learning to speak another language is really a bitch sometimes.
i can't singsong along with the audio cd
and i remember half the words that are mechanically said.
so at the end of it all, i just don't remember what i've just said, on repeat.
nevertheless, i'm as excited as a child getting a brand new puppy
i'm definitely looking forward to this trip, even though it may mean that i will be spending a couple of important family vacations and celebrations away from home.
it's strange to think that i've accepted someone else's family as my own, or at least people that have begun to make a regular appearance on my stage.
think of it as one of those local dramas you watch, like that kopitiam show with mano maniam in it. we've got the regulars, the extras, the dramas, the weird props and maybe even an occasional make up artist or someone to do our hair.
the script can range from happy to angry, sober and drunk, funny and sarcastic with random splashes of wit and ridiculous notions. i hear conversations that unearth history, pretty artifacts or ugly bits of ruined pieces. it's something like my own family stage, but they have yet to meet the other side, and many times i've felt worse than i really should because in truth i'm not ashamed of these guests, but i've always had to move them aside when my own family comes to play. they hide behind a thinly veiled curtain, joking and fooling around whilst this other side goes about their daily routine without maybe the slightest inkling.
i can't decide whose company i would enjoy more, but i do think that i would not be able to choose should you give me that option
is it too fast a move? i recall CD saying that sometime back, when i mentioned to her that i just got back from a weekend getaway with said family, and she sounded surprised that things were that serious. to me, i guess she didn't know the extent of our relationship but it got me thinking, are we really moving too fast or are we just comfortable with how everything is already that steps were taken without discussion?
i have nothing, absolutely nothing against such progress at all.
but in the eyes of other people, they seem to think that for us, this is the real deal.
i believe so too, and for many reasons, i'm glad of it.
i would absolutely hate being one of those people, being strung along for a ride just because i happened to be at the right place and the right time, or rather the wrong person and a wrong choice.
this is NOT a rant, it's jut one of those things that's buried beneath many other thoughts that it surfaced gradually and reflected recent events.
12.11.08
10.11.08
let bygones be bygones
it just hit me, i've been one selfish brat.
don't get me wrong, it takes a lot of me to admit that i've been mistaken.
especially when it's something that i don't want reminisce about.
maybe in this case, i held on so hard that i forgot what it was like to breathe on my own.
after all, i'm responsible for my own happiness.
i regret (just a little) at the way i handled things at that time.
it was unfair, painful and not to mention, really messy.
stupid gemini children! would it kill you to just speak your mind?
oh fuck it. it's not like i can do anything now to repair the irreparable anyways.
don't get me wrong, it takes a lot of me to admit that i've been mistaken.
especially when it's something that i don't want reminisce about.
maybe in this case, i held on so hard that i forgot what it was like to breathe on my own.
after all, i'm responsible for my own happiness.
i regret (just a little) at the way i handled things at that time.
it was unfair, painful and not to mention, really messy.
stupid gemini children! would it kill you to just speak your mind?
oh fuck it. it's not like i can do anything now to repair the irreparable anyways.
that night job. that red light.
transvestites should be given their own legal rights to be recognized as members of society.
i just watched "Princesa", in brief it's about a transvestite who's looking for a way out of making a living by whoring, and she travels far from home to search for jobs that would pay well enough so that she would have a sex change op. but she changes her mind in the end because it appears that she's been living a lie all this while by playing housewife to her "husband". it's quite explicit but you get the story at the end of it. i imagine it to be quite painful to be in a position like that, to be ostracized by society and have no end to name-calling. not to be able to find a proper job, something legal, something less demeaning. she even wanted to commit suicide at one point.
my family is one of many out there who don't understand that we need to include gays and transvestites into our everyday lives. after all, we are all human, the only difference is how we go about our daily lives. they find it unacceptable that such people roam around freely. frankly, i don't really care for them, i might even laugh at them sometimes. but when you really think about it, they are just trying to make ends meet. just because you're gay, doesn't mean you can survive on that fact alone.
people who say that it's haram, or that it's against religion etc, should be shot. it's hard enough to live feeling awkward and strange, to have people look at you in odd mannerisms all the time, and now you need to shove that kind of ridiculous notions into their heads?
what, you think they don't have enough shit to think about that you need to mess up their heads even more?
get real. don't pretend to be holier-than-thou. it's disgusting.
i just watched "Princesa", in brief it's about a transvestite who's looking for a way out of making a living by whoring, and she travels far from home to search for jobs that would pay well enough so that she would have a sex change op. but she changes her mind in the end because it appears that she's been living a lie all this while by playing housewife to her "husband". it's quite explicit but you get the story at the end of it. i imagine it to be quite painful to be in a position like that, to be ostracized by society and have no end to name-calling. not to be able to find a proper job, something legal, something less demeaning. she even wanted to commit suicide at one point.
my family is one of many out there who don't understand that we need to include gays and transvestites into our everyday lives. after all, we are all human, the only difference is how we go about our daily lives. they find it unacceptable that such people roam around freely. frankly, i don't really care for them, i might even laugh at them sometimes. but when you really think about it, they are just trying to make ends meet. just because you're gay, doesn't mean you can survive on that fact alone.
people who say that it's haram, or that it's against religion etc, should be shot. it's hard enough to live feeling awkward and strange, to have people look at you in odd mannerisms all the time, and now you need to shove that kind of ridiculous notions into their heads?
what, you think they don't have enough shit to think about that you need to mess up their heads even more?
get real. don't pretend to be holier-than-thou. it's disgusting.
you talk way too much bullshit.
i hate arguing with you
in fact i hate any kind of conversation with you because all you ever do is to make me feel BAD, feel SORRY, feel ANGRY, feel PISSED and eventually i'll cry.
i'm literally speechless when it comes to taking a shot back at your smarty pants one liners.
it's funny, you speak so much of religion and how you found God again.
it's really something, and i admire a belief that's so strong.
but you've used it as an excuse to look down on your own family.
i don't know how it is with you and your friends, maybe it's how the saying goes, "birds of a feather flock together." i don't really care anyway? just that you need to learn how to respect the people whom you grew up with, who took care of you when you were sick, who cook your meals, who wash your clothes, who gave you everything when you asked for it and now you're giving us attitude?
i'm not alone in feeling this way, and i'm glad for it. because that shows i'm not a judgmental person, neither am i someone who only cares for everything else but my family.
i can't even begin to tell you how important my family is to me.
i'd be less than nothing without them, and you've forgotten that all in the sight of your GOD!
pray tell *pun intended*, which God would tell you to forsake your own family?
which supreme being out there would advise you against any respect for those who love and care about you? your devotion to your faith is admirable, only that i think religion is a story made to move millions of hearts, and that everything is a story in itself anyway. your preaching drives me up the wall, because you're so confident that you're right, and that your stance is the only one that should be followed. i don't think i ever knew you as a person, because i look at you now and i just feel empty.
it's sad, i know. but i can't do anything about it because you are so unwilling to let people into your life, you don't share anything with anyone who lives under the same damn roof and it's a pity because you will realise one fine day that you will have lost everything and gained nothing and to come crawling back to this home would be THE day. you think giving up time for your church can make you a better person? sure it does. your fellow church goers would think that you're a devout and pious Christian and that is one side to be proud of, definitely. but you don't see that when you prioritise one thing above everything else, and that there is no balance whatsoever, that you forget to love the hand that feeds you, "bagai kacang melupakan kulit" then you ought to be shot.
i can talk about this the whole night.
i hate that it eats me up inside.
and truly, ignorance is bliss.
p/s: what is the fucking point of asking me when you're gonna do it anyway? you just want to pretend to be polite right? *muka frust nak mati*
in fact i hate any kind of conversation with you because all you ever do is to make me feel BAD, feel SORRY, feel ANGRY, feel PISSED and eventually i'll cry.
i'm literally speechless when it comes to taking a shot back at your smarty pants one liners.
it's funny, you speak so much of religion and how you found God again.
it's really something, and i admire a belief that's so strong.
but you've used it as an excuse to look down on your own family.
i don't know how it is with you and your friends, maybe it's how the saying goes, "birds of a feather flock together." i don't really care anyway? just that you need to learn how to respect the people whom you grew up with, who took care of you when you were sick, who cook your meals, who wash your clothes, who gave you everything when you asked for it and now you're giving us attitude?
i'm not alone in feeling this way, and i'm glad for it. because that shows i'm not a judgmental person, neither am i someone who only cares for everything else but my family.
i can't even begin to tell you how important my family is to me.
i'd be less than nothing without them, and you've forgotten that all in the sight of your GOD!
pray tell *pun intended*, which God would tell you to forsake your own family?
which supreme being out there would advise you against any respect for those who love and care about you? your devotion to your faith is admirable, only that i think religion is a story made to move millions of hearts, and that everything is a story in itself anyway. your preaching drives me up the wall, because you're so confident that you're right, and that your stance is the only one that should be followed. i don't think i ever knew you as a person, because i look at you now and i just feel empty.
it's sad, i know. but i can't do anything about it because you are so unwilling to let people into your life, you don't share anything with anyone who lives under the same damn roof and it's a pity because you will realise one fine day that you will have lost everything and gained nothing and to come crawling back to this home would be THE day. you think giving up time for your church can make you a better person? sure it does. your fellow church goers would think that you're a devout and pious Christian and that is one side to be proud of, definitely. but you don't see that when you prioritise one thing above everything else, and that there is no balance whatsoever, that you forget to love the hand that feeds you, "bagai kacang melupakan kulit" then you ought to be shot.
i can talk about this the whole night.
i hate that it eats me up inside.
and truly, ignorance is bliss.
p/s: what is the fucking point of asking me when you're gonna do it anyway? you just want to pretend to be polite right? *muka frust nak mati*
4.11.08
korp kun kaa
it's 5.30am now and i'm still awake. i remember stepping into your house for the first time that sunday afternoon 6 months ago, taking in every inch of the space. i fell in love with the place at first sight. i saw everyone, post-trip and i hang around downstairs so as to appear that everything was hunky-dory when in fact my heart was beating faster than it should be. i was afraid to venture into your room for a minute there, hesitation even. and you were half awake with the sunlight pouring in and you clad in your yellow flowery blanket (as described before), with abbas dead to the world on the bed. i was still reeling from last night and a little groggy from the drinks and i had to see it to believe it. Did i really call you last night for two hours pouring my heart out???? well it turns out i did, and i remember it like it was yesterday, and it was beautiful, for you to be playing with my hair while we talk about things that were just utterly normal. it didn't seem like anyone existed then. only you, and i. you've described your room to me before but to see it for myself, the place where we would first make love and talk for hours before falling asleep in each other's arms.
i can't write beautiful poetry like you do but i sure hope my words here tell you how i feel. my mind is of many thoughts jumbled up together. you make up most, if not all of it.i remember you telling me that you felt uncertain of how i was towards this relationship, our relationship at the beginning and truly it was a precarious step for me to take but it has been worth every risk and more. i believe that in every relationship, there are different points of time where one would feel less secure than the other and i think we both have had our fair share.
yang, it's completely absurd of me to be insecure at all but i'm only human and the idle mind is of course the devil's workshop. just know that my love for you won't change or fade and nothing short of wild horses could drag me away from you.
happy 6 months :)
i can't write beautiful poetry like you do but i sure hope my words here tell you how i feel. my mind is of many thoughts jumbled up together. you make up most, if not all of it.i remember you telling me that you felt uncertain of how i was towards this relationship, our relationship at the beginning and truly it was a precarious step for me to take but it has been worth every risk and more. i believe that in every relationship, there are different points of time where one would feel less secure than the other and i think we both have had our fair share.
yang, it's completely absurd of me to be insecure at all but i'm only human and the idle mind is of course the devil's workshop. just know that my love for you won't change or fade and nothing short of wild horses could drag me away from you.
happy 6 months :)
2.11.08
sawatdeekaa!
it's got to be the groggiest day ever.
nothing beats it, hands down.
i wake up at 8 ish cause my mom insists that i go to the graveyard with the rest
and honestly i was in no shape to even move.
things just started going "bump!" for me
and i fell asleep after breakfast til about one
when i woke up, i finished watching the talented mr.ripley which btw is not a bad movie at all! (:
that was the climax i achieved the ENTIRE DAY.
spent the rest of the time, passing in and out of sleep.
now i'm wide awake, yet to expand my essay.
i'm going to say fuck that shit, i'm too damn malas to do it now
if i'm failing that paper, i'm failing that paper
i'll just take another elective. memang malas to go and figure out facts and stats for it now. seriously.
my entire sunday has been a half-assed one.
on another note, did you know that to learn elementary Thai at Erican( it's a language centre that's quite popular in KL), you have to pay 2.4 K! wtf, daylight robbery! in the space of three months/30 hours, it's a bloody ripoff. i mean, who's deluded enough to pay so much for that!
i'm not la, definitely. it's either you're bleeding rich, or just a nitwit.
it's annoying that there aren't any learning centres that are NOT out to bleed you dry.
dude, not everyone stores gold bricks in their homes.
shouldn't there be other teaching ethics, like the satisfaction of TEACHING?
cukup. i'll do it myself ((:
nothing beats it, hands down.
i wake up at 8 ish cause my mom insists that i go to the graveyard with the rest
and honestly i was in no shape to even move.
things just started going "bump!" for me
and i fell asleep after breakfast til about one
when i woke up, i finished watching the talented mr.ripley which btw is not a bad movie at all! (:
that was the climax i achieved the ENTIRE DAY.
spent the rest of the time, passing in and out of sleep.
now i'm wide awake, yet to expand my essay.
i'm going to say fuck that shit, i'm too damn malas to do it now
if i'm failing that paper, i'm failing that paper
i'll just take another elective. memang malas to go and figure out facts and stats for it now. seriously.
my entire sunday has been a half-assed one.
on another note, did you know that to learn elementary Thai at Erican( it's a language centre that's quite popular in KL), you have to pay 2.4 K! wtf, daylight robbery! in the space of three months/30 hours, it's a bloody ripoff. i mean, who's deluded enough to pay so much for that!
i'm not la, definitely. it's either you're bleeding rich, or just a nitwit.
it's annoying that there aren't any learning centres that are NOT out to bleed you dry.
dude, not everyone stores gold bricks in their homes.
shouldn't there be other teaching ethics, like the satisfaction of TEACHING?
cukup. i'll do it myself ((:
1.11.08
quikclean
i have a couple of hours to spruce up my essay that's due this weekend
i'm too darn lazy to get it moving, it's still at 6.25% for a two hour piece of work
surely i need to pick it up by now!
but there are 5 million excuses not to; i still have loads of unwatched movies sitting in the hard drives, moonlight resonance is showing now via dvd haha wtf my grandma's hooked. and the weather is just too damn hot. for you buggers out there, yes yes it's winter, snowing bla bla bla. well i don't know if i'd rather be here or there.
i spent the first few waking hours stuffing my face with bacon and turkey ham :D
then the conversation progressed along a serious vein for my grandma and mom
*jengjengjenggggg* marriage!!!!!
oh i can't believe it really.
all this kahwin kahwin business.
you see, my older siblings have yet to tie the knot
and my parents are in a little bit of a dilemma
"why is it taking so long!"
it's no rush to have grandkids and all
omg i'll be auntyhidethebooze :P
and for the fact that i'm such an emo person when it comes to my family
even if it's the next necessary step
i'm not the first one jumping headlong into this deep end.
so my grandma relates like 5 million stories about who and who hooked up, when and where
mr and mrs so-and-so had it like this, like that etc
it was interesting to hear such odd tales in the middle of the afternoon when one is still groggy from the heat. my parents celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary next month and it's so sweet that after so long, everything's still (almost) jolly good ((:
it makes me wonder if i'll have that as well
if my siblings would have the same
if our families would still be tight like it is now
i don't know for sure
but i hope it will retain some resemblance to what i have grown to have and cherish.
my mom is in a situation where she does not know how the chinese go about such rituals.
her people did things differently and my grandma was giving her pointers on the "how-to's"
i'm excited and sad and feeling a bit nonchalant all at once.
it means a lot, that they will have their own families and lives in time
and for the age gap, i can't help but feel left out.
sorry for the haphazard typing, in between lines, different points and whatnot
so many things running through my head
that i'm just sometimes, lost for a few words to explain it all.
i'm too darn lazy to get it moving, it's still at 6.25% for a two hour piece of work
surely i need to pick it up by now!
but there are 5 million excuses not to; i still have loads of unwatched movies sitting in the hard drives, moonlight resonance is showing now via dvd haha wtf my grandma's hooked. and the weather is just too damn hot. for you buggers out there, yes yes it's winter, snowing bla bla bla. well i don't know if i'd rather be here or there.
i spent the first few waking hours stuffing my face with bacon and turkey ham :D
then the conversation progressed along a serious vein for my grandma and mom
*jengjengjenggggg* marriage!!!!!
oh i can't believe it really.
all this kahwin kahwin business.
you see, my older siblings have yet to tie the knot
and my parents are in a little bit of a dilemma
"why is it taking so long!"
it's no rush to have grandkids and all
omg i'll be auntyhidethebooze :P
and for the fact that i'm such an emo person when it comes to my family
even if it's the next necessary step
i'm not the first one jumping headlong into this deep end.
so my grandma relates like 5 million stories about who and who hooked up, when and where
mr and mrs so-and-so had it like this, like that etc
it was interesting to hear such odd tales in the middle of the afternoon when one is still groggy from the heat. my parents celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary next month and it's so sweet that after so long, everything's still (almost) jolly good ((:
it makes me wonder if i'll have that as well
if my siblings would have the same
if our families would still be tight like it is now
i don't know for sure
but i hope it will retain some resemblance to what i have grown to have and cherish.
my mom is in a situation where she does not know how the chinese go about such rituals.
her people did things differently and my grandma was giving her pointers on the "how-to's"
i'm excited and sad and feeling a bit nonchalant all at once.
it means a lot, that they will have their own families and lives in time
and for the age gap, i can't help but feel left out.
sorry for the haphazard typing, in between lines, different points and whatnot
so many things running through my head
that i'm just sometimes, lost for a few words to explain it all.
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