ku memang tak kisah kalau kamu cakap benar dengan saya
tapi saya tidak suka ditipu, lebih-lebih lagi apabila saya tidak menyangsi anda.
apakah susahnya jika anda bercakap terus-terang dengan saya?
terguris hatiku bila nampak gambar gambar yang diambil
adakah persahabatan kita tidak penting lagi bagimu?

anyways, if it is what it is, then so be it la.
i'm just disappointed that's all.
but what's new? they always let you down.
fuck it.

it's just the way it goes.

it's supposed to be chinese new year right about... now?
strangely enough it doesn't feel like it used to
reunion dinners where everyone is noisy and bossy
the pitter patter of feet, sticky feet on sticky floors
it's just not the same
but i don't know what changed, i can't put my finger on it
when did it all happen?
somewhere between me leaving high school and being in uni i suppose?
washing dishes after every major family dinner has always been a standing order
but this year, it took awhile for us to back in the groove of just horsing around and talking jack about everything under the sun.
i admit, i was merely pretending to be interested in the conversation.
yes, i'm getting really good at that too.
but it was all done with good intentions.

i don't know you anymore.
i don't think i want to try.
that unshakable belief, it's so strong but at least i can withstand it and still be on my way because i know for a fact, an unmistakable fact that i am, at least, alive today. no longer blinded by what you call "faith".

oh yes, it's depressing. this is supposed to be a joyous time of the year, ushering prosperity and fortune. but it's also the first year where i am completely thrown off by my own actions and words. perhaps it's the flu, but then that's just denial on my part. i can see that everyone else has just about remained in the box, maybe shifted a few chairs and tweaked some buttons here and there.
but i'm outside, looking in.
i don't want to go in. it took me years to get out, and to allow myself to fall into the very same thing that ensnares them all? i don't think so.

i'm not an evil person. but there's only so much one can say to make the rest understand.
i realize i'm not a charismatic person, and really, infiltrating minds is just a job that you automatically do. it doesn't do anything to make you feel better, if anything, it just makes you feel worse.

do you understand what i'm saying?
this rift is too big to repair.
the damage is done.

i bloghop like any other frequently because it's fun and i'm a nosy parker :P
but i think the real reason is just so i know what's going on with you, even if i'm not the first person you'd tell. sometimes i find that you write profoundly, perhaps with a lot of emoticons and phrases i may not know, i see happy smiley people in your photographs, but sometimes you get depressed and annoyed. i pick up my cues from your stories which may or may not be trivial but nevertheless it's about you.

Christmas was here sometime ago, I had a good time but it wasn't the best. you win some, you lose some. i saw your blogs, many of you spent time with family and at church, doing plays or going for midnight service. that reminds me of a time when i did the exact same things, but as of last year i saw my faith slipping away. when i see the photos of your religiously celebrated holiday, i wonder what was it exactly that happened to me. did i lose out on being in the same circle where i grew up in with people of the church or am i just one of the very few people out there who came to realize that religion isn't all there is to life?

that's what i see in my parents. they are caught up with work, and that's normal because it's necessary to survive. and they spend the rest of the time doing charity work for the church, helping out with bazaars, dinners, fund raising events etc.
i used to love being in the midst of it all, being a part of the youth team, going for spiritual camps... that was all good and dandy til one fine day, i met a completely different group of people who saw everything upside down and inside out. it was strange, it was weird, i felt like a social outcast because while i used to be proud for being street-wise, meeting these people was probably the first REAL thing that has ever happened to me. they may not be your regular joes who fit the social stereotype of a jock or a nerd, but while i lived in a world of black and white, theirs had colours of every kind. i was even, to a certain extent, ashamed of myself. of my genuine naivety towards everything. i can't claim i'm all-knowing and knowledgeable now, but i daresay that i'm enlightened by these people and their thoughts with whom i understand.

Buddha's state of mind was to achieve enlightenment, that is to "awaken".
i believe i'm one step closer to that.

i got a splinter from that one.

i cling on you like pandas cling onto trees for life.
but you start to defy my arms and legs
i get scars from when you push me away
so i fall off but i don't leave.

that's just how i feel about some people i got to know.
the ones who stay, i'm ever so thankful.
but the ones who made excuses, who didn't care anymore
who turned into faces i don't recognize
yeah, you pushed me away.
i would have stayed forever.
and you know it.

i wouldn't have left for the world
and yet i hear endless excuses and whatnot about no time, no money, no nothing, no love left for me.
so i'm out in the cold. in the rain.
and you gave up someone who would be with you through thick and thin.
fair weathered friends? i know plenty.
laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone.

i guess people always leave
and it's always hard to accept that.
it's happened so many times, different ways and sometimes they are the same person who came as fast as they left, sometimes it's just someone i didn't think i'd miss, sometimes it's someone i didn't expect to go, mostly i just think of those who left me out.

as insignificant one may be, karma returns to bite.
later on in life maybe, or it could be tomorrow
but nevertheless, i'm glad i never wronged anyone who left.
i had not lied or hurt you, you whom i once cared so much about.
and you've wasted it all and dumped it where you know i'd find it.

i'm still so emo over people who don't care about me anymore because i still think about you sometimes. i think about how we had that barbecue party at the park, when we first tried a cigarette, when we cried together over ex boyfriends who didn't want us anymore, when we got drunk and became the laughing stock of the party. when so many things happened and within that moment, it couldn't be the same if it wasn't you.

you took a little piece of me when you left for good.
i just wonder if you think about me sometimes like i think about you.

game over.

i think it's fairly common that we talk to ourselves.
i just did as i was in the shower, i still am doing it as i am typing this.
a lot of people don't admit that they talk to themselves cause then they'll be labeled crazy.
well that's fine by me, because i think it's perfectly fine to voice out to oneself what he/she thinks at that moment. it could be an idea or rehearsing a part of a conversation you want to be a part of, even just random thoughts like how you would like very much to strangle that lady who gave you the evil eye for wearing that red lacy tube.
oh where am i heading with this?

the point here is, that i was talking to myself in the bathroom 5 minutes ago because i don't want to be a part of the cina-beng community. i saw that happening with my cousin. she studied journalism, a branch of communications, at a private university where it is famous for the multitudes of ah-bengs who go there. now, i've always had relatives telling me that since i'm also interested in this field, not journalism in particular if you must know, i should also attend that university because
#1, she attended that university, therefore it MUST be good.
#2, she has 'graduated' from that university, hence it's a worthwhile experience.
#3, she obtained a government loan for her entire course, so it is easier on everyone's pockets.

well, to all this i say, bullshit.
i don't want to be stuck in some ah-beng land wondering what the fishballs i'm doing in here.
why should i follow your footsteps? just because you're older, supposedly wiser? gosh it's such a joke really. i don't know why exactly i'm on a rant for this, since the topic has closed ages ago among my family members. but this train of thought has led me to the station where it is concluded that all the chinese people that i know, especially my family, are just being mengada. no, seriously. every little detail of everyone's lives are spread out on the dining table, from who did what at the office, to whose fault is it that the washing machine broke down yet again.

i have no right to bash other races when i don't understand their culture, the way things work in their circle etc but when it comes to me, the 1/2 of me that understands how the chinese work, yes i have every right to take to the bat and swing as hard as i can in the faces of one billion chinese people out there.

it's annoying. i don't want to end up studying, working with, living with chinese people who are so closed minded all my life. i saw that happening to my cousin and she's not out there at all. i mean for what it's worth, i've seen and experienced more in my 20 years than she ever will. it's no thanks to the upbringing, where everything that was labeled 'accordingly' and she probably never broke a law. she's picture perfect in everyone's eyes and can do no wrong.

oh puh-lease. spare me the cheese and just bring it on.
a classic example of how much they trust her decisions and opinions is when her parents went away for a short getaway and left her at home. now my grandmother definitely favours her, other than my eldest brother. i don't know what is so special about them, but they are her favourites alright. she used to get twice as much as we do for chinese new year, and sometimes even triple. of course back then, i used to whine like fuck cause she'd get over one k, and i wouldn't even reach a hundred bucks. but i digress, she's home alone and my grandmother wants to check up on her, "oh have you had dinner yet?" bla bla bla... and the thing is, she was also invited to sleep at our place while her parents were away. and that's cool.

BUT SHE SAID NO. *jeng jeng jengggggggg*!
her reason was that she wants to stay at home and study and besides she has got friends coming to sleepover, so no worries darling grandma, she'll be fine.

oh how nice...

so my grandma concedes defeat and tells her, okay darling, take care and be good.
a couple of nights later, the old lady calls up the house and wants to know if she's eaten yet etc.
to HER surprise, not mine definitely, no one answers.
well duh, you didn't actually think she'd be sitting at home, WAITING for your phone call?

geez man, does it take a genius to figure out that by now? fuck you guys are slow.
she ain't no saint. you guys just put her up on a pedestal to make her look gorgeous when all she really is, is human like the rest of us.
and i totally laughed in my grandma's face. i swear.
i was discreet about it, i was politically correct.
but i won an enormous victory that night and i'll never let anyone forget about it.

you see, i don't have a personal vendetta against my cousin.
she's alright y'know.
but my chinese family has had it in their mind to create some sort of rivalry, so that we can compete and see who emerges the winner.
in all our 'contests' so far, i've always lost because i never did give a shit about winning anybody's affections by brown-nosing and licking boots.
it started when we were damn young and it has continued til now.
gimme a break la ok
even if you're not sick of it, i am!
and no one was being fair.
i'm two years younger, damnit!
obviously i lose out on time.
if i may say so, i make up for it with charm and wit and streetwise skills she doesn't have.

still, even with all my bonus features, they aren't happy with the end result.
and after my grandma gave up calling my cousin that night, i could see that she was contemplating about how could her beloved favourite grand-daughter could be someone she never thought she'd be, like me.

sorry to burst your bubble. but damn right i did.

i dislike favoritism, even if it does have it's pros and cons.
it makes us detest one another, breaks sibling relationships and just make things sour.
so fuck it i say.
all this while, you pretend in front of everyone that it's fine and dandy
but inside, you're just burning to tell it all out, that so-and-so's a fat liar, and just have things out in the light instead of always being seen as the underachiever and ridiculed for what we really are.

i never said i would hide, but i don't have a choice.
if i ever told anyone in my family how i really am, what i really do,
chances are they'll just push me further down and ignorance is always blissful in the chinese community.


sungguh mencibaikan.

ignore that voice in your head.

you who invented jealousy must have been a person with too much free time on hand
that there was nothing else to do but to make believe stories in your head
to mislead yourself into thinking about something that wasn't there

i hate being tested, it takes so much effort to be more than what you're capable of.
even if it means that i can do it, it doesn't mean i should have to be placed in such a compromising position. it's simply unfair. and really, i truly hate such situations.
they are awkward, like talking to a good friend who has BO or bad breath
you've got to suck it in and wait til the conversation is over so that you can breathe without asking for permission.

goddamnit.

and of course, the grass always looks greener on the other side, but the shepherd boy says otherwise and to believe him seems to be the foolish thing to do since i believe what i see. and hope against hope you want to believe that the shepherd boy's just looking out for you and obviously he knows best because he's been taking the sheep around that area for years, and now you, a mere tourist wants to tell a seasoned professional what he should do in his own backyard, that his grass is just too damn green? well do the right thing and believe him. find another shepherd and ask for his opinion, he'll tell you the same thing.

i hate being a green eyed monster ):
i really do.
it's no fun being the one who's all worked up over nothing, i believe you i do i do!
it's a nuisance, it's tiresome
it breaks me down, it breaks you do
and it works like a double edged knife.
oh fuck this mossy shit.

surely i have better things to do than to think of irrelevant people, and moments of doubt such as these only work for the worst of us, and i'm determined to beat this son of a bitch.

say it with me now: completely unnecessary *repeat as often as possible*

it's a waste of time and neurons on this matter
because after all, if the shepherd boy lies about it, karma is set to rock and roll
but i digress, women are engineered to be so damn emotional about everything.
it's through no fault of my own that i am made female
this world of constant vanity and comparison makes me ill sometimes.
every sally, belle and mary are out there just waiting to be the next supermodel/actress/celebrity whilst jotting notes on getting slimmer so that they can achieve the anorexic look, which surgeon to go to so that they can get the best deals for nose job/boob job/face lift/botox jab. i mean seriously, going under the knife is just like taking a drive to the supermarket.
all this competition, and you tell me to believe in myself?
honey, you must be living in the stone age!

i'm scared. at the end of it all, i am scared. i'm afraid that one day you would lose that faith in me, and jump ship anyway, i'm afraid that boredom creeps in and it will be over before i know it, i'm afraid that you'd fall for someone else and forget that i ever existed. i'm afraid of 5 million things, but perhaps i should be more afraid of not living as i should, that fear and terror are the only things holding us back from doing what we want to do, and every single probable future plan of mine includes you. if i can't stop thinking about irrelevant things like green eyed monsters, that future would most likely not come true at all.

sungguh mencibaikan.

let bygones be bygones

it just hit me, i've been one selfish brat.
don't get me wrong, it takes a lot of me to admit that i've been mistaken.
especially when it's something that i don't want reminisce about.

maybe in this case, i held on so hard that i forgot what it was like to breathe on my own.
after all, i'm responsible for my own happiness.
i regret (just a little) at the way i handled things at that time.
it was unfair, painful and not to mention, really messy.
stupid gemini children! would it kill you to just speak your mind?

oh fuck it. it's not like i can do anything now to repair the irreparable anyways.

you talk way too much bullshit.

i hate arguing with you
in fact i hate any kind of conversation with you because all you ever do is to make me feel BAD, feel SORRY, feel ANGRY, feel PISSED and eventually i'll cry.
i'm literally speechless when it comes to taking a shot back at your smarty pants one liners.
it's funny, you speak so much of religion and how you found God again.
it's really something, and i admire a belief that's so strong.
but you've used it as an excuse to look down on your own family.
i don't know how it is with you and your friends, maybe it's how the saying goes, "birds of a feather flock together." i don't really care anyway? just that you need to learn how to respect the people whom you grew up with, who took care of you when you were sick, who cook your meals, who wash your clothes, who gave you everything when you asked for it and now you're giving us attitude?

i'm not alone in feeling this way, and i'm glad for it. because that shows i'm not a judgmental person, neither am i someone who only cares for everything else but my family.
i can't even begin to tell you how important my family is to me.
i'd be less than nothing without them, and you've forgotten that all in the sight of your GOD!
pray tell *pun intended*, which God would tell you to forsake your own family?
which supreme being out there would advise you against any respect for those who love and care about you? your devotion to your faith is admirable, only that i think religion is a story made to move millions of hearts, and that everything is a story in itself anyway. your preaching drives me up the wall, because you're so confident that you're right, and that your stance is the only one that should be followed. i don't think i ever knew you as a person, because i look at you now and i just feel empty.

it's sad, i know. but i can't do anything about it because you are so unwilling to let people into your life, you don't share anything with anyone who lives under the same damn roof and it's a pity because you will realise one fine day that you will have lost everything and gained nothing and to come crawling back to this home would be THE day. you think giving up time for your church can make you a better person? sure it does. your fellow church goers would think that you're a devout and pious Christian and that is one side to be proud of, definitely. but you don't see that when you prioritise one thing above everything else, and that there is no balance whatsoever, that you forget to love the hand that feeds you, "bagai kacang melupakan kulit" then you ought to be shot.

i can talk about this the whole night.
i hate that it eats me up inside.
and truly, ignorance is bliss.

p/s: what is the fucking point of asking me when you're gonna do it anyway? you just want to pretend to be polite right? *muka frust nak mati*

have you met him yet?

i've always felt a certain kinship towards him

we met on the 19th of april 08, and i remember so clearly because it was the very day that i also met the better half of me.

goodness knows i always thought of him as a little boy who needed advice and guidance in this big bad world out there, and he turns out to be someone who has seen more, done more than i have at his tender age. i can't quite place where i find the child in him, it could be just me, being a nurturing older sibling figure. there's no love lost between my younger cousins and i anyways.

but back to it, it's a strange feeling.

i've always said this to the lover, that i saw him as someone that i would share a chocolate bar with if it were the last that we had. it's a weird analogy, i know. but does it make sense to you? because it certainly does to me.

i mean i would share a chocolate bar with a lot of people, but he's the first one i'd think of if it were in the right circumstances and etc. well anyways, it's either you get it or you don't.

just that for some unknown, unexplained UFO wtf reason i'm surprisingly fond of him.

i barely know him and yet i look out for him, tell him to stop damaging his body, do what's right, remind him of certain "not-to-do's"... it does sound like i'm being a busybody, like wtf it's none of ur damn business what this guy does, why do you care so much

but you'll get it when you get it.

i think everyone meets someone like that in their life.

someone you think got separated from you from birth, or an old friend you've made in the past.

you just KNOW that it's someone that you know, or at the very least care about enough to give two hoots about their life.

true enough, in reciprocation a couple of weeks after we met, or thereabout, he started telling me stories under some influential products. but i felt honoured that i was the vessel for this.

not so much that the stories were unheard of, but because it was a matter of trust.

believe you me, there were other individuals for the cause, but i like to think that it was more than just plain coincidence.

and so, from there it grew, conversations that were serious, funny, sarcastic, mean etc

bak kut teh sessions that i refused to have when he was away for about a good two months, i gave in anyways.

stoning times to be just floating away in space

i'm glad to have met him.
cheers mate ;)

rainy days

fuck this shit
oh no that was just random
just like that
but i'm craving for a little bit of everything
i miss steve!
i miss my pop
i miss jack
i miss ex colleagues
i miss ramly burger
i miss that chee cheong fun i used to eat twice a day
i miss the peanuts
i miss happy days
i miss sad emo days? wtf
ah fuck it i just miss every damn thing/person/animal @_@

i'm trying to be pro by getting copies of the republic, nicomachean ethics nia ma i can't pronounce THAT! but rest assured tree huggers, all that paper ain't going to waste
maybe one day i'll eventually understand everything this bearded dude(s) talked about
but til then let me be content with confusing myself upside down with their many many words ((: