game over.

i think it's fairly common that we talk to ourselves.
i just did as i was in the shower, i still am doing it as i am typing this.
a lot of people don't admit that they talk to themselves cause then they'll be labeled crazy.
well that's fine by me, because i think it's perfectly fine to voice out to oneself what he/she thinks at that moment. it could be an idea or rehearsing a part of a conversation you want to be a part of, even just random thoughts like how you would like very much to strangle that lady who gave you the evil eye for wearing that red lacy tube.
oh where am i heading with this?

the point here is, that i was talking to myself in the bathroom 5 minutes ago because i don't want to be a part of the cina-beng community. i saw that happening with my cousin. she studied journalism, a branch of communications, at a private university where it is famous for the multitudes of ah-bengs who go there. now, i've always had relatives telling me that since i'm also interested in this field, not journalism in particular if you must know, i should also attend that university because
#1, she attended that university, therefore it MUST be good.
#2, she has 'graduated' from that university, hence it's a worthwhile experience.
#3, she obtained a government loan for her entire course, so it is easier on everyone's pockets.

well, to all this i say, bullshit.
i don't want to be stuck in some ah-beng land wondering what the fishballs i'm doing in here.
why should i follow your footsteps? just because you're older, supposedly wiser? gosh it's such a joke really. i don't know why exactly i'm on a rant for this, since the topic has closed ages ago among my family members. but this train of thought has led me to the station where it is concluded that all the chinese people that i know, especially my family, are just being mengada. no, seriously. every little detail of everyone's lives are spread out on the dining table, from who did what at the office, to whose fault is it that the washing machine broke down yet again.

i have no right to bash other races when i don't understand their culture, the way things work in their circle etc but when it comes to me, the 1/2 of me that understands how the chinese work, yes i have every right to take to the bat and swing as hard as i can in the faces of one billion chinese people out there.

it's annoying. i don't want to end up studying, working with, living with chinese people who are so closed minded all my life. i saw that happening to my cousin and she's not out there at all. i mean for what it's worth, i've seen and experienced more in my 20 years than she ever will. it's no thanks to the upbringing, where everything that was labeled 'accordingly' and she probably never broke a law. she's picture perfect in everyone's eyes and can do no wrong.

oh puh-lease. spare me the cheese and just bring it on.
a classic example of how much they trust her decisions and opinions is when her parents went away for a short getaway and left her at home. now my grandmother definitely favours her, other than my eldest brother. i don't know what is so special about them, but they are her favourites alright. she used to get twice as much as we do for chinese new year, and sometimes even triple. of course back then, i used to whine like fuck cause she'd get over one k, and i wouldn't even reach a hundred bucks. but i digress, she's home alone and my grandmother wants to check up on her, "oh have you had dinner yet?" bla bla bla... and the thing is, she was also invited to sleep at our place while her parents were away. and that's cool.

BUT SHE SAID NO. *jeng jeng jengggggggg*!
her reason was that she wants to stay at home and study and besides she has got friends coming to sleepover, so no worries darling grandma, she'll be fine.

oh how nice...

so my grandma concedes defeat and tells her, okay darling, take care and be good.
a couple of nights later, the old lady calls up the house and wants to know if she's eaten yet etc.
to HER surprise, not mine definitely, no one answers.
well duh, you didn't actually think she'd be sitting at home, WAITING for your phone call?

geez man, does it take a genius to figure out that by now? fuck you guys are slow.
she ain't no saint. you guys just put her up on a pedestal to make her look gorgeous when all she really is, is human like the rest of us.
and i totally laughed in my grandma's face. i swear.
i was discreet about it, i was politically correct.
but i won an enormous victory that night and i'll never let anyone forget about it.

you see, i don't have a personal vendetta against my cousin.
she's alright y'know.
but my chinese family has had it in their mind to create some sort of rivalry, so that we can compete and see who emerges the winner.
in all our 'contests' so far, i've always lost because i never did give a shit about winning anybody's affections by brown-nosing and licking boots.
it started when we were damn young and it has continued til now.
gimme a break la ok
even if you're not sick of it, i am!
and no one was being fair.
i'm two years younger, damnit!
obviously i lose out on time.
if i may say so, i make up for it with charm and wit and streetwise skills she doesn't have.

still, even with all my bonus features, they aren't happy with the end result.
and after my grandma gave up calling my cousin that night, i could see that she was contemplating about how could her beloved favourite grand-daughter could be someone she never thought she'd be, like me.

sorry to burst your bubble. but damn right i did.

i dislike favoritism, even if it does have it's pros and cons.
it makes us detest one another, breaks sibling relationships and just make things sour.
so fuck it i say.
all this while, you pretend in front of everyone that it's fine and dandy
but inside, you're just burning to tell it all out, that so-and-so's a fat liar, and just have things out in the light instead of always being seen as the underachiever and ridiculed for what we really are.

i never said i would hide, but i don't have a choice.
if i ever told anyone in my family how i really am, what i really do,
chances are they'll just push me further down and ignorance is always blissful in the chinese community.


sungguh mencibaikan.