wanderlust

So I've been having hideous dreams for the past week. I don't remember all of them. There was one where my father died and I was inconsolable. Naturally. And I woke up and my day was ruined anyway. I didn't know how to save the rest of my waking hours. Like a zombie, minus the tattered clothes and oozing goo, I was just a massive blur. No, I haven't been alright. I don't want to talk about why I'm not alright. I just resent this moment, because it's irritating and gloomy. i feel like a sack of melted trash. But even melted trash has some sort of form, some scent to identify that it's trash. I lack even that. That's a new low I discovered of late, in me. In any case, I wanted to jot down this dream before I forget entirely about it. Apparently, you forget 90% of your dream within the first 10 minutes of waking up. So, folks. I could just be making it up as I go along. For some reason, I was in a junky Nissan/Honda. And I had stopped by my house (which isn't my house in real life) to pick up the kitty. I co-owned a cat that loitered in my back alley for a couple of months. She belonged to someone else but I took her as partially mine anyway. I picked her up, she's nameless by the way. And I drove to the airport. I'm not sure if airports allow pets in the vicinity but no screws given. So, I hug her and cradle her between my shoulder and elbow and walk through what looks like KLIA. She starts digging into my shoulder and she starts to look more like Hank. And then I become sad because it's not him. So there really isn't a replacement for what is lost. I walk further and come across a group of pilgrims who look like they are on the way to Mecca. They wanted to pray and had laid out their prayer mats. As I was standing there watching them get on their knees, it occurred to me, I am in the way of the kiblat. I stride off but feeling slightly confused because there should be suraus in the airport, right? Here is the conflict of which I am not certain. What does it mean to give up something dear in exchange for something else? Except that there's no guarantee of any affection. Would you love me less if I did otherwise? I can feel my resentment building and it is heavy. One day, you will lose something very dear and you'll be able to relate what it felt like to be here. Frankly, 2012 seems like a huge up and a huge down, simultaneously. I haven't felt any middle ground in awhile now and I can't remember what that is like.