lies.

you don't know what it's like to be cramped in a train full of strangers trying to jostle and hustle
push, shove, and make their way thru
don't make promises you can't keep.
and you had an extraordinary ride if you had people offering you seats
because guess what?
they normally don't give a shit.
it's only because you have some status.
+_+
try being a CITIZEN
not a damn royal "holier than thou" being

i hate all this shit.

wait for me.

i was this close to crying outside a club last night
for that moment it felt like i was really losing him.
not to anyone in particular, but just lost as it is.
this has happened before, my little inch of holding back
that pretty much messes things up.
i'm glad he's my raft to hold on to.
anyone else would have given up.
i will not let you down.
i will try my ultimate best to keep you with me, and me with you.

this isn't one of those "for fun" things.
it never was.
from when i first met him til now.
i'm just afraid of being serious.
i still am afraid.
but it's too late for fear.
i signed up for this, and i'm willing to take it.
just hold on.
i'll be right there. all 110% of me.

understand that i don't see you as someone i can replace.
irreplaceable.
i can't buy, bargain, rent another you.
and i don't want to.
remember, i got the best fucking deal in the world.
i believe there's good days and bad days.
and to quote, "so what if we had 3 bad days, we'll have 77 good ones to come." (:

you are the island and i, the boat.
i don't want to dock anywhere else.

i love you.
if i ever lose you, i will lose it.

cramped/

it's not like i don't love you.
i do, but you make it hard for me to even try.
and of course, the harder i try, the harder it gets.

technically, you don't own me.
i don't own you either.
if i followed every single rule that was laid out in the book,
wouldn't i be just like everyone else?
or rather, wouldn't i just become someone i've always been fighting not to be?

i care about you
but at the end of it, i care about myself and what i want the most.
and so do you.
don't you dare deny it.
it's human nature.
i don't blame you

but it's not what we'd be happy with.
to be frank, i'd rather just be alone.

i am miserable
and suffocated.
you are scared
and dominating.

if at one time i felt like i could share everything with you
i regret that now
it is obvious that if there's anything i say at all
you take it with doubt
suspicion

you want complete control over everything i do or say
my mind is my own.
your reasons do not stand valid
culture has shaped you that way.
but it does not mean that it is accepted by everyone.
least of all, by me.

letting me go doesn't mean i'll leave you forever.
your grip is hurting me
and i resist to bite

i'm finding a way to claw out of this.
i only ask that there is space to grow
right now, the only space i see is the space you want to stuff me back in.

today was different.
tomorrow will be different too.
it's nothing out of proportion.
but i think more than that, it's an experience.

perhaps all this while
i've been hiding in this dark hole
shielding my eyes away from what could be everything and more than you'd expect it to be?

i run through all the roads and rivers of this country.
the wind, the grass beneath my feet
the clouds and the rain above me
i smell dewdrops on the leaves those trees grow

where does it all go?
to where no man alive has been before.

i cry the tears you don't deserve.
and everything comes back.
but you, you can delve into nothingness
and be forgotten.

i see people all around me
teasing and slow
everyone's dancing but no one is.
i see you in my mind.
there's no one else but me and you.

i dance like i'm alone in the forest.

slap the mofo's face.

oh no you didn't
seriously you need a tight slap in the face.
and maybe you need to get robbed of your handphone and money, etc.
just maybe.

have you heard the words coming out of your mouth?
how fucking arrogant you sound like?
shit, your nose is so high up there i can't even see the tip of it.
why do i put up with people like you?
because your friend is nice.
correction, your FRIENDS are nice.
you, on the other hand, you are one sorry excuse of a guy.

listen, why i chose to put "have sex" up there along with that list is my own damn business. what the fuck has it gotta do with you or your fucking narrow minded piece of ass? NOTHING. absolutely nothing. so shut the fuck up and get back to where you came from cause it's pretty damn obvious you haven't gotten enough education. oops my bad, you came to college for education right? sure looks like you ain't getting any. and besides, haven't you heard? sex sells. period. what the fuck's your problem? your head too far up your asshole you can't think properly?
just because you can't come up with awesome ideas like that doesn't mean other people can't.
and what business is it to you if i've had sex before or not?
man, i feel stupid for not giving it to you in your face right there and then.
you think you're so fucking smart.
well you know what, i totally knocked your presentation over.
BOWLED OVER.
please go back to your country or do us all a favour and die off.

sometimes i wonder if i'm too nice.
i think i am. that's why you walked all over me the other day.
well mister, i'll have you know this much.
you don't come from malaysia.
you don't know how it works here.
your father may be some big time dude somewhere on that continent,
but you sure aren't anything here but a tourist.
what's that you said? student visa?
kiss my scrawny ass.
if you aren't careful about what you're shooting your mouth around about
you might just end up as a laborer.
yeah, that won't be looking any good to your chick would it?
after all, she'd be looking to get some, and if you ain't giving it to her
she'll get some other dick to suck on.
so seriously, even if i can take your shit,
it doesn't mean other people can.
or the fact that they will.
cause there are other people who can't take fucking shit like that.

get a life and some manners. or just wilt away.
i'm completely disgusted by your swagger, attitude and most of all the fact that you think you're so damn hot. nigga please. you look fucking ugly. you hear me? FUCKING UGLY.
i'm just glad this is the last week of class.
i won't have to see you, hopefully for the rest of my time in college.

once, twice, thrice.

you know when i think the cheating starts?
it's when it gets emotional
not physical.

when the third party gets you where it matters
they pick at that little sore spot you got there on your heart
when it's not so much about who's hot and who's not
it's tough to stay true when that happens

it's then that it starts to get real messy
when they get inside your head, your heart
they don't even need to be in your pants.

everyone's had a situation like that.
it's how they handle it that makes all the difference
you can give in, and break your lover's heart
you can suck it in and just forget that person ever existed
should have, could have, would have.

it's tough making decisions like those.
even tougher when it was right in the palm of your head and you didn't take it because you knew your conscience would kill you for it and yet there's so much of you that wanted to because there wasn't going to be another opportunity like this again.

people come and go.
sometimes they return.

four walls.
again. i'm going to hang myself.
goodbye world.

why do they like doing this to me?
isn't it bad enough that i don't get to go to bangkok?
and that i can't even go for a movie marathon?

why do i have to fight so hard for freedom that is mine?
it gets embarrassing, when i'm at so-and-so's house and i have to excuse myself by 10pm because the people at home can't sleep.
omg it's so za dou i don't even know what to say to that.


so we're at hartamas one saturday evening
people i haven't seen in maybe a year?
people i don't talk to a lot
people i'm pretty much alright with
it's a farewell. but proper goodbyes shouldn't be said at such a place, at such a time.
it seems a happy occasion but truly, it's one of those things that make you realize this could be it. this could be the end of it all.
and with that, maybe there's also a new beginning.
maybe not for me, but for everyone else there that night.

is it a crime to want?
not like i would ever have.
it's the intention that matters.