i could hear the smile in your voice when i call you in the mornings, a sleepy smile meant for me.

it's turned to groans and complaints, when all i really wanted was just to say hi.
has it gotten so difficult to be happy?

lost the passion.

broken, not whole

she just wants to dance, she doesn't want a man

still so sore. wounded and hurt.
there is no way to fix something so broken.
i don't want to have it fixed.
or rather i don't need to.
the state of the present is sufficient balm.

i refuse and resist.
it'd take someone stronger than you are
all over me, the used and the abused
what makes you think you deserve better?
nothing but just one of the many.
nothing but just a pebble on this beach, amongst the rest

she wants you more, still. yesterday, today, and tomorrow. every tick of the hands on my clock, that's the distance between us.

people are never ever happy enough to be happy for other people.
maybe next year will be better than this year.

not so much for what's been done, more for what's to come.
my answer will always remain the same, regardless of my heart
"to be happy..."

i see you again, it's been too long. or maybe too soon.
i see you in my dreams ever so often.
can't make out what you say, but your actions could do some good to me.

the way sampoerna cigarettes have a crackling sound as it burns

ah, hurt.
but reading that blog made me think, i'm thankful that i'm loved in return
instead of just "tepuk sebelah tangan".
i hope she's happy doing what she's doing, i know i couldn't do it if i were her.
you can tell when she dreams about him, it's seen in the way she talks about him
and there's never going be any given back.


i wonder if you snap and break, and maybe you do but no one saved you.

New Friends!

Final Project: Bar-hopping.

The watering holes of Kuala Lumpur are found in every nook and cranny of the city. For this final project, I was a little apprehensive with wanting to single out any individual to relate their Kuala Lumpur to me. I wasn’t even sure about the way I was going to go about this, if it should be recorded with video, or just the voice, etc. Deadlines are forever looming ahead of us like a thunderstorm that just won’t go away. I’m fickle like that, I do realize.


Anyway, back to the topic. The project required an interview of some sorts with anyone we choose to relate their story of this city to us, either personally, emotionally, historically and I suppose even spiritually. I felt that if I chose a specific person to interview, I might be missing out on all the other stories that I would like to hear as well. And thus, I proposed to “interview” (read: make new friends) different random strangers. In bars. I heard of my classmates’ ideas where they choose to pick one person from their lives and carry that story out. But my perspective of that had to be wider and to be speaking to complete strangers on a regular basis, just so I could have material for my project, is a little frightening, to say the least.


Bar-hopping isn’t a new feature in my life, I enjoy doing so for its socializing benefits, as well as the fact that it continues to fascinate me, how people get so friendly (sometimes, TOO friendly) after a few drinks. They are also a lot more tolerant and open, therefore so much easier to talk to. The intoxication must help in some way. I like how words flow freely when you don’t have barriers to stop you from saying anything. It’s a lack of mental filter or verbal diarrhea if you will. I’ve been in situations where I had drunk people shouting at me, for reasons that can only be known to themselves. It never ends well. I’ve also made countless new friends as one drink leads to another, I hope this continues down the road I am traveling.


My point is, I’ve tried to make this experiment of mine as painless as possible, as anonymous and secretive as I can, only to escape the fact that if I were to let these participants on about what I was doing, it would lose a part of its originality and the passion and pace would be different. I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing, why I was asking all these questions, or maybe I’m just good at evading certain questions. Everyone involved were from different walks of life, age groups, backgrounds, and nationalities. I do try to make it even when it comes to gender. But I’m female, it’s always easier for me to talk to men. Women have a weird radar around me, maybe it’s because I don’t comb my hair. Also, I specifically went to a variety of different bars because it draws a diversity of crowds and I get to pinpoint who will be my next victim.


The parallel lines we tread here are mostly one that allows my new found friends to simply speak their minds about Kuala Lumpur in whichever way they choose to see it. For the most of it, I stuck to what’s real to me and what I think would be real to many others as well. The country in which we live in, relationships and work were my central questions. Many people spoke of the current politics, how it’s remained stagnant, where issues of racism are always at the core of any situation. My interest ignites and wanes very quickly with this particular subject. One person in particular compared this problem to his own country, where communism is the central ruling system. We talked for a long time that night and I ended up with hope alight in my head. I don’t appreciate being disillusioned but realism needs to play his role. We have voices amongst us that cannot be silenced but a solo fighter who speaks out his mind can mean more than just a night in jail or the loss of a job. It’s obvious we have different priorities. I’ve always thought politics was all about money. Clearly, I have been convinced otherwise. Instead of something material, we are ruled by something we can’t even see, the unknown power of a racial struggle. I slip and try to find my footing from time to time because I don’t understand the entirety of it and that somehow, in my small world, the situation is bigger than I am.


Others walk into bars to drown their sorrows with the heavy broken hearts and love songs in the background don’t exactly help make things easier. But they readily pour their hearts out as they pour their drinks in. You get all sorts of love stories, some are made for the silver screen, I kid you not. I sympathize, pat them on the back and reminisce about my love stories, what happened, what’s going on and think about how it’ll be in the future. People get heartbroken everyday and when it happens to you, the world comes crashing down in a split second. When it ends, all you really want is a strong drink or two and sympathetic ears. That’s how it went for me and that’s how I did it for them.

Here’s some interesting quotes, right from the lips of the dejected:

“Life’s fair, everyone gets to have their heart broken at least once.”

“Going straight gets me nowhere, maybe I need to veer off course.”


Where work is concerned, you get office politics and some drama tossed in for good measure. The boss is the boss for a reason, and many a drink has been shared over the cubicle gossip and bars become the after office hours water cooler stand. It’s interesting to hear their stories on a white collar job. Even with minimal perks and plenty of paperwork, there’s still some space left in between to include the spat with the tea-lady or something tedious like that. I stifle many laughs in between, but I’ve yet to experience my first job in a 9-to-5 circle, and I hope for the sake of my sanity and others around me, that I would never have to do so. The closest I can get to matching my own experiences is that while their jobs are the central part of their lives, I would use university and my education to somehow level them together. True, I don’t earn money, neither do I have to work for a living. But experiences with people who backstab and gossip are all a part of life as we live among people. So it is with dull experiences. I don’t go paragliding or skiing every other day, and thus the excitement can only be this much. It is pretty much the same for all our office workers who sit through the rush hour on the Federal highway every working day.


Quite simply, I made them share a little piece of themselves with me, things I’ve always faced on my own in KL. Hearing them from strangers, people I don’t know, people whom I might quite well never meet again makes me feel that little bit better about being here. It’s unfair to say that each story was the same as the next one, but in relation to my life, it’s similar. There are a few people who caught my attention and we have ended up having regular nights out to talk and it’s a good opportunity for me to practice the art of conversation. But others were purely for the purpose of this project.


I'd do this again in a heartbeat.

Liew Kung Yu

Cadangan-cadangan Untuk Negaraku

Liew Kung Yu's 4 piece exhibition at the Galeri Petronas showcases Malaysian culture that is exaggerated through his photographs. His work portrays our nationalism and patriotism to a greater extent. However, because the photographs have been worked upon according to Liew's desires, it has turned into a story of its own.

He names each photograph to suit the elements and the topic at hand. "Bandar Sri Tiang Kolam", "Pantai Gelora Cahaya", "Metropolis Warisan" and "Konkrit Jungle" are the names of the 4 artworks. Each one has a gold frame, symbolizing our materialistic wants and it overlaps at certain angles. There are also red hibiscus flowers surrounding the photographs, a further significance of our culture as it is our national flower.

The photograph entitled "Bandar Sri Tiang Kolam" is emboldened with roman columns everywhere, relating this to a "Malay" appeal as it is often seen in many houses, regardless of their style or design as they are all about the residents of Malaysia. Government buildings fancy these roman columns too, a little strange attachment that appear to be powerful. The obsession with a greater respect for the white man shows here in these roman columns. Asians are generally known to put the white man on a pedestal, along with everything else that is considered "western". "Pantai Gelora Cahaya" on the other hand represents the tourism industry revolving a rainbow theme featuring a rickshaw, a symbol of our economic struggle in previous years and has now become an attraction and a means to earn some pocket money.

"Metropolis Warisan" is a confusing display of batik and the use of public transportation in our country. Needless to say, the system and the upkeep are appalling and to draw attention to this is of an utmost personal priority. Buildings become landmarks of this photograph with a few tourists around the city centre looking lost. Translated to English, it means a metropolis that is a heritage. This goes to show that we are inheriting a city and a history of haphazard city planning with only short term solutions for problems. Finally, "Konkrit Jungle" displays animals local to Asia. However, this is a symbolic representation and comparison between our community and the animals, more likely to represent our behaviour in society.

Persepolis

This has been sitting in my drafts for the LONGEST time.
Initially I wanted to interview a few Iranian friends about their views on politics in their country, so that I could try to find some sort of common ground. It is mainly to compare what our views are about the country we grew up in.

Watching an animated film when it is about violence, nationalism and the personal story of a citizen in Iran adds certain complexities for the audience. On one hand, I am trying to take it in seriously as a true story. On the other, the animation downplayed much of the intensity and replaced it with images that are not quite real to me. It was lacking some rawness to the entire film. Comic relief is provided throughout the film and I appreciate this perspective as well.

However, that is not the only point I will make about Persepolis. I found Marjane Satrapi’s point of view refreshing, to grow up in the heart of political turmoil as a young girl, with influences that are close to her heart. But it is also honest, because there was a point in her life when she strayed away from all that she had learnt. The many phases of her life shed light on the life of an individual. Growing up as a teenager both at home and abroad, experiencing a different culture as compared to her own, the scarf that draws the spotlight on her and other events become central to her life.

The interrelated text between politics and all other themes are connected closely within the film. The central theme of the autobiography holds a serious note throughout the animated film. However I personally feel that because it is animated, it downplays much of the "real" tension within the subject. Even so, comic relief is provided and I appreciate this perspective.

It does not lose any of its ideas and questions that are presented to Iranians and the rest of the world because the crux of this autobiography is how we view Iran as outsiders and how Iranians view Iran. The comparison is great and also the way the media portrays Iran. We are often misled to believe the media and all it says

The portrayal of a country and its ideals alongside the government with a chaotic undercurrent where the struggle for power would continue to exist within the frame of society, regardless of which country we may be living in. We are given an invitation into Satrapi’s life, her internal struggles and personal turmoil when it come to dealing with family, love, friendship, education and amidst all that, politics were at the center of everything.

In relation to the film and also other articles that have made their comment on the Islam world and its views, I find that it is often unfair for the Muslims, for the fact that they have to defend their faith constantly against those who condemn it. The judgment passed onto the rest of them for the wrong doings of a few are absolutely uncalled for.

Pecah Lobang

In my lame effort to make up for missing out on "Our Burmese Days" that was shown in class during my absenteeism, I will review a documentary I watched during the KLPac Urbanscapes event earlier this year. Indicine at KLPac had always shown different genres of films and I would actually attend a screening from time to time, even if it wasn't on a regular basis.


Ahem, I have digressed enough. My point is, this particular documentary caught me in a thorny position of sorts. A taboo, touchy subject in Malaysia, a country whom most of us would agree, is a place that can be as open and warm one minute and as cold as ice in the next. It really would depend on what we are talking about. There are sore wounds out there tonight in the streets of KL, I hope they feel better when they watch this amazing film because to be absolutely frank, I felt for them.


"Pecah Lobang" directed by Poh Si Teng, features Muslim transsexual sex workers in Malaysia. In particular, she focused the documentary around the life of one person who relates the community as a whole and the difficulties they face in every day situations as well as being a Malaysia. To me, I found it complicated that we give ourselves definitions after definitions after definitions. Must it be as such? Of course, I will be amongst the first to disagree that we are individuals and to be an individual, thus we require clarity to prove ourselves amongst society and its many individuals. But to be exact, it is a tremendous task.


The Muslim/Transsexual/Sex Worker/Malaysian. We get four different distinctions of what it's like to be the main character in the documentary. I was torn watching her, when she explains her life, her role, her job, her struggle both internal and external. WHY. The question is why are we forced to separate our multitude of alter-egos in the face of "taboo" and "law" and discrimination. I am lost in my own thoughts about how she must feel every single morning as she wakes up to a country of people who take her as someone who shouldn't exist. I strongly believe she has made her choice in terms of lifestyle, because quite simply there is no other way to go about this situation.


Throughout the entire documentary, she shed tears on the legal difficulties that she had to endure, and apparently at the time of filming, it was on-going. The issue of changing the gender from "male" to "female" is opposed by the government, also with the fact that the character is Muslim, therefore religious matters come into play. Being a sex worker is something that leaves her with no other options because people simply won't hire you, on whatever reasons they may have. i feel so angry for her, for people like her, for people who don't understand her, for the way our society is run, the way our thoughts are structured to be. perhaps all my angst is for nothing, because in a way, i can do nothing. you can only change if you want to.


Is the refusal to accept the laws of society are we considered rebels to be prosecuted against? I just want my rights, to be heard and seen, because everyone’s opinion should matter. Not just the ruling government who gives clockwork instructions.

The Big Durian

Racial issues are always the crux of our Malaysian culture. We like to talk about our various differences, who earns more money, who wears nicer clothes etc. How did the incident of Private Adam went amok at the beginning of the film turn into something that runs deeper within our nationalistic pride and notion of racial unity?


I like how Amir Muhammad used different people of different RACES to tell the one story of a man who started shooting in Chow Kit one night in October. It translates to the psychological warfare (I understand this phrase now, because I feel cheated. More on this later.) that is being played on us. Why, are we simple minded creatures who should follow like sheep in a herd? Fear remains the strongest factor as to why so many of us prefer to “cari makan” and close the chapter as it was right there. We do not want to interfere with things that we assume we can’t make a difference in.


I wish I understood this all earlier. Watching this documentary made me feel a tad stupider simply because the ignorant idiot in me has been clouded, shrouded, lied to, I feel CHEATED! In reference to my elders, I feel absolutely cheated. Each time I asked why such things happen in our country, they are ignorant as I was. “It’s the Malays who started it! Look, it’s in Kampung Baru! That’s the Malay area!” Why the difference between you and I, when the common ground does not lie with race, but with your nationality.


Why the racial issue will never end, only because we let it consume us from previous events. We are all the same, nothing but the same. We bleed red blood underneath all those different skins we live in. I don’t want to ask for anything more than the truth. It’s gruesome how we are so easily brainwashed by people of a hierarchy that cannot be breached. But after such passion, is it wise to remain defiant in the face of terror that strikes you in the core of your soul? There are resounding voices, encouraging us to go on and to never ever give up without a fight.


Farish Noor put it right, we elected these people for a reason. We wanted them to LEAD us in the right path. The majority elects the minority so that the minority may have the power to govern the country. What is the point, may I ask, if we appoint the repeated mistakes to head our country? To see change, you must make change. Certain parts of the documentary terrified me, the Star publications of those who were arrested was one of them. It scared me because at this time and age, ISA is already thought of as a system that works against the democracy ruling. And to think ISA existed in a time and age where people my age were not even born yet, and here we are, 20 years down the road and it’s still the same thing that’s been happening. Why? Because we let it happen.


It never surprised me that whilst some publications were closed down, while some prominent opposition party members were arrested, the ruling party had hardly anyone who stuck their foot out into the mud. Justice and peace has a long way to go before it finally reaches Malaysia. It hurt quite a bit seeing how some of are affected by it all, whereas the rest of us can’t be bothered. Why are we not bothered about what’s happening in our own country? This is a place I want to call home, I want to call it home and mean it. It’s a sack of empty words and empty promises by the very same people we elect, year in year out. It’s disheartening and lowers our morale in general.


I hope we can change, together.

i have strange memories of alice in wonderland and the wizard of oz
i don't quite know how to put it in words so that you may understand what their significance is to me. maybe they don't even mean anything more to me than just stories that i enjoy reading. but i think it runs deeper than that. the yellow brick road and those red shoes, cheshire cat and the tea party, it boggles me when i dream about it all.
entirely vivid and real, in HD colour and all that stars and stripes


i wish i was stronger than this, i keep falling to where i can't fix what went wrong
and each time i go into that dark place, i can't help thinking "what's there to stop history from repeating itself?"

perhaps secretly, i like to be hurt.

i meant it and i did.
the kooks got me wrong at this one.
i feel bad (do i really?), but it's an eye for an eye.

i live in the moment.

some things are better left unsaid.

maybe that's the common ground. you do a little, i do a little and those scales balance it all out.

you had me.

the truth is something hideous, but curiosity will always get the better of me
i know, i've always known, and now i know for sure
it's always a choice.
i wish i was better at letting go.

my heart breaks sometimes it's all the reason i need to hold in now.

blood and tears

it's a bundle of vices rolled in one bag of dreams
i've had some shit pickings lately

but in the real world, i've made some new friends who are, to say the very least, interesting.

will be on some sort of hiatus.

/break

three-o

i think it's horseshit, not because he said what i didn't want to hear
but my life is my own
it's what i make of it that counts.


i hear you, all the way at the bottom of the ocean.

telur mata

i like being a girl, it gives me tons of benefits
i get parking spaces in a crowded lot in a heartbeat because i smile and wave
people let me cut in their lanes on the road because i wear eyeliner
if i accidentally bump into someone pretty hard, i'm instantly forgiven because it's never my fault
security guards are also a lot more lax on identification because i ask what they had for dinner

but i also hate being a girl because of that time of the month
i drive myself crazy, i'm a walking disaster waiting to strike the next innocent victim.
by now, he can always tell when it's "on the way" because i'm extra extra difficult with a pickle on top.

i blame my hormones for fucking me up for at least 3 days of each and every month of my life from puberty til i hit the drought and there goes my ability to satisfy my lover
i am a volcano ready to erupt *pun not intended* whenever i ride the red wave

sometimes i wonder if this is what i really want in life
i feel so obligated and tied
yet so comfortable
i struggle to find a little niche to let go and sink in

i wonder if i have just settled and not asked for more
what if this is just all i'm getting?
shouldn't i ask for more?

i think this is just my hormones talking, like they do every month.

no surprises here.

p/s: if you have to say it to prove it, then i guess it wasn't worth it anyway.

red, soft and yummy

appreciate what you have,
when it's out of your reach and gone with the wind
it'll be too late to get it back
the seed of doubt was planted in the darkest corner
in a moment of impulse
it still has every opportunity to set in roots for growth
all it takes is a reason



it's 2.47am in the morning and my stomach begs to be filled with something, anything. i'm a little glued to "ten items or less", not quite paying my full attention. my mind wanders off between my abdomen, the tv and somewhere else. i think about the strawberries i saw in the fridge the other day, my dad bought a big plastic boxful. they looked juicy and good enough to eat :P now, imagine my surprise when i saw only three succulent ones left. oh screw this, better to have had a taste than to not have it at all. i sprinkle more than enough sugar necessary on them. i mess around, the sugar turns a slight pink from the deep red of the fruit. i take one and sink my teeth into the soft flesh, sweet and a slight sour taste like all strawberries. people who tell you that strawberries are sweet are Pinocchios! it's the sugar that reels that taste in. it's cold and completely rich in flavourrrrrrrrrr. i finish all three in a matter of minutes, too soon. i wish i lingered on each bite just a little longer. in between them i swipe some tinged sugar and licked them off my fingers just because i can taste a little strawberry with quite a lot of sugar. the heads with tiny green leaves sticking out of them look a little lonely without their bodies, but somehow that's okay. being incomplete isn't too bad.

two streets away

crows pecking a kitten's carcass on a hazy day
where's my BB gun?

she's forever stuck in some rut. dig away.

it's a sugar bomb

i don't say it as often i used to.

and i am expressive, to say the least.

start-up

she fell out of the wrong side of bed even if she had a bolster
she rolls over and hits the floor in a short instance
but she doesn't realize it and continues dreaming

it's a thud that wakes her father up, so he picks her up and puts her back in bed
the pillow always covers her face, like there's no room for breathing space
but it's comfortable.
sometimes it gets cold, but she hates blankets and kicks them away in a nightmare
she's a strange child

it's an obsession they inherit

money.

i admit it, i spend all my money on food, petrol and certain indulgences
therefore i am broke half the time, nothing left over that would suffice to buy clothes, bags, accessories and the list goes on.
but it's not so bad.
what i REALLY don't get is how is that people complain they are broke and can still have dinner at fancy smancy restaurants, not to mention it's also a favourite past time to check out sales at various locations and PRETEND, oh i'm poor therefore i shop during the sale

dude, if you're POOR, you wouldn't have food on the table 5 times daily, a roof over your head and clothes on your back. so shut the fuck up about how poor you are and how miserable your life is.
this is COMPLETE BULLSHIT
i swear, that's one face I'd love to slap.

it's unbelievably irritating

anyhoo, don't mistake my honesty for cynicism
and mostly i do know that these idiots will realize with time, material goods are just that. material.

happy shopping people! :D

weather forecast: lovely sunny days ahead, it's been gorgeous weather on this plane.

on the home front, it's dismal at times but krispy kreme is here to save the day.
behold! sugar!
and i wish you'd just tell me what the fuck is wrong
i second guess and triple guess and you're so stressed out and i read what you write and it's your personal life and all that but you're really making it difficult for me to be your friend.
so just get it out of your system already.

i need to do something this week. something new.

i got owned.

there's still so much we never knew about each other
weird.
but now we do (:
scrumptious sup kambing

i guess it holds true, you can't know someone inside out, not even if you've spent a lifetime together.


:S
i shall not let it go to the dark place. it does not exist. it's all in my head. all the monsters, yes some people actually look like monsters, their souls are tainted and Medusa is their idol.

i validate my own existence.

the cheese is the bait

"Here's the litmus test - if it will upset the other party when they find out, I think it's considered cheating. So if you have to hide it, you shouldn't do it. no excuses whatsoever."


it's a lesson some of us skipped.

black and gold

when you find you, come back to me.

i'm lost, wearing a mask in the city i don't quite know.

better than i used to be, stronger than you think i am
i'm a layer cake*


“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

— Bob Marley

riddle my fiddle

she has it in for me and love-starved
it's a strainer, coffee only please
magic numbers on the digital clock
neon-like and weak in the dark

it's estranged, you shouldn't do it like this

impatience is the root of all human error
it rings so true, in every action and every decision i have ever made in haste
if i had just waited, stopped to think, made a little more room.

i want a deeper conversation.

take two

we were in ampang today
went by the place where he used to live
i drove up with my car
and everything was almost like a replica in that time frame
it's occupied for the time being by someone else

it was where it all started a year ago
i went over for a family dinner
and i remember it like it was yesterday
in all my nervousness, i was just glad that there were other guests as well

honestly i will save up money and buy that place for ourselves
it has a beautiful view and too many memories to leave behind

i don't want to forget what happened, so bear with my corny words and cheesy lines la ok? (:

the best is yet to come.

it's one year today
i thought we were Time, ever changing, never stopping
and that stays true of us no matter what has happened

so close to ending it all, so near to the edge at one point (two months ago)
but we pulled through
the past is the past, the present is now and the future is unknown
and so we live for tomorrow and not yesterday.

it's a test, life's a fucking game we play everyday
but life can't stop the people who have a passion that overwhelms even ourselves at times
the flame flickered in vain, with nothing but a tiny glimmer of hope
and it burns today with such intensity

a relationship is as strong as the people who are in it
i find it incredible that he's my equal in so many ways
i understand why the trust is so hard to form between us
because if one was lesser than the other
it would just mean that there is no challenge
and we do have a little competition, and that's the drive i crave
i sought after it and honestly everyone else was just one big disappointment

i can't imagine being with someone who's incapable of understanding my personality
as so many of my past mistakes have proven
there is still much to learn, and i am willing.


i am as such, any change should come from within
not from the lips of another person who wants me to be someone else

to you, who tried to break this bond
to you, who have cheered us along
to you, who love and hate us for who we are and what we symbolize in your life
everyone played a role in this
for better or for worse

we didn't quite celebrate it, he was sick and his family was around
there was a family dinner, amidst some tension in the air
it's always the best when it's just the two of us
i'm going to burn him a CD
all those songs that were mind fucks a year ago til today (:

there's also a long running argument between us that the anniversary should be on the 5th instead of the 4th because the number sounds better and trust me, this is definitely not me +_+
in any case i got my way, as usual and it is the 4th :P



happy anniversary yang
i love you
cheers (:

you can't have it all

thursday afternoon was spent hunting for a new outfit to no avail
but jack kerouac made my afternoon, a bargain like no other
then there was dinner at aunty jo's and a little drinking at changkat later
i don't like begging for company, but it turned out well in the end

friday was meant to be with just friends, only one showed up but even then we didn't meet
the house party at fiona's was good, even though the night ended rather lamely
my front tire punctured on the highway, we changed it and then ate some lok-lok while watching trannys getting picked up

saturday was just a family dinner, i decided against putting him through mental anguish so all the boys came later, and off we went to 21, had drinks drinks drinks, i don't remember half of what i did. apparently i wasn't exactly behaving appropriately =/ in any case, i got home and knocked out like a light.

come sunday, it was a slow afternoon and i spent the rest of the day with him, watching movies and eating. unbelievably quiet and just perfect. calls poured in at midnight onwards, i'm not a party animal la :P i can have a quiet night in ;)

monday was the slowest of all, just like a regular day. i had a great combo of all three beautiful aspects (: family, friends and lover. i had a slice of cake and plenty of kisses :D


an over-rated sort of birthday because it's the big 21
it was good, it was bad, i laughed, i cried, i fought and won, i battled and lost, it was a myriad of emotions and colours, i was on the highway of life and then i lost control and ended up in a mud raked ditch, crawled on my belly and did all that i could, it was still life that kept this on a thread, he says we should not cry because the damned don't cry, never truer than in the instance that self-pity absorbs your mind.

coup de grace

the tests
the trials
the speeches
the silence
the thoughts
the words
the music
the footsteps
the fingerprints
the laughter
the sadness
the winter chill
the summer breeze
the autumn leaves
the spring fresh
the highs
the lows
the kisses
the tears
the love
the hurt
the good
the bad
the insane
the rationale


i am.

bite marks and coffee mugs

because i think Nicolas Cage deserves an award for every damn movie he's ever been in, fml please.
except for faceoff and con air

because the reason wasn't to stay, it was to leave

because William Blake carved more than his name in me

because a circle symbolizes something with no end

because Judgment Day is like a Martin

because you're worth more dead than alive.

I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience most of them, on the whole, are trash - Sigmund Freud

i contemplate on giving people an opportunity to prove me wrong
optimism should not fail me, or so i think.
but every chance you take, you disappoint me further.

i can't give up yet.
not right now.

i don't want to fall asleep at night feeling completely hopeless and thinking i have failed again at another attempt. i want to wake up, charged to take you head on.
maybe one day, you will see the other side.

hope is the only thing left that's worth something.

my brother bought me a hairclip from his latest trip.
enough said.

sick cycle, it's always the drink that gets me in the end.
hey, it's better than sleeping pills.
bob said i could OD on them +_+


essays are now just words. big words, small words, they are lost to me now.
everything i touch, turns to stone.

spontaneous combustion

would you leave me out in the winter cold
was it just my imagination
or did that dream come true?
let me take you to where rainbows meet
only three miles away from the castles in the sky
paint the sky a deep amber
and call me when you find yourself

inhale deeply and plunge into the deepest ocean
take a moment to sink in the biggest cloud
they come in shapes that you carve with your mind













what's the meaning of it all if what we strive for amounts to nothing?
what's the value of each and everything we acquire?
what's the price we pay and is it what we look for?
does it equate to what we really desire?
don't you question the reason as to why we wake up everyday?
haven't you ever fallen asleep, thinking it'd all be over if you just didn't wake up again?
what's the point?
what is the damn point?

you can't give me what i want
you can't give me anything you think i want
so just give up already
just take ur shit and leave
don't stick around thinking i'm just craving and wanting your subtle nuances


you are nothing
you are nothing to me and you can't try to be what you have been wanting to be.
you just have to be.


jump the ship
break the bottle
slap your mother if you have to

just get out of that trance


stop waiting for people to save you
they will never come to your rescue
it's human nature to be selfish at first instance

"oh i understand how you feel"
fuck you
you don't understand anything.
don't even try
you'll get sucked into a warp of nothingness that you wished you never touched in the first place

when there's nothing left to burn
you've got to set yourself on fire.







i could never leave you even if i wanted to
you have too much of me















women must not give the secrets of their heart so freely
i do not blame my love
but my discretion

men will take love for granted if they should know at one glance that we would give the world for them
i am no such!

give me a little of yourself
it is not in my nature to give

i am intent in doing something no other has achieved

i shall be valued for me
i took the heat of my own soul
and moulded it and so triumphed!

what i think you want is power over me
which i do bridle at

for it is only i who can do what you say i can do
i want the passionate love
i want to sweep the hearts of the people
i wish to be moved
i cannot feel in life
you are spoken as a man who has a stomach for life

that women will ever view men with suspicion

life has no purpose
trembling confused
dry
unmoving lump i lie

i'm that hot shot down the block
i don't want to live in a box
this is my youth
this is my life
i'm on a foot long leash
bitch you can't handle the fucking truth
so i lie
just to make you feel better
ignorance is bliss

break into a run
slow down the beat
keep it going
just don't fall out midway

slow motion

Arctic Monkeys - Only One Who Knows

In a foreign place
The saving grace was the feeling
That it was her heart that he was stealing
He was ready to impress
And the fierce excitement
The eyes are bright
He couldn't wait to get away
And I bet that Juliet was just the icing on the cake
Make no mistake, no
And even somehow he could have shown you
The place you wanted
Well I'm sure you could have made it that bit better on your own
And I bet she told a million people that she'd stay in touch
But all the little promise that don't mean much
When there's memories to be made
And I hope you're holding hands by new year's eve
They made it far too easy to believe
That true romance can't be achieved these days
And even if somehow they could have shown you the place you wanted
Well I'm sure you could have made it that bit better on your own
You are the only ones who know

two-timing

they came right in for me.
i did nothing to stop them.
no, i didn't.
oh i didn't want to, i didn't mean to, i didn't...
it happened anyway.

what now?
what will happen now?
should i lie? should i pretend it didn't happen?
would i be able to wash my hands clean of that?

even if you could get over it, my conscience wouldn't let me go.

i get scared, terrified even, when i know we are just the same
no way, i don't exist as a man, i exist as i am
but you proved it all wrong.
that itself is so exhilarating, satisfying
there is definitely a male version of me
i've found what i've been looking for
how many of us can say we've met our match in this life?
i have, and it's been one exciting ride.
i wouldn't exchange this for the fucking world.
all the mistakes, all the right moves
damn right, this is the shit everyone begs for.
everyone else just pales in friggin comparison, it's pathetic.

baby, it's all been a game. just a mind game.
it's like being on fire. all i ever searched for was the fire and who started it.

For a crowd is not company, and faces are but a gallery of pictures, and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love. - Francis Bacon



on another note, nothing impresses me now.
he was right. sometimes, i wish i was easier to please.

i feel bad, for all the people who get used for money.
it's times like these i'm glad i'm not filthy rich
it's just disgusting to actually view someone for how much money they have
instead of what they really hold in their hearts

i guess i can say i was once that way
but not anymore
and i'm glad i have changed.
it's downright a shame.


you get what you deserve

the perishers - trouble sleeping

I’m having trouble sleeping
You’re jumping in my bed
Twisting in my head
Leave me

I’m having trouble breathing
You’re sitting on my chest
I sure could use the rest
Leave me

It’s you
Why’s it always you
and never me?
I’ve never dared to let
my feelings free
Why’s it always you
and never me?
never cared
too much about honesty

I’m having trouble sleeping
I’m thinking of what you said
About the tears been shed
Leave me

It’s you
Now and always you
but never me
I’ve never dared to
let my feelings free
Why’s it always you
and never me?
never cared
too much about honesty

third eye blind - how's it going to be

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder what are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder is there anything
I'm going to miss
I wonder how it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there's no one there to talk to
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like the hammock by the
Doorway we spent time in swings empty
Don't see lightning like last fall
When it was always about to hit me
I wonder how's it going to be
When it goes down
How's it going to be
When you're not around
How's it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
And how's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
I want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion oblivion
How's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
How's it going to be

the cardigans - for what it's worth

One, two, three, four

Hey baby come round
Keep holding me down
And I'll be keeping you up tonight.

The four letter word got stuck in my head
The dirtiest word that I've ever said
It's making me feel alright.

For what it's worth I love you
And what is worse I really do
Oh what is worse I'm gonna run run run
'Till the sweetness gets to you
And what is worse I love you!

Hey please baby come back
There'll be no more loving attack
And I'll be keeping it cool tonight.

The four letter word is out of my head
Come on around get back in my bed
Keep making me feel alright.

For what it's worth I like you
And what is worse I really do
Things have been worse
And we had fun fun fun
'Till I said I love you
And what is worse I really do!

For what it's worth I love you
And what is worse I really do.
Oh

For what it's worth I love you
And what is worse I really do.
Oh

For what it's worth I love you
And what is worse I really do....

bettie serveert - lover i don't have to love

I picked you out of a crowd and talked to you.
I said, "i like your shoes."
You said, "thanks can i follow you?"


So it's up the stairs and out of view-
No prying eyes
I poured some wine
I asked your name, you asked the time...


Now it's two o'clock-
The club is closed and we're up the block
Your hands on me; pressing hard against your jeans


Your tongue in my mouth, trying to keep the words from coming out
You didn't care to know who else may have been you before


I want a lover i don't have to love.
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck.
Where is the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet him here, but i'm not sure
I got the money if you've got the time
You said, "it feels good."
I said, "i'll give it a try."


Then my mind went dark
We both forgot where your car was parked
Let's just take the train
I'll meet up with the band in the morning


Bad actors with bad habits
Some sad singers they just play tragic
And the phone's ringing and the van's leaving
Let's just keep touching; let's just keep, keep singing...


I want a lover i don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Where is the kid with the chemicals
I got a hunger and i can't seem to get full
I need some meaning i can memorize
The kind i have always seem to slip my mind


But you..
But you...
You write such pretty words
But life's no storybook
Love's an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt

Do you like to hurt?
I do, i do
Then hurt me..
Then hurt me...
Then hurt me...

kt tunstall - other side of the world

Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an iceberg
Waiting to change
But she's cold inside
She wants to be like the water

All the muscles tighten in her face
Buries her soul in one embrace
They're one and the same
Just like water

The fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the other side of the world to me

On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers and feelings alike
But the time has come
To move along

The fire fades away

Can you help me
Can you let me go
And can you still love me
When you can't see me anymore

The fire fades away

keane - bedshaped

Many's the time I ran with you down
The rainy roads of your old town
Many the lives we lived in each day
And buried altogether
Don't laugh at me
Don't look away

You'll follow me back
With the sun in your eyes
And on your own
Bedshaped
And legs of stone
You'll knock on my door
And up we'll go
In white light
I don't think so
But what do I know?
What do I know?
I know!

I know you think I'm holding you down
And I've fallen by the wayside now
And I don't understand the same things as you
But I do

Don't laugh at me
Don't look away

You'll follow me back
With the sun in your eyes
And on your own
Bedshaped
And legs of stone
You'll knock on my door
And up we'll go
In white light
I don't think so
But what do I know?
What do I know?
I know!

And up we'll go
In white light
I don't think so
But what do I know?
What do I know?
I know!

electric president - good morning, hypocrite

Seems like the roads stretch out like veins, but there's no heart.
Nature's haircut is concrete now, and we played our part.
So we sing ...

I've lost my taste for modern things. They're not for me.
I want mundane: a quiet place, where time is free,
And I can sing ...

Climbed from my bed, to collect the thoughts that'd fallen from my head,
And you watched me sink, through the carpet, through the basement, and beyond.
And you didn't blink.

On the glass, I traced the sun with my thumb. It sank into the ground.
And then the stars were blinking, like kids who were staring into the wind.
So I climbed through the window and walked until I lost my name.
Now I can play the victim. It's fine. I've seen it on TV.
But if there's one thing I know, it's that I never really know enough.

Our heads, our hands, our brains, our lungs: they're just machines.
These hearts are all that we've got left, and they don't beat.

Live a little, talk a lot; it's the way this goes.
I've come to fear the little knives beneath their well-pressed clothes.
Their arms are reaching; reach is spreading through the neon glow.
Their mouths are moving, but their voices sound like telephones.
The traffic hums; the traffic grumbles near my old window.
The street lights flicker; glow and hover like suspended snow.
I used to watch the moon retreat and wonder where it goes.
Now I just wonder why my head is overrun with ghosts

club 8 - love in december

so this is love
in the end of december
quiet nights
quiet stars
and i'm here
monday to sunday
cause you're fragile
and i'm weak

so you fall
when the nights grow longer
into sleep
and won't wake up

and i'm here
i'm sitting beside you
and i'll wait until the spring

don't you worry
i'll be there for you
don't worry about me
you know me better than that
don't you worry
i'll be there for you
i'll catch you if you would fall

so you drift
when the days grow colder
away from me
and won't look back
far away
and i can't guide you
but i'm here
til the spring

don't you worry
i'll be there for you
don't worry about me
you know me better than that
don't you worry
i'll be there for you
i'll catch you if you would fall

don't you worry
i'll be there for you
don't worry about me
you know me better than that
don't you worry
i'll be there for you
i'll catch you if you would fall

i'll catch you if you would fall

I don't want something that I can lose

don't put my love on the runaway train
the spiral stairs which disappears into thin air
or the escalator that leads to nowhere

is it so hard to keep your heart?
no, no i can't stop someone from taking you away
but baby please, don't come and go as you wish
and just stay

you only hope we take a wrong step
and darling, there it all goes
does good prevail in this game?
would honesty and truth be the make or the break?

you don't get even the least from me
because you don't deserve it
despicable intentions underneath that pretty mask
but i wish you well, even if jealousy is your only friend.

find your own man, goddamnit.

deeper conversation

Is your favourite colour blue?
And do you always tell the truth?
Do you believe in outer space?
I'm learning you

Is your skin as tan as mine?
Does your hair flow side ways?
Did someone take a portion of your heart?
Now I'm learning you

And if you don't mind can you tell me all your hopes & fears
And everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me....

I've let my guard down for you
And in time you will too

And if you don't mind can you tell me all your hopes & fears
And everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me....

And if you don't mind can you tell me all your hopes & fears
And everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me....

Deeper conversation with me
Deeper conversation

Does your name rhyme with mine?


i heard this tonight on the way to his place
there is no other
it was raining quite heavily
and the radio was fuzzy as usual
but i heard this song, and i was no longer in my car

i was next to him, lying on the mattress of ap's room
in the dark, looking at each other
listening to music
talking
reading each others minds
it was almost too much
but i couldn't stop myself
and i knew he couldn't either.

the bright brake lights brought me back to the car.
ah, we're beautifully equal

you drilled into me that children are not filial
that the young ones never did show gratitude, appreciation, love
you mention, time and again, we would grow up and forget about the bosoms that we nestled in
the giant hands that led us across streets, shoulders that we sit upon
you were on repeat, how we do not care about you
how we live our lives in obscurity, privacy and solitude
that family was nothing to us

but the real question is, it's all reverse psychology isn't it?
that you say what you say because you want us to do the opposite of what you tell us.
let me tell you something, the answer is that no matter how much you try to backtrack our behavior, it will not succeed. you played this the wrong way.
every time you tell me i don't care about you, i really do care a little less.
and one day it will all dry up and there'll be nothing left to show for it.
it's sad, it's a pity, it's a sham
but you said it, you said it more than enough to make it come true.
now, you have your wish, you got what you asked for.

why then are you still so unhappy?

Please, hold up my heart
Give me a reason for this empty silence

You're here but you seem so far
Why did you run away from me?
Is it because I'm not as pretty as I used to be?
Oh, like a picture on the wall,
Shoulda known that I was bound to fall,

So please, hold up my heart
Give me a reason for this empty silence
Please, hold up my heart
Darlin', I am changing, but everybody's changing too.

When I am weak, try to always find the best of you and me
But I will always be the one who understands you
Like a picture on the wall
Shoulda known that I was bound to fall

So please, hold up my heart
Give me a reason for this empty silence
Please, hold up my heart
Darlin' I am changing, but everybody's changing too.

We share hope, we share life
We share kisses by the fire
and I will always be the one who understands you

So please, hold up my heart
Give me a reason for this empty silence
Please, hold up my heart
Give me a reason for this empty silence
Please, hold up my heart
Darlin' I am changing, but everybody's changing too.



Darlin, I am changing, but everybody's changing too.

A thousand times I've seen you standing
Gravity like lunar landing
You make me want to run till' I find you
I shut the world away from here
I drift to you, you're all I hear
As everything we know fades to black
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same
I find a place where we escape
Take you with me for the space
The city buzz sounds just like a fridge
I walk the streets through seven bars
I have to find just where you are
The faces seem to blur
They're all the same
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same
So much more to say
So much to be done
Don't you trick me out
We shall overcome
It's all left still to play
We should've had the sun
Could have been inside
Instead we're over here
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time too long defending
You and I are done pretending
I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
Everything will change
I, oh I, I wish this could last forever
I, oh I, As if we could last forever
Love remains the same
Love remains the same


oh so much to say
there's just no space to spill
do or die.
what ache is this
can you tell what my mind speaks?
and would you do anything to fix this?
no, i'm telling you, there is nothing you or I could do.

goober

gosh facebook stinks of too much self-love in all those photos!
can you believe some people actually have like 900++ shots @_@
no comment.
slap her face, tak tau malu.
teng tou hoi geh meng tou siong xing hoi liong pa
actually that applies to a LOT of ppl, especially those who tak tau malu
anyways, i wish i was a boy for about a week or so every month
no, i don't want a penis.
no, i don't want to be stupid :P haha kidding!
but i'd just like to skip the PMS, the period and the aftermath.
it's so frustrating. i know i'm being difficult and yet i can't help myself but just to be difficult. damn chowcibai right?

and you know la, the whole cirit-birit thing, it just makes everything worse?
like seriously.
friday night? i'm too cool for parties so i stay home and read about how to gain power +_+
sien dou.
fuck, damn annoying laaaaaaa
wtf am i rambling about

a secret isn't a secret until one of two dies.

i'm alone in this space.
there's nothing in between.
you gave me this solitude, and took everything i had.
and now i'm alone.

fuck you and all your empty promises
i hate the very fact that i allow you to do this to me
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you

it's the smallest thing in the world to you and probably a lot more than that to me
so fuck you
what, it's so hard for you to understand the significance behind it?
what, i have got to spell it out for you?
what, i'm making a mountain out of a molehill?
so what? i have every goddamn right to be pissed.
fuck you.
you think NOTHING when it comes to me
and it's so frustrating and yet i can't do anything about it
so fuck you.

DON'T MAKE PROMISES YOU CAN'T FUCKING KEEP.

salivate.

i like the idea of instant noodles in a cup.
having maggi mee perisa kari when you get a B-minus on a quiz you thought you aced, when your favourite show has its finale and you're sad to see them go, when it's cold as ice outside and you're snuggled in between a good book/movie on your couch, slurping away at all that spicy goodness...
that's heaven in a yellow cup.

freakshow.

i like not wearing underwear, it's airy and the feeling of unstuffed, unsqueezed bits of your body into itsy-bitsy triangular shapes of cotton is one that can't be described without going through it yourself (:

ah quit playing games with my heart! you say it just to annoy me, just to whisk a reaction out of me. or you do it unintentionally but it's still fucking mencibaikan! JUST STOP IT!

and an unlikely trio spent 20 minutes bugging shaarad about how it's a waste of a friday morning to be stuck in a class full of people who just won't cooperate. i can imagine how frustrating it is for him, so thank goodness i'm not in his shoes. but seriously, dumbing oneself down just so the rest of you dumbfucks get to pass the class is NOT how i want to spend the rest of my semester.


you can call me whatever you like, only because it makes you feel better about your sorry self.
pathetic.

come away with me, let's reminisce about the days in the sun
and you can wipe my smeared eyeliner on the train
but til then, just drop the ball and leave the field
i'm just waiting at the edge of time for you.

ponder away

"The fact is, if he wants you, and I mean want-you-so-badly-it-hurts, there are no mixed messages. He will move heaven and earth to be with you. If he's not in to you, the only thing he'll move is his thumb: 'want 2 come over 2nite?'
Need I say more?"

go figure.

i am Desire, just like the breeze on the sea, the wind in your hair
sink this in, soak it up
do i taste of someone you used to kiss?

do you Dream, like i do?

what path did Destiny set you off to?

grasp Death by her hand and take that walk with her, its less lonely when you have someone to guide you.

walls of darkness, spiraling into an abyss, that's my Despair

you didn't know it was possible to change from delight to Delirium, in an instant? what was your turning point?

Destruction is when you set yourself on fire.

pysch

the things alcohol does to a person, let's not even go into that.
where's that dark place i go to?
it's just an immediate reaction, *snap* we're here.
you should feel better, it's a lift like nothing else
when you're sky high and elevated and the whole "let's just party our brains out tonight" mood comes on, it'll just turn into a dark abyss of complete nothingness and let's swirl and twirl those dancing shoes, tip that glass over, smile your frustrations away.
oh the remedy of many many spirits, just a tinkle for tonight.

i imagine the voice in my head to take the image of a tiny little fella, dwarf-like, shouting everything and anything that makes me want to choke myself. i go haywire when he starts talking. oh fuck. can you please just shut the fuck up because you're driving me insane, i'm upside down inside out, stretched in all ways, and all you can do about it is to rile me up even more? you know what you do to silence that voice? take a brick and throw at it. trust me, he gets good at ducking after awhile, so you just have train to aim.

i'm all out there, and everywhere. you can see me in that man across the room, i'm the student on the train, the song that you sing when you're in the shower, you can feel me in the strangest of places, when you're having McD's at the mall, when you drink coffee and smoke that cigarette.
you just have to learn how to look out for me, the same way that i'm looking out for you.
those little signs of life that radiate.

ciao bella

you're leaving on a jetplane
):

ah, it's been good having you.
do you remember how we met?
i miss those late night conversations
i like your room, and the bed big enough for 3
your cd collection that amazes me
you're my music library
how you like walking in thunderstorms/rain
i can't think of anyone else who would stay up til i'm asleep, that 'adventurous' night

i think i lost that photograph we took in mcdonald's petaling street so many years ago
when we first met face-to-face for the first time! ah malunya! :P
i was in my prefect uniform! hahahaha

i remember certain V days because of you
2 roses! and a coffee (:
we fought, over what, for the life of me, i now can't recall
but i'm glad we made up

we had our differences, i'm glad for everything that happened, and then some.

excuse me miss?

word.

i steal these things

# Asking a girl on Friday for a date on Saturday is completely unacceptable. Keyword: Planning
# Shave every day. One day's growth of facial hair is worse than a girl not shaving her legs for a week.
# We don't shave our legs every day, get over it.
# Ask for directions.
# If you said you are going to be somewhere at a certain time, then do it. Don't expect us to wait around.
# Your way is not always the right way. Learn to say- "I was wrong, sorry."
# Is it that hard to make it up to a girl by saying "Sorry, honey, I don't want to fight, you know I do love you"?
# If you say you are going to do something, then just do it. Don't tell us you will and then sit around thinking of creative excuses why you couldn't get to it.
# You have to tell a girl how you feel about her.
# Being able to make us laugh is so much more important than how much you can bench-press.
# Walks in the rain, kisses on the forehead, and cooking dinner for us will get you everywhere.
# Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or after sex doesn't count.
# A man I love plans the occasional fancy-shmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
# I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
# I need to hear how you feel about me. OFTEN. Tell me now.
# Surprises, especially gifts for ME = MORE LOVING.
# I want to be the best thing that's ever hapened to you. And for you to recognize this.
# I like it when you tell me what you're thinking even if you don't know yourself.
# Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
# It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
# The "little things" in a relationship are really the biggest.
# Make fun of our clothes...prepare to die.
# We reserve the right to hate all of your ex-girlfriends.
# Manners are sexy. Opening doors, table manners...the whole nine yards...*meow*

how do you tell the love of your life that it's the smile he has on his face when he sees you, all you look forward to? (at the risk of sounding like a mega cheeser)

ah words aren't enough.

deep blue sea

do i, like death, suck the life out of you?
what is it that i do, that makes me feel like i can't say anything right?
isn't spontaneity a trait that is much-valued by you?
i feel that, of late, i say far too many things that make you cringe.
it's sad, of course. but not something that i can do anything about.
i resolve, to never be soft at heart. but that would mean i will care less.

it hurts. it stings to the core. i can hardly bear to replay those words, i've heard them twice or thrice now, ah here it comes - "smother".
no, of course it's no one's fault. yes we all have our own troubles. definitely, not something intended to insult. what? please don't take it the wrong way.
see, i'm left with the wrong way. i'm not entitled to another "way", so this is the only way i will take, whether i like it or not.

ku memang tak kisah kalau kamu cakap benar dengan saya
tapi saya tidak suka ditipu, lebih-lebih lagi apabila saya tidak menyangsi anda.
apakah susahnya jika anda bercakap terus-terang dengan saya?
terguris hatiku bila nampak gambar gambar yang diambil
adakah persahabatan kita tidak penting lagi bagimu?

anyways, if it is what it is, then so be it la.
i'm just disappointed that's all.
but what's new? they always let you down.
fuck it.

it's just the way it goes.

it's supposed to be chinese new year right about... now?
strangely enough it doesn't feel like it used to
reunion dinners where everyone is noisy and bossy
the pitter patter of feet, sticky feet on sticky floors
it's just not the same
but i don't know what changed, i can't put my finger on it
when did it all happen?
somewhere between me leaving high school and being in uni i suppose?
washing dishes after every major family dinner has always been a standing order
but this year, it took awhile for us to back in the groove of just horsing around and talking jack about everything under the sun.
i admit, i was merely pretending to be interested in the conversation.
yes, i'm getting really good at that too.
but it was all done with good intentions.

i don't know you anymore.
i don't think i want to try.
that unshakable belief, it's so strong but at least i can withstand it and still be on my way because i know for a fact, an unmistakable fact that i am, at least, alive today. no longer blinded by what you call "faith".

oh yes, it's depressing. this is supposed to be a joyous time of the year, ushering prosperity and fortune. but it's also the first year where i am completely thrown off by my own actions and words. perhaps it's the flu, but then that's just denial on my part. i can see that everyone else has just about remained in the box, maybe shifted a few chairs and tweaked some buttons here and there.
but i'm outside, looking in.
i don't want to go in. it took me years to get out, and to allow myself to fall into the very same thing that ensnares them all? i don't think so.

i'm not an evil person. but there's only so much one can say to make the rest understand.
i realize i'm not a charismatic person, and really, infiltrating minds is just a job that you automatically do. it doesn't do anything to make you feel better, if anything, it just makes you feel worse.

do you understand what i'm saying?
this rift is too big to repair.
the damage is done.

mis-matched.

they looked at me
and all i could see was black and white
despite all their colours

they came out and showed me all their glory in the light

what i gained from the light years you emit
will never do you justice

*drunk writing, what on earth was i thinking?!*

at an event i attended, i met faces i didn't think i'd see again
it was strange and awkward to say the very least.
not because we had so much in common when we first met,
but more likely because of the differences we have
it's weird to be in a clique identified as the people you know

some people are better left unnoticed.
i'm one of them.

are you just another person breathing in my air?

neoconservative
islamic revolutions
*insert name of politicians/historians/political scientists*
interviews
footage
war scenes
reel-time
and anything else related to whatever i watched earlier today

documentaries are interesting but it seems a bit too much to process in one hour or so
especially when i don't have the "necessary" knowledge for it all :P

i think i tak erti ber-belog anymore. this is utter nonsense @_@
my head is everywhere but here
and that reminds me, "your mind is not in your head" (:
on another note, i'm reading "the concept of mind" by gilbert ryle (even though i have never heard of him before i stumbled across that book at the library)
and a bit of freud "we can be anything we want to be as long as we WANT it" + "what if i told you that we are only on the surface, the tip of the mind, that we have not even begun to delve into the very depths of the mental capabilities of our intelligence?" equals to -----> :O
ahahhhaahhaha oh so much for intellectual stimulation
i have too much reading for uni as it is
plus essays ):

every beginning of the year is somewhat lousy for me
and this year is not so very different
but i shall try to make it better
(:

i bloghop like any other frequently because it's fun and i'm a nosy parker :P
but i think the real reason is just so i know what's going on with you, even if i'm not the first person you'd tell. sometimes i find that you write profoundly, perhaps with a lot of emoticons and phrases i may not know, i see happy smiley people in your photographs, but sometimes you get depressed and annoyed. i pick up my cues from your stories which may or may not be trivial but nevertheless it's about you.

Christmas was here sometime ago, I had a good time but it wasn't the best. you win some, you lose some. i saw your blogs, many of you spent time with family and at church, doing plays or going for midnight service. that reminds me of a time when i did the exact same things, but as of last year i saw my faith slipping away. when i see the photos of your religiously celebrated holiday, i wonder what was it exactly that happened to me. did i lose out on being in the same circle where i grew up in with people of the church or am i just one of the very few people out there who came to realize that religion isn't all there is to life?

that's what i see in my parents. they are caught up with work, and that's normal because it's necessary to survive. and they spend the rest of the time doing charity work for the church, helping out with bazaars, dinners, fund raising events etc.
i used to love being in the midst of it all, being a part of the youth team, going for spiritual camps... that was all good and dandy til one fine day, i met a completely different group of people who saw everything upside down and inside out. it was strange, it was weird, i felt like a social outcast because while i used to be proud for being street-wise, meeting these people was probably the first REAL thing that has ever happened to me. they may not be your regular joes who fit the social stereotype of a jock or a nerd, but while i lived in a world of black and white, theirs had colours of every kind. i was even, to a certain extent, ashamed of myself. of my genuine naivety towards everything. i can't claim i'm all-knowing and knowledgeable now, but i daresay that i'm enlightened by these people and their thoughts with whom i understand.

Buddha's state of mind was to achieve enlightenment, that is to "awaken".
i believe i'm one step closer to that.

the things i think about at night

perhaps it's just a distant memory after a long time
or a booger that you can't get rid of but you insist on picking at it
all those random trails that don't lead you to where you want to go

coming up with the truth to the people you care about is something i absolutely detest doing.
maybe when we are all aging gracefully, i can let slip about how it's not a crime to just live.
even then, i don't trust myself with being completely capable of letting that sink in.

i don't wish for different people to live with,
i just wish we shared similar ideas so that we could reach a compromise.
i suppose if i were in your shoes, i might even over-react.
dying is the easy part of life.

i'd hate to be the one to say this
but you'll regret it.
sorely.
not because of me, but because of your choices.
you took the easy way out, and now you have to live with it.
it's simple for others to tell you, oh don't care about it, it's not worth your time etc
but how can i explain that it's much more than just caring about someone?
i can't cut you out completely
it's strange how deep the roots can run.
maybe they'll dissipate on their own with time
but to ask me to dig them up?
impossible, i say.

one thing's for sure, you'll never win it back.
fool me once, shame on you.
fool me twice, shame on me.

i'm glad i started out with a different contact etc
being anonymous is hard in the blog sphere
but i can try.

there's space for other people too, just don't forget about me.