29.12.07

cold water

i feel empty now.
it could be relief
it could be sadness
but i really couldn’t hold it in any longer.

i know it’s meaningless to apologize.

maybe you might understand from my perspective, one day.
i still love you, okay?
and i’m right here.

it’s hard for the words to come out right.

here’s to a happy new year, with drunken fights and pimpin’ in town
and no, i’m not happy right now.
maybe on the 31st.
i’m looking forward to being with people that actually get me.
two days to a clean sheet.
anticipation is the key.

i miss.you.

26.12.07

if ever was a christmas i didn’t fancy, it’d be this one.

this x’mas stinks.
well, part of it la..
the only thing that was worth remembering is meeting hot people ;)
or rather, it’s the only thing i do remember =)
okay that’s not a good thing but whatever la.
it’s damn sien.
never thought i’d get bored of this holiday season.
but we’re trippin’ over our own presents. which are unopened.
+_+
2007 REALLY SUCKS. no shit.
and i don’t know how to react when it seems like my parents got another girl.
you know me.
i can’t fucking share.
i don’t WANT to.
sue me.
but i resent her.

and God forbid another x’mas party next year.
i will keel over and just wither away.
or rather, i’d be irresponsible and wash my hands of it.
isn’t that what my siblings are doing anyway?
life is so bleeding unfair sometimes.
tip the scales over here a little, will you?
why should i give two hoots about something that ISN’T going to benefit me?
i don’t even know why she’s so worked up about it.
dude, you’re losing sleep over something that’s supposed to be happy and shit.
all this crap about the smallest issues. seriously.
there are better things to discuss than such trivial matters.

but i am happy with my new find, indeed i am.
:D

happy boxing day people. i will go and find myself some lunch now.
btw, i love nigellas. *hint hint*

21.12.07

is there anything i can do?

no there isn’t
the world wide web belongs to the public
i can’t discriminate and tell people what to do

on the other hand i can choose to deny
i never saw it
it’s none of my beeswax
i don’t give a damn?

yes yes whatever i tell you
it’s a lie
would that teach you to never believe me?

being pissy has a few reasons
a prisoner in my own home
what can i say?
pms doesn’t just wreck ur stomach
it screws with ur brain as well.

i’d still say this is the best time ever since june/july
but i still can’t wait for 07 to be over
even if i’m set to have an awesome time this coming week.

things to be remembered
things to be forgotten
07 really did fly me by

i lived on my own for a while
found some true friends
ditched some fair weathered ones
travelled quite a lot
gave in to my vices
became part of history to a few people
i broke your strength and then mine.
i loved, lost, hated, liked, grieved, cried, laughed, smiled, drank, burned, gained, ached, danced, indulged like tomorrow wouldn’t come.
i might forget your name, but i won’t forget your face.

am i cruel as you say?
am i wrong in my way?
-richard walters, “what weighs me down”-

18.12.07

growling stomachs

i am not going to ipoh after all
this is so pissing off, really.
first i am going.
then i am not.
then i am.
then i am not.
i even quit work early to have a day away from KL
why GOD whyyyyyyy!

sigh
not like nothing good is happening
i think tmw’s plan shld include meeting up with PK
and just chilling
maybe i might see mal for a bit
it just came to me, at one am to call anyone who’s around that area to chill.
=)
better late than never!

funny how much i miss working.
i think i miss the company.
not the bleeding customers.
i swear, i rant about them all day long.
and i whine, whine, whineeee
i get sick of myself occasionally =D

oh and i figured out why the heck am i not growing at all.
it’s cause everytime i eat, i get hungry again an hour later.
takkan la i want to eat every hour right?
i’ll get tired from munching, gobbling and chewing! +_+
okay i know it’s ridiculous
but seriously
i can’t afford to put on any weight now!
i just bought three pairs of levi’s!
and there’s no room for anything except maybe a bit of butt =p
i’ll get to work on that ASAP! :D

this memory came back to me.
i was nervous.
it was my first coffee date with him after all.
i wasn’t ready, fussing with my hair and baby tee.
flicking my lashes with some borrowed mascara.
*beep*
my phone rings, he just arrived.
i hurriedly lock the door and try my best to look presentable.
he’s right there with an umbrella to shade me from the night-time rain
i think it’s got to be the sweetest thing
never had that before.
with a late dinner and coffee lined up, smooth sailing as the sea.

to be honest, i still feel like i wasn’t prepared to be back on the field then.
and from what i’ve heard, i’m glad for that one time
even if i had every ounce of his attention on me that night
it’s best that we are now just what we are.

no regrets.

16.12.07

ipoh mali

here i come! =)
thanks to *juinnik*
seriously if he didn’t call me
i’d be just chilling in KL this whole week being sien while peanuts have a reunion without me!
blehh
i’m going to be there!
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

chilling out with the parentals aren’t too bad after all ;)
i do love them, really.

on another note, don’t ask me why
but have you ever seen a sad baby?
i think all babies are generally happy and hyper and smiley
the list goes on
but what about emo babies?
do you think there could be any sad kids?
i feel so kesian when i think about that y’know
call me random, sien, or just too damn free la
but emo babies are such a sad thought!

goodness
i think i need some j.d please.

13.12.07

when my mind goes *poof*

there is absolutely no friggin way this is happening to me
seriously
does anybody have any idea how bleeding small this world can be?
i, for one, DON’T!
macam sial
call me idiotic
blabber
whatever
i don’t care
how the dings was i supposed to know she knew him as well?!
what am i supposed to do now?
pray tell…..

yes yes it’s my own darn fault for falling
but…
well there really is no justification for my actions
so i’m gonna close topic
and move on

laundry was fun tonight
met people
people
and then some that i’d rather not say
oh what the heck
damn kau jinjang lor
seriously, u have absolutely got to be shitting me
i never thought places and people as such even EXISTED
call me OTT
but honest to goodness
i am completely baffled by it all
overwhelmed, shall we say?

in fact there’s just way to much on my mind right now
i can’t even separate the incidents properly
indigestion, you read me?

Please la God
why now?
why him?
why this?

answers please!

p/s: i’m starving

p.p.s: j-man don’t buy the damn hedgehog! +_+

11.12.07

you got me trippin, stumbling, flippin, fumbling

i feel that clumsy sometimes around you
i don’t know if that’s how i still am
can’t tell
in fact i don’t even know if i’m in love with you

but i can definitely say that i’m missing you like crazy
and i do sayang you

don’t ask me why am i coming up with this all of a sudden
i don’t know either
=/

across the universe is a MUST-WATCH i say
omg, jim sturgess is such hot stuff i need a towel to dry off
absolutely loved it!
besides that, i want to go to Pavilion again
love the x’mas deco!

hmm, what else am i happy about eh?
tak ingat la now

i love my lovelies! =)
*mwah!

10.12.07

i am absolutely brimming with happiness
i swear, you can see me glowing!
like literally!
hahaha

i saw carmen and respective other half today, ming hao
its kinda weird
it’s such a small small world
his mom is good friends with my mom
and here he is, dating my other mummy
not that i’m not happy for them ;)
i swear we have not changed one bit from cbn days
and meeting rubini and devini last week
“OMG” all together now
that’s like the first thing we’d say
thinking back i used to split up those 20 minute breaks
5minutes for the malays, 5minutes for the chinese, 5 minutes for the indians and the remaining 5 minutes just to mingle with prefects and my own friends
don’t get me wrong
i’m not being racist
but that’s how i remember it to be
and it was just so free and easy
siiiiiiiiiiiigh

and i’ve had a string of compliments
yes it does sounds damn bleeding perasan
i get all the”omg shit u damn skinny” and etc all the time
man, a girl’s gotta get some good shit sometime right? =)
“the only way i can’t recognize you is if you got even more gorgeous since the last time i saw you”
omg, *melts*
i know it’s damn over la
but stilll
it’s coming from he who liked me back when i was so into uber baggy jeans and huge ass shoes
*shudders* shit man i hate reminiscing alone
but yeah…
and i met rajeev of d’arranged marriage
man, he came in Levi’s wanting to buy jeans
and ends up talking to me abt his show
hahhahaha
“btw, are u interested in acting?”
OMG i was speechless
not like i got a part in his one-man show anyways
who wants to join me for this comedy? =)
cheapest tickets are going for 53RM

other than that
i have a friend who’s getting engaged
omg, she’s only 20 +_+
but yes i am very happy for her
to the point i think i almost teared
=)

i’m definitely looking forward to a peanutty reunion
and x’mas is on it’s way
and i’m done with my job (well, almost)
and i love you.
you should know that.

btw, across the universe was just so awesomeomgineedtowatchjimsturgessagain

will update soon
*mwahhhhhhh!
<3

4.12.07

guinness is good (=

i’ve been looking forward to some kawan time
and i had part of that today
joe, j-man, mal, even aizad was there
and definitely good seeing sandy
plus the stout of course hahahhaa

it’s been tanni-night(s) for me
and i do miss the alcohol ;)

yes yes i know it’s damn weird coming from me
but at least i laid off the booze for quite some time!

anyways, this week is when the people decide to finally come back
and thanks so much juenee!
it was lovely seeing you and jiun =)
we MUST MUST hang out real soon okay?

will try to blog more
it’s tough when u don’t have the damn time!

xoxo!

27.11.07

crickets

damn noisy lor.
and i think i need the loo.
to poop.
hahhaa
.
don’t mind me, i just need to express my feeeeeelings =)
hope this weekend will be a good one.

and darlings, i can drive now ;)

will love you later!

4 in the morning

yes that was the time that my body decide to wake up
given that i slept at 9 the night before, it was natural to be up and about after enough rest, no?
he says it’s cause i’m bleeding nervous about the driving exam

maybe i was =/
so to calm my jitters, i decide to go shopping online and talk to some lovely people =)

let’s just fast-forward to the juicy part shall we?
i am way too lazy to elaborate on how the examiner was being such a spoilsport and how most of us stifled laughs when we saw how a number of people fail the slope test and try in vain to make a quick getaway only to result in revving the engines so hard that we were all shit scared it would blow up in our faces +_+

but yes, there’s the juicy part where i end my exam and bounce joyfully into the waiting area for my driving instructor to come along and lo and behold, i set my eyes on this month’s hottest guy, like omgholyshietwtfamidoing! i swear, i never thought i’d see someone even close to your Average Joe on the perimeters of the driving grounds, but boy he sure did some good to my sore eyes ;)

i try to be as cool and calm as i can be, but he was like 2 metres away from me! i’ll be damned if i don’t steal another glance at him! i was like, God don’t do this to me laaaa pleasee!!
seriously, it was a super temptation!

you know, like you, i wish that day had ended with me hooking up with him
but no, he left a minute after all the drama had ended in my head
so yes i went home and slept/read my day away.

still, he gives me hope.
such fine human specimen survives the world’s tragedies.

didn’t i tell you i’ll love you later? ;)

25.11.07

solitude, you're by your lonesome

i might not be the first to admit this
but i’m afraid of being alone
i used to be the one that can’t even go to the loo without someone
not because i was afraid of toilet monsters, mind you
i was just used to the company of someone.
and in this way, i am spoiled.

this is about where i’m supposed to say i”ve changed anew
and to a certain extent, i can say “aye! i am new!”
having to do things on my own now
isn’t half as difficult as i thought it would have to be
taking the train alone, squashed in with strangers who are also alone
(or so they think, for i am one of you, am i not?)
eating your over-priced lunch at some obscure corner, with people not even throwing you a glance
it’s all one can do to pretend not to care
but you do
the thought of having spent my past few months in a manner that does not befit my personality
it is almost as if i am buried within, and on my surface, an introvert has taken over.
talk about split personalities
i resurface sometimes
with certain people around
familarity does the job.
but mostly i stay hidden, not one of the shining stars you see.
and i keep breathing.
so i am still alive.

24.11.07

new place

yes i think i made like a ton of new blogs
none of which i actually stuck with
i wanted to just have a private space to speak, ramble, rant and just maybe disappear into
doesn’t work with me, i see

i doubt there should be an intro to mellyboo
in fact, i think en li gave me this nick
for kicks
but yeah, i think this is the one thing that just might stick with me =)

on another note, it’s the end of the year
and really i think there’s just so much to look forward to!
=) =)
there’s the people who are coming back
there’s the job that i’ll wave adieu to
there’s Christmas celebrations that i’m up for
there’s a New Year, and i’m taking that to a whole new level =)
there’s a new college
there’s new people to meet, new things to learn

can’t you tell that i just can’t wait for that whole new life to kickstart?

not blogging has left quite a lot of time on my hands
which i don’t exactly use to do anything particularly useful =/
oh and btw, i noticed not many people use wordpress?
is blogger that MUCH better?
i’ll find out and let you know!
=)

listening to : holly brook - heavy

1.11.07

peeks

new blog
new life?
i don’t know if this would last
perhaps i’ve moved on to greener pastures
along with new people
and new interests

moxiemelle
mixandmatch
it’s just an experiment
if i can have the nerve to do what i have set out to do.

i’d like to keep this going for as long as possible
just to be free with my thoughts and opinions
really, it’s a lot tougher to be honest beings now.
=/

2 months to the end of 2007
i’m glad for the coming of the end.

and my heart comes a-tumbling down

i wonder how’d it sound like if your heart broke as if it were made of glass

i haven’t had the guts to listen to “light years away” by mozella
mainly because 8 months ago i’d crumble the moment the first chords strike my ears
i tried giving it a shot now and then
but i’d be clamming up on the inside, like a little girl afraid to open her eyes in the dark because of the monsters who live under her bed.

you probably don’t even understand what i’m even talking about.
i absolutely adore this song, don’t get me wrong.
in fact my ex-boyfriend had introduced it to me
and i fell head over heels for him and the song instantly.
boy, little did i know how much it would cost me
one song, one singer.

i recall asking a friend recently
“how is it possible that she can write such heart-wrenching lyrics?”
this is in reference to mozella and all other break up songwriters.
to imagine what it would be like to be in their shoes
what else could they use as inspiration for their melancholic songs
but experience in a field called “love”

i’m no expert
in fact, one true experience has left me, shall we say, jaded?
yes i’m in no place to be jaded with the best feeling in the world
but won’t you agree if i said it’s also one of the worst things to feel, especially if you can’t do anything about it?

i’m naturally an emo person, so don’t mind me.
to be frank, i’m quite touchy still about the past
and although talking about it helps to air pent-up feelings
i am inclined to just stick to blogging about it

i think it hurts much more when it’s spoken

6.7.07

hello!

i hope this stays low =)
to be honest, i kinda got sick of the other blog.
i promise this will still remain emo, only probably a lot less details =)
i don't know if i'll still get the same readers, but i do hope you'll be less of a judge and more of a friend.

everyone carries a secret heavy enough. if we knew them all, we'd die of heartbreaks.

(xoxo)