irrational.

public toilets, private loos, stinky petrol stations restrooms
everything you do your shit in, literally.
see, it's nature's call and everyone needs to do it at one time or another.
but it doesn't friggin mean you get to be inconsiderate.
i'm the kind of person who would make sure the toilet bowl is almost clean, as it should be.
not squeaky clean, scrubbed with 99% antiseptic or whatever
but at least no crap floating around, or pee all over the place.
be a little bit more understanding that the next person to use the toilet could be a kid, an older person, a clean freak or just someone like me who wants to do her number one or number two in a place that doesn't stink like a septic tank!
my brothers are prime examples of people who flush but don't bother to check if it's all gone down the pipe. so it leaves the next person (sometimes it's me) to walk and go, "eww..wtf.."

so anyhow
i really should start writing again on a regular basis.
just write about anything and everything that comes to mind.
but i'm afraid of what people would say if they took a look at what i wrote
if it was foolish, silly, rubbish, idiotic?
i feel inferior most of the time to put it mildly.
i have friends who are in year 2, going on to graduate with degrees in economics
law, mathematics, actuarial science, literature, medicine...
what about me?
what am i doing now?
i am twenty this year and i still feel like i have yet to accomplish anything
does it help when people say i have seen so much more than a lot of other people?
does it help to compare myself to them?
perhaps they have seen much more than i have.
know much more than i do, that i can say for certain, in different aspects.
i don't know what my goals in life are for sure.
maybe they change everyday.
and perhaps i am liable to change, to sway where the wind takes me.
sometimes i don't know where my real interest lies.
i envy those who know exactly what they want and what it takes to get them there
and if they are capable of doing such things.
nothing is impossible. yes.
but am i possible?
i feel a need to be occupied with something anything.

this feeling, a small feeling.
being minute and tiny beside giants of knowledge.
i don't trust my judgments because quite often the trust i have in people are misplaced
undeserved, even.

feeling smug about myself for knowing a little more
or so i think.
that's the first downfall.
never underestimate your opponent.
there's always someone bigger, stronger, faster and better than you are.

i need to know.