it's just the way it goes.

it's supposed to be chinese new year right about... now?
strangely enough it doesn't feel like it used to
reunion dinners where everyone is noisy and bossy
the pitter patter of feet, sticky feet on sticky floors
it's just not the same
but i don't know what changed, i can't put my finger on it
when did it all happen?
somewhere between me leaving high school and being in uni i suppose?
washing dishes after every major family dinner has always been a standing order
but this year, it took awhile for us to back in the groove of just horsing around and talking jack about everything under the sun.
i admit, i was merely pretending to be interested in the conversation.
yes, i'm getting really good at that too.
but it was all done with good intentions.

i don't know you anymore.
i don't think i want to try.
that unshakable belief, it's so strong but at least i can withstand it and still be on my way because i know for a fact, an unmistakable fact that i am, at least, alive today. no longer blinded by what you call "faith".

oh yes, it's depressing. this is supposed to be a joyous time of the year, ushering prosperity and fortune. but it's also the first year where i am completely thrown off by my own actions and words. perhaps it's the flu, but then that's just denial on my part. i can see that everyone else has just about remained in the box, maybe shifted a few chairs and tweaked some buttons here and there.
but i'm outside, looking in.
i don't want to go in. it took me years to get out, and to allow myself to fall into the very same thing that ensnares them all? i don't think so.

i'm not an evil person. but there's only so much one can say to make the rest understand.
i realize i'm not a charismatic person, and really, infiltrating minds is just a job that you automatically do. it doesn't do anything to make you feel better, if anything, it just makes you feel worse.

do you understand what i'm saying?
this rift is too big to repair.
the damage is done.