for a moment...or two.

i guess it's just this bit of me left that hasn't forgotten.
it's right in my face the whole time
and it didn't register

surprise struck, but i'm over that.
no wishes or hopes, or happy returns
none of that sort, at least not from me.

i don't get such rights/
not anymore, i don't.

and i fucking miss you, maybe it's just pms
but it's not a good enough reason to be upset and cry
over the fact that i haven't heard from you in a day, or i haven't seen you in five days
or if you just felt like pulling my leg
but what i really wanted to hear was how much you wish i was there
and how much you miss having me around
even if i've heard that before
and because that's exactly how i feel.
i'm disjointed and broken without you here.
and it's seriously great that you're having a good time there
or whatever time it may be.
but it doesn't change the fact that i still miss hearing your voice, even if it was for a little while
and i hung up.
i ended the call because i wasn't in a funny mood, because the last thing i wanted to do was to fake laughter when i'm not feeling it
it's weird that i'm crying without sound, because it's looks like i'm emotion-less.
tears just rolling and i'm typing away, clattering keyboard.

i miss you more than i'll ever let you know.


less than half an hour ago
i also had a fright, hearing a loud thud
dude, i'm wearing headphones with oasis blaring away
and this thud apparently was from outside the house
i went downstairs to check out what's going on, i.e. cat, dog, bag that fell over, whatever.
i hear two guys talking, on a motorcycle, right outside my front gate.
WHAT THE FUCK.
it's two am in the bleeding morning.
and the first guy is writing something down.
IN THE DARK.
what is this DODGY shit going on.

i run back upstairs, look down from my parents room through the windows and they ARE still there.
and they are speaking in tamil, *indian guys* i'm not colour blind.
the first guy pointed directly to my house, said something to guy #2
and scribbled something else.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

i wake my dad up, they leave before i could catch a glimpse of the number plate.
i doubt they know anyone was watching them.
my dad says not to worry, but i know i won't be sleeping nights anymore.

i hate being inwardly pissed.
having to suppress the surge of anger.
i just feel like exploding at one go.
no holding back, who cares what the world thinks of me after?
not I, surely.

then the rational side speaks.
don't let your emotions take you over.
don't say things you'd beg to take back.

your words fall like autumn leaves would

these shadows around you
they move, spin and leave
you can almost taste them
empty voids are all that they leave behind
but i, i remain eternal
and you, you will remember

faceless, that's all they will be
find color in me.

his words.

you're the light that i burn

you are ecstasy, when i am with you, my heart beats faster, the music sounds better,
everything seems brighter, every touch more tender, you're a rush of blood to the head (both heads ;p)
watch out, the narcotics police might just arrest you one of these days..
lol, my drunken poetic form.

nothing compares to you (:
sans you in life equates life sans meaning sans purpose.

with every kiss and every hug,
you make me fall in love.

you make me feel like i am whole again.

the bed creaks.

'amazing grace'
i would have named it something else
it's too corny la.

part of the movie reflects my own relationships and my own thoughts.
funny as that may seem, and more than once i find myself tearing up.
slave trade and the pains taken to abolish it.

i realize that at times, i'm so good at hiding what i really feel.
for example, in two days, i bumped into two people that in past have annoyed the shit out of me,
talked about me, hit on me and eventually became people i don't even want to be associated with.

but still, i accept what they say. with a pinch of salt of course.
to be honest, i can't even stand to be in the same space.

i've been through better days, seen better people, had better conversations.
i wouldn't be so hurt if i didn't care.

tuesday night was empty, bar club.
the 21st for the cheapo was good, one tequila had me prancing around all night.
and eventually, making love was inevitable.

on that cold rainy night, i wasn't even sober but it was the only way
or i would have died from the pain.
i'm a complete loser when it comes to sex and it's dynamics.

i've met the father and grandfather
drinking sessions!
whiskey, tequila, beer
the works, i tell you, the works.
and i'm pleased to say that they like me (:
but the boy will be away for a month, which will give me time to concentrate on my classes and a ten to twelve page research paper, AND finals!

i'm having a good time with some people now anyways
there'll be more fun nights to come (:

on another note, i'm going to bring you crashing down.

it's been a long week, i'm going to tuck in and drift.

i'm listening.

Emptiness - Jalaluddin Rumi

Consider the difference
in our actions and God's actions.

We often ask, "Why did you do that?"
or "Why did I act like that?"

We do act, and yet everything we do
is God's creative action.

We look back and analyse the events
of our lives, but there is another way
of seeing, a backward-and-forward-at-once
vision, that is not rationally understandable.

Only God can understand it.
Satan made the excuse, "You caused me to fall,
whereas Adam said to God, "We did this
to ourselves." After this repentance,
God asked Adam, "Since all is within
my foreknowledge, why didn't you
defend yourself with that reason?"

Adam answered, "I was afraid,
and I wanted to be reverent."

Whoever acts with respect will get respect.
Whoever brings sweetness will be served almond cake.
Good women are drawn to be with good men.

Honour your friend.
Or treat him rudely,
and see what happens!

Love, tell an incident now
that will clarify this mystery
of how we act feely, and are yet
compelled. One hand shakes with palsy.
Another shakes because because you slapped it away.

Both tremblings come from God,
but you feel guilty for the one,
and what about the other?

These are intellectual questions.
The spirit approaches the matter
differently. Omar once had a friend, a scientist,
Bu'l-Hakam, who was flawless at solving
empirical problems, but he could not follow Omar
into the area of illumination and wonder.

Now I return to the text, "And He is with you,
wherever you are," but when have I ever left it!

Ignorance is God's prison
Knowing is God's palace.

We sleep in God's unconsciousness.
We wake in God's open hand.

We weep God's rain.
We laugh God's lightning.

Fighting and peacefulness
both take place within God.

Who are we then
in this complicated world-tangle,
that is really just the single, straight
line down at the beginning of ALLAH?

Nothing.
We are
emptiness.

                ----

When you are with everyone but me,
                         you're with no one.
When you are with no one but me,
                         you're with everyone.

Instead of being so bound up with everyone,
                         be everyone.
When you become that many, you're nothing.
                         Empty.

  -- Jalaluddin Rumi

we speak of second chances for everyone
perhaps some people don't get them

and there are those who don't appreciate them
but at what price do we pay for such chances?
do we really heed such advice that tells us not to take things or rather, people, for granted?

i'd stand by you forever
but all i can see is that you're pushing me away
edging further
and i don't get deep
your shallow waters leave me high and dry

why do the people we love the most hurt us the most?

it works.

the boyfriend seriously makes me feel smarter.
not because he's stupid, but because of our conversations.
sometimes i feel like i'm rambling on about complete rubbish but he gets what i'm saying.
nothing can ever be the same again. wtf it's an overused line, sue me.

so i don't like taking taxis alone. heck i just don't like using public transport alone.
it's creepy, having some guy standing in a corner of the monorail/lrt/bus, giving me the creeps, the evil eye, whatever sleazy grin and i just get the chills.
but i took a cab to the boyfriend's place today, it's about a 10 to 15 minutes drive

as soon as i sat in the passenger seat of the cab, the taxi driver looks over and sees that i'm holding a McDonald's cup, "ada satu je ke?" i laugh nervously, "sorry ya bang, next time i belikan satu lagi..." and the conversation flowed, i don't like driving, petrol prices, the government and their subsidies, petrol prices in other countries, cab prices in other countries, why don't i live in other countries wtf, and he's only been a cab driver for 2 and a half months with 5 kids to feed, been jobless for 4 years, omg i might just kill myself if i couldn't feed myself. but he's a nice guy who doesn't know the area quite well, so a detour + a good conversation + a little faith in mankind = 7 bucks. it's worth it knowing that some cabbies aren't fucking cutthroat sharks who rip you off and they actually know what they are talking about. looks a bit scary, but then again, give people a chance.

we talk about things others may not even understand
and a mutual friend gave him advice
"she's a smart girl, intelligent, but watch out. she could make you or break you."
i'm grateful for his honesty, and perhaps i don't see it that way
i know my capabilities.
it is possible.
but at this point, i care about him too much to think of how to break him.

it's also hilarious that this is the one relationship that i truly am grateful and even the things that come our way, i.e. my subconscious flirting with our friends
i swear, it's seriously something i can't control
but his understanding of it is something i can't appreciate more received
'hahahha, you can see but you can't touch. she's mine!" +_+
mahai, za dou okay.

it's just like that.