here goes..

written during mass comm 101 class when i was on the ipod, not listening to the stupid lecturer teaching from her slides which can be easily obtained from the internet. she really thinks we are stupid. i am fucking emo and tired. don't mind the ramblings please.

this is shit that i really don't need. i mean, what am i supposed to do now? wait? walk away? pretend it never happened? pretend i don't understand? pretend? just pretend? yeah, sure. that would be a piece of cake. cause it was all a figment of my imagination. defense. offense. i play both and right now, my ignorance of what was said is my defense mechanism. and what i am doing to myself is offense. this is entirely unnecessary. if anything, perhaps i should have never done anything, shouldn't have responded to 4 hour conversations, shouldn't have entertained anything. what is the fucking point? really. i am hurt and there isn't a first aid kit in sight that would help me. what started out as an intention for a little fling has grown into a problem that i don't know how to handle. i have never asked for anything, not for time, money, affection, least of all a relationship. But thinking about it, i have fallen, with a landing not so expected. if i could, i would end it. i am sorry as well that this is the position that you are in. i only understand it all too well, to want something good but how certain things make you unable to let go of your past, whatever that may be. i see you talking to her and my insecurities surface. does it really have to be this way? i took the plunge, a direct lead-on. it's like a dirty word "leading on". i'll get over this but right now, even if my motto is "hate the player, not the game", i am struggling to keep my shit together. how did i let you get to me this way? i am easily affected. that's just how i work, it's how i function.

i'm talking about one person, one guy that i don't even know what i like about him. is it fair to be angry at him? can i hate him? i am capable, but do i want to be the bitch who hates the guy cause she didn't get him? i like where we are now, even if it's not anything massive. he can't decide between his ex-girlfriend who has moved on, and i. fyi, his ex is already in another relationship. and what he says is that it wouldn't be fair to me if we tried this out and she's on his mind. i get it. but i don't know if i'll stick around long enough to wait and find out who he picks in the end.
i have a feeling i would lose this one. in any case, the dude's confused.

i am emotionally drained, and to be frank, i can't deal with this right now. i have my own issues that i need to handle. it's time to be selfish.

no doubt, this does hurt. enough to be etched.