Creep

my phone rang. and then it was just a missed call. I called back and said hey, i haven't heard from you in a long time. Yeah, i just thought of calling to say hello but I wasn't too sure if you'd want to hear from me. My partner looks at me witheringly and I bid you goodbye, speak soon, the usual conversation ending bits. Who is that? Why is he calling? Why? Why? And I just clam up. What do I say? The truth? Some lies? Well, this person saved me. I was on the verge of falling in a depressing dark dank ditch. This man, gave me his time and tried his very best to be with me. To just keep me company. He never asked any questions, never asked for anything in return. We never spoke of 'love', because it was a different feeling. 'Love' was for dizzy couples, high on adrenaline and can't stop kissing the other. It was far from it. I'd say affection and a genuine care for my well-being. He accepted my flaws and thoroughly enjoyed my company. He respected my decisions. Which is so much more than I can say for some people that I know today. I regret that I broke his heart, I regret that I wasn't able to reciprocate in the way he deserved. the typical story is as such 'it's not you, it's me.' Some days, I wonder how is he doing, and I know I can call and just say hello. But I suppose it's better to leave the buried Pandora's box where it is.

All of the lights

Please draw a comparison chart and have a look at where your time goes and what activities you may be doing. Clearly, if you're placing X time in Y activity, you'd want the same in return. folks, who invests cotton candy and waits around for gold bars? I look at how relationships fail and how they are all inevitably doomed. It's rather depressing but I suppose it's hope that keeps some of it going. Horribly cynical, but what's left to give? It's so easy to say, hey i'm yours. but what really demonstrates that is an action. or two. what you put on your list of things to do, is what you have the heart to do. what you don't have on the list, in my opinion, isn't important anyway. also, i give too much shit and really need to organize my priorities. i hate getting the shorter end of the stick. i despise being the kind of lumpy sack of tofu that you are free to mold when you decide to give a hoot about me. fuck it, hand me a beer and put some music on.

I need to write this shit down because I can then analyse what is in my subconscious.

She must have had met him previously at some party. One of those awkward moments she doesn't really know what to do when at a party alone. He spotted her though and struck up small talk, easing his way into her phone. Smart move, I see what you did there. He called and she was out with her friends. Going barhopping downtown with the boys and girls, why? I'd like for you to come around and hang out with me for a bit. Sure thing, I'll tell you where to meet, she said. And so she had a good time with the usual suspects. Her partner isn't always keen to party together. Well, I understand as much. Walking along the streets like a bunch of fools strapped together at the waist. He gets down from his chauffeured ride and catches up with them. Girl, you ready to go? She smiles and says goodbye. She gets in the car and realizes that there's someone in the front seat that she doesn't recognize. He doesn't say anything either, just a glare. Well, we're off to a good start. The driver is a friendly face and starts chatting about random facts. (here's where it gets fuzzy). She asks about dinner, and had her words trampled over by Mister Sourface. They arrive at a place that resembles the Coliseum, and head straight to the room. A movie is playing and she settles in bed. Sourface takes place on the couch without any notice. She wasn't sure what to say, so nothing is best. He gets in bed and starts doing work-related things, i.e. scroll down smartphone for emails, reply messages etc. At some point, engrossed in the film, he sidles over and says that he needs it. Of all awkward moments, this takes the cake. Sorry, I really don't think I can tonight. Actually more I can never do you. He curls up with rejection and now, well you'd better go. Yes I think I should. Well you need to make plans for your friends next weekend right? Touche. She leaves, stumbling across the dark room. Concierge sends up a lady who announces departure times and that the car will arrive two hours later. Heading downstairs, she seeks for a loo, and finds the staff toilet. A girlfriend was in the next cubicle and they start talking about anything else but. They head out and reach the dining table. But my family is here, so this is fucking weird. What are my parents doing here as well having a meal? Why this restaurant of all places? Doesn't even make sense. Well, sit down and have something. But she's afraid that he'll come down with his son (!) and have dinner here too. Dilemma diamonds. I suppose there's no hiding what's happening or what had happened or what was supposed to happen but didn't. I'm still intact. He really does show up with his son and wife (!) But hey, no awkward moments. She really liked chatting with him, who knew he could have so much baggage? Well, this had to end. She got up to leave. A midget was trying to shelter her kid from the drizzling shower outside. Here, let me help you out. Walking to the car was tedious, wrong shoes taken in the dark. The chauffeur drives past, hey what happened? i was going to come and get you two. Sorry, it just didn't work. It wasn't what I wanted. She was ready to just explain everything but her family is calling. Here, let me key in your number. Why are there so many digits? My phone is busted. So is mine. How will we contact? gaddamnit i can't remember my own number. how well..... I woke up with the first four numbers I think, 0173.

It's late. I should be asleep. It's been rather exhausting, the past week and I am feeling empty. The talk of change, of loss, of damage. I am not entirely whole because I had to sacrifice and there isn't any true valid return. But escaping is temporary relief. Delving right into this painful mess is not my first option. Maybe at some point I'll feel better. maybe there are other losses greater than mine. It would be unfair to compare. After all, there isn't a benchmark to begin. It doesn't have to include time and effort to develop a connection. It was just inexplicable, the tenderness and reciprocating was everything. Now I need to pretend that it never happened. It cuts too much to linger, everyday. I get to keep the memories but that's all that remains.

So I've been having hideous dreams for the past week. I don't remember all of them. There was one where my father died and I was inconsolable. Naturally. And I woke up and my day was ruined anyway. I didn't know how to save the rest of my waking hours. Like a zombie, minus the tattered clothes and oozing goo, I was just a massive blur. No, I haven't been alright. I don't want to talk about why I'm not alright. I just resent this moment, because it's irritating and gloomy. i feel like a sack of melted trash. But even melted trash has some sort of form, some scent to identify that it's trash. I lack even that. That's a new low I discovered of late, in me. In any case, I wanted to jot down this dream before I forget entirely about it. Apparently, you forget 90% of your dream within the first 10 minutes of waking up. So, folks. I could just be making it up as I go along. For some reason, I was in a junky Nissan/Honda. And I had stopped by my house (which isn't my house in real life) to pick up the kitty. I co-owned a cat that loitered in my back alley for a couple of months. She belonged to someone else but I took her as partially mine anyway. I picked her up, she's nameless by the way. And I drove to the airport. I'm not sure if airports allow pets in the vicinity but no screws given. So, I hug her and cradle her between my shoulder and elbow and walk through what looks like KLIA. She starts digging into my shoulder and she starts to look more like Hank. And then I become sad because it's not him. So there really isn't a replacement for what is lost. I walk further and come across a group of pilgrims who look like they are on the way to Mecca. They wanted to pray and had laid out their prayer mats. As I was standing there watching them get on their knees, it occurred to me, I am in the way of the kiblat. I stride off but feeling slightly confused because there should be suraus in the airport, right? Here is the conflict of which I am not certain. What does it mean to give up something dear in exchange for something else? Except that there's no guarantee of any affection. Would you love me less if I did otherwise? I can feel my resentment building and it is heavy. One day, you will lose something very dear and you'll be able to relate what it felt like to be here. Frankly, 2012 seems like a huge up and a huge down, simultaneously. I haven't felt any middle ground in awhile now and I can't remember what that is like.

我不明白你说什么

Apakah lagi persoalan tentang perasaan yang tidak terhingga?
Saya pasti jikalau, ditanyakan kepada para pembaca, pelbagai jawapan akan ditemui.

Tidak sah lagi, jika prasangka selalu wujud di celah-celah pertalian yang dianggap suci.

i'm just trying to revive a language I no longer practice in my daily life.
I hosted a friend of mine who recently visited from the Netherlands for a weekend.
More than happy to just take her around for food trips and a decent night out, I asked if she would mind visiting 'Glutton's street' in Pudu.
I visit the street myself quite frequently and never had to rely on signage or menus to order my favourite bowl of noodles. But I was stumped when I couldn't explain to my friend what was a certain stall selling, or what drinks were available other than the usual sodas.

I think it was between such moments, that I'm actually thoroughly handicapped.
My friend asked, out of curiosity, why is is that I can converse in Cantonese and a fair bit of Mandarin but not be able to read and write?
Maybe it's a little of a curse for many Malaysians. I know of many peers who are just like myself. But it's not the best possible way to get about when we might visit a place like Taiwan or China, countries that have many bilingual citizens but with many more directions and signs in Chinese.

Maybe my friend had a different perspective (I never did ask her further as to why she brought it up in the first place, I was thoroughly shy of my shortcomings), that her idea of someone who could speak should definitely be able to write and read that particular language. I spotted a slight confusion in her expression, but more than that, I saw disappointment in my flaw.
I couldn't even explain to her properly that i grew up in a household that spoke English, Malay, and Chinese, all properly thrown in sometimes for a good 'rojak'.

I definitely need to get it on an urgent 'to-do' list for Mandarin classes.
there's no words to express my regret for dropping out of my tuition classes when I was in primary school. I remember cooking up all sorts of ridiculous excuses so that I could have a blissful, Chinese-free afternoon. Stomach-ache, fever, flu etc. You name it, I said it.

So my father relented and said okay, you can have it your way but you'll regret it.
Fathers are almost always right (:

Anyway, it's never too late (i hope!) for my regret to be transformed into a slick tongue rattling off maxims like I've always had them in me.

yolked.

i've wandered a little farther this time and forgot about this space of mine.

Singapore was refreshing and squeaky clean. The last time around when I paid a visit to that city, was 3 years ago and spent all of 30 hours. I was there for Maroon 5, a lot of drinks and more hours clocked in for the bus rides than to sightsee.

Now it's a burgeoning concrete jungle. Construction ongoing in many areas, residential and commercial alike. I think i was more irked because of the many laws, you know me best if you know what i'm talking about.
(on a sidenote, i still censor myself here, which is irritating)

Leonard has the patience of a meditating monk (i'm thankful he's grown his hair out)
and listens to my ramblings, something i tend to do when i'm in a new place, awkward 'tourist' sticking out.

one occurrence that happened a few days ago really gave me a reality check, whether I asked for it or not, if it was necessary or otherwise is besides the point here.
I think for as long as I've lived, which isn't such a long time anyway, I've tried to be self-reliant as much as possible. emotional support from my family is quite important and it helps with my dipping confidence.

*vent begins* so when i want to do something, i usually share it with my friends and try to gain some feedback. if it's positive and encouraging, i am grateful. if it's negative, i will question why and rethink my venture.

as much as possible, if i have nothing nice to say, i wouldn't say it. there's no point raining on someone's parade, unless it's constructive criticism. and this is when it is asked for. i would give my opinion, nothing more.

you outdid yourself on an account that wasn't your responsibility. i would appreciate your silence. when it was necessary for you to speak, you chose to keep your lips sealed. i don't want anything to do with someone who doesn't believe in me, i don't want you in my life, sticking your nose where it clearly doesn't belong. how dare you call me 'unambitious'? you do not have the slightest clue what i do with my life. and if that's the case, you are not entitled to your opinion.

i cannot begin to state how angry and silent your callous statement made me.
i spoke about it to my partner and he placed it in a different perspective for me.
that, if someone should feel that i am not ambitious, a family member who is so free with words, surely unknowing of the consequences of the words, then take it as a motivation to be more.

motivation doesn't have to come from something that you like.

so yes, i was absolutely livid, and crushed that my flesh and blood would say that to my face. with no support of evidence or reason. all because i was relating that a friend of mine lives in a very expensive residence, and that i could not bring myself to imagine having a 7 figure balance in my bank book right now.

my youth stretches a distance with my dreams and desires. it doesn't mean if i can't imagine it now, that i would not be able to achieve it.
so thank you, for bringing me down so that i can rise up and in the process, beat you at everything.

you've said that i'm 'lost' for my supposing lack in religion. it's been said one too many times that religion is personal. my relationship, if you would care to ask before shooting your mouth off, with god(s) is private. it's mine. if you're interested, i would explain. just for the simple fact that you are now devout and pious, doesn't give you the right to act as if it's your duty to tell people that they are 'lost'.

i think this is where i say to you, i am disappointed beyond belief.
i don't expect you to be anything to me, nothing to me. as far as i'm concerned now, you and i have all of two things in common, the same last name and the same parents.
\

anyway, i'm just about done with this half-baked draft. i returned more than a week later, my other brother got married today (11/10/11) and my partner had his university convocation.

it's bittersweet. for two men, whom i care about most dearly, have had a chapter opened and a chapter closed. i'm extremely happy and sad. sad because there's an inexplicable sense of separation and distance. marriage doesn't necessarily mean there would be a closer knit in a family, in this instance, I welcome an older 'sister' with all my heart, but I also can't help but to feel that the life as I have known it has been rocked. a slight destabilizing decision, the 'I do' uttered and then we are overwhelmed with physical affection for each other in that happy moment, when we want that fairytale to happen.

perhaps also in this lopsided emotional state, i have mentioned to my parents, who have supported my actions and choices thus far in life, to retract the evil plastic card. to impose upon yours truly, a strict financial no-frills number.
it means, to be truly tight in the pockets of my faded jeans and monochrome tank tops. it's a challenge, i must admit. because i realize i have been just absolutely spoiled. how did this come about? from a distant figure that silhouetted the devil-may-care attitude about the finer things in life, i must have morphed into a grotesque version of wanting it all. i don't know where that came from.
i also don't like it.

here's to counting the pennies, and making way to find a richer substitute than the pleasures that money cannot buy.

i am likely to continue somewhere in this vein because it's all been rather messy.
rather for the opinion of a random passerby, i'd like to look back and remember here, that i once felt such and such an emotion, however fleeting, however deep, with regards to whom it may (or may not) concern, for whatever reason that cannot be described. i think words, they say too much of what we don't intend for them to say. also, i forget, too easily.

i hope i remember enough about Singapore the next time i'm here.

Bridesmaids

I wouldn't pay to watch a rom-com Hollywood slapstick. My partner said we've got free tickets and so we went. It was just embarrassing to watch, I felt excruciating pain for all the ladies in the film. Apparently it's like 'The Hangover' but the female version. Perhaps it's just for note-taking purposes, but i definitely wouldn't want to have the headache of a lifetime before getting married. the female lead did a good job fucking things up for herself, it wasn't necessary for anybody else to dip their sticky fingers in her mess. put 5 women together on a team to throw an awesome party, you end up with a million and one problems, with issues to boot. so lesson learnt. just hire male strippers or elope.

Hanna

I was slightly disappointed with the ending. But Sairose Ronan and Cate Blanchett delivered. It's a film I'd probably not watch again, because there wasn't a really strong message. It was two people trying to kill each other for a mistake that occurred a long time ago. It would have been much more satisfying to have Hanna go on her own way and just live. Genetically modified human beings are always being made out to have less feelings, Sairose embodied that enough to make it believable.

The Rainmaker

Matt Damon. One of his earlier works, he didn't do much running (trivia: just realized it the other day to the common agreement of some friends that Damon does run a fair bit in his later works)
Anyway, The Rainmaker was the struggle between the corporate demons and the do-gooder. The ending was to be expected, and I know I'm probably repeating myself here, but I'm always rooting for Matt Damon. In my books, he could do no wrong. In each role he takes on, I'm cheering him with as much inner fangirl energy as I can muster.
I was a little afraid that he may have to pay for beat the crap out of that wife-beater. But Claire Danes is a damsel in serious distress, I suppose anybody would do the same.

One man against a legion of devils in suits. I'd watch it again for the feel-good factor.

Black Swan

Amidst all the hoo-ha, I caught Black Swan based on my best friend's recommendation. I never did work very well with psycho thrillers, I was creeped out half the time and was struggling to keep myself together throughout the film. I did manage to finish it and I thought the end was fitting. A certain sick obsession was clearly magnified in the story and it served its purpose to portray Portman in a difficult light. The accompanying music was just right, fitting in gaps of silence. The inner maniac snagged a little spot in my heart, a struggle to be perfect. I thought it was magic when she died. A bittersweet surrender when the curtains fall.

No Strings Attached

Natalie Portman is a goddess in Hollywood. She's beautiful and talented.
She blew me away in V for Vendetta and Closer.
I do question if she was really the one for Thor.
And I finally hit a brick wall when I caught her in No String Attached with Ashton Kutcher. It's not working for me, not in the least. Her role as an emotionally unavailable character was painful to watch. This is knowing that she can deliver so much more. I didn't fall for the scenes that pictured her vulnerable and needy.
Maybe she's trying to venture into other genres, buying the crowd favourite of rom-coms. She remains a personal favourite and I wouldn't be so easily swayed by one film.
I do hope her next choices would be mind blowing.

127 Hours

James Franco was more than believable here. There's much to be said about make-up and acting like you're really in pain. He made me believe he was really cutting his arm. I know it's based on a true story and I admire the man who had to go through that intense period of time. Perhaps that's how it feels like to have your world crumble.
My gripe with the film is that it was just too frickin' long. The wait for him to just do the deed was way too long. I almost couldn't wait for the movie to end. I watched it knowing how it was going to end, because clearly interviews with the author had been conducted and we see that he survived the ordeal so obviously in the film, he's going to live as well. I just wanted to get on with it.

I liked how there were scenes for a little peek into hallucinating, illusions etc.
I took one lesson from the film, just leave a note when you go somewhere. It could save a lot more than an arm.

Tron Legacy

i found the show to be just boring. Sure, there were action scenes, an amazing soundtrack, a hot chick, a hero to save the day and a bad guy to boot. That sounds like a recipe for nothing short of amazing. But it fell short of my personal expectations.
I started off optimistic with raving reviews from my friends, but the double body entity, Jekyll and Hyde scenario was rather bland. How did the father live in the alternate reality, surviving his alter ego who wants to kill him? Where do we get hints about the arcade? and what about the father's friend? when the girl goes into the real world, how is she going live? seriously, what the fuck?

thinking about the movie is pissing me off. i'm just gonna say, i don't like it. and i'm never watching it again.

Another Year (2010)

I caught this film more than a month ago. I want to write about it before I forget any more fragments.

I didn't fancy it. There wasn't a real plot. It was an effort to feel some emotion for the characters, but I was bored and I couldn't really sympathize or fall in love, be scared or feel embarrassed. I felt a little bad for the single girl, who was clearly desperate to feel like she belonged somewhere. And definitely, her actions were less than suitable. But the conclusion to the whole plot was less than desirable.
I'm not a sucker for wonderful happily ever afters, or a tragic ending. But this is no cliffhanger and I'm left in between, wondering what was the whole point of the show in the first place. Whose shoes should I fill temporarily? One half of the blissful couple, or the son who is finally hitched? The brother who lost his wife, or the nephew who is a douche? The sad friend who doesn't have a single soul to turn to? Maybe I'm one of those people who really can't relate to a character in this film, but I thought that was the whole point of putting something on the silver screen; that people may connect and understand they aren't the only ones here.

Mambo Jambo

I'm losing the tickle in my throat for a beer. Or any other form of alcohol.

I caught 'Revolver' this afternoon, I knew I had watched it before. The familiar scenes, clipped script and Statham in a comfortable role.
It was nothing particularly memorable, I should now state here that I will not watch it again. Towards the last 15 minutes, I was too distracted surfing the net. No attention was paid to the drawing of curtains. Oh, well.

I watched 'Limitless' last night, I think it's the first time I've seen DeNiro opposite a leading man who said that he'd have to be his bitch. DeNiro, somebody's bitch? In my 20th century mind, DeNiro reigns. He's the boss, period. Otherwise, the story was pretty interesting. I half-hoped that Bradley Cooper would just die and end the story. Instead, it was a happily ever after. That annoyed me a little. If truly such a drug existed, I think I'd be hooked on it too. I really enjoyed the art direction, it was spiffy and not overdone. It seemed like we hallucinated together, the beauty is knowing exactly how it feels like. Some of us do :p

I also watched 'The Adjustment Bureau'. I definitely liked the storyline. This time around, I wanted Matt Damon to fight for the happy ever after. He's a character I think I will always root for, regardless of the cause. You can't help feeling like he needs all the support and love you can give him. I should get the book, it's interesting enough onscreen, i reckon the book can't be worse?
There was nothing too impressive about the cinematography, it was the acting that made it for me (:

Cookie bits

I think it's a good habit to write down what I think about every movie. There's just too many movies I've watched but never really placed my opinion here and then I end up watching them again, which translates to a double waste of my time if the movie was bad, i.e. Troy.

I have also come to realize that I place an enormous amount of faith in IMDB. I trust it's ratings and it's recommendations. I don't question the reviews or the rankings.
Maybe it's just according to the majority and so I take their word for it.
Perhaps they are wrong and I've been misled about it this whole time.

I should just watch what I want to, regardless of the many opinions other people have about a certain film. I'm quite sure there are people who would disagree with my thoughts as well. I would very much welcome a discussion about a film, because then I'd be able to understand better.

In other news, I feel quite neglected. It's probably just the lack of some personal time and I must say, I am quite fond of being taken care of in every aspect. Just lately I don't feel like anything I've done has been reciprocated. Perhaps I'm just a little sensitive about the matter, and I won't say a word about it. truly, it's also quite hard to please me and i'd be disappointed in myself if i were to demand of anything or to place more pressure than as already at hand. i must understand that in order to be happy, i need to sacrifice something. and that i must learn to walk in the shoes of another. for all i know, it could be very depressing to be you.

to myself, a gentle reminder; that there is no obligation from the other party to do anything whatsoever for you. it's a free world and there aren't any strings attached. so move the fuck along and just be happy. your happiness depends on yourself, not on somebody else and what they have to offer. it's a bonus if there's anything more to what it is presently. likewise, don't be a fool and let people take advantage of you.

London Boulevard

Colin Farrell never struck me as an actor to be reckoned with. He was mostly talked about by acquaintances and friends as a sex symbol. I doubt I have ever watched a single movie of his and taken it seriously. London Boulevard was rather boring although I didn't expect Mitch to die. There was a love story, hugely undeveloped. A complicated friendship that ended in death. Some violence, and I couldn't wait for it to be over.

I wasn't particularly convinced about the plot, and the implied gore was quite overdone. I did enjoy the sets and locations. I've always imagined London and their people to be as portrayed. It wasn't really worth my hour and a half.

The Wrestler - Mickey Rourke

I couldn't help but sympathize with Randy. Mickey Rourke did a brilliant job portraying a wrestler who's fallen from grace. It was legitimate enough for me to believe that he truly was trying to make good with everything that went wrong. He was human and made his fair share (or more) of mistakes. There was respect from his peers and colleagues in the industry, long after his time. Regardless of whether it was fake or sincere, it was the only place he ever found some solace in. There's not much said about his past, but clearly there was a broken home with a daughter that he tries to reconnect with. It seemed like there was hope for a reunion at one point but that failed. And along with it, he gave up and never looked back. I loved the hook at the end. The final scene was one of closure, he returned to what he loved best all his life. he gave everything for it and every single ounce of strength to give a good show, to end it all on the stage that gave birth to the fame and faded glory.

The past life that was lived with recklessness and ambition has been reduced to a painful existence, struggling to keep up with the Joneses.
I think a realization really hits home when there are comparisons with age and youth.
Because time is no longer on your side, and a comeback in a competitive field is one that chooses to slowly flay your life.

I liked how Aronofsky made it so that each time Randy tweaked with his hearing aid, there would be an audio blip to mirror it. It was something that I may have previously overlooked but the significance of that singular act was special and it made this film all about Randy.

New York

I've probably caught 20 movies between the last post and today.
Just felt like I had to write something about Gangs of New York.
I can't say that I'm really familiar with films and its various genres. But it's intriguing that someone thought to make a movie out of this book. True, it's a loose adaptation so it's considered an original screenplay. I'm not usually so fired up to find out about the roots of a movie. I felt that there was a particular nitty-gritty fire about the characters and their convictions. I'm not a huge fan of Cameron Diaz and i'm going to try to put that aside while placing my thoughts here.

I'm particularly stunned by Daniel Day-Lewis, hereafter DDL because double-barreled surnames are simply taking up more time than space for me. I don't think I've watched anything he acted in, and after a look up on wikipedia, I understood why. This man hardly acts. Not because he doesn't have the skills or time or talent, but he simply just chooses to do what he wants to do. And reading his profile is a little painful, I must admit. Being in character on AND off set is both admirable and unimaginable.

I couldn't help but to gasp at his list of nominations and accolades for ONE movie. I will make it a point to watch the other films, hopefully when I get better internet speeds or when DVDs are more affordable.

Frankly, I wasn't too sure how the movie would end. It wasn't the sweet ending that Hollywood is most famous for. I'm glad Scorsese delivered a fitting finish. I was sad when the Butcher died, there's no other way around it though. Out of the thousands of people who must have been employed for the film, I wish I had the opportunity to have been a part of it. It amazes me, sweeps me in awe at times when I watch films that requires scores of people, flooding masses of people on the set.

It's too big for me to imagine. Likewise, the subtle themes and underlying messages of this film has escaped me for a little while. I wish I had a better way to phrase my summary of the film. It touched me, it moved me, and I was, for a moment or two, slightly torn between the Butcher and Vallon.

It was as if I had to choose a side, but the difficulty lay in wanting peace to settle down. Peace that never really belonged to New York in 1863 anyway.