Apakah lagi persoalan tentang perasaan yang tidak terhingga?
Saya pasti jikalau, ditanyakan kepada para pembaca, pelbagai jawapan akan ditemui.
Tidak sah lagi, jika prasangka selalu wujud di celah-celah pertalian yang dianggap suci.
i'm just trying to revive a language I no longer practice in my daily life.
I hosted a friend of mine who recently visited from the Netherlands for a weekend.
More than happy to just take her around for food trips and a decent night out, I asked if she would mind visiting 'Glutton's street' in Pudu.
I visit the street myself quite frequently and never had to rely on signage or menus to order my favourite bowl of noodles. But I was stumped when I couldn't explain to my friend what was a certain stall selling, or what drinks were available other than the usual sodas.
I think it was between such moments, that I'm actually thoroughly handicapped.
My friend asked, out of curiosity, why is is that I can converse in Cantonese and a fair bit of Mandarin but not be able to read and write?
Maybe it's a little of a curse for many Malaysians. I know of many peers who are just like myself. But it's not the best possible way to get about when we might visit a place like Taiwan or China, countries that have many bilingual citizens but with many more directions and signs in Chinese.
Maybe my friend had a different perspective (I never did ask her further as to why she brought it up in the first place, I was thoroughly shy of my shortcomings), that her idea of someone who could speak should definitely be able to write and read that particular language. I spotted a slight confusion in her expression, but more than that, I saw disappointment in my flaw.
I couldn't even explain to her properly that i grew up in a household that spoke English, Malay, and Chinese, all properly thrown in sometimes for a good 'rojak'.
I definitely need to get it on an urgent 'to-do' list for Mandarin classes.
there's no words to express my regret for dropping out of my tuition classes when I was in primary school. I remember cooking up all sorts of ridiculous excuses so that I could have a blissful, Chinese-free afternoon. Stomach-ache, fever, flu etc. You name it, I said it.
So my father relented and said okay, you can have it your way but you'll regret it.
Fathers are almost always right (:
Anyway, it's never too late (i hope!) for my regret to be transformed into a slick tongue rattling off maxims like I've always had them in me.
13.10.11
2.10.11
yolked.
i've wandered a little farther this time and forgot about this space of mine.
Singapore was refreshing and squeaky clean. The last time around when I paid a visit to that city, was 3 years ago and spent all of 30 hours. I was there for Maroon 5, a lot of drinks and more hours clocked in for the bus rides than to sightsee.
Now it's a burgeoning concrete jungle. Construction ongoing in many areas, residential and commercial alike. I think i was more irked because of the many laws, you know me best if you know what i'm talking about.
(on a sidenote, i still censor myself here, which is irritating)
Leonard has the patience of a meditating monk (i'm thankful he's grown his hair out)
and listens to my ramblings, something i tend to do when i'm in a new place, awkward 'tourist' sticking out.
one occurrence that happened a few days ago really gave me a reality check, whether I asked for it or not, if it was necessary or otherwise is besides the point here.
I think for as long as I've lived, which isn't such a long time anyway, I've tried to be self-reliant as much as possible. emotional support from my family is quite important and it helps with my dipping confidence.
*vent begins* so when i want to do something, i usually share it with my friends and try to gain some feedback. if it's positive and encouraging, i am grateful. if it's negative, i will question why and rethink my venture.
as much as possible, if i have nothing nice to say, i wouldn't say it. there's no point raining on someone's parade, unless it's constructive criticism. and this is when it is asked for. i would give my opinion, nothing more.
you outdid yourself on an account that wasn't your responsibility. i would appreciate your silence. when it was necessary for you to speak, you chose to keep your lips sealed. i don't want anything to do with someone who doesn't believe in me, i don't want you in my life, sticking your nose where it clearly doesn't belong. how dare you call me 'unambitious'? you do not have the slightest clue what i do with my life. and if that's the case, you are not entitled to your opinion.
i cannot begin to state how angry and silent your callous statement made me.
i spoke about it to my partner and he placed it in a different perspective for me.
that, if someone should feel that i am not ambitious, a family member who is so free with words, surely unknowing of the consequences of the words, then take it as a motivation to be more.
motivation doesn't have to come from something that you like.
so yes, i was absolutely livid, and crushed that my flesh and blood would say that to my face. with no support of evidence or reason. all because i was relating that a friend of mine lives in a very expensive residence, and that i could not bring myself to imagine having a 7 figure balance in my bank book right now.
my youth stretches a distance with my dreams and desires. it doesn't mean if i can't imagine it now, that i would not be able to achieve it.
so thank you, for bringing me down so that i can rise up and in the process, beat you at everything.
you've said that i'm 'lost' for my supposing lack in religion. it's been said one too many times that religion is personal. my relationship, if you would care to ask before shooting your mouth off, with god(s) is private. it's mine. if you're interested, i would explain. just for the simple fact that you are now devout and pious, doesn't give you the right to act as if it's your duty to tell people that they are 'lost'.
i think this is where i say to you, i am disappointed beyond belief.
i don't expect you to be anything to me, nothing to me. as far as i'm concerned now, you and i have all of two things in common, the same last name and the same parents.
\
anyway, i'm just about done with this half-baked draft. i returned more than a week later, my other brother got married today (11/10/11) and my partner had his university convocation.
it's bittersweet. for two men, whom i care about most dearly, have had a chapter opened and a chapter closed. i'm extremely happy and sad. sad because there's an inexplicable sense of separation and distance. marriage doesn't necessarily mean there would be a closer knit in a family, in this instance, I welcome an older 'sister' with all my heart, but I also can't help but to feel that the life as I have known it has been rocked. a slight destabilizing decision, the 'I do' uttered and then we are overwhelmed with physical affection for each other in that happy moment, when we want that fairytale to happen.
perhaps also in this lopsided emotional state, i have mentioned to my parents, who have supported my actions and choices thus far in life, to retract the evil plastic card. to impose upon yours truly, a strict financial no-frills number.
it means, to be truly tight in the pockets of my faded jeans and monochrome tank tops. it's a challenge, i must admit. because i realize i have been just absolutely spoiled. how did this come about? from a distant figure that silhouetted the devil-may-care attitude about the finer things in life, i must have morphed into a grotesque version of wanting it all. i don't know where that came from.
i also don't like it.
here's to counting the pennies, and making way to find a richer substitute than the pleasures that money cannot buy.
i am likely to continue somewhere in this vein because it's all been rather messy.
rather for the opinion of a random passerby, i'd like to look back and remember here, that i once felt such and such an emotion, however fleeting, however deep, with regards to whom it may (or may not) concern, for whatever reason that cannot be described. i think words, they say too much of what we don't intend for them to say. also, i forget, too easily.
i hope i remember enough about Singapore the next time i'm here.
Singapore was refreshing and squeaky clean. The last time around when I paid a visit to that city, was 3 years ago and spent all of 30 hours. I was there for Maroon 5, a lot of drinks and more hours clocked in for the bus rides than to sightsee.
Now it's a burgeoning concrete jungle. Construction ongoing in many areas, residential and commercial alike. I think i was more irked because of the many laws, you know me best if you know what i'm talking about.
(on a sidenote, i still censor myself here, which is irritating)
Leonard has the patience of a meditating monk (i'm thankful he's grown his hair out)
and listens to my ramblings, something i tend to do when i'm in a new place, awkward 'tourist' sticking out.
one occurrence that happened a few days ago really gave me a reality check, whether I asked for it or not, if it was necessary or otherwise is besides the point here.
I think for as long as I've lived, which isn't such a long time anyway, I've tried to be self-reliant as much as possible. emotional support from my family is quite important and it helps with my dipping confidence.
*vent begins* so when i want to do something, i usually share it with my friends and try to gain some feedback. if it's positive and encouraging, i am grateful. if it's negative, i will question why and rethink my venture.
as much as possible, if i have nothing nice to say, i wouldn't say it. there's no point raining on someone's parade, unless it's constructive criticism. and this is when it is asked for. i would give my opinion, nothing more.
you outdid yourself on an account that wasn't your responsibility. i would appreciate your silence. when it was necessary for you to speak, you chose to keep your lips sealed. i don't want anything to do with someone who doesn't believe in me, i don't want you in my life, sticking your nose where it clearly doesn't belong. how dare you call me 'unambitious'? you do not have the slightest clue what i do with my life. and if that's the case, you are not entitled to your opinion.
i cannot begin to state how angry and silent your callous statement made me.
i spoke about it to my partner and he placed it in a different perspective for me.
that, if someone should feel that i am not ambitious, a family member who is so free with words, surely unknowing of the consequences of the words, then take it as a motivation to be more.
motivation doesn't have to come from something that you like.
so yes, i was absolutely livid, and crushed that my flesh and blood would say that to my face. with no support of evidence or reason. all because i was relating that a friend of mine lives in a very expensive residence, and that i could not bring myself to imagine having a 7 figure balance in my bank book right now.
my youth stretches a distance with my dreams and desires. it doesn't mean if i can't imagine it now, that i would not be able to achieve it.
so thank you, for bringing me down so that i can rise up and in the process, beat you at everything.
you've said that i'm 'lost' for my supposing lack in religion. it's been said one too many times that religion is personal. my relationship, if you would care to ask before shooting your mouth off, with god(s) is private. it's mine. if you're interested, i would explain. just for the simple fact that you are now devout and pious, doesn't give you the right to act as if it's your duty to tell people that they are 'lost'.
i think this is where i say to you, i am disappointed beyond belief.
i don't expect you to be anything to me, nothing to me. as far as i'm concerned now, you and i have all of two things in common, the same last name and the same parents.
\
anyway, i'm just about done with this half-baked draft. i returned more than a week later, my other brother got married today (11/10/11) and my partner had his university convocation.
it's bittersweet. for two men, whom i care about most dearly, have had a chapter opened and a chapter closed. i'm extremely happy and sad. sad because there's an inexplicable sense of separation and distance. marriage doesn't necessarily mean there would be a closer knit in a family, in this instance, I welcome an older 'sister' with all my heart, but I also can't help but to feel that the life as I have known it has been rocked. a slight destabilizing decision, the 'I do' uttered and then we are overwhelmed with physical affection for each other in that happy moment, when we want that fairytale to happen.
perhaps also in this lopsided emotional state, i have mentioned to my parents, who have supported my actions and choices thus far in life, to retract the evil plastic card. to impose upon yours truly, a strict financial no-frills number.
it means, to be truly tight in the pockets of my faded jeans and monochrome tank tops. it's a challenge, i must admit. because i realize i have been just absolutely spoiled. how did this come about? from a distant figure that silhouetted the devil-may-care attitude about the finer things in life, i must have morphed into a grotesque version of wanting it all. i don't know where that came from.
i also don't like it.
here's to counting the pennies, and making way to find a richer substitute than the pleasures that money cannot buy.
i am likely to continue somewhere in this vein because it's all been rather messy.
rather for the opinion of a random passerby, i'd like to look back and remember here, that i once felt such and such an emotion, however fleeting, however deep, with regards to whom it may (or may not) concern, for whatever reason that cannot be described. i think words, they say too much of what we don't intend for them to say. also, i forget, too easily.
i hope i remember enough about Singapore the next time i'm here.
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