it's supposed to be chinese new year right about... now?
strangely enough it doesn't feel like it used to
reunion dinners where everyone is noisy and bossy
the pitter patter of feet, sticky feet on sticky floors
it's just not the same
but i don't know what changed, i can't put my finger on it
when did it all happen?
somewhere between me leaving high school and being in uni i suppose?
washing dishes after every major family dinner has always been a standing order
but this year, it took awhile for us to back in the groove of just horsing around and talking jack about everything under the sun.
i admit, i was merely pretending to be interested in the conversation.
yes, i'm getting really good at that too.
but it was all done with good intentions.
i don't know you anymore.
i don't think i want to try.
that unshakable belief, it's so strong but at least i can withstand it and still be on my way because i know for a fact, an unmistakable fact that i am, at least, alive today. no longer blinded by what you call "faith".
oh yes, it's depressing. this is supposed to be a joyous time of the year, ushering prosperity and fortune. but it's also the first year where i am completely thrown off by my own actions and words. perhaps it's the flu, but then that's just denial on my part. i can see that everyone else has just about remained in the box, maybe shifted a few chairs and tweaked some buttons here and there.
but i'm outside, looking in.
i don't want to go in. it took me years to get out, and to allow myself to fall into the very same thing that ensnares them all? i don't think so.
i'm not an evil person. but there's only so much one can say to make the rest understand.
i realize i'm not a charismatic person, and really, infiltrating minds is just a job that you automatically do. it doesn't do anything to make you feel better, if anything, it just makes you feel worse.
do you understand what i'm saying?
this rift is too big to repair.
the damage is done.
18.1.09
mis-matched.
they looked at me
and all i could see was black and white
despite all their colours
they came out and showed me all their glory in the light
what i gained from the light years you emit
will never do you justice
*drunk writing, what on earth was i thinking?!*
at an event i attended, i met faces i didn't think i'd see again
it was strange and awkward to say the very least.
not because we had so much in common when we first met,
but more likely because of the differences we have
it's weird to be in a clique identified as the people you know
some people are better left unnoticed.
i'm one of them.
and all i could see was black and white
despite all their colours
they came out and showed me all their glory in the light
what i gained from the light years you emit
will never do you justice
*drunk writing, what on earth was i thinking?!*
at an event i attended, i met faces i didn't think i'd see again
it was strange and awkward to say the very least.
not because we had so much in common when we first met,
but more likely because of the differences we have
it's weird to be in a clique identified as the people you know
some people are better left unnoticed.
i'm one of them.
17.1.09
are you just another person breathing in my air?
neoconservative
islamic revolutions
*insert name of politicians/historians/political scientists*
interviews
footage
war scenes
reel-time
and anything else related to whatever i watched earlier today
documentaries are interesting but it seems a bit too much to process in one hour or so
especially when i don't have the "necessary" knowledge for it all :P
i think i tak erti ber-belog anymore. this is utter nonsense @_@
my head is everywhere but here
and that reminds me, "your mind is not in your head" (:
on another note, i'm reading "the concept of mind" by gilbert ryle (even though i have never heard of him before i stumbled across that book at the library)
and a bit of freud "we can be anything we want to be as long as we WANT it" + "what if i told you that we are only on the surface, the tip of the mind, that we have not even begun to delve into the very depths of the mental capabilities of our intelligence?" equals to -----> :O
ahahhhaahhaha oh so much for intellectual stimulation
i have too much reading for uni as it is
plus essays ):
every beginning of the year is somewhat lousy for me
and this year is not so very different
but i shall try to make it better
(:
islamic revolutions
*insert name of politicians/historians/political scientists*
interviews
footage
war scenes
reel-time
and anything else related to whatever i watched earlier today
documentaries are interesting but it seems a bit too much to process in one hour or so
especially when i don't have the "necessary" knowledge for it all :P
i think i tak erti ber-belog anymore. this is utter nonsense @_@
my head is everywhere but here
and that reminds me, "your mind is not in your head" (:
on another note, i'm reading "the concept of mind" by gilbert ryle (even though i have never heard of him before i stumbled across that book at the library)
and a bit of freud "we can be anything we want to be as long as we WANT it" + "what if i told you that we are only on the surface, the tip of the mind, that we have not even begun to delve into the very depths of the mental capabilities of our intelligence?" equals to -----> :O
ahahhhaahhaha oh so much for intellectual stimulation
i have too much reading for uni as it is
plus essays ):
every beginning of the year is somewhat lousy for me
and this year is not so very different
but i shall try to make it better
(:
8.1.09
i bloghop like any other frequently because it's fun and i'm a nosy parker :P
but i think the real reason is just so i know what's going on with you, even if i'm not the first person you'd tell. sometimes i find that you write profoundly, perhaps with a lot of emoticons and phrases i may not know, i see happy smiley people in your photographs, but sometimes you get depressed and annoyed. i pick up my cues from your stories which may or may not be trivial but nevertheless it's about you.
Christmas was here sometime ago, I had a good time but it wasn't the best. you win some, you lose some. i saw your blogs, many of you spent time with family and at church, doing plays or going for midnight service. that reminds me of a time when i did the exact same things, but as of last year i saw my faith slipping away. when i see the photos of your religiously celebrated holiday, i wonder what was it exactly that happened to me. did i lose out on being in the same circle where i grew up in with people of the church or am i just one of the very few people out there who came to realize that religion isn't all there is to life?
that's what i see in my parents. they are caught up with work, and that's normal because it's necessary to survive. and they spend the rest of the time doing charity work for the church, helping out with bazaars, dinners, fund raising events etc.
i used to love being in the midst of it all, being a part of the youth team, going for spiritual camps... that was all good and dandy til one fine day, i met a completely different group of people who saw everything upside down and inside out. it was strange, it was weird, i felt like a social outcast because while i used to be proud for being street-wise, meeting these people was probably the first REAL thing that has ever happened to me. they may not be your regular joes who fit the social stereotype of a jock or a nerd, but while i lived in a world of black and white, theirs had colours of every kind. i was even, to a certain extent, ashamed of myself. of my genuine naivety towards everything. i can't claim i'm all-knowing and knowledgeable now, but i daresay that i'm enlightened by these people and their thoughts with whom i understand.
Buddha's state of mind was to achieve enlightenment, that is to "awaken".
i believe i'm one step closer to that.
but i think the real reason is just so i know what's going on with you, even if i'm not the first person you'd tell. sometimes i find that you write profoundly, perhaps with a lot of emoticons and phrases i may not know, i see happy smiley people in your photographs, but sometimes you get depressed and annoyed. i pick up my cues from your stories which may or may not be trivial but nevertheless it's about you.
Christmas was here sometime ago, I had a good time but it wasn't the best. you win some, you lose some. i saw your blogs, many of you spent time with family and at church, doing plays or going for midnight service. that reminds me of a time when i did the exact same things, but as of last year i saw my faith slipping away. when i see the photos of your religiously celebrated holiday, i wonder what was it exactly that happened to me. did i lose out on being in the same circle where i grew up in with people of the church or am i just one of the very few people out there who came to realize that religion isn't all there is to life?
that's what i see in my parents. they are caught up with work, and that's normal because it's necessary to survive. and they spend the rest of the time doing charity work for the church, helping out with bazaars, dinners, fund raising events etc.
i used to love being in the midst of it all, being a part of the youth team, going for spiritual camps... that was all good and dandy til one fine day, i met a completely different group of people who saw everything upside down and inside out. it was strange, it was weird, i felt like a social outcast because while i used to be proud for being street-wise, meeting these people was probably the first REAL thing that has ever happened to me. they may not be your regular joes who fit the social stereotype of a jock or a nerd, but while i lived in a world of black and white, theirs had colours of every kind. i was even, to a certain extent, ashamed of myself. of my genuine naivety towards everything. i can't claim i'm all-knowing and knowledgeable now, but i daresay that i'm enlightened by these people and their thoughts with whom i understand.
Buddha's state of mind was to achieve enlightenment, that is to "awaken".
i believe i'm one step closer to that.
the things i think about at night
perhaps it's just a distant memory after a long time
or a booger that you can't get rid of but you insist on picking at it
all those random trails that don't lead you to where you want to go
coming up with the truth to the people you care about is something i absolutely detest doing.
maybe when we are all aging gracefully, i can let slip about how it's not a crime to just live.
even then, i don't trust myself with being completely capable of letting that sink in.
i don't wish for different people to live with,
i just wish we shared similar ideas so that we could reach a compromise.
i suppose if i were in your shoes, i might even over-react.
dying is the easy part of life.
i'd hate to be the one to say this
but you'll regret it.
sorely.
not because of me, but because of your choices.
you took the easy way out, and now you have to live with it.
it's simple for others to tell you, oh don't care about it, it's not worth your time etc
but how can i explain that it's much more than just caring about someone?
i can't cut you out completely
it's strange how deep the roots can run.
maybe they'll dissipate on their own with time
but to ask me to dig them up?
impossible, i say.
one thing's for sure, you'll never win it back.
fool me once, shame on you.
fool me twice, shame on me.
i'm glad i started out with a different contact etc
being anonymous is hard in the blog sphere
but i can try.
there's space for other people too, just don't forget about me.
or a booger that you can't get rid of but you insist on picking at it
all those random trails that don't lead you to where you want to go
coming up with the truth to the people you care about is something i absolutely detest doing.
maybe when we are all aging gracefully, i can let slip about how it's not a crime to just live.
even then, i don't trust myself with being completely capable of letting that sink in.
i don't wish for different people to live with,
i just wish we shared similar ideas so that we could reach a compromise.
i suppose if i were in your shoes, i might even over-react.
dying is the easy part of life.
i'd hate to be the one to say this
but you'll regret it.
sorely.
not because of me, but because of your choices.
you took the easy way out, and now you have to live with it.
it's simple for others to tell you, oh don't care about it, it's not worth your time etc
but how can i explain that it's much more than just caring about someone?
i can't cut you out completely
it's strange how deep the roots can run.
maybe they'll dissipate on their own with time
but to ask me to dig them up?
impossible, i say.
one thing's for sure, you'll never win it back.
fool me once, shame on you.
fool me twice, shame on me.
i'm glad i started out with a different contact etc
being anonymous is hard in the blog sphere
but i can try.
there's space for other people too, just don't forget about me.
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