dreamcatcher.

Watching the Truman Show for the first time, gave me a little insight.
Not much, but just enough to understand the frayed edges of deception.
It had entertainment value and there will be an essay question based on the movie for my Media Studies paper on Monday. What wouldn't I give to be able to skip this dratted subject? but really, that movie was absolute brilliance. and i'm left wondering if it's even possible to do so. to place someone's life as the reality of how we've always lived. it's cruel and naive to think one wouldn't want to escape. anything's got to be better than what we've known it to be. or even if it isn't better, it's got to be different! isn't that the whole point of living? to be different and to challenge what we already know? we can't already know everything.


i grieve for the Trumans of this world who close the door on the truth.
and i salute the Trumans who bid the audience 'good morning, good afternoon, good evening and good night' to find something beyond that wall of clouds.

i read some Kerouac after the movie, and I must say, I want to know what is it like to have some San Francisco blues. Because I haven't tasted anything other than the waters of my own backyard where I can't tell the difference in the texture, the clarity or weight. For all I know, it could have been the same all this while, all waters in all bodies of water. But I need to know that for myself. the major and minor keys, if any at all.

You laugh, scoff, dust and walk away from the dreams I care to share.
Perhaps you're the one who would stand in the way of my jet plane.
I'd welcome you aboard. I just hope you can help me build this ambition, strengthen the hope instead of breaking the light or pulling the brakes.

idiot.

Super bitching post. i need to get this out of my system, PLEASE.

so i think you're really nice and i wouldn't mind being an acquaintance.

but please. what are you? 15? what the fuck is up with lovey dovey posts up on FB?

goddamnit, not everybody needs to proclaim their love every beating moment.
yes you probably think i'm jealous, or just hating on you for no reason.
girl, you just gave me a MAJOR reason to get your face out of my way.
besides, what's the big deal? i love you la, you love me la. come on man.
if you were in a long distance relationship, i totally get it. but hell, you are in each other's faces ALL DAY LONG. honey i believe you need to BREATHE!
i am truly thrilled at your happiness and joy bla bla bla
but you need to get a fucking grip. it's so overly done, it's disgusting.
i feel like throwing up when i come across a photograph or a post.
other people EXIST too! can you not act like you're the only girl in the world?
i actually feel slightly sorry for singletons because i know how amazing it is to be in love but please don't flood the newsfeed with something everyone already knows! it's irritating!

i'd like to see how you'd react if i did the exact same thing.

so back the fuck down and chill out.

allow me to give in.

It's magic, when it happens. There are millions of people in between us, yet when we spoke, it was nameless, without status. i feel humbled and small under your gaze.
but we shared, just what we can, what time would allow in that moment.

the sudden rush of words, the difficulty to grasp accents, the gestures, and mostly we knew that despite the years between us, we found a voice in the other.

we belonged to each other's world, a space reserved for the faceless. even though I could never imagine what sort of life you lead in your plane and vice versa.

I'll summon the courage to speak to you when we meet. I'll keep my fears locked, and immerse my mind in yours. Even if we never cross paths again, I know we existed in that place and time.

i hope that it will be on a train from Pondicherry to Kerala. or whilst sipping a cappucino in Florence. it could be when we've landed at Rio, or drifting along the Mekong. I don't mind sharing the skies of Alexandria, or the seas of Ibiza.

I hope you will feel exactly how I feel now, because it's beyond words where this could take me.

i already know how our souls will spark the fire within us.

something like it.

hello, beautiful. i just felt like that was sort of appropriate, somehow needing to greet you, a repository for all my feelings, where i write at my happiest and lowest.
this is make or break week for me. i'm officially ruined academically if i can't make it through to hand up all my assignments.

yes, and i'm still here because for once, i'm yearning to tell you, that i, i am nothing more than just a mere shadow of the giants that walk next to us but if you'd let me, i would be a little more each passing day.

flip that light on please and thank you.

in the mood to publish.
so yes i will spam the lot of you with a smattering of words and leave.

it's funny to be in love i suppose. but that's not the point of this.
yes, i am happy but what is it really that makes one gets those butterflies on the inside? what gets you giddy with excitement and have you laughing at conversations that strangers would just raise an eyebrow at because they don't understand a single word that you're saying to each other anyway?

i don't know. all i'm faced with now is the feeling that this might just end in a disaster that i may have single-handedly created for myself. i'm great at sabotage, i should just be led into a 4x4 cell to sit there for life and to cause no further damage to myself.

but i need to count my numerous blessings this year. '11 has been absolutely smashing. nothing has been fucked up, either by myself or someone else.
my family is nothing short of a daily miracle, taking my shit like no one else would. beautiful friends who are there, amazing creatures in their own right. and as i found out yesterday, i also have some saints for lecturers. i have always believed teachers were the truly noble ones (my mother included, she's a gem) and i don't even deserve it but my INT teacher has been nothing but kind to me. she doesn't even get anything out of it but i will never, ever take her or anyone of them for granted again. i was completely honest with her, and didn't see the point in lying anyway. getting back in the groove of university means i will hopefully lose the wanderlust that is in me. in fact, she's right, spot on. everyone needs someone like her.

i might have spoken too soon, but hell i'd rather say it now and have it craved in granite than to have just let this slip my thoughts like sand would leave your hands. i am also tasting an incredible love that just feels right in every way. there's no equal to what he is to me at this moment. perhaps it's also incredibly unfair of me to compare, but what else is there for me to draw a chart to?
call it cheesy, a phase, the honeymoon period, whatever you can think of.
but i'm having a little glimpse of happiness, so insatiable but so fulfilling.
it might not last, it might just dissipate and evaporate into complete darkness, but while i have all of these in my life now, i will make every inch of it mine.

i hope you'll never live to say that it's been a regret knowing me because only the universe knows what words cannot even begin to explain what each one of you means to me at this point of time in my life.

all this traveling has done a little to chip off some of me every time. soon i'll be left with less than me, and more of everyone, just the way i'd always hoped it would be.

This solitude I feel inside
is a feeling that just passes by with time
and i'm not sure if you know
what really does on down below
even if you tried
it wouldn't feel alike
just the feeling that come and goes
i'd really wish you'd take the time to show
these bleeding lights
are more than just a circus show
i need to know
more than i ever did before
about the certain spaces in your heart
because it's all that you've got left to blow

i'm not the girl that was left before
she took a hit and she was gone
a screaming sign and a full moon rose
she's all i've got, even if it's not for long
i've got the beat she's got the groove
let's do this right let's take the dance
if it's over now then so be it
at least we can say that was quite a show
come on over it won't be long
til we knock it out and turn it down
i'm all about the rush tonight
just hold on tight and enjoy the ride

it's almost tender when we touch
but hold on still i can still feel you within
there's more to come
you just need a hit
and once we're done you'll feel the beat

it's almost like a drug
i think we're hitting the roof
but nothing feels like the first time
i guess that's when i crashed

i want to share all my hopes and fears
maybe for the memories, maybe for the melodies
still it's not quite the same
it won't feel out of place
but you know just as well as i do
we'll have the rest of our misery

unspoken unwritten
a symphony a legacy
a movie, even a story
these are just words aren't they?
remotely said and thrust in all ways
just simple words
until we give them meanings

on a late Wednesday night, by the park, nothing more than just your mind.

2011

It's been a while since I last published anything in here.
Twitter usually does a lot of random thought postings for me, but given that I have to cram my words in 140 characters, it's all over the damn place.

I was away in Laos for a week, and it was just too short of a time for me.
I had a great time & for more information and photos, just ask me or check it out on Facebook. I'm in the midst of getting psyched for Cambodia which is happening in 50 days :D

In other news, university is also a part of my life now. I have enrolled in a number of units for this semester and it looks like i'm finally able to read for fun & work (:

I also realized a few days ago, that i've always felt that this was still the month of January when we are already almost done with the first week of March as I'm typing this. I have been really out of it with all the partying and must absolutely get it together sigh.