freakshow.

i like not wearing underwear, it's airy and the feeling of unstuffed, unsqueezed bits of your body into itsy-bitsy triangular shapes of cotton is one that can't be described without going through it yourself (:

ah quit playing games with my heart! you say it just to annoy me, just to whisk a reaction out of me. or you do it unintentionally but it's still fucking mencibaikan! JUST STOP IT!

and an unlikely trio spent 20 minutes bugging shaarad about how it's a waste of a friday morning to be stuck in a class full of people who just won't cooperate. i can imagine how frustrating it is for him, so thank goodness i'm not in his shoes. but seriously, dumbing oneself down just so the rest of you dumbfucks get to pass the class is NOT how i want to spend the rest of my semester.


you can call me whatever you like, only because it makes you feel better about your sorry self.
pathetic.

are you just another person breathing in my air?

neoconservative
islamic revolutions
*insert name of politicians/historians/political scientists*
interviews
footage
war scenes
reel-time
and anything else related to whatever i watched earlier today

documentaries are interesting but it seems a bit too much to process in one hour or so
especially when i don't have the "necessary" knowledge for it all :P

i think i tak erti ber-belog anymore. this is utter nonsense @_@
my head is everywhere but here
and that reminds me, "your mind is not in your head" (:
on another note, i'm reading "the concept of mind" by gilbert ryle (even though i have never heard of him before i stumbled across that book at the library)
and a bit of freud "we can be anything we want to be as long as we WANT it" + "what if i told you that we are only on the surface, the tip of the mind, that we have not even begun to delve into the very depths of the mental capabilities of our intelligence?" equals to -----> :O
ahahhhaahhaha oh so much for intellectual stimulation
i have too much reading for uni as it is
plus essays ):

every beginning of the year is somewhat lousy for me
and this year is not so very different
but i shall try to make it better
(:

i bloghop like any other frequently because it's fun and i'm a nosy parker :P
but i think the real reason is just so i know what's going on with you, even if i'm not the first person you'd tell. sometimes i find that you write profoundly, perhaps with a lot of emoticons and phrases i may not know, i see happy smiley people in your photographs, but sometimes you get depressed and annoyed. i pick up my cues from your stories which may or may not be trivial but nevertheless it's about you.

Christmas was here sometime ago, I had a good time but it wasn't the best. you win some, you lose some. i saw your blogs, many of you spent time with family and at church, doing plays or going for midnight service. that reminds me of a time when i did the exact same things, but as of last year i saw my faith slipping away. when i see the photos of your religiously celebrated holiday, i wonder what was it exactly that happened to me. did i lose out on being in the same circle where i grew up in with people of the church or am i just one of the very few people out there who came to realize that religion isn't all there is to life?

that's what i see in my parents. they are caught up with work, and that's normal because it's necessary to survive. and they spend the rest of the time doing charity work for the church, helping out with bazaars, dinners, fund raising events etc.
i used to love being in the midst of it all, being a part of the youth team, going for spiritual camps... that was all good and dandy til one fine day, i met a completely different group of people who saw everything upside down and inside out. it was strange, it was weird, i felt like a social outcast because while i used to be proud for being street-wise, meeting these people was probably the first REAL thing that has ever happened to me. they may not be your regular joes who fit the social stereotype of a jock or a nerd, but while i lived in a world of black and white, theirs had colours of every kind. i was even, to a certain extent, ashamed of myself. of my genuine naivety towards everything. i can't claim i'm all-knowing and knowledgeable now, but i daresay that i'm enlightened by these people and their thoughts with whom i understand.

Buddha's state of mind was to achieve enlightenment, that is to "awaken".
i believe i'm one step closer to that.

bring it.

bukan main emo lagi aku kebelakangan ini
entah lah
mungkin hanya sebab ku mempunyai masa yang terluang buatku memikirkan perkara yang tidak patut mengganggu perasaanku.
tetapi ku sedar, tiap akhir tahun, ku mesti terbelenggu dengan masalah yang timbul secara automatik. ku berusaha untuk menyisihkan perasaan semua itu dengan melakukan aktiviti lain.

i can't type for nuts in malay. sounds like some really bad malay novel. +_+
buntu dibuatnya.

i spent 45 minutes talking to a cab driver who made me feel like i was going all over town and not exactly headed to my destination. i got there in the end anyway but during the journey, he talked about his family, how his grandsons are more interested in dancing, singing, playing video games, snooker and pool and constantly failing in their exams. how his own kids are pretty smart but have dumb twits for kids. he's proud of his wife whom he loves very much, and he appreciates a smart woman who chose him to be a partner for life. and on he yakked. about unscrupulous taxi drivers, who cheat, including himself. the fares that skyrocket when it rains, when it's a certain area. he was cool. he's just one of the many many faces out there who are looking to make a living, to fill in time that goes by. i wonder if i would live to an age where i would also fit seamlessly in that sea of people who are all just working to get by.

i don't want to work to get by, i don't want to be the person who works their whole lives away and not see what it really is like out there. i realise that my family's scared. they are always scared. of going out, cause it's a bad world out there. of being robbed/killed, because the papers sell such news. SENSATIONALISM. now that's something that came right out of my finals paper. lol. well of course! it's because such news sell. i mean, who would want to read about 'heroic' deeds like rescuing drowning cats and dogs all day?

i want to live. like i've never been afraid. you get so scared that about the world out there that you forget what it is like to be fearless and to just go where you will. i think i have become one of those people - the ones who are scared of things to happen.

i read of stories where people experience life-changing ideas and i'm inspired to do the same.
it's nothing when all you do is just to read about it and then let it pass you by.
when opportunity comes knocking once, it won't come around again.
i know i've let up a number of chances to get to where i want to be
and while i regret those, i hope that for the year to come, i will reach out and be a part of a life that wants more than just a bystander.

i'm a player, baby. (:

eat this.

i don't have a lot to say on the account that not a lot has happened
i just felt like being pissy right here, for no logical reason known to man.
it's like getting a brand new top and you wear it out, cause it looks oh-so-cool and nice etc
and you didn't realise it at first, but the tag that u forgot to take out is at the back of your neck
and it's annoying the begeezus out of you
you think of a million ways to discreetly get it out of your nape without losing any face over the little tag.
but you're stuck with it til you get home, and when you do, you yank it over ur head and rip that damn thing off. mission accomplished.

yeah that's how i feel like some days.
something is annoying the pee out of me but i can't figure out what the fuck it is.

i've got too much time on my hands babes

boleh tak kalau aku nak balik sekolah skrang?

and cookie jar is THE SHIT right now, fucking sensual, oh think of swaying hips, and bodies that melt together when the mood is right, the way you grind as the music flows.
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. damn hot.

don't ask.

ko ni mmg pantat ko paham tak?
nak aje menganggu hidup org lain
yg kite ni tak kacau sesiapa pun
ko ni nak buat hal tu apasal?
dah tak cukup kerja tu, nak cari kerja lain la iye?
bila masa ko ni menyibuk sgt hal org lain
cam pukimak lebih
jaga tepi kain orang aje pandai
pergilah blaja sungguh-sungguh.
bukan main mengada lagi
muka kau tu mmg nak kena sepak ngan aku
tak puas betul aku tengok muka yg menyampah lebih lebih tu

geram gila bila aku pikir pasal pompuan ni
kan aku dah gembira ngan hidup aku ni
tak tentu pasal dia nak muncul jugak
siapa yg bagi kad jemputan nih?
ko tak erti pon
ko betul tak paham la
yang kau tu buta ke, bodoh ke, pekak ke?
buat apa ko nak campur tangan dlm hidup ku ni?
adakah sesiapa tu suruh awak menyibuk dekat hidup aku nih?

aku letih nak merajuk pasal betina ni
lebih lagi aku tak reti nak gaduh ngan dia pasal orang yg tak bermaruah ni
yang kau tu nak rebut ngan aku
memang dah tak leh lawan la
kecuali kau tu menggunakan cara yang terlalu melampau
kalau cam tu, memang la aku tak leh rebut pon sbb kau tu menggunakan taktik yg kotor

bila pikirkan pasal pompuan ni
memang naik darah aku
bukan pasal aku takut dia meninggalkan aku
tapi pasal dia mungkin menggoda dan mencuri hatinya
yang hak milik aku, tetap hak milik aku

pompuan jalang, kau jgn harap nak berebut ngan aku
aku mesti pikir cara musnahkan kau.

game over.

i think it's fairly common that we talk to ourselves.
i just did as i was in the shower, i still am doing it as i am typing this.
a lot of people don't admit that they talk to themselves cause then they'll be labeled crazy.
well that's fine by me, because i think it's perfectly fine to voice out to oneself what he/she thinks at that moment. it could be an idea or rehearsing a part of a conversation you want to be a part of, even just random thoughts like how you would like very much to strangle that lady who gave you the evil eye for wearing that red lacy tube.
oh where am i heading with this?

the point here is, that i was talking to myself in the bathroom 5 minutes ago because i don't want to be a part of the cina-beng community. i saw that happening with my cousin. she studied journalism, a branch of communications, at a private university where it is famous for the multitudes of ah-bengs who go there. now, i've always had relatives telling me that since i'm also interested in this field, not journalism in particular if you must know, i should also attend that university because
#1, she attended that university, therefore it MUST be good.
#2, she has 'graduated' from that university, hence it's a worthwhile experience.
#3, she obtained a government loan for her entire course, so it is easier on everyone's pockets.

well, to all this i say, bullshit.
i don't want to be stuck in some ah-beng land wondering what the fishballs i'm doing in here.
why should i follow your footsteps? just because you're older, supposedly wiser? gosh it's such a joke really. i don't know why exactly i'm on a rant for this, since the topic has closed ages ago among my family members. but this train of thought has led me to the station where it is concluded that all the chinese people that i know, especially my family, are just being mengada. no, seriously. every little detail of everyone's lives are spread out on the dining table, from who did what at the office, to whose fault is it that the washing machine broke down yet again.

i have no right to bash other races when i don't understand their culture, the way things work in their circle etc but when it comes to me, the 1/2 of me that understands how the chinese work, yes i have every right to take to the bat and swing as hard as i can in the faces of one billion chinese people out there.

it's annoying. i don't want to end up studying, working with, living with chinese people who are so closed minded all my life. i saw that happening to my cousin and she's not out there at all. i mean for what it's worth, i've seen and experienced more in my 20 years than she ever will. it's no thanks to the upbringing, where everything that was labeled 'accordingly' and she probably never broke a law. she's picture perfect in everyone's eyes and can do no wrong.

oh puh-lease. spare me the cheese and just bring it on.
a classic example of how much they trust her decisions and opinions is when her parents went away for a short getaway and left her at home. now my grandmother definitely favours her, other than my eldest brother. i don't know what is so special about them, but they are her favourites alright. she used to get twice as much as we do for chinese new year, and sometimes even triple. of course back then, i used to whine like fuck cause she'd get over one k, and i wouldn't even reach a hundred bucks. but i digress, she's home alone and my grandmother wants to check up on her, "oh have you had dinner yet?" bla bla bla... and the thing is, she was also invited to sleep at our place while her parents were away. and that's cool.

BUT SHE SAID NO. *jeng jeng jengggggggg*!
her reason was that she wants to stay at home and study and besides she has got friends coming to sleepover, so no worries darling grandma, she'll be fine.

oh how nice...

so my grandma concedes defeat and tells her, okay darling, take care and be good.
a couple of nights later, the old lady calls up the house and wants to know if she's eaten yet etc.
to HER surprise, not mine definitely, no one answers.
well duh, you didn't actually think she'd be sitting at home, WAITING for your phone call?

geez man, does it take a genius to figure out that by now? fuck you guys are slow.
she ain't no saint. you guys just put her up on a pedestal to make her look gorgeous when all she really is, is human like the rest of us.
and i totally laughed in my grandma's face. i swear.
i was discreet about it, i was politically correct.
but i won an enormous victory that night and i'll never let anyone forget about it.

you see, i don't have a personal vendetta against my cousin.
she's alright y'know.
but my chinese family has had it in their mind to create some sort of rivalry, so that we can compete and see who emerges the winner.
in all our 'contests' so far, i've always lost because i never did give a shit about winning anybody's affections by brown-nosing and licking boots.
it started when we were damn young and it has continued til now.
gimme a break la ok
even if you're not sick of it, i am!
and no one was being fair.
i'm two years younger, damnit!
obviously i lose out on time.
if i may say so, i make up for it with charm and wit and streetwise skills she doesn't have.

still, even with all my bonus features, they aren't happy with the end result.
and after my grandma gave up calling my cousin that night, i could see that she was contemplating about how could her beloved favourite grand-daughter could be someone she never thought she'd be, like me.

sorry to burst your bubble. but damn right i did.

i dislike favoritism, even if it does have it's pros and cons.
it makes us detest one another, breaks sibling relationships and just make things sour.
so fuck it i say.
all this while, you pretend in front of everyone that it's fine and dandy
but inside, you're just burning to tell it all out, that so-and-so's a fat liar, and just have things out in the light instead of always being seen as the underachiever and ridiculed for what we really are.

i never said i would hide, but i don't have a choice.
if i ever told anyone in my family how i really am, what i really do,
chances are they'll just push me further down and ignorance is always blissful in the chinese community.


sungguh mencibaikan.

i want to eat in peace, please.

i had breakfast at the ungodly hour of 8am this morning
mostly i don't come across as a person who likes to eat at old school kopitiams and someone you'd ask along for a foodie trip, but truth be told i LOVE going around town, snuffing out nooks and crannies for a good bowl of noodles *drools*

now at this particular place in downtown KL, there's a stall that sells some super scrumptious noodles, to me it's unbeatable (:
it's got the makings of a stall that operates illegally, with the familiar trinkle of customers every morning, customers who share their tables with other customers (in chinese, it's called "taap toi"), orders being shouted across the the tables, the steaming pot of boiling water that doesn't seem to run out of gas, the wooden chopsticks and porcelain chipped bowls, all of that and it's right next to the main street. it sounds dirty, messy and horribly disorganized but it's all part of the experience.
to date, i have brought along a few friends to try this out with me, and i would say that the reviews ain't half bad.

it's a place that holds all sorts of weird memories for me, like for instance this stall is strategically placed directly opposite a tuition centre which i attended during pre-PMR and pre-SPM days like wth, super random, and at night the street is converted to a foodie bazaar, of which one stall sells a crazy "sup kambing"! meleleh air liur!
when my grandpa was still around, we'd go to this noodle place at least once a week, cause he knows the family that runs the business etc, and it was a warm pleasant feeling to just chill out with family like that, y'know?

anyway, i'm digressing. i guess the main point of this post was THIS morning's breakfast
so back to that. sitting alone at some obscure corner of the tiny space this place has, a man showed up to "taap toi" with me, and it was cool, no objections, i'm just going to eat and leave.
it turns out he's a regular, and the drink man is an acquaintance of his. so they start talking low tones that i can't make out what they are saying. by and by, i could hear a little of what they were saying and it is actually the drink man bragging to my neighbour about where they've been for the holidays etc, how expensive it is to travel and so on.

eavesdropping isn't exactly my favourite past time, but you can't switch off your ears either.
in any case, it's such a typical chinese thing to do (yes, i'm racist, sue me!), to tell an acquaintance that you have not met in a while about the recent "things" you've done, i.e. eaten at luxurious courts, traveled to faraway lands and made lots of money. all this besting and competing is SO FAKE. get real mister. he's not in any mood to listen to you brag while having a good bowl of noodles for breakfast on a cool saturday morning. to be polite is the least anyone could do.

can you imagine eating your favourite snack with some harry breathing down your neck, spouting his latest escapades? seriously. +_+ hovering should be banned, especially during my bowl of noodles.

ignore that voice in your head.

you who invented jealousy must have been a person with too much free time on hand
that there was nothing else to do but to make believe stories in your head
to mislead yourself into thinking about something that wasn't there

i hate being tested, it takes so much effort to be more than what you're capable of.
even if it means that i can do it, it doesn't mean i should have to be placed in such a compromising position. it's simply unfair. and really, i truly hate such situations.
they are awkward, like talking to a good friend who has BO or bad breath
you've got to suck it in and wait til the conversation is over so that you can breathe without asking for permission.

goddamnit.

and of course, the grass always looks greener on the other side, but the shepherd boy says otherwise and to believe him seems to be the foolish thing to do since i believe what i see. and hope against hope you want to believe that the shepherd boy's just looking out for you and obviously he knows best because he's been taking the sheep around that area for years, and now you, a mere tourist wants to tell a seasoned professional what he should do in his own backyard, that his grass is just too damn green? well do the right thing and believe him. find another shepherd and ask for his opinion, he'll tell you the same thing.

i hate being a green eyed monster ):
i really do.
it's no fun being the one who's all worked up over nothing, i believe you i do i do!
it's a nuisance, it's tiresome
it breaks me down, it breaks you do
and it works like a double edged knife.
oh fuck this mossy shit.

surely i have better things to do than to think of irrelevant people, and moments of doubt such as these only work for the worst of us, and i'm determined to beat this son of a bitch.

say it with me now: completely unnecessary *repeat as often as possible*

it's a waste of time and neurons on this matter
because after all, if the shepherd boy lies about it, karma is set to rock and roll
but i digress, women are engineered to be so damn emotional about everything.
it's through no fault of my own that i am made female
this world of constant vanity and comparison makes me ill sometimes.
every sally, belle and mary are out there just waiting to be the next supermodel/actress/celebrity whilst jotting notes on getting slimmer so that they can achieve the anorexic look, which surgeon to go to so that they can get the best deals for nose job/boob job/face lift/botox jab. i mean seriously, going under the knife is just like taking a drive to the supermarket.
all this competition, and you tell me to believe in myself?
honey, you must be living in the stone age!

i'm scared. at the end of it all, i am scared. i'm afraid that one day you would lose that faith in me, and jump ship anyway, i'm afraid that boredom creeps in and it will be over before i know it, i'm afraid that you'd fall for someone else and forget that i ever existed. i'm afraid of 5 million things, but perhaps i should be more afraid of not living as i should, that fear and terror are the only things holding us back from doing what we want to do, and every single probable future plan of mine includes you. if i can't stop thinking about irrelevant things like green eyed monsters, that future would most likely not come true at all.

sungguh mencibaikan.

your call.

learning to speak another language is really a bitch sometimes.
i can't singsong along with the audio cd
and i remember half the words that are mechanically said.
so at the end of it all, i just don't remember what i've just said, on repeat.

nevertheless, i'm as excited as a child getting a brand new puppy
i'm definitely looking forward to this trip, even though it may mean that i will be spending a couple of important family vacations and celebrations away from home.

it's strange to think that i've accepted someone else's family as my own, or at least people that have begun to make a regular appearance on my stage.
think of it as one of those local dramas you watch, like that kopitiam show with mano maniam in it. we've got the regulars, the extras, the dramas, the weird props and maybe even an occasional make up artist or someone to do our hair.
the script can range from happy to angry, sober and drunk, funny and sarcastic with random splashes of wit and ridiculous notions. i hear conversations that unearth history, pretty artifacts or ugly bits of ruined pieces. it's something like my own family stage, but they have yet to meet the other side, and many times i've felt worse than i really should because in truth i'm not ashamed of these guests, but i've always had to move them aside when my own family comes to play. they hide behind a thinly veiled curtain, joking and fooling around whilst this other side goes about their daily routine without maybe the slightest inkling.

i can't decide whose company i would enjoy more, but i do think that i would not be able to choose should you give me that option

is it too fast a move? i recall CD saying that sometime back, when i mentioned to her that i just got back from a weekend getaway with said family, and she sounded surprised that things were that serious. to me, i guess she didn't know the extent of our relationship but it got me thinking, are we really moving too fast or are we just comfortable with how everything is already that steps were taken without discussion?

i have nothing, absolutely nothing against such progress at all.
but in the eyes of other people, they seem to think that for us, this is the real deal.
i believe so too, and for many reasons, i'm glad of it.
i would absolutely hate being one of those people, being strung along for a ride just because i happened to be at the right place and the right time, or rather the wrong person and a wrong choice.

this is NOT a rant, it's jut one of those things that's buried beneath many other thoughts that it surfaced gradually and reflected recent events.

that night job. that red light.

transvestites should be given their own legal rights to be recognized as members of society.

i just watched "Princesa", in brief it's about a transvestite who's looking for a way out of making a living by whoring, and she travels far from home to search for jobs that would pay well enough so that she would have a sex change op. but she changes her mind in the end because it appears that she's been living a lie all this while by playing housewife to her "husband". it's quite explicit but you get the story at the end of it. i imagine it to be quite painful to be in a position like that, to be ostracized by society and have no end to name-calling. not to be able to find a proper job, something legal, something less demeaning. she even wanted to commit suicide at one point.

my family is one of many out there who don't understand that we need to include gays and transvestites into our everyday lives. after all, we are all human, the only difference is how we go about our daily lives. they find it unacceptable that such people roam around freely. frankly, i don't really care for them, i might even laugh at them sometimes. but when you really think about it, they are just trying to make ends meet. just because you're gay, doesn't mean you can survive on that fact alone.

people who say that it's haram, or that it's against religion etc, should be shot. it's hard enough to live feeling awkward and strange, to have people look at you in odd mannerisms all the time, and now you need to shove that kind of ridiculous notions into their heads?
what, you think they don't have enough shit to think about that you need to mess up their heads even more?

get real. don't pretend to be holier-than-thou. it's disgusting.

sawatdeekaa!

it's got to be the groggiest day ever.
nothing beats it, hands down.
i wake up at 8 ish cause my mom insists that i go to the graveyard with the rest
and honestly i was in no shape to even move.
things just started going "bump!" for me
and i fell asleep after breakfast til about one
when i woke up, i finished watching the talented mr.ripley which btw is not a bad movie at all! (:
that was the climax i achieved the ENTIRE DAY.
spent the rest of the time, passing in and out of sleep.
now i'm wide awake, yet to expand my essay.
i'm going to say fuck that shit, i'm too damn malas to do it now
if i'm failing that paper, i'm failing that paper
i'll just take another elective. memang malas to go and figure out facts and stats for it now. seriously.
my entire sunday has been a half-assed one.

on another note, did you know that to learn elementary Thai at Erican( it's a language centre that's quite popular in KL), you have to pay 2.4 K! wtf, daylight robbery! in the space of three months/30 hours, it's a bloody ripoff. i mean, who's deluded enough to pay so much for that!
i'm not la, definitely. it's either you're bleeding rich, or just a nitwit.

it's annoying that there aren't any learning centres that are NOT out to bleed you dry.
dude, not everyone stores gold bricks in their homes.
shouldn't there be other teaching ethics, like the satisfaction of TEACHING?

cukup. i'll do it myself ((:

you know it.

well you've absolutely got to stop being such an eye-catcher
you've probably got a clue or two in your head that you're hot
but boy, you have no idea. no idea at all about how smoking sexy you REALLY are
and yes, that's MY boyfriend i'm talking about.
oh who cares if i'm so perasan
it's not like i gloat about him everyday :P

i also need more kids to tutor at this moment if i am to be able to go for a holiday this year end
one student is just not doing it for me.
why is money such a head-turner?
the instance cash is laid on the table, it's all green-lights.
geez, can we get less money-minded?
sure it makes the world go round
but it's not exactly the way to go about doing things
i hate people who use money as a way to go against someone
got a problem with the rival business? pay up and he's gone.
need some help with some bullies? just take a peep in the bank account and it's a done deal.
materialism will be the death of us all.
me, included. because a tank of petrol can't last a week
and nothing's getting cheaper except that i get less money.
that's the only down when everything else is going up.
it's bullshit and we know it and YET
we worship this little piece of paper.
it has no value at all, except for what the authorities give it.
it's worth nothing but everything at the same time.
how fucking ironic is that.
they tell you, you need to get that LV bag or you won't be looked at the right way.
they say that you need to have a Porsche or it's the end of your social life.
geez man, these days everyone gets robbed of every penny, left right and center that i won't be so worried about getting that Victoria's Secret lingerie for fear i might not even make it to my own doorstep in one piece.
it's all linked, we are just too blind to see it.
oops my mistake, we choose to be blind to it.

argh i could go on forever but i need to get my Hermes coat at the dry cleaners.