm digressing. i guess the main point of this post was THIS morning's breakfast
so back to that. sitting alone at some obscure corner of the tiny space this place has, a man showed up to "taap toi" with me, and it was cool, no objections, i'm just going to eat and leave.
it turns out he's a regular, and the drink man is an acquaintance of his. so they start talking low tones that i can't make out what they are saying. by and by, i could hear a little of what they were saying and it is actually the drink man bragging to my neighbour about where they've been for the holidays etc, how expensive it is to travel and so on.

eavesdropping isn't exactly my favourite past time, but you can't switch off your ears either.
in any case, it's such a typical chinese thing to do (yes, i'm racist, sue me!), to tell an acquaintance that you have not met in a while about the recent "things" you've done, i.e. eaten at luxurious courts, traveled to faraway lands and made lots of money. all this besting and competing is SO FAKE. get real mister. he's not in any mood to listen to you brag while having a good bowl of noodles for breakfast on a cool saturday morning. to be polite is the least anyone could do.

can you imagine eating your favourite snack with some harry breathing down your neck, spouting his latest escapades? seriously. +_+ hovering should be banned, especially during my bowl of noodles.

everything it is and more.

Love can be a game
It can be trusting
or sensual
It is chosen, complicated
At times, dishonest and torturous.
Love is sometimes forbidden, even innocent
Unconventional, impossible, perhaps murderous
Love would spell heartbreak, control, and hopelessness
It is incurable but generous.

Love is an art.

ignore that voice in your head.

you who invented jealousy must have been a person with too much free time on hand
that there was nothing else to do but to make believe stories in your head
to mislead yourself into thinking about something that wasn't there

i hate being tested, it takes so much effort to be more than what you're capable of.
even if it means that i can do it, it doesn't mean i should have to be placed in such a compromising position. it's simply unfair. and really, i truly hate such situations.
they are awkward, like talking to a good friend who has BO or bad breath
you've got to suck it in and wait til the conversation is over so that you can breathe without asking for permission.

goddamnit.

and of course, the grass always looks greener on the other side, but the shepherd boy says otherwise and to believe him seems to be the foolish thing to do since i believe what i see. and hope against hope you want to believe that the shepherd boy's just looking out for you and obviously he knows best because he's been taking the sheep around that area for years, and now you, a mere tourist wants to tell a seasoned professional what he should do in his own backyard, that his grass is just too damn green? well do the right thing and believe him. find another shepherd and ask for his opinion, he'll tell you the same thing.

i hate being a green eyed monster ):
i really do.
it's no fun being the one who's all worked up over nothing, i believe you i do i do!
it's a nuisance, it's tiresome
it breaks me down, it breaks you do
and it works like a double edged knife.
oh fuck this mossy shit.

surely i have better things to do than to think of irrelevant people, and moments of doubt such as these only work for the worst of us, and i'm determined to beat this son of a bitch.

say it with me now: completely unnecessary *repeat as often as possible*

it's a waste of time and neurons on this matter
because after all, if the shepherd boy lies about it, karma is set to rock and roll
but i digress, women are engineered to be so damn emotional about everything.
it's through no fault of my own that i am made female
this world of constant vanity and comparison makes me ill sometimes.
every sally, belle and mary are out there just waiting to be the next supermodel/actress/celebrity whilst jotting notes on getting slimmer so that they can achieve the anorexic look, which surgeon to go to so that they can get the best deals for nose job/boob job/face lift/botox jab. i mean seriously, going under the knife is just like taking a drive to the supermarket.
all this competition, and you tell me to believe in myself?
honey, you must be living in the stone age!

i'm scared. at the end of it all, i am scared. i'm afraid that one day you would lose that faith in me, and jump ship anyway, i'm afraid that boredom creeps in and it will be over before i know it, i'm afraid that you'd fall for someone else and forget that i ever existed. i'm afraid of 5 million things, but perhaps i should be more afraid of not living as i should, that fear and terror are the only things holding us back from doing what we want to do, and every single probable future plan of mine includes you. if i can't stop thinking about irrelevant things like green eyed monsters, that future would most likely not come true at all.

sungguh mencibaikan.

your call.

learning to speak another language is really a bitch sometimes.
i can't singsong along with the audio cd
and i remember half the words that are mechanically said.
so at the end of it all, i just don't remember what i've just said, on repeat.

nevertheless, i'm as excited as a child getting a brand new puppy
i'm definitely looking forward to this trip, even though it may mean that i will be spending a couple of important family vacations and celebrations away from home.

it's strange to think that i've accepted someone else's family as my own, or at least people that have begun to make a regular appearance on my stage.
think of it as one of those local dramas you watch, like that kopitiam show with mano maniam in it. we've got the regulars, the extras, the dramas, the weird props and maybe even an occasional make up artist or someone to do our hair.
the script can range from happy to angry, sober and drunk, funny and sarcastic with random splashes of wit and ridiculous notions. i hear conversations that unearth history, pretty artifacts or ugly bits of ruined pieces. it's something like my own family stage, but they have yet to meet the other side, and many times i've felt worse than i really should because in truth i'm not ashamed of these guests, but i've always had to move them aside when my own family comes to play. they hide behind a thinly veiled curtain, joking and fooling around whilst this other side goes about their daily routine without maybe the slightest inkling.

i can't decide whose company i would enjoy more, but i do think that i would not be able to choose should you give me that option

is it too fast a move? i recall CD saying that sometime back, when i mentioned to her that i just got back from a weekend getaway with said family, and she sounded surprised that things were that serious. to me, i guess she didn't know the extent of our relationship but it got me thinking, are we really moving too fast or are we just comfortable with how everything is already that steps were taken without discussion?

i have nothing, absolutely nothing against such progress at all.
but in the eyes of other people, they seem to think that for us, this is the real deal.
i believe so too, and for many reasons, i'm glad of it.
i would absolutely hate being one of those people, being strung along for a ride just because i happened to be at the right place and the right time, or rather the wrong person and a wrong choice.

this is NOT a rant, it's jut one of those things that's buried beneath many other thoughts that it surfaced gradually and reflected recent events.

let bygones be bygones

it just hit me, i've been one selfish brat.
don't get me wrong, it takes a lot of me to admit that i've been mistaken.
especially when it's something that i don't want reminisce about.

maybe in this case, i held on so hard that i forgot what it was like to breathe on my own.
after all, i'm responsible for my own happiness.
i regret (just a little) at the way i handled things at that time.
it was unfair, painful and not to mention, really messy.
stupid gemini children! would it kill you to just speak your mind?

oh fuck it. it's not like i can do anything now to repair the irreparable anyways.

that night job. that red light.

transvestites should be given their own legal rights to be recognized as members of society.

i just watched "Princesa", in brief it's about a transvestite who's looking for a way out of making a living by whoring, and she travels far from home to search for jobs that would pay well enough so that she would have a sex change op. but she changes her mind in the end because it appears that she's been living a lie all this while by playing housewife to her "husband". it's quite explicit but you get the story at the end of it. i imagine it to be quite painful to be in a position like that, to be ostracized by society and have no end to name-calling. not to be able to find a proper job, something legal, something less demeaning. she even wanted to commit suicide at one point.

my family is one of many out there who don't understand that we need to include gays and transvestites into our everyday lives. after all, we are all human, the only difference is how we go about our daily lives. they find it unacceptable that such people roam around freely. frankly, i don't really care for them, i might even laugh at them sometimes. but when you really think about it, they are just trying to make ends meet. just because you're gay, doesn't mean you can survive on that fact alone.

people who say that it's haram, or that it's against religion etc, should be shot. it's hard enough to live feeling awkward and strange, to have people look at you in odd mannerisms all the time, and now you need to shove that kind of ridiculous notions into their heads?
what, you think they don't have enough shit to think about that you need to mess up their heads even more?

get real. don't pretend to be holier-than-thou. it's disgusting.

you talk way too much bullshit.

i hate arguing with you
in fact i hate any kind of conversation with you because all you ever do is to make me feel BAD, feel SORRY, feel ANGRY, feel PISSED and eventually i'll cry.
i'm literally speechless when it comes to taking a shot back at your smarty pants one liners.
it's funny, you speak so much of religion and how you found God again.
it's really something, and i admire a belief that's so strong.
but you've used it as an excuse to look down on your own family.
i don't know how it is with you and your friends, maybe it's how the saying goes, "birds of a feather flock together." i don't really care anyway? just that you need to learn how to respect the people whom you grew up with, who took care of you when you were sick, who cook your meals, who wash your clothes, who gave you everything when you asked for it and now you're giving us attitude?

i'm not alone in feeling this way, and i'm glad for it. because that shows i'm not a judgmental person, neither am i someone who only cares for everything else but my family.
i can't even begin to tell you how important my family is to me.
i'd be less than nothing without them, and you've forgotten that all in the sight of your GOD!
pray tell *pun intended*, which God would tell you to forsake your own family?
which supreme being out there would advise you against any respect for those who love and care about you? your devotion to your faith is admirable, only that i think religion is a story made to move millions of hearts, and that everything is a story in itself anyway. your preaching drives me up the wall, because you're so confident that you're right, and that your stance is the only one that should be followed. i don't think i ever knew you as a person, because i look at you now and i just feel empty.

it's sad, i know. but i can't do anything about it because you are so unwilling to let people into your life, you don't share anything with anyone who lives under the same damn roof and it's a pity because you will realise one fine day that you will have lost everything and gained nothing and to come crawling back to this home would be THE day. you think giving up time for your church can make you a better person? sure it does. your fellow church goers would think that you're a devout and pious Christian and that is one side to be proud of, definitely. but you don't see that when you prioritise one thing above everything else, and that there is no balance whatsoever, that you forget to love the hand that feeds you, "bagai kacang melupakan kulit" then you ought to be shot.

i can talk about this the whole night.
i hate that it eats me up inside.
and truly, ignorance is bliss.

p/s: what is the fucking point of asking me when you're gonna do it anyway? you just want to pretend to be polite right? *muka frust nak mati*

korp kun kaa

it's 5.30am now and i'm still awake. i remember stepping into your house for the first time that sunday afternoon 6 months ago, taking in every inch of the space. i fell in love with the place at first sight. i saw everyone, post-trip and i hang around downstairs so as to appear that everything was hunky-dory when in fact my heart was beating faster than it should be. i was afraid to venture into your room for a minute there, hesitation even. and you were half awake with the sunlight pouring in and you clad in your yellow flowery blanket (as described before), with abbas dead to the world on the bed. i was still reeling from last night and a little groggy from the drinks and i had to see it to believe it. Did i really call you last night for two hours pouring my heart out???? well it turns out i did, and i remember it like it was yesterday, and it was beautiful, for you to be playing with my hair while we talk about things that were just utterly normal. it didn't seem like anyone existed then. only you, and i. you've described your room to me before but to see it for myself, the place where we would first make love and talk for hours before falling asleep in each other's arms.

i can't write beautiful poetry like you do but i sure hope my words here tell you how i feel. my mind is of many thoughts jumbled up together. you make up most, if not all of it.i remember you telling me that you felt uncertain of how i was towards this relationship, our relationship at the beginning and truly it was a precarious step for me to take but it has been worth every risk and more. i believe that in every relationship, there are different points of time where one would feel less secure than the other and i think we both have had our fair share.

yang, it's completely absurd of me to be insecure at all but i'm only human and the idle mind is of course the devil's workshop. just know that my love for you won't change or fade and nothing short of wild horses could drag me away from you.

happy 6 months :)

sawatdeekaa!

it's got to be the groggiest day ever.
nothing beats it, hands down.
i wake up at 8 ish cause my mom insists that i go to the graveyard with the rest
and honestly i was in no shape to even move.
things just started going "bump!" for me
and i fell asleep after breakfast til about one
when i woke up, i finished watching the talented mr.ripley which btw is not a bad movie at all! (:
that was the climax i achieved the ENTIRE DAY.
spent the rest of the time, passing in and out of sleep.
now i'm wide awake, yet to expand my essay.
i'm going to say fuck that shit, i'm too damn malas to do it now
if i'm failing that paper, i'm failing that paper
i'll just take another elective. memang malas to go and figure out facts and stats for it now. seriously.
my entire sunday has been a half-assed one.

on another note, did you know that to learn elementary Thai at Erican( it's a language centre that's quite popular in KL), you have to pay 2.4 K! wtf, daylight robbery! in the space of three months/30 hours, it's a bloody ripoff. i mean, who's deluded enough to pay so much for that!
i'm not la, definitely. it's either you're bleeding rich, or just a nitwit.

it's annoying that there aren't any learning centres that are NOT out to bleed you dry.
dude, not everyone stores gold bricks in their homes.
shouldn't there be other teaching ethics, like the satisfaction of TEACHING?

cukup. i'll do it myself ((:

quikclean

i have a couple of hours to spruce up my essay that's due this weekend
i'm too darn lazy to get it moving, it's still at 6.25% for a two hour piece of work
surely i need to pick it up by now!
but there are 5 million excuses not to; i still have loads of unwatched movies sitting in the hard drives, moonlight resonance is showing now via dvd haha wtf my grandma's hooked. and the weather is just too damn hot. for you buggers out there, yes yes it's winter, snowing bla bla bla. well i don't know if i'd rather be here or there.

i spent the first few waking hours stuffing my face with bacon and turkey ham :D
then the conversation progressed along a serious vein for my grandma and mom
*jengjengjenggggg* marriage!!!!!
oh i can't believe it really.
all this kahwin kahwin business.
you see, my older siblings have yet to tie the knot
and my parents are in a little bit of a dilemma
"why is it taking so long!"
it's no rush to have grandkids and all
omg i'll be auntyhidethebooze :P
and for the fact that i'm such an emo person when it comes to my family
even if it's the next necessary step
i'm not the first one jumping headlong into this deep end.

so my grandma relates like 5 million stories about who and who hooked up, when and where
mr and mrs so-and-so had it like this, like that etc
it was interesting to hear such odd tales in the middle of the afternoon when one is still groggy from the heat. my parents celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary next month and it's so sweet that after so long, everything's still (almost) jolly good ((:
it makes me wonder if i'll have that as well
if my siblings would have the same
if our families would still be tight like it is now
i don't know for sure
but i hope it will retain some resemblance to what i have grown to have and cherish.

my mom is in a situation where she does not know how the chinese go about such rituals.
her people did things differently and my grandma was giving her pointers on the "how-to's"
i'm excited and sad and feeling a bit nonchalant all at once.
it means a lot, that they will have their own families and lives in time
and for the age gap, i can't help but feel left out.

sorry for the haphazard typing, in between lines, different points and whatnot
so many things running through my head
that i'm just sometimes, lost for a few words to explain it all.

have you met him yet?

i've always felt a certain kinship towards him

we met on the 19th of april 08, and i remember so clearly because it was the very day that i also met the better half of me.

goodness knows i always thought of him as a little boy who needed advice and guidance in this big bad world out there, and he turns out to be someone who has seen more, done more than i have at his tender age. i can't quite place where i find the child in him, it could be just me, being a nurturing older sibling figure. there's no love lost between my younger cousins and i anyways.

but back to it, it's a strange feeling.

i've always said this to the lover, that i saw him as someone that i would share a chocolate bar with if it were the last that we had. it's a weird analogy, i know. but does it make sense to you? because it certainly does to me.

i mean i would share a chocolate bar with a lot of people, but he's the first one i'd think of if it were in the right circumstances and etc. well anyways, it's either you get it or you don't.

just that for some unknown, unexplained UFO wtf reason i'm surprisingly fond of him.

i barely know him and yet i look out for him, tell him to stop damaging his body, do what's right, remind him of certain "not-to-do's"... it does sound like i'm being a busybody, like wtf it's none of ur damn business what this guy does, why do you care so much

but you'll get it when you get it.

i think everyone meets someone like that in their life.

someone you think got separated from you from birth, or an old friend you've made in the past.

you just KNOW that it's someone that you know, or at the very least care about enough to give two hoots about their life.

true enough, in reciprocation a couple of weeks after we met, or thereabout, he started telling me stories under some influential products. but i felt honoured that i was the vessel for this.

not so much that the stories were unheard of, but because it was a matter of trust.

believe you me, there were other individuals for the cause, but i like to think that it was more than just plain coincidence.

and so, from there it grew, conversations that were serious, funny, sarcastic, mean etc

bak kut teh sessions that i refused to have when he was away for about a good two months, i gave in anyways.

stoning times to be just floating away in space

i'm glad to have met him.
cheers mate ;)

rainy days

fuck this shit
oh no that was just random
just like that
but i'm craving for a little bit of everything
i miss steve!
i miss my pop
i miss jack
i miss ex colleagues
i miss ramly burger
i miss that chee cheong fun i used to eat twice a day
i miss the peanuts
i miss happy days
i miss sad emo days? wtf
ah fuck it i just miss every damn thing/person/animal @_@

i'm trying to be pro by getting copies of the republic, nicomachean ethics nia ma i can't pronounce THAT! but rest assured tree huggers, all that paper ain't going to waste
maybe one day i'll eventually understand everything this bearded dude(s) talked about
but til then let me be content with confusing myself upside down with their many many words ((:

you know it.

well you've absolutely got to stop being such an eye-catcher
you've probably got a clue or two in your head that you're hot
but boy, you have no idea. no idea at all about how smoking sexy you REALLY are
and yes, that's MY boyfriend i'm talking about.
oh who cares if i'm so perasan
it's not like i gloat about him everyday :P

i also need more kids to tutor at this moment if i am to be able to go for a holiday this year end
one student is just not doing it for me.
why is money such a head-turner?
the instance cash is laid on the table, it's all green-lights.
geez, can we get less money-minded?
sure it makes the world go round
but it's not exactly the way to go about doing things
i hate people who use money as a way to go against someone
got a problem with the rival business? pay up and he's gone.
need some help with some bullies? just take a peep in the bank account and it's a done deal.
materialism will be the death of us all.
me, included. because a tank of petrol can't last a week
and nothing's getting cheaper except that i get less money.
that's the only down when everything else is going up.
it's bullshit and we know it and YET
we worship this little piece of paper.
it has no value at all, except for what the authorities give it.
it's worth nothing but everything at the same time.
how fucking ironic is that.
they tell you, you need to get that LV bag or you won't be looked at the right way.
they say that you need to have a Porsche or it's the end of your social life.
geez man, these days everyone gets robbed of every penny, left right and center that i won't be so worried about getting that Victoria's Secret lingerie for fear i might not even make it to my own doorstep in one piece.
it's all linked, we are just too blind to see it.
oops my mistake, we choose to be blind to it.

argh i could go on forever but i need to get my Hermes coat at the dry cleaners.

random

i don't know if i've changed in recent times
or has time changed the things around me
it could be both
it could be me just talking jack-shit
but different is as different can be

i'm such a home-body now
from a wild child wtf to a pillow-hugging twenty year old watching old movies at home
i don't enjoy clubbing, partying, socializing.
it takes up too much trouble, really.
to dress up and make up, prance around in different outfits, one night after the other
stumble home, high on drinks, with empty pockets.
goodness, it must be a phase surely.
how could it be here forever?

tropic thunder is the worst movie i have ever seen in the last quarter of the year.
and i hope to God i don't watch something like it ever again or i'll demand my two hours back.
good grief, fucking waste of my time.

all over the place.

yes i'm all about the drinking
had a hiatus of about 6 weeks
and a holiday jumped me right back where i left off
it's not a bad feeling, to be tipsy
and happy and high and horny
it's even better when you're with the other half who's just as likely to jump your bones at that alcohol-induced minute.
but i still don't want to go back to having a tolerance level that ousts everyone else's
staying sober is the way to go
even though so many of my friends can't believe it


sometimes i wonder
why is it so hard to write
it's a pain to put words down on paper
i probably have 5 million things to talk about
i just don't know the way to go about it


i just had a dream where my ex and i were back on good terms again and that he fell in love with me. our mutual friend did everything to make it happen. geez.
it's not unbelievable but it's the last thing that needs to happen right now if you ask me


i met my baby's acquaintances yesterday
and to get dagger-like stares, cold shoulders and unfriendly whispers
i could just be making all this up
but it was not cool.
bitch, get your own man.


having a whole weekend of his dad telling me about how women aren't worth jack after 30
and how alike this father and son duo are, and how much he plays women etc etc etc
it was just down right depressing.
and to see air-heads parading about him like that isn't even doing my security levels ANY good.
so i'm stuck wondering what if...?
i get pissy, moody, grumpy
but my baby understands
for which i am forever grateful.
but i can't keep putting myself down
i am smarter than the rest of them
even if it means boosting my ego to no ends.
the boy gets what i mean
and likewise.


i hold him to his word.
he ain't gonna be doing any ditching.
and neither am i.


when life hands you a sour lemon
you put sugar in your sour lemonade!

)':

perhaps by now, you are sick of listening to my apologies for doing things that aren't justified in the first place anyways.
maybe now, you rethink about our relationship and what truth does it hold for you
i won't deny it, you said some things that you didn't mean, things that i took the wrong way perhaps. my sensitivity rocketed and then it went all sour.
but perhaps most of all, i'm upset that you didn't come after me
instead, that one text message made me feel bad enough to go back to you.
in this respect, it shows that i just can't walk away. no matter who's right, who's wrong.
and for that, it really sucks to be me.
you probably think that i over-reacted. i was being childish. that i didn't get the joke.
i only wanted some time for us to be together, after a whole week
i had work, but you come first, obviously.
then why would you be so friggin sarcastic?

it wasn't a reason for me to walk away.
why would i do that? i only wanted you to come for me.


maybe you love me a little less now.

mish-mash

it's all been way too strange of late
and it's all at one go
could it be possible that i'm losing my friends?
not just physical ties with the ones i'm close with
but every connection i seem to have had once before with some certain individuals are *poof* gone now...
i do realize i haven't been the GREATEST friend on earth
but do i need a different approach?
i'm that one person who does not like to be alone.
sure i am anti-social at times
but it doesn't mean i don't want my friends anymore
or then again, were we ever really anything more than mere acquaintances?
that's my fault
i always fall for it, hook line and sinker before i know which bitch got me
i don't want to struggle for it, it makes me look weak
but i feel like i'm losing my position here within a limited circle
and i must say, i detest that feeling.
i'm so insecure now that the slightest words might break me.
even if you never meant it in a way that i would take offense.

i'm seriously feeling ridiculous because i used to pride myself with having so many friends
and now i'm left feeling like the only real person i can count on is me.

after leaving this post to sit by itself for an hour or more
i was talking to my parents
wow, and we weren't arguing
amazing eh?
but yeah, it was good to let it out (:
religion, what we had before, etc
so many things
it's a matter of choice, no?

how period pains come around and bowl me right over

i could hardly stand up in the shower yesterday.
i wanted to roll up in a big fat thick cotton comforter in the studio and just curl up next to him and sleep.
but no, i was at home, almost melting from the shower temperature that is wonky and HOT in this unrealistic weather. the heat was unbearable. and i just wanted to curl up next to him, because i can.
doing chores is quite impossible. you feel the gooey, warm texture squirt right out of you when you sneeze or cough, or it happens even when you're sitting down watching a stallone/stone combo of "the specialist" which imho, is not such a great movie. lame-o.
but i digress, back to the monthly depressing days that come and go.
i feel more emo, more horny, more depressed, more hungry, more agitated when periods are here.
the need to shower more than thrice a day, arises.
i mean, who the hell showers more than twice a day?
i could run out of underwear!! @_@ *GASP!*
but i have a bagful of hershey's kisses, classic milk chocolate to keep me intact.

i was so moody two days ago, that i wanted to throw dr.spaceman out.
i can't do that, he's our baby!
but at that point of time, it's constant cry for attention, food, warmth and some cuddling eroded all my sympathetic and motherly affections.
blame it on the red waves.

this smells of piss.

he's all i think about, really.
4 days and counting.
i have 3 midterm papers coming up next week,
one after the other.

my classes are interesting now that i've broken out of my anti-social bubble.
sometimes i long for some intelligent interaction
and usually i space out on my own, just reading, copying notes etc.
daily observations leads to some really stupid finds
some romance budding, a few smart ones here and there and of course, some arrogant knobheads who decide to be in a clique and form some sort of "cool gang". oh fuck off please.
i ally myself with two or three others who are pretty alright in my books.
we are almost always on the same page, and there's respect right in front of the line.
life is sometimes THAT simple, you don't need to fuck it up with extra shit like people who think they are the SHIT. go suck on a dick.
the main issue of the day remains with my group leader who can't seem to get it around his head that he can actually be WRONG
omg, it would mean the end of the world, WW III and all sorts of catastrophic disasters that would happen if he was ACTUALLY WRONG in any argument or debate
fuck man.
why the fuck do i always end up with such amazing groupies
i've been complaining about him NON-STOP
and everyone who's heard about my misfortune sympathizes and wish they could kill him on my behalf. why, thank you but no thanks. i don't want you guys to go to jail just because he annoys me. i can take it. i can handle it. *takes DEEEEEEEP breaths*
just a month to go, that's all (puts on fake wide smile)

to top it all off, there are some assholes who annoy the shit out of me
today in poli sci, some guy decides to prove a point.
so off the starting line he goes and he proceeds to beat around the fucking bush
what the fuck!
so i ask him, so what's your point exactly?
well the problem doesn't exactly have a solution
therefore i don't understand why the hell did he bring it up in the first place
seriously man.
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.
SIEVE THOSE WORDS.
CENSOR THE SENTENCES BEFORE IT BECOMES VERBAL FUCKING DIARRHEA!

god, i can be a full-time bitch just bitching about them.
i mean, this whole blog could be dedicated to the bunch of dunderheads i have to put up with every fucking day.
it should be entitled, SWEAR, instead of speak.
stompthoseheels, in lieu of peeptoeheels.

you see, the deal here is that everyone has their opinion
and i stand by "to each his own".
what i DON'T get is when you try to force YOUR opinion down MY throat.
patience is indeed a rare virtue.
and i respect you as a person to not fuck you up in public or in your face.
just fucking grow up because it's crystal clear that you have NO clue of how to be socially accepted.

i'm not incredibly smart, but in the midst of all these people
i feel like i'm Einstein.
and the only time i've ever felt that way is.... well let's see, NEVER!
so imagine my disappointment when my circle of friends have always been so much more smarter than i can ever hope to be and suddenly i am thrown into the heart of a bunch of idiots who think they are so fucking smart but who are actually stupider than *I* am
now that, is really saying something.
this comes across as condescending, but i can find no other way to put it because they refuse to listen, refuse to compromise and just act like they know everything.
i keep my mouth shut if i don't know anything because i don't want to appear ignorant or stupid which is, imho, the best way to learn.
fuck you la, you honestly think you're so goddamn smart, why don't you go and apply for some top-notch uni or get hired already?
why do u bother coming to class when you're already a genius in your own right?
don't stand in my way of gaining knowledge.
and if i hear, just one strand of gossip concerning me, you are going to pay for it.

a friend of mine told off this girl for talking behind her back. i admire her for her guts.
i don't think i am capable of telling people in their faces. but there's one person who might just get a taste of their own medicine.

all this drama.... screw you. the whole lot of you.

reason in. reason out.

he's leaving for vietnam in 35 hours.
a week.
i'll miss him terribly ):
but i hope work will distract me.

a few months ago, i didn't think this was possible.
i'd laugh in your face, tears in my eyes, short of breath from laughing to hard
muscles clenched so tight in my abdomen i'd beg you to stop
i guess time proved me wrong.
sure, happiness isn't 100% guaranteed, money returned no questions asked wtf.
even so, i'm glad there's something to look forward to every morning i wake up
something to push me a little harder each day.
will it be easier? harder? faster? slower?
it seems these past 4 months and a bit have just flown by without my knowledge
where did it all go?
i'm sure i had time clenched in my hand, grasped so tightly i wouldn't let go.
but it slipped when i wasn't looking
like wind, like sand, like so many other things that won't stay put.
we remain insecure throughout our lives, because that's just how it is.
you can't promise forever, but you can promise just a little bit more
and everyday, hopefully, that increases.

sloppy kisses, laundry undone, dishes in the sink.
dr. spaceman warrants just a little TLC
but i'm a green-eyed monster you see
i'll give in just once or twice, depending on my mood (:

maybe you're the same as me
we see the things they'll never see
you and i are gonna live forever
0asis - live forever

free-falling.

i'm disappointed.
it's not a beautiful letdown, or a situation i'd be proud of.
rather, it's ugly, despicable and as my father says, "shameful".

you've ruined our trust and respect singlehandedly
true, it wasn't much to begin with
but with all the commotion about being muhibbah and united
it's just degrading your self-worth by REFUSING to apologize.
adamant that you said nothing wrong.
i'm blown away by the injustice.
it's things like these that happen that make me afraid to speak my mind at times.
but then i recall, it's a free world.
if i can't speak my mind now, when will i ever be free?

and today's headlines concerning the three people being detained under the ISA act.
why has it come to such a sickening state?
this is so depressing =/

is there hope? dare i hope for something to take a turn for the better?
will malaysia's wheel of fortune take a different spin?

irrational.

public toilets, private loos, stinky petrol stations restrooms
everything you do your shit in, literally.
see, it's nature's call and everyone needs to do it at one time or another.
but it doesn't friggin mean you get to be inconsiderate.
i'm the kind of person who would make sure the toilet bowl is almost clean, as it should be.
not squeaky clean, scrubbed with 99% antiseptic or whatever
but at least no crap floating around, or pee all over the place.
be a little bit more understanding that the next person to use the toilet could be a kid, an older person, a clean freak or just someone like me who wants to do her number one or number two in a place that doesn't stink like a septic tank!
my brothers are prime examples of people who flush but don't bother to check if it's all gone down the pipe. so it leaves the next person (sometimes it's me) to walk and go, "eww..wtf.."

so anyhow
i really should start writing again on a regular basis.
just write about anything and everything that comes to mind.
but i'm afraid of what people would say if they took a look at what i wrote
if it was foolish, silly, rubbish, idiotic?
i feel inferior most of the time to put it mildly.
i have friends who are in year 2, going on to graduate with degrees in economics
law, mathematics, actuarial science, literature, medicine...
what about me?
what am i doing now?
i am twenty this year and i still feel like i have yet to accomplish anything
does it help when people say i have seen so much more than a lot of other people?
does it help to compare myself to them?
perhaps they have seen much more than i have.
know much more than i do, that i can say for certain, in different aspects.
i don't know what my goals in life are for sure.
maybe they change everyday.
and perhaps i am liable to change, to sway where the wind takes me.
sometimes i don't know where my real interest lies.
i envy those who know exactly what they want and what it takes to get them there
and if they are capable of doing such things.
nothing is impossible. yes.
but am i possible?
i feel a need to be occupied with something anything.

this feeling, a small feeling.
being minute and tiny beside giants of knowledge.
i don't trust my judgments because quite often the trust i have in people are misplaced
undeserved, even.

feeling smug about myself for knowing a little more
or so i think.
that's the first downfall.
never underestimate your opponent.
there's always someone bigger, stronger, faster and better than you are.

i need to know.

rant-o-rama

i hate them. all they ever do is hurt me or make me cry. nothing i do will ever be good enough.

i wrote that ten minutes ago.
funny how fast i forget how bad it feels like.
perhaps one day when it really does go down the shitter
they'll realise that a lot of it was for nothing.

but i hate the way you make me feel. i really do.
unappreciated and just something that exists.
don't i mean anything MORE?
is it so hard to just say it out? fuck this la.
you're just like me, but pretending to be a grown up.

if i could tell you the truth
would it make it any easier?
maybe it's just that much less complicated when i lie.
i want you to love him as much as i do.
but in your eyes, i make all the wrong decisions.

then to hell with the truth.
i can die happy.
without you knowing who i truly am.

on another note, i hate how people cut in before you finish speaking.
you have any idea how fucking annoying that can get?
it happened multiple times throughout friday and saturday
nia ma.
have a little respect, if you will.
it probably takes all of 4 and a half nano seconds to finish that damn sentence
but i guess you don't even have that ounce of patience to fucking wait.
i normally hate rant posts
because it's always so whiny and repetitive
but i can't help myself.
it's a goddamn disgrace.

lies.

you don't know what it's like to be cramped in a train full of strangers trying to jostle and hustle
push, shove, and make their way thru
don't make promises you can't keep.
and you had an extraordinary ride if you had people offering you seats
because guess what?
they normally don't give a shit.
it's only because you have some status.
+_+
try being a CITIZEN
not a damn royal "holier than thou" being

i hate all this shit.

wait for me.

i was this close to crying outside a club last night
for that moment it felt like i was really losing him.
not to anyone in particular, but just lost as it is.
this has happened before, my little inch of holding back
that pretty much messes things up.
i'm glad he's my raft to hold on to.
anyone else would have given up.
i will not let you down.
i will try my ultimate best to keep you with me, and me with you.

this isn't one of those "for fun" things.
it never was.
from when i first met him til now.
i'm just afraid of being serious.
i still am afraid.
but it's too late for fear.
i signed up for this, and i'm willing to take it.
just hold on.
i'll be right there. all 110% of me.

understand that i don't see you as someone i can replace.
irreplaceable.
i can't buy, bargain, rent another you.
and i don't want to.
remember, i got the best fucking deal in the world.
i believe there's good days and bad days.
and to quote, "so what if we had 3 bad days, we'll have 77 good ones to come." (:

you are the island and i, the boat.
i don't want to dock anywhere else.

i love you.
if i ever lose you, i will lose it.

cramped/

it's not like i don't love you.
i do, but you make it hard for me to even try.
and of course, the harder i try, the harder it gets.

technically, you don't own me.
i don't own you either.
if i followed every single rule that was laid out in the book,
wouldn't i be just like everyone else?
or rather, wouldn't i just become someone i've always been fighting not to be?

i care about you
but at the end of it, i care about myself and what i want the most.
and so do you.
don't you dare deny it.
it's human nature.
i don't blame you

but it's not what we'd be happy with.
to be frank, i'd rather just be alone.

i am miserable
and suffocated.
you are scared
and dominating.

if at one time i felt like i could share everything with you
i regret that now
it is obvious that if there's anything i say at all
you take it with doubt
suspicion

you want complete control over everything i do or say
my mind is my own.
your reasons do not stand valid
culture has shaped you that way.
but it does not mean that it is accepted by everyone.
least of all, by me.

letting me go doesn't mean i'll leave you forever.
your grip is hurting me
and i resist to bite

i'm finding a way to claw out of this.
i only ask that there is space to grow
right now, the only space i see is the space you want to stuff me back in.

today was different.
tomorrow will be different too.
it's nothing out of proportion.
but i think more than that, it's an experience.

perhaps all this while
i've been hiding in this dark hole
shielding my eyes away from what could be everything and more than you'd expect it to be?

i run through all the roads and rivers of this country.
the wind, the grass beneath my feet
the clouds and the rain above me
i smell dewdrops on the leaves those trees grow

where does it all go?
to where no man alive has been before.

i cry the tears you don't deserve.
and everything comes back.
but you, you can delve into nothingness
and be forgotten.

i see people all around me
teasing and slow
everyone's dancing but no one is.
i see you in my mind.
there's no one else but me and you.

i dance like i'm alone in the forest.

slap the mofo's face.

oh no you didn't
seriously you need a tight slap in the face.
and maybe you need to get robbed of your handphone and money, etc.
just maybe.

have you heard the words coming out of your mouth?
how fucking arrogant you sound like?
shit, your nose is so high up there i can't even see the tip of it.
why do i put up with people like you?
because your friend is nice.
correction, your FRIENDS are nice.
you, on the other hand, you are one sorry excuse of a guy.

listen, why i chose to put "have sex" up there along with that list is my own damn business. what the fuck has it gotta do with you or your fucking narrow minded piece of ass? NOTHING. absolutely nothing. so shut the fuck up and get back to where you came from cause it's pretty damn obvious you haven't gotten enough education. oops my bad, you came to college for education right? sure looks like you ain't getting any. and besides, haven't you heard? sex sells. period. what the fuck's your problem? your head too far up your asshole you can't think properly?
just because you can't come up with awesome ideas like that doesn't mean other people can't.
and what business is it to you if i've had sex before or not?
man, i feel stupid for not giving it to you in your face right there and then.
you think you're so fucking smart.
well you know what, i totally knocked your presentation over.
BOWLED OVER.
please go back to your country or do us all a favour and die off.

sometimes i wonder if i'm too nice.
i think i am. that's why you walked all over me the other day.
well mister, i'll have you know this much.
you don't come from malaysia.
you don't know how it works here.
your father may be some big time dude somewhere on that continent,
but you sure aren't anything here but a tourist.
what's that you said? student visa?
kiss my scrawny ass.
if you aren't careful about what you're shooting your mouth around about
you might just end up as a laborer.
yeah, that won't be looking any good to your chick would it?
after all, she'd be looking to get some, and if you ain't giving it to her
she'll get some other dick to suck on.
so seriously, even if i can take your shit,
it doesn't mean other people can.
or the fact that they will.
cause there are other people who can't take fucking shit like that.

get a life and some manners. or just wilt away.
i'm completely disgusted by your swagger, attitude and most of all the fact that you think you're so damn hot. nigga please. you look fucking ugly. you hear me? FUCKING UGLY.
i'm just glad this is the last week of class.
i won't have to see you, hopefully for the rest of my time in college.

once, twice, thrice.

you know when i think the cheating starts?
it's when it gets emotional
not physical.

when the third party gets you where it matters
they pick at that little sore spot you got there on your heart
when it's not so much about who's hot and who's not
it's tough to stay true when that happens

it's then that it starts to get real messy
when they get inside your head, your heart
they don't even need to be in your pants.

everyone's had a situation like that.
it's how they handle it that makes all the difference
you can give in, and break your lover's heart
you can suck it in and just forget that person ever existed
should have, could have, would have.

it's tough making decisions like those.
even tougher when it was right in the palm of your head and you didn't take it because you knew your conscience would kill you for it and yet there's so much of you that wanted to because there wasn't going to be another opportunity like this again.

people come and go.
sometimes they return.

four walls.
again. i'm going to hang myself.
goodbye world.

why do they like doing this to me?
isn't it bad enough that i don't get to go to bangkok?
and that i can't even go for a movie marathon?

why do i have to fight so hard for freedom that is mine?
it gets embarrassing, when i'm at so-and-so's house and i have to excuse myself by 10pm because the people at home can't sleep.
omg it's so za dou i don't even know what to say to that.


so we're at hartamas one saturday evening
people i haven't seen in maybe a year?
people i don't talk to a lot
people i'm pretty much alright with
it's a farewell. but proper goodbyes shouldn't be said at such a place, at such a time.
it seems a happy occasion but truly, it's one of those things that make you realize this could be it. this could be the end of it all.
and with that, maybe there's also a new beginning.
maybe not for me, but for everyone else there that night.

is it a crime to want?
not like i would ever have.
it's the intention that matters.

I'm spoiled
By your love boy
No matter how I try to change my mind
What's the point it's just a waste of time
I'm spoiled by your touch boy
The love you give is just too hard to fight
Don't want to live without you in my life

I'm spoiled

too true and i miss him to bits and pieces. less than a week til i get to see you again (: i like spending my weekends with people i don't usually see, do things i don't usually do. but lately it seems really dreary i don't go new places, don't do new things =/ it's kinda depressing, staying at home all the time.

i went for breakfast, the hakka mee place.
usually i am uneasy being in a public place, eating alone.
i get all paranoid that people are staring, or they want my seat *the place is quite small and there are always customers*
but this morning, i tried to pace myself. calm down. no rush.
a family of four sat on my left. speaking in hakka. i tried to listen to see if i could understand as much as i thought i would. i can't.
a son wheeled his mom to the table on my right.
not too sure what's going on, but next thing i heard, was the sound of a sauce platter cracking on the concrete floor.
she was paralyzed on her left side.i pretended to be interested in my barley drink, swirling the bits around my glass. growing old has its pains.

lost.

honestly fuck this shit la
i don't get it
why does so much crap have to happen within the last 24 hours?

it's seriously fucked up
if only you could see how screwed up the entire situation is
you probably wouldn't even believe me.

i don't know her, and i don't know how it was like when you were with her
i didn't know you then, and i'm not going to say she's not a bitch or she is or whatever
to set the record straight, i don't know her but anything that i've heard of her
is negative.
there's nothing positive at all
choosing to talk about it again, no matter what the reason, shows that you can't let go.
i don't know if it's denial on your part or maybe it's just the same with everyone...
for me, i don't think it's possible to completely forget.
there will always be bits and pieces left somewhere on the sidewalk.
but i wonder why you are so affected by it.
i don't believe in retaliation.
after all, she doesn't deserve any of the time and attention that is given.

to be fair, it's your past.
i have no right to ask about it.
it's personal.
but i can't help but feel insecure *yes, insecure is my middle name now* and even, threatened.
i just wish it would all just end.
for your story and her's.

there are still some people missing in the picture as of now.

you're the missing piece in my jigsaw puzzle.

i saw my favourite little boy, and julie and dennis.
goodness i feel like a stalker, outside of ac's toilet wtf
but yeah all that weird shit paid off.
i don't even want to think how many people must have thought i was crazy or if i was hallucinating.
but yeah, i was a little apprehensive because i only saw three of them.
"is there a fourth person here?"
hugs all around because it's been almost a year since i saw them! (:
funny thing is, i saw zaim too and that two people should say the same thing to me in one day.
"i just want you to be happy. as long as you're happy, then that's good enough."
it makes me feel loved, even if i don't see you guys often enough
but you know me, you know me.
i don't know if i would have sat down at that table if i knew he was going to be there.
i highly doubt it.

i'm not the best person to deal with when it comes to such sensitive issues.
but tomorrow, tomorrow will be a better day.

as for you, you don't know me.
please don't come up with jackshit.

and i seriously need a vacation. i don't feel like doing my paper.
i wish i was going to bangkok with the peanuts.
and more than ever, i wish he was back here already.
another week to go, possibly more.

just a little

lean on me when you are weary
speak to me when there is too much on your mind
let me in, i promise i'll keep you

i'll always listen as long as you want me to
i'll stay as long as you'll have me
trust in me, i'll be here for you.







it's always darkest before the dawn

split second

i remember the way you taste
your hands on my back
the trail of your fingers
leave tracks on my hands

i remember how we speak
without words
i read your eyes
and you, my mind
you know my thoughts
and i, your next step

every move is familiar
we were fashioned and carved together
will they understand this language?
i feel isolated, they don't know me anymore

i see as you do
and breathe as you will
the rhythm beats as one.
can you conceive it?

is it worth believing in?
a fleeting moment that turns forever into stone?

you can't take that away from me.

patience is not a virtue i have.
i'm counting down the days til he's back
i'm crossing off the numbers til i get a month's break from everything
i'm waiting for the seconds to crawl by before i get to be on that airplane back to sarawak

i can't wait. i want it now and i want it bad.

urbanscapes was hot and sweaty. we didn't buy the tickets, so we were at the bazaar for an hour and we whizzed off to the boys. blah. i'll get enough money the next time around to buy stuff.

he's not happy with what i inhale and exhale
poor boy can't breathe, he's asthmatic
talk about wrong timing, i can't deny i still have that little bit of crush leftover from last year
he remembers my prom shoes! (:

it's funny seeing them after 9 months
a part of me feels like i don't really know them
and perhaps i never really did
does it matter?

i've been having little spaces within time that makes me just want to go all quiet.
withdrawal symptoms
i haven't had a drink in 2 weeks, but i did get a little stoned on friday

i wonder what i'd be like now if i never met them
they have changed me, details you'd miss out on
maybe the way i hold my glass
or how i speak on the phone
i copy your movements and make them my own

sing with me.

so tell me, will you always love me?

tomorrow, will you bring me sorrow?
today you say you love me
but will you change your mind?

tell me, will the pieces still fit?

tomorrow, will you bring me sorrow?
today you say you love me
but will you change your mind?

i pray it's in my mind
please tell me i'm wrong

he walks around the house
but i don't recognize him
is he a stranger from the sidewalks?
i know i'd treat someone i don't know better than i treat him.
and maybe he doesn't deserve what i think of him
but he definitely hasn't shown that he cares.
treat people as you want to be treated.

i don't go around expecting kindness from everyone.
i find it a chore, tiresome to keep up this facade that i'm actually really interested in everyone's life.
i care, but i don't want to speak.
i'd listen but i won't comment.

they will die in the fires they started - bob

for you.

hold my hand when you feel like letting go
i'm standing right here, i'm waiting for you to come back
don't let it bring you down
don't let it get to you

don't make them a priority when they make you an option.
you get to dictate what you are and what you become.
it could be them who shaped your past
but grasp today and change it as you will.

you're not alone.

it's a free world.
go do whatever you want to do, please.
don't let me stop you.


what is love?
is love as it is defined in the Oxford Dictionary?
what are we, robots? to allow a dictionary dictate what meanings do our feelings hold?
fuck that shit.

how do you do it?
how do you tell me random stories and unknowingly hurt me?
what, you think it's oh-so-fun to just bring up stories of hot/cun/cute chicks and think i'd still be super confident and secure after that?
i'm human, why can't you remember that little bit?
i get weird ass dreams of you fucking some hot chick while i was right there.

i don't even know what to think about anymore
and you don't make it any easier
it's really easy to say things and not mean them
but why can't you take a moment and be a little serious for once?
i swear, i hate it when you joke about fucking ten girls or whatever
i know it's a joke, but who's to say it wasn't true?

i really hope you don't intend to break me
i beg of you, please don't do it.

for a moment...or two.

i guess it's just this bit of me left that hasn't forgotten.
it's right in my face the whole time
and it didn't register

surprise struck, but i'm over that.
no wishes or hopes, or happy returns
none of that sort, at least not from me.

i don't get such rights/
not anymore, i don't.

and i fucking miss you, maybe it's just pms
but it's not a good enough reason to be upset and cry
over the fact that i haven't heard from you in a day, or i haven't seen you in five days
or if you just felt like pulling my leg
but what i really wanted to hear was how much you wish i was there
and how much you miss having me around
even if i've heard that before
and because that's exactly how i feel.
i'm disjointed and broken without you here.
and it's seriously great that you're having a good time there
or whatever time it may be.
but it doesn't change the fact that i still miss hearing your voice, even if it was for a little while
and i hung up.
i ended the call because i wasn't in a funny mood, because the last thing i wanted to do was to fake laughter when i'm not feeling it
it's weird that i'm crying without sound, because it's looks like i'm emotion-less.
tears just rolling and i'm typing away, clattering keyboard.

i miss you more than i'll ever let you know.


less than half an hour ago
i also had a fright, hearing a loud thud
dude, i'm wearing headphones with oasis blaring away
and this thud apparently was from outside the house
i went downstairs to check out what's going on, i.e. cat, dog, bag that fell over, whatever.
i hear two guys talking, on a motorcycle, right outside my front gate.
WHAT THE FUCK.
it's two am in the bleeding morning.
and the first guy is writing something down.
IN THE DARK.
what is this DODGY shit going on.

i run back upstairs, look down from my parents room through the windows and they ARE still there.
and they are speaking in tamil, *indian guys* i'm not colour blind.
the first guy pointed directly to my house, said something to guy #2
and scribbled something else.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

i wake my dad up, they leave before i could catch a glimpse of the number plate.
i doubt they know anyone was watching them.
my dad says not to worry, but i know i won't be sleeping nights anymore.

i hate being inwardly pissed.
having to suppress the surge of anger.
i just feel like exploding at one go.
no holding back, who cares what the world thinks of me after?
not I, surely.

then the rational side speaks.
don't let your emotions take you over.
don't say things you'd beg to take back.

your words fall like autumn leaves would

these shadows around you
they move, spin and leave
you can almost taste them
empty voids are all that they leave behind
but i, i remain eternal
and you, you will remember

faceless, that's all they will be
find color in me.

his words.

you're the light that i burn

you are ecstasy, when i am with you, my heart beats faster, the music sounds better,
everything seems brighter, every touch more tender, you're a rush of blood to the head (both heads ;p)
watch out, the narcotics police might just arrest you one of these days..
lol, my drunken poetic form.

nothing compares to you (:
sans you in life equates life sans meaning sans purpose.

with every kiss and every hug,
you make me fall in love.

you make me feel like i am whole again.

the bed creaks.

'amazing grace'
i would have named it something else
it's too corny la.

part of the movie reflects my own relationships and my own thoughts.
funny as that may seem, and more than once i find myself tearing up.
slave trade and the pains taken to abolish it.

i realize that at times, i'm so good at hiding what i really feel.
for example, in two days, i bumped into two people that in past have annoyed the shit out of me,
talked about me, hit on me and eventually became people i don't even want to be associated with.

but still, i accept what they say. with a pinch of salt of course.
to be honest, i can't even stand to be in the same space.

i've been through better days, seen better people, had better conversations.
i wouldn't be so hurt if i didn't care.

tuesday night was empty, bar club.
the 21st for the cheapo was good, one tequila had me prancing around all night.
and eventually, making love was inevitable.

on that cold rainy night, i wasn't even sober but it was the only way
or i would have died from the pain.
i'm a complete loser when it comes to sex and it's dynamics.

i've met the father and grandfather
drinking sessions!
whiskey, tequila, beer
the works, i tell you, the works.
and i'm pleased to say that they like me (:
but the boy will be away for a month, which will give me time to concentrate on my classes and a ten to twelve page research paper, AND finals!

i'm having a good time with some people now anyways
there'll be more fun nights to come (:

on another note, i'm going to bring you crashing down.

it's been a long week, i'm going to tuck in and drift.

i'm listening.

Emptiness - Jalaluddin Rumi

Consider the difference
in our actions and God's actions.

We often ask, "Why did you do that?"
or "Why did I act like that?"

We do act, and yet everything we do
is God's creative action.

We look back and analyse the events
of our lives, but there is another way
of seeing, a backward-and-forward-at-once
vision, that is not rationally understandable.

Only God can understand it.
Satan made the excuse, "You caused me to fall,
whereas Adam said to God, "We did this
to ourselves." After this repentance,
God asked Adam, "Since all is within
my foreknowledge, why didn't you
defend yourself with that reason?"

Adam answered, "I was afraid,
and I wanted to be reverent."

Whoever acts with respect will get respect.
Whoever brings sweetness will be served almond cake.
Good women are drawn to be with good men.

Honour your friend.
Or treat him rudely,
and see what happens!

Love, tell an incident now
that will clarify this mystery
of how we act feely, and are yet
compelled. One hand shakes with palsy.
Another shakes because because you slapped it away.

Both tremblings come from God,
but you feel guilty for the one,
and what about the other?

These are intellectual questions.
The spirit approaches the matter
differently. Omar once had a friend, a scientist,
Bu'l-Hakam, who was flawless at solving
empirical problems, but he could not follow Omar
into the area of illumination and wonder.

Now I return to the text, "And He is with you,
wherever you are," but when have I ever left it!

Ignorance is God's prison
Knowing is God's palace.

We sleep in God's unconsciousness.
We wake in God's open hand.

We weep God's rain.
We laugh God's lightning.

Fighting and peacefulness
both take place within God.

Who are we then
in this complicated world-tangle,
that is really just the single, straight
line down at the beginning of ALLAH?

Nothing.
We are
emptiness.

                ----

When you are with everyone but me,
                         you're with no one.
When you are with no one but me,
                         you're with everyone.

Instead of being so bound up with everyone,
                         be everyone.
When you become that many, you're nothing.
                         Empty.

  -- Jalaluddin Rumi

we speak of second chances for everyone
perhaps some people don't get them

and there are those who don't appreciate them
but at what price do we pay for such chances?
do we really heed such advice that tells us not to take things or rather, people, for granted?

i'd stand by you forever
but all i can see is that you're pushing me away
edging further
and i don't get deep
your shallow waters leave me high and dry

why do the people we love the most hurt us the most?

it works.

the boyfriend seriously makes me feel smarter.
not because he's stupid, but because of our conversations.
sometimes i feel like i'm rambling on about complete rubbish but he gets what i'm saying.
nothing can ever be the same again. wtf it's an overused line, sue me.

so i don't like taking taxis alone. heck i just don't like using public transport alone.
it's creepy, having some guy standing in a corner of the monorail/lrt/bus, giving me the creeps, the evil eye, whatever sleazy grin and i just get the chills.
but i took a cab to the boyfriend's place today, it's about a 10 to 15 minutes drive

as soon as i sat in the passenger seat of the cab, the taxi driver looks over and sees that i'm holding a McDonald's cup, "ada satu je ke?" i laugh nervously, "sorry ya bang, next time i belikan satu lagi..." and the conversation flowed, i don't like driving, petrol prices, the government and their subsidies, petrol prices in other countries, cab prices in other countries, why don't i live in other countries wtf, and he's only been a cab driver for 2 and a half months with 5 kids to feed, been jobless for 4 years, omg i might just kill myself if i couldn't feed myself. but he's a nice guy who doesn't know the area quite well, so a detour + a good conversation + a little faith in mankind = 7 bucks. it's worth it knowing that some cabbies aren't fucking cutthroat sharks who rip you off and they actually know what they are talking about. looks a bit scary, but then again, give people a chance.

we talk about things others may not even understand
and a mutual friend gave him advice
"she's a smart girl, intelligent, but watch out. she could make you or break you."
i'm grateful for his honesty, and perhaps i don't see it that way
i know my capabilities.
it is possible.
but at this point, i care about him too much to think of how to break him.

it's also hilarious that this is the one relationship that i truly am grateful and even the things that come our way, i.e. my subconscious flirting with our friends
i swear, it's seriously something i can't control
but his understanding of it is something i can't appreciate more received
'hahahha, you can see but you can't touch. she's mine!" +_+
mahai, za dou okay.

it's just like that.