wanderlust

我不明白你说什么

2011-10-13T23:57:00.004+08:00

Apakah lagi persoalan tentang perasaan yang tidak terhingga?
Saya pasti jikalau, ditanyakan kepada para pembaca, pelbagai jawapan akan ditemui.

Tidak sah lagi, jika prasangka selalu wujud di celah-celah pertalian yang dianggap suci.

i'm just trying to revive a language I no longer practice in my daily life.
I hosted a friend of mine who recently visited from the Netherlands for a weekend.
More than happy to just take her around for food trips and a decent night out, I asked if she would mind visiting 'Glutton's street' in Pudu.
I visit the street myself quite frequently and never had to rely on signage or menus to order my favourite bowl of noodles. But I was stumped when I couldn't explain to my friend what was a certain stall selling, or what drinks were available other than the usual sodas.

I think it was between such moments, that I'm actually thoroughly handicapped.
My friend asked, out of curiosity, why is is that I can converse in Cantonese and a fair bit of Mandarin but not be able to read and write?
Maybe it's a little of a curse for many Malaysians. I know of many peers who are just like myself. But it's not the best possible way to get about when we might visit a place like Taiwan or China, countries that have many bilingual citizens but with many more directions and signs in Chinese.

Maybe my friend had a different perspective (I never did ask her further as to why she brought it up in the first place, I was thoroughly shy of my shortcomings), that her idea of someone who could speak should definitely be able to write and read that particular language. I spotted a slight confusion in her expression, but more than that, I saw disappointment in my flaw.
I couldn't even explain to her properly that i grew up in a household that spoke English, Malay, and Chinese, all properly thrown in sometimes for a good 'rojak'.

I definitely need to get it on an urgent 'to-do' list for Mandarin classes.
there's no words to express my regret for dropping out of my tuition classes when I was in primary school. I remember cooking up all sorts of ridiculous excuses so that I could have a blissful, Chinese-free afternoon. Stomach-ache, fever, flu etc. You name it, I said it.

So my father relented and said okay, you can have it your way but you'll regret it.
Fathers are almost always right (:

Anyway, it's never too late (i hope!) for my regret to be transformed into a slick tongue rattling off maxims like I've always had them in me.

yolked.

2011-10-02T17:33:00.004+08:00

i've wandered a little farther this time and forgot about this space of mine.

Singapore was refreshing and squeaky clean. The last time around when I paid a visit to that city, was 3 years ago and spent all of 30 hours. I was there for Maroon 5, a lot of drinks and more hours clocked in for the bus rides than to sightsee.

Now it's a burgeoning concrete jungle. Construction ongoing in many areas, residential and commercial alike. I think i was more irked because of the many laws, you know me best if you know what i'm talking about.
(on a sidenote, i still censor myself here, which is irritating)

Leonard has the patience of a meditating monk (i'm thankful he's grown his hair out)
and listens to my ramblings, something i tend to do when i'm in a new place, awkward 'tourist' sticking out.

one occurrence that happened a few days ago really gave me a reality check, whether I asked for it or not, if it was necessary or otherwise is besides the point here.
I think for as long as I've lived, which isn't such a long time anyway, I've tried to be self-reliant as much as possible. emotional support from my family is quite important and it helps with my dipping confidence.

*vent begins* so when i want to do something, i usually share it with my friends and try to gain some feedback. if it's positive and encouraging, i am grateful. if it's negative, i will question why and rethink my venture.

as much as possible, if i have nothing nice to say, i wouldn't say it. there's no point raining on someone's parade, unless it's constructive criticism. and this is when it is asked for. i would give my opinion, nothing more.

you outdid yourself on an account that wasn't your responsibility. i would appreciate your silence. when it was necessary for you to speak, you chose to keep your lips sealed. i don't want anything to do with someone who doesn't believe in me, i don't want you in my life, sticking your nose where it clearly doesn't belong. how dare you call me 'unambitious'? you do not have the slightest clue what i do with my life. and if that's the case, you are not entitled to your opinion.

i cannot begin to state how angry and silent your callous statement made me.
i spoke about it to my partner and he placed it in a different perspective for me.
that, if someone should feel that i am not ambitious, a family member who is so free with words, surely unknowing of the consequences of the words, then take it as a motivation to be more.

motivation doesn't have to come from something that you like.

so yes, i was absolutely livid, and crushed that my flesh and blood would say that to my face. with no support of evidence or reason. all because i was relating that a friend of mine lives in a very expensive residence, and that i could not bring myself to imagine having a 7 figure balance in my bank book right now.

my youth stretches a distance with my dreams and desires. it doesn't mean if i can't imagine it now, that i would not be able to achieve it.
so thank you, for bringing me down so that i can rise up and in the process, beat you at everything.

you've said that i'm 'lost' for my supposing lack in religion. it's been said one too many times that religion is personal. my relationship, if you would care to ask before shooting your mouth off, with god(s) is private. it's mine. if you're interested, i would explain. just for the simple fact that you are now devout and pious, doesn't give you the right to act as if it's your duty to tell people that they are 'lost'.

i think this is where i say to you, i am disappointed beyond belief.
i don't expect you to be anything to me, nothing to me. as far as i'm concerned now, you and i have all of two things in common, the same last name and the same parents.
\

anyway, i'm just about done with this half-baked draft. i returned more than a week later, my other brother got married today (11/10/11) and my partner had his university convocation.

it's bittersweet. for two men, whom i care about most dearly, have had a chapter opened and a chapter closed. i'm extremely happy and sad. sad because there's an inexplicable sense of separation and distance. marriage doesn't necessarily mean there would be a closer knit in a family, in this instance, I welcome an older 'sister' with all my heart, but I also can't help but to feel that the life as I have known it has been rocked. a slight destabilizing decision, the 'I do' uttered and then we are overwhelmed with physical affection for each other in that happy moment, when we want that fairytale to happen.

perhaps also in this lopsided emotional state, i have mentioned to my parents, who have supported my actions and choices thus far in life, to retract the evil plastic card. to impose upon yours truly, a strict financial no-frills number.
it means, to be truly tight in the pockets of my faded jeans and monochrome tank tops. it's a challenge, i must admit. because i realize i have been just absolutely spoiled. how did this come about? from a distant figure that silhouetted the devil-may-care attitude about the finer things in life, i must have morphed into a grotesque version of wanting it all. i don't know where that came from.
i also don't like it.

here's to counting the pennies, and making way to find a richer substitute than the pleasures that money cannot buy.

i am likely to continue somewhere in this vein because it's all been rather messy.
rather for the opinion of a random passerby, i'd like to look back and remember here, that i once felt such and such an emotion, however fleeting, however deep, with regards to whom it may (or may not) concern, for whatever reason that cannot be described. i think words, they say too much of what we don't intend for them to say. also, i forget, too easily.

i hope i remember enough about Singapore the next time i'm here.

Bridesmaids

2011-08-17T14:23:00.003+08:00

I wouldn't pay to watch a rom-com Hollywood slapstick. My partner said we've got free tickets and so we went. It was just embarrassing to watch, I felt excruciating pain for all the ladies in the film. Apparently it's like 'The Hangover' but the female version. Perhaps it's just for note-taking purposes, but i definitely wouldn't want to have the headache of a lifetime before getting married. the female lead did a good job fucking things up for herself, it wasn't necessary for anybody else to dip their sticky fingers in her mess. put 5 women together on a team to throw an awesome party, you end up with a million and one problems, with issues to boot. so lesson learnt. just hire male strippers or elope.

Hanna

2011-08-17T14:15:00.003+08:00

I was slightly disappointed with the ending. But Sairose Ronan and Cate Blanchett delivered. It's a film I'd probably not watch again, because there wasn't a really strong message. It was two people trying to kill each other for a mistake that occurred a long time ago. It would have been much more satisfying to have Hanna go on her own way and just live. Genetically modified human beings are always being made out to have less feelings, Sairose embodied that enough to make it believable.

The Rainmaker

2011-08-17T13:57:00.003+08:00

Matt Damon. One of his earlier works, he didn't do much running (trivia: just realized it the other day to the common agreement of some friends that Damon does run a fair bit in his later works)
Anyway, The Rainmaker was the struggle between the corporate demons and the do-gooder. The ending was to be expected, and I know I'm probably repeating myself here, but I'm always rooting for Matt Damon. In my books, he could do no wrong. In each role he takes on, I'm cheering him with as much inner fangirl energy as I can muster.
I was a little afraid that he may have to pay for beat the crap out of that wife-beater. But Claire Danes is a damsel in serious distress, I suppose anybody would do the same.

One man against a legion of devils in suits. I'd watch it again for the feel-good factor.

Black Swan

2011-08-17T12:57:00.004+08:00

Amidst all the hoo-ha, I caught Black Swan based on my best friend's recommendation. I never did work very well with psycho thrillers, I was creeped out half the time and was struggling to keep myself together throughout the film. I did manage to finish it and I thought the end was fitting. A certain sick obsession was clearly magnified in the story and it served its purpose to portray Portman in a difficult light. The accompanying music was just right, fitting in gaps of silence. The inner maniac snagged a little spot in my heart, a struggle to be perfect. I thought it was magic when she died. A bittersweet surrender when the curtains fall.

No Strings Attached

2011-08-17T12:49:00.003+08:00

Natalie Portman is a goddess in Hollywood. She's beautiful and talented.
She blew me away in V for Vendetta and Closer.
I do question if she was really the one for Thor.
And I finally hit a brick wall when I caught her in No String Attached with Ashton Kutcher. It's not working for me, not in the least. Her role as an emotionally unavailable character was painful to watch. This is knowing that she can deliver so much more. I didn't fall for the scenes that pictured her vulnerable and needy.
Maybe she's trying to venture into other genres, buying the crowd favourite of rom-coms. She remains a personal favourite and I wouldn't be so easily swayed by one film.
I do hope her next choices would be mind blowing.

127 Hours

2011-08-17T12:27:00.003+08:00

James Franco was more than believable here. There's much to be said about make-up and acting like you're really in pain. He made me believe he was really cutting his arm. I know it's based on a true story and I admire the man who had to go through that intense period of time. Perhaps that's how it feels like to have your world crumble.
My gripe with the film is that it was just too frickin' long. The wait for him to just do the deed was way too long. I almost couldn't wait for the movie to end. I watched it knowing how it was going to end, because clearly interviews with the author had been conducted and we see that he survived the ordeal so obviously in the film, he's going to live as well. I just wanted to get on with it.

I liked how there were scenes for a little peek into hallucinating, illusions etc.
I took one lesson from the film, just leave a note when you go somewhere. It could save a lot more than an arm.

Tron Legacy

2011-08-17T12:09:00.003+08:00

i found the show to be just boring. Sure, there were action scenes, an amazing soundtrack, a hot chick, a hero to save the day and a bad guy to boot. That sounds like a recipe for nothing short of amazing. But it fell short of my personal expectations.
I started off optimistic with raving reviews from my friends, but the double body entity, Jekyll and Hyde scenario was rather bland. How did the father live in the alternate reality, surviving his alter ego who wants to kill him? Where do we get hints about the arcade? and what about the father's friend? when the girl goes into the real world, how is she going live? seriously, what the fuck?

thinking about the movie is pissing me off. i'm just gonna say, i don't like it. and i'm never watching it again.

Another Year (2010)

2011-08-17T12:01:00.004+08:00

I caught this film more than a month ago. I want to write about it before I forget any more fragments.

I didn't fancy it. There wasn't a real plot. It was an effort to feel some emotion for the characters, but I was bored and I couldn't really sympathize or fall in love, be scared or feel embarrassed. I felt a little bad for the single girl, who was clearly desperate to feel like she belonged somewhere. And definitely, her actions were less than suitable. But the conclusion to the whole plot was less than desirable.
I'm not a sucker for wonderful happily ever afters, or a tragic ending. But this is no cliffhanger and I'm left in between, wondering what was the whole point of the show in the first place. Whose shoes should I fill temporarily? One half of the blissful couple, or the son who is finally hitched? The brother who lost his wife, or the nephew who is a douche? The sad friend who doesn't have a single soul to turn to? Maybe I'm one of those people who really can't relate to a character in this film, but I thought that was the whole point of putting something on the silver screen; that people may connect and understand they aren't the only ones here.

Mambo Jambo

2011-08-10T22:20:00.003+08:00

I'm losing the tickle in my throat for a beer. Or any other form of alcohol.

I caught 'Revolver' this afternoon, I knew I had watched it before. The familiar scenes, clipped script and Statham in a comfortable role.
It was nothing particularly memorable, I should now state here that I will not watch it again. Towards the last 15 minutes, I was too distracted surfing the net. No attention was paid to the drawing of curtains. Oh, well.

I watched 'Limitless' last night, I think it's the first time I've seen DeNiro opposite a leading man who said that he'd have to be his bitch. DeNiro, somebody's bitch? In my 20th century mind, DeNiro reigns. He's the boss, period. Otherwise, the story was pretty interesting. I half-hoped that Bradley Cooper would just die and end the story. Instead, it was a happily ever after. That annoyed me a little. If truly such a drug existed, I think I'd be hooked on it too. I really enjoyed the art direction, it was spiffy and not overdone. It seemed like we hallucinated together, the beauty is knowing exactly how it feels like. Some of us do :p

I also watched 'The Adjustment Bureau'. I definitely liked the storyline. This time around, I wanted Matt Damon to fight for the happy ever after. He's a character I think I will always root for, regardless of the cause. You can't help feeling like he needs all the support and love you can give him. I should get the book, it's interesting enough onscreen, i reckon the book can't be worse?
There was nothing too impressive about the cinematography, it was the acting that made it for me (:

Cookie bits

2011-08-01T02:39:00.003+08:00

I think it's a good habit to write down what I think about every movie. There's just too many movies I've watched but never really placed my opinion here and then I end up watching them again, which translates to a double waste of my time if the movie was bad, i.e. Troy.

I have also come to realize that I place an enormous amount of faith in IMDB. I trust it's ratings and it's recommendations. I don't question the reviews or the rankings.
Maybe it's just according to the majority and so I take their word for it.
Perhaps they are wrong and I've been misled about it this whole time.

I should just watch what I want to, regardless of the many opinions other people have about a certain film. I'm quite sure there are people who would disagree with my thoughts as well. I would very much welcome a discussion about a film, because then I'd be able to understand better.

In other news, I feel quite neglected. It's probably just the lack of some personal time and I must say, I am quite fond of being taken care of in every aspect. Just lately I don't feel like anything I've done has been reciprocated. Perhaps I'm just a little sensitive about the matter, and I won't say a word about it. truly, it's also quite hard to please me and i'd be disappointed in myself if i were to demand of anything or to place more pressure than as already at hand. i must understand that in order to be happy, i need to sacrifice something. and that i must learn to walk in the shoes of another. for all i know, it could be very depressing to be you.

to myself, a gentle reminder; that there is no obligation from the other party to do anything whatsoever for you. it's a free world and there aren't any strings attached. so move the fuck along and just be happy. your happiness depends on yourself, not on somebody else and what they have to offer. it's a bonus if there's anything more to what it is presently. likewise, don't be a fool and let people take advantage of you.

London Boulevard

2011-08-01T02:34:00.003+08:00

Colin Farrell never struck me as an actor to be reckoned with. He was mostly talked about by acquaintances and friends as a sex symbol. I doubt I have ever watched a single movie of his and taken it seriously. London Boulevard was rather boring although I didn't expect Mitch to die. There was a love story, hugely undeveloped. A complicated friendship that ended in death. Some violence, and I couldn't wait for it to be over.

I wasn't particularly convinced about the plot, and the implied gore was quite overdone. I did enjoy the sets and locations. I've always imagined London and their people to be as portrayed. It wasn't really worth my hour and a half.

The Wrestler - Mickey Rourke

2011-07-31T22:34:00.005+08:00

I couldn't help but sympathize with Randy. Mickey Rourke did a brilliant job portraying a wrestler who's fallen from grace. It was legitimate enough for me to believe that he truly was trying to make good with everything that went wrong. He was human and made his fair share (or more) of mistakes. There was respect from his peers and colleagues in the industry, long after his time. Regardless of whether it was fake or sincere, it was the only place he ever found some solace in. There's not much said about his past, but clearly there was a broken home with a daughter that he tries to reconnect with. It seemed like there was hope for a reunion at one point but that failed. And along with it, he gave up and never looked back. I loved the hook at the end. The final scene was one of closure, he returned to what he loved best all his life. he gave everything for it and every single ounce of strength to give a good show, to end it all on the stage that gave birth to the fame and faded glory.

The past life that was lived with recklessness and ambition has been reduced to a painful existence, struggling to keep up with the Joneses.
I think a realization really hits home when there are comparisons with age and youth.
Because time is no longer on your side, and a comeback in a competitive field is one that chooses to slowly flay your life.

I liked how Aronofsky made it so that each time Randy tweaked with his hearing aid, there would be an audio blip to mirror it. It was something that I may have previously overlooked but the significance of that singular act was special and it made this film all about Randy.

New York

2011-07-27T01:19:00.005+08:00

I've probably caught 20 movies between the last post and today.
Just felt like I had to write something about Gangs of New York.
I can't say that I'm really familiar with films and its various genres. But it's intriguing that someone thought to make a movie out of this book. True, it's a loose adaptation so it's considered an original screenplay. I'm not usually so fired up to find out about the roots of a movie. I felt that there was a particular nitty-gritty fire about the characters and their convictions. I'm not a huge fan of Cameron Diaz and i'm going to try to put that aside while placing my thoughts here.

I'm particularly stunned by Daniel Day-Lewis, hereafter DDL because double-barreled surnames are simply taking up more time than space for me. I don't think I've watched anything he acted in, and after a look up on wikipedia, I understood why. This man hardly acts. Not because he doesn't have the skills or time or talent, but he simply just chooses to do what he wants to do. And reading his profile is a little painful, I must admit. Being in character on AND off set is both admirable and unimaginable.

I couldn't help but to gasp at his list of nominations and accolades for ONE movie. I will make it a point to watch the other films, hopefully when I get better internet speeds or when DVDs are more affordable.

Frankly, I wasn't too sure how the movie would end. It wasn't the sweet ending that Hollywood is most famous for. I'm glad Scorsese delivered a fitting finish. I was sad when the Butcher died, there's no other way around it though. Out of the thousands of people who must have been employed for the film, I wish I had the opportunity to have been a part of it. It amazes me, sweeps me in awe at times when I watch films that requires scores of people, flooding masses of people on the set.

It's too big for me to imagine. Likewise, the subtle themes and underlying messages of this film has escaped me for a little while. I wish I had a better way to phrase my summary of the film. It touched me, it moved me, and I was, for a moment or two, slightly torn between the Butcher and Vallon.

It was as if I had to choose a side, but the difficulty lay in wanting peace to settle down. Peace that never really belonged to New York in 1863 anyway.

Bartender, one more drink, please.

2011-07-14T04:04:00.002+08:00

I believe the universe runs the way it should. But today left me dumbfounded and lost for words that encapsulates 24 hours. I was nervous about sorting out my education, i was bored throughout dinner with my family, i was sad when i heard about the death of an acquaintance, i was angry when during a dispute with my partner, and eventually exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster.

Then I watched 'Blue Valentine'. It applies, but to one aspect today. Just the dispute. It gets you thinking, are you bound by the laws of the universe to repeat the mistakes your parents made?

I don't know of the mistakes my parents may have made. To me, they are perfect.
I can only hope to learn from my own errors.

Earlier today, I dialed a familiar number, to reach a voice I used to make love to. I laid out the foundations for a civil conversation, and he reciprocated, with the heaviness of an obliging participant. the awkwardness was subtle and carefully wrapped underneath the small talk we both hate. All I wanted was to ask if he'd return some books to me. I'm still unsure of what I'd do with my hands when the time comes for us to be seated across each other at a coffee table. Most likely to be tweaking with my Blackberry, so as to avoid a moment that I am required to say something nice or something that isn't related to life as I know it now.

I still believe in the universe, and that it will conspire to help you achieve what you want.

summer sweepstakes

2011-07-12T23:17:00.003+08:00

Twitter's downsized some of what I'd like to say. It gets too public at times, and then I lose the interest to place a proper sentence in 140 characters. I don't like that I need to squeeze. Maybe it's good training for less words and more depth.

In no way am I going to rant about what I've reaped. I deserved every ounce of it, but I am still sulking on the inside. The fall has done some serious damage to my ego, more importantly my pocket. Also the fact that I've never considered myself a failure.

It's just time to pick up some pieces and get going.

In other news, I'm comfortably alone. It's refreshing, not that I despise company but it's not half as bad as I'd initially thought it would be. Peace.
It would be unhealthy if I had placed physical barriers, but I'm still available.

I also learnt in the past couple of weeks, that travel isn't always so enjoyable. Besides Kevin and I mucking about, Vietnam had little to offer. I'm grateful nothing untoward happened, I was also writing about a few experiences. However I doubt I'd return to Ho Chi Minh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

distracted by social media and a truckload of interesting sites!
more reason to get a bean bag, drink trolley and mini bar setup in my room (:

maybe the next time around, I wouldn't be so mundane here.

2011-06-26T17:59:00.003+08:00

i can hear the words but i can't see the deed. just stop and be still.
i'm disinterested, tired and empty.
stepping out of this case, it will be the same if everything broke apart and turned to dust.

so be it, good night.

dreamcatcher.

2011-06-16T03:41:00.003+08:00

Watching the Truman Show for the first time, gave me a little insight.
Not much, but just enough to understand the frayed edges of deception.
It had entertainment value and there will be an essay question based on the movie for my Media Studies paper on Monday. What wouldn't I give to be able to skip this dratted subject? but really, that movie was absolute brilliance. and i'm left wondering if it's even possible to do so. to place someone's life as the reality of how we've always lived. it's cruel and naive to think one wouldn't want to escape. anything's got to be better than what we've known it to be. or even if it isn't better, it's got to be different! isn't that the whole point of living? to be different and to challenge what we already know? we can't already know everything.

i grieve for the Trumans of this world who close the door on the truth.
and i salute the Trumans who bid the audience 'good morning, good afternoon, good evening and good night' to find something beyond that wall of clouds.

i read some Kerouac after the movie, and I must say, I want to know what is it like to have some San Francisco blues. Because I haven't tasted anything other than the waters of my own backyard where I can't tell the difference in the texture, the clarity or weight. For all I know, it could have been the same all this while, all waters in all bodies of water. But I need to know that for myself. the major and minor keys, if any at all.

You laugh, scoff, dust and walk away from the dreams I care to share.
Perhaps you're the one who would stand in the way of my jet plane.
I'd welcome you aboard. I just hope you can help me build this ambition, strengthen the hope instead of breaking the light or pulling the brakes.

idiot.

2011-06-03T02:01:00.004+08:00

Super bitching post. i need to get this out of my system, PLEASE.

so i think you're really nice and i wouldn't mind being an acquaintance.

but please. what are you? 15? what the fuck is up with lovey dovey posts up on FB?

goddamnit, not everybody needs to proclaim their love every beating moment.
yes you probably think i'm jealous, or just hating on you for no reason.
girl, you just gave me a MAJOR reason to get your face out of my way.
besides, what's the big deal? i love you la, you love me la. come on man.
if you were in a long distance relationship, i totally get it. but hell, you are in each other's faces ALL DAY LONG. honey i believe you need to BREATHE!
i am truly thrilled at your happiness and joy bla bla bla
but you need to get a fucking grip. it's so overly done, it's disgusting.
i feel like throwing up when i come across a photograph or a post.
other people EXIST too! can you not act like you're the only girl in the world?
i actually feel slightly sorry for singletons because i know how amazing it is to be in love but please don't flood the newsfeed with something everyone already knows! it's irritating!

i'd like to see how you'd react if i did the exact same thing.

so back the fuck down and chill out.

allow me to give in.

2011-05-31T02:23:00.004+08:00

It's magic, when it happens. There are millions of people in between us, yet when we spoke, it was nameless, without status. i feel humbled and small under your gaze.
but we shared, just what we can, what time would allow in that moment.

the sudden rush of words, the difficulty to grasp accents, the gestures, and mostly we knew that despite the years between us, we found a voice in the other.

we belonged to each other's world, a space reserved for the faceless. even though I could never imagine what sort of life you lead in your plane and vice versa.

I'll summon the courage to speak to you when we meet. I'll keep my fears locked, and immerse my mind in yours. Even if we never cross paths again, I know we existed in that place and time.

i hope that it will be on a train from Pondicherry to Kerala. or whilst sipping a cappucino in Florence. it could be when we've landed at Rio, or drifting along the Mekong. I don't mind sharing the skies of Alexandria, or the seas of Ibiza.

I hope you will feel exactly how I feel now, because it's beyond words where this could take me.

i already know how our souls will spark the fire within us.

something like it.

2011-05-22T11:45:00.003+08:00

hello, beautiful. i just felt like that was sort of appropriate, somehow needing to greet you, a repository for all my feelings, where i write at my happiest and lowest.
this is make or break week for me. i'm officially ruined academically if i can't make it through to hand up all my assignments.

yes, and i'm still here because for once, i'm yearning to tell you, that i, i am nothing more than just a mere shadow of the giants that walk next to us but if you'd let me, i would be a little more each passing day.

flip that light on please and thank you.

2011-05-13T00:43:00.000+08:00

in the mood to publish.
so yes i will spam the lot of you with a smattering of words and leave.

it's funny to be in love i suppose. but that's not the point of this.
yes, i am happy but what is it really that makes one gets those butterflies on the inside? what gets you giddy with excitement and have you laughing at conversations that strangers would just raise an eyebrow at because they don't understand a single word that you're saying to each other anyway?

i don't know. all i'm faced with now is the feeling that this might just end in a disaster that i may have single-handedly created for myself. i'm great at sabotage, i should just be led into a 4x4 cell to sit there for life and to cause no further damage to myself.

but i need to count my numerous blessings this year. '11 has been absolutely smashing. nothing has been fucked up, either by myself or someone else.
my family is nothing short of a daily miracle, taking my shit like no one else would. beautiful friends who are there, amazing creatures in their own right. and as i found out yesterday, i also have some saints for lecturers. i have always believed teachers were the truly noble ones (my mother included, she's a gem) and i don't even deserve it but my INT teacher has been nothing but kind to me. she doesn't even get anything out of it but i will never, ever take her or anyone of them for granted again. i was completely honest with her, and didn't see the point in lying anyway. getting back in the groove of university means i will hopefully lose the wanderlust that is in me. in fact, she's right, spot on. everyone needs someone like her.

i might have spoken too soon, but hell i'd rather say it now and have it craved in granite than to have just let this slip my thoughts like sand would leave your hands. i am also tasting an incredible love that just feels right in every way. there's no equal to what he is to me at this moment. perhaps it's also incredibly unfair of me to compare, but what else is there for me to draw a chart to?
call it cheesy, a phase, the honeymoon period, whatever you can think of.
but i'm having a little glimpse of happiness, so insatiable but so fulfilling.
it might not last, it might just dissipate and evaporate into complete darkness, but while i have all of these in my life now, i will make every inch of it mine.

i hope you'll never live to say that it's been a regret knowing me because only the universe knows what words cannot even begin to explain what each one of you means to me at this point of time in my life.

all this traveling has done a little to chip off some of me every time. soon i'll be left with less than me, and more of everyone, just the way i'd always hoped it would be.

2011-04-14T13:37:00.004+08:00

This solitude I feel inside
is a feeling that just passes by with time
and i'm not sure if you know
what really does on down below
even if you tried
it wouldn't feel alike
just the feeling that come and goes
i'd really wish you'd take the time to show
these bleeding lights
are more than just a circus show
i need to know
more than i ever did before
about the certain spaces in your heart
because it's all that you've got left to blow

i'm not the girl that was left before
she took a hit and she was gone
a screaming sign and a full moon rose
she's all i've got, even if it's not for long
i've got the beat she's got the groove
let's do this right let's take the dance
if it's over now then so be it
at least we can say that was quite a show
come on over it won't be long
til we knock it out and turn it down
i'm all about the rush tonight
just hold on tight and enjoy the ride

it's almost tender when we touch
but hold on still i can still feel you within
there's more to come
you just need a hit
and once we're done you'll feel the beat

it's almost like a drug
i think we're hitting the roof
but nothing feels like the first time
i guess that's when i crashed

i want to share all my hopes and fears
maybe for the memories, maybe for the melodies
still it's not quite the same
it won't feel out of place
but you know just as well as i do
we'll have the rest of our misery

unspoken unwritten
a symphony a legacy
a movie, even a story
these are just words aren't they?
remotely said and thrust in all ways
just simple words
until we give them meanings

on a late Wednesday night, by the park, nothing more than just your mind.

2011

2011-03-04T13:14:00.003+08:00

It's been a while since I last published anything in here.
Twitter usually does a lot of random thought postings for me, but given that I have to cram my words in 140 characters, it's all over the damn place.

I was away in Laos for a week, and it was just too short of a time for me.
I had a great time & for more information and photos, just ask me or check it out on Facebook. I'm in the midst of getting psyched for Cambodia which is happening in 50 days :D

In other news, university is also a part of my life now. I have enrolled in a number of units for this semester and it looks like i'm finally able to read for fun & work (:

I also realized a few days ago, that i've always felt that this was still the month of January when we are already almost done with the first week of March as I'm typing this. I have been really out of it with all the partying and must absolutely get it together sigh.

One Step Closer to the Maxis Om Nom Nom Race

2011-01-07T17:14:00.006+08:00

Nothing really comes close to a spread like this (:

This is a dream come true!
Why would ANYONE turn down a fantastic offer to travel (albeit, locally!) AND eat at the same time?!
There's talk that I practice a diet to keep a certain weight, but believe me when I say that nothing will come in between me and some delicious noodles! :D
Don't be fooled by my skinny jeans, I'm a hardcore food lover!
There are times I would dream of dim sum, wan tan mee, satay celup and my absolute favourite, nasi lemak! Some friends of mine and I would come up with foodie trips and they can start off early in the day, chomping down all the way til sunset :D :D :D

Steamed lala clams in a spicy sweet sauce

KL is awesome for food and I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be!
Forget fish & chips or steaks, I'm going to stick by to the Malaysian authentic dishes (:
The prizes offered by Maxis and HTC are amazing!
The opportunity to win an all expenses paid trip to Hong Kong with 5 star accommodation is even more exciting!

Strawberry pavlova!

The Maxis Om Nom Nom race is also made easier for participants to find the food spots with the help of the iPhone 4, the Finder301 application (for whatever you may be looking for!) and Wireless Broadband, all made available by Maxis!
Click on the links below to find out more about Maxis Wireless Plans and the Finder301 application for your convenience!

http://www.maxis.com.my/personal/broadband/wireless_allplans.asp
http://itunes.apple.com/my/app/maxis-finder301/id375530216?mt=8#

#6

2011-01-06T11:16:00.000+08:00

the glistening surface of egg.

#5

2011-01-05T11:17:00.000+08:00

random giraffe statues at PixelPost.

#4

2011-01-04T11:14:00.000+08:00

my neighbour's desk. his ad scripts are always so funny, makes me wish I was funny.

#3

2011-01-03T21:37:00.001+08:00

venison, cooked with ginger and spring onion.
lettuce, garlic & salt only.

everyday dishes. either for lunch or dinner.

#2

2011-01-02T01:14:00.001+08:00

it's been 7 years. i speak English, she speaks Mandarin. language isn't a barrier. that's what sisters are for.

#1

2011-01-01T21:12:00.000+08:00

Aglio Olio at Delicious. I need the beef bacon (;

the last one of the year

2010-12-31T21:52:00.000+08:00

she's on the right track, sopping wet!

2010-12-27T13:48:00.002+08:00

Like the man cycling around my neighbourhood, picking up discarded cardboard boxes for sale/recycle. we share the same kind of demons.
I'm no different from you.
We share the same sorrow, the same loss.
it's always just a matter of time.

resist to be a part of consumerism
you can't wash out the stains left behind.

2010-12-26T13:56:00.002+08:00

different weekend, different person.
i've got my torn jeans in the backseat, a sweater in my trunk.
i'm ever ready to jump, maybe even drown in you.
but where do we go?

it isn't permanent, ambiguous statements of many nights.
today on a red couch, tomorrow with white sheets, the day before sipping green tea.

i ask why, but truth is, i don't want to know.

tucked away, folded, neat and tidy, are people I am most likely to never have in my life. made out of paper, i can set you alight. and when you do burn, you are over in a matter of seconds. that's how i feel about you, you who concern yourself with money.

2010-12-22T15:49:00.004+08:00

We are the collective product in progress.
Sometimes a by-product of who we meet, what we see.
in the closing days of 2010, there's been so much said and done.
every year moves faster than the previous one.
perhaps at the beginning of my gap year i didn't exactly know what i wanted to do, the dream of studying abroad this year, did not materialize. i kept putting it off, i wanted so badly to make us that in the end i saw where it was all going. just nowhere.
i took jobs, signed contracts, put up hours for things i didn't want, people i didn't like. there was a lesson to be learned in every place. it was making me unhappy along with all these emotions that weren't even in check.
it was just a big fat mess, the more i tried to clear it up, the messier it became.
still, i think in the months past, a lot of me has become clearer. i will return to university in February. I am going to Laos for a week before that. and in the most immediate future i am going to settle university issues, take out a loan, finish this internship, hopefully score another internship, drink more wine, eat and be merry, have Christmas and New Year pass by without any more emotional drama. i sometimes get the feeling that my life seems to be like a scandalous television mini-series, the one where the girl is always lost. but hey what do i know? i don't even watch TV. yes, that's right, when people ask me where i get my American accent from, i say it's from American TV. darlings, i lied okay? i don't have an accent, i just speak good English. anyway i'm deviating. point is, there's a lot to be done in the last week of this decade.

Sleep mode

2010-12-07T14:41:00.003+08:00

one week to go, the distance is good. nothing i can do to change it.
to be honest, i suppose i am doing it all deliberately.
let's not complicate it all further.

my brother is now married, an addition to the family.
i still don't quite know how to react, the weekend was a whirlwind of parties, drinking, smiles and many people.
i feel even more insignificant in his life.

monash is taking awhile to respond, that makes me feel terribly anxious.
if they don't take me in, i'm not sure where i'd go to finish this up.

the end of the year is about 3 weeks away, i think we've all been overwhelmed by the wedding to be excited about Christmas and New Year's. doesn't look like anything's about to happen.

i've made plans for 3 getaways. now to make money to fund those trips, sigh.

Lykke Li said it, we've got to get some.

2010-11-07T13:25:00.002+08:00

so here we go again, another round of revelry gone wrong.
not so much for what you may see, but what a mad week it has been.

off the edge

2010-11-05T14:35:00.002+08:00

what a hiatus. with many in betweens, lost nights, torn days.
i called it off, with reasons and excuses. i don't know if i am better without you. but i do know i see a complete stranger when i look in the mirror every morning.
it's silly to say i don't know what i'm doing, but truly i don't know what this does to me in the long run. but enough words, they say too much too much.

i don't deserve this. or you, being here with me.

Heartbreak Warfare-John Mayer + LYRICS

2010-08-11T05:03:00.000+08:00

silence bounces off the walls, it's just another day

Jeff Buckley; Everybody Here Wants You.

2010-08-08T17:34:00.000+08:00

intense.

extensions

2010-08-04T12:56:00.003+08:00

when it all comes in at once, i'm not very good at making the final decision.
i guess it's one of those times when you get the chance to make a big deal out of it, you go for it. that was yesterday.

i had 12 hours to make a decision.

to work with a niche industry, one that i knew absolutely nothing about, one that would provide an opportunity to climb up the corporate ladder or to intern with an established advertising firm. on top of that i also had to answer to other appointments that were scheduled for later this week.

i still don't know if i made the right choice. but i made one and i'm sticking to it.

it doesn't come by very often, loopholes like these. surely it's a change of times. it also does seem that i have further panned out my stay in this country. not exactly what i had in mind.

c'est la vie.

Social Media Revolution

2010-08-03T16:49:00.001+08:00

watch and be impressed!

Money!

2010-08-03T16:48:00.008+08:00

as a young adult, money is constantly a problem. i dislike asking my parents for money as i feel that i am fully capable of supporting myself. or at least able to pay my own bills. i'm thankful for having my own mode of transportation as it is reliable and i can go to work without worrying about being late or traffic jams.

i've been scouring the internet for months, looking for a job that would fit my bill. to date, i'm successful in searching for a position and am going for two interviews in the next 3 days!

just a few links i'd like to share with you (:

PartTimePost

http://www.facebook.com/parttimepost

PartTimePost offers a variety of jobs, ranging from part-time, full-time and even freelance ads. It is also helpful that the site is catered to those amongst us who wish to go the extra mile for some extra cash!

Job Enlistments

http://forum.lowyat.net/JobEnlistments

For those here who wish to find a job in the Klang Valley, job listings in this forum is aplenty and you are bound to catch an ad that suits you. Also the offers at this site caters to the IT savvy and many fresh grads who are looking to make some moolah whilst gaining invaluable experience!

AsiaPartTime

http://asiaparttime.com/

This is a site i visit regularly, the jobs are endless and there are new postings everyday. you'd never run out of options, just probably out of time because you can't decide which job offer to take!

Happy Job Hunting! (:

one in my top ten

2010-07-23T13:28:00.001+08:00

you've got to love her voice (:

Wantan in a bowl!

2010-07-21T01:39:00.005+08:00

try this, (this is not an advert) CP Shrimp Wonton!

It's quite honestly the best wan tan (as spelled in malaysia) i've ever had. Wan tan that came out of a prepacked meal, ready to go in 3 minutes after microwaved. complete with the kind of piping hot ajinomoto soup that i like (:

can you say succulent?
it's safe to say i'd never trust wantans in plastic bowls and plastic wrap. but i had to give it a go since it came from Thailand (known to have the biggest prawns on the East Coast)
Plus also the fact that Winston did not have a microwave oven at his place. I've got 5 bowls left in the freezer! *glee!* Coupled with the fact that I am having it at 2am, and that i do not have to share it with Fatty (who is asleep at the moment), it is bliss :D

The only downside is, i don't know where to buy em once stock runs out!

NEW!

2010-07-20T15:52:00.001+08:00

ra-ra vroom!
it's quite a revamp if i may say so myself
to many new unboring posts about something more than our 2 cents.

2009-11-27T14:20:00.002+08:00

i could hear the smile in your voice when i call you in the mornings, a sleepy smile meant for me.

it's turned to groans and complaints, when all i really wanted was just to say hi.
has it gotten so difficult to be happy?

2009-11-02T19:24:00.001+08:00

lost the passion.

broken, not whole

2009-10-24T11:41:00.003+08:00

she just wants to dance, she doesn't want a man

still so sore. wounded and hurt.
there is no way to fix something so broken.
i don't want to have it fixed.
or rather i don't need to.
the state of the present is sufficient balm.

i refuse and resist.
it'd take someone stronger than you are
all over me, the used and the abused
what makes you think you deserve better?
nothing but just one of the many.
nothing but just a pebble on this beach, amongst the rest

she wants you more, still. yesterday, today, and tomorrow. every tick of the hands on my clock, that's the distance between us.

people are never ever happy enough to be happy for other people.
maybe next year will be better than this year.

not so much for what's been done, more for what's to come.
my answer will always remain the same, regardless of my heart
"to be happy..."

i see you again, it's been too long. or maybe too soon.
i see you in my dreams ever so often.
can't make out what you say, but your actions could do some good to me.

2009-10-11T14:52:00.002+08:00

the way sampoerna cigarettes have a crackling sound as it burns

ah, hurt.
but reading that blog made me think, i'm thankful that i'm loved in return
instead of just "tepuk sebelah tangan".
i hope she's happy doing what she's doing, i know i couldn't do it if i were her.
you can tell when she dreams about him, it's seen in the way she talks about him
and there's never going be any given back.

i wonder if you snap and break, and maybe you do but no one saved you.

New Friends!

2009-08-09T05:17:00.001+08:00

Final Project: Bar-hopping.

The watering holes of Kuala Lumpur are found in every nook and cranny of the city. For this final project, I was a little apprehensive with wanting to single out any individual to relate their Kuala Lumpur to me. I wasn’t even sure about the way I was going to go about this, if it should be recorded with video, or just the voice, etc. Deadlines are forever looming ahead of us like a thunderstorm that just won’t go away. I’m fickle like that, I do realize.

Anyway, back to the topic. The project required an interview of some sorts with anyone we choose to relate their story of this city to us, either personally, emotionally, historically and I suppose even spiritually. I felt that if I chose a specific person to interview, I might be missing out on all the other stories that I would like to hear as well. And thus, I proposed to “interview” (read: make new friends) different random strangers. In bars. I heard of my classmates’ ideas where they choose to pick one person from their lives and carry that story out. But my perspective of that had to be wider and to be speaking to complete strangers on a regular basis, just so I could have material for my project, is a little frightening, to say the least.

Bar-hopping isn’t a new feature in my life, I enjoy doing so for its socializing benefits, as well as the fact that it continues to fascinate me, how people get so friendly (sometimes, TOO friendly) after a few drinks. They are also a lot more tolerant and open, therefore so much easier to talk to. The intoxication must help in some way. I like how words flow freely when you don’t have barriers to stop you from saying anything. It’s a lack of mental filter or verbal diarrhea if you will. I’ve been in situations where I had drunk people shouting at me, for reasons that can only be known to themselves. It never ends well. I’ve also made countless new friends as one drink leads to another, I hope this continues down the road I am traveling.

My point is, I’ve tried to make this experiment of mine as painless as possible, as anonymous and secretive as I can, only to escape the fact that if I were to let these participants on about what I was doing, it would lose a part of its originality and the passion and pace would be different. I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing, why I was asking all these questions, or maybe I’m just good at evading certain questions. Everyone involved were from different walks of life, age groups, backgrounds, and nationalities. I do try to make it even when it comes to gender. But I’m female, it’s always easier for me to talk to men. Women have a weird radar around me, maybe it’s because I don’t comb my hair. Also, I specifically went to a variety of different bars because it draws a diversity of crowds and I get to pinpoint who will be my next victim.

The parallel lines we tread here are mostly one that allows my new found friends to simply speak their minds about Kuala Lumpur in whichever way they choose to see it. For the most of it, I stuck to what’s real to me and what I think would be real to many others as well. The country in which we live in, relationships and work were my central questions. Many people spoke of the current politics, how it’s remained stagnant, where issues of racism are always at the core of any situation. My interest ignites and wanes very quickly with this particular subject. One person in particular compared this problem to his own country, where communism is the central ruling system. We talked for a long time that night and I ended up with hope alight in my head. I don’t appreciate being disillusioned but realism needs to play his role. We have voices amongst us that cannot be silenced but a solo fighter who speaks out his mind can mean more than just a night in jail or the loss of a job. It’s obvious we have different priorities. I’ve always thought politics was all about money. Clearly, I have been convinced otherwise. Instead of something material, we are ruled by something we can’t even see, the unknown power of a racial struggle. I slip and try to find my footing from time to time because I don’t understand the entirety of it and that somehow, in my small world, the situation is bigger than I am.

Others walk into bars to drown their sorrows with the heavy broken hearts and love songs in the background don’t exactly help make things easier. But they readily pour their hearts out as they pour their drinks in. You get all sorts of love stories, some are made for the silver screen, I kid you not. I sympathize, pat them on the back and reminisce about my love stories, what happened, what’s going on and think about how it’ll be in the future. People get heartbroken everyday and when it happens to you, the world comes crashing down in a split second. When it ends, all you really want is a strong drink or two and sympathetic ears. That’s how it went for me and that’s how I did it for them.

Here’s some interesting quotes, right from the lips of the dejected:

“Life’s fair, everyone gets to have their heart broken at least once.”

“Going straight gets me nowhere, maybe I need to veer off course.”

Where work is concerned, you get office politics and some drama tossed in for good measure. The boss is the boss for a reason, and many a drink has been shared over the cubicle gossip and bars become the after office hours water cooler stand. It’s interesting to hear their stories on a white collar job. Even with minimal perks and plenty of paperwork, there’s still some space left in between to include the spat with the tea-lady or something tedious like that. I stifle many laughs in between, but I’ve yet to experience my first job in a 9-to-5 circle, and I hope for the sake of my sanity and others around me, that I would never have to do so. The closest I can get to matching my own experiences is that while their jobs are the central part of their lives, I would use university and my education to somehow level them together. True, I don’t earn money, neither do I have to work for a living. But experiences with people who backstab and gossip are all a part of life as we live among people. So it is with dull experiences. I don’t go paragliding or skiing every other day, and thus the excitement can only be this much. It is pretty much the same for all our office workers who sit through the rush hour on the Federal highway every working day.

Quite simply, I made them share a little piece of themselves with me, things I’ve always faced on my own in KL. Hearing them from strangers, people I don’t know, people whom I might quite well never meet again makes me feel that little bit better about being here. It’s unfair to say that each story was the same as the next one, but in relation to my life, it’s similar. There are a few people who caught my attention and we have ended up having regular nights out to talk and it’s a good opportunity for me to practice the art of conversation. But others were purely for the purpose of this project.

I'd do this again in a heartbeat.

Liew Kung Yu

2009-08-05T05:19:00.000+08:00

Cadangan-cadangan Untuk Negaraku

Liew Kung Yu's 4 piece exhibition at the Galeri Petronas showcases Malaysian culture that is exaggerated through his photographs. His work portrays our nationalism and patriotism to a greater extent. However, because the photographs have been worked upon according to Liew's desires, it has turned into a story of its own.

He names each photograph to suit the elements and the topic at hand. "Bandar Sri Tiang Kolam", "Pantai Gelora Cahaya", "Metropolis Warisan" and "Konkrit Jungle" are the names of the 4 artworks. Each one has a gold frame, symbolizing our materialistic wants and it overlaps at certain angles. There are also red hibiscus flowers surrounding the photographs, a further significance of our culture as it is our national flower.

The photograph entitled "Bandar Sri Tiang Kolam" is emboldened with roman columns everywhere, relating this to a "Malay" appeal as it is often seen in many houses, regardless of their style or design as they are all about the residents of Malaysia. Government buildings fancy these roman columns too, a little strange attachment that appear to be powerful. The obsession with a greater respect for the white man shows here in these roman columns. Asians are generally known to put the white man on a pedestal, along with everything else that is considered "western". "Pantai Gelora Cahaya" on the other hand represents the tourism industry revolving a rainbow theme featuring a rickshaw, a symbol of our economic struggle in previous years and has now become an attraction and a means to earn some pocket money.

"Metropolis Warisan" is a confusing display of batik and the use of public transportation in our country. Needless to say, the system and the upkeep are appalling and to draw attention to this is of an utmost personal priority. Buildings become landmarks of this photograph with a few tourists around the city centre looking lost. Translated to English, it means a metropolis that is a heritage. This goes to show that we are inheriting a city and a history of haphazard city planning with only short term solutions for problems. Finally, "Konkrit Jungle" displays animals local to Asia. However, this is a symbolic representation and comparison between our community and the animals, more likely to represent our behaviour in society.

Persepolis

2009-08-04T05:18:00.000+08:00

This has been sitting in my drafts for the LONGEST time.
Initially I wanted to interview a few Iranian friends about their views on politics in their country, so that I could try to find some sort of common ground. It is mainly to compare what our views are about the country we grew up in.

Watching an animated film when it is about violence, nationalism and the personal story of a citizen in Iran adds certain complexities for the audience. On one hand, I am trying to take it in seriously as a true story. On the other, the animation downplayed much of the intensity and replaced it with images that are not quite real to me. It was lacking some rawness to the entire film. Comic relief is provided throughout the film and I appreciate this perspective as well.

However, that is not the only point I will make about Persepolis. I found Marjane Satrapi’s point of view refreshing, to grow up in the heart of political turmoil as a young girl, with influences that are close to her heart. But it is also honest, because there was a point in her life when she strayed away from all that she had learnt. The many phases of her life shed light on the life of an individual. Growing up as a teenager both at home and abroad, experiencing a different culture as compared to her own, the scarf that draws the spotlight on her and other events become central to her life.

The interrelated text between politics and all other themes are connected closely within the film. The central theme of the autobiography holds a serious note throughout the animated film. However I personally feel that because it is animated, it downplays much of the "real" tension within the subject. Even so, comic relief is provided and I appreciate this perspective.

It does not lose any of its ideas and questions that are presented to Iranians and the rest of the world because the crux of this autobiography is how we view Iran as outsiders and how Iranians view Iran. The comparison is great and also the way the media portrays Iran. We are often misled to believe the media and all it says

The portrayal of a country and its ideals alongside the government with a chaotic undercurrent where the struggle for power would continue to exist within the frame of society, regardless of which country we may be living in. We are given an invitation into Satrapi’s life, her internal struggles and personal turmoil when it come to dealing with family, love, friendship, education and amidst all that, politics were at the center of everything.

In relation to the film and also other articles that have made their comment on the Islam world and its views, I find that it is often unfair for the Muslims, for the fact that they have to defend their faith constantly against those who condemn it. The judgment passed onto the rest of them for the wrong doings of a few are absolutely uncalled for.

Pecah Lobang

2009-08-03T05:18:00.001+08:00

In my lame effort to make up for missing out on "Our Burmese Days" that was shown in class during my absenteeism, I will review a documentary I watched during the KLPac Urbanscapes event earlier this year. Indicine at KLPac had always shown different genres of films and I would actually attend a screening from time to time, even if it wasn't on a regular basis.

Ahem, I have digressed enough. My point is, this particular documentary caught me in a thorny position of sorts. A taboo, touchy subject in Malaysia, a country whom most of us would agree, is a place that can be as open and warm one minute and as cold as ice in the next. It really would depend on what we are talking about. There are sore wounds out there tonight in the streets of KL, I hope they feel better when they watch this amazing film because to be absolutely frank, I felt for them.

"Pecah Lobang" directed by Poh Si Teng, features Muslim transsexual sex workers in Malaysia. In particular, she focused the documentary around the life of one person who relates the community as a whole and the difficulties they face in every day situations as well as being a Malaysia. To me, I found it complicated that we give ourselves definitions after definitions after definitions. Must it be as such? Of course, I will be amongst the first to disagree that we are individuals and to be an individual, thus we require clarity to prove ourselves amongst society and its many individuals. But to be exact, it is a tremendous task.

The Muslim/Transsexual/Sex Worker/Malaysian. We get four different distinctions of what it's like to be the main character in the documentary. I was torn watching her, when she explains her life, her role, her job, her struggle both internal and external. WHY. The question is why are we forced to separate our multitude of alter-egos in the face of "taboo" and "law" and discrimination. I am lost in my own thoughts about how she must feel every single morning as she wakes up to a country of people who take her as someone who shouldn't exist. I strongly believe she has made her choice in terms of lifestyle, because quite simply there is no other way to go about this situation.

Throughout the entire documentary, she shed tears on the legal difficulties that she had to endure, and apparently at the time of filming, it was on-going. The issue of changing the gender from "male" to "female" is opposed by the government, also with the fact that the character is Muslim, therefore religious matters come into play. Being a sex worker is something that leaves her with no other options because people simply won't hire you, on whatever reasons they may have. i feel so angry for her, for people like her, for people who don't understand her, for the way our society is run, the way our thoughts are structured to be. perhaps all my angst is for nothing, because in a way, i can do nothing. you can only change if you want to.

Is the refusal to accept the laws of society are we considered rebels to be prosecuted against? I just want my rights, to be heard and seen, because everyone’s opinion should matter. Not just the ruling government who gives clockwork instructions.

The Big Durian

2009-08-03T05:18:00.000+08:00

Racial issues are always the crux of our Malaysian culture. We like to talk about our various differences, who earns more money, who wears nicer clothes etc. How did the incident of Private Adam went amok at the beginning of the film turn into something that runs deeper within our nationalistic pride and notion of racial unity?

I like how Amir Muhammad used different people of different RACES to tell the one story of a man who started shooting in Chow Kit one night in October. It translates to the psychological warfare (I understand this phrase now, because I feel cheated. More on this later.) that is being played on us. Why, are we simple minded creatures who should follow like sheep in a herd? Fear remains the strongest factor as to why so many of us prefer to “cari makan” and close the chapter as it was right there. We do not want to interfere with things that we assume we can’t make a difference in.

I wish I understood this all earlier. Watching this documentary made me feel a tad stupider simply because the ignorant idiot in me has been clouded, shrouded, lied to, I feel CHEATED! In reference to my elders, I feel absolutely cheated. Each time I asked why such things happen in our country, they are ignorant as I was. “It’s the Malays who started it! Look, it’s in Kampung Baru! That’s the Malay area!” Why the difference between you and I, when the common ground does not lie with race, but with your nationality.

Why the racial issue will never end, only because we let it consume us from previous events. We are all the same, nothing but the same. We bleed red blood underneath all those different skins we live in. I don’t want to ask for anything more than the truth. It’s gruesome how we are so easily brainwashed by people of a hierarchy that cannot be breached. But after such passion, is it wise to remain defiant in the face of terror that strikes you in the core of your soul? There are resounding voices, encouraging us to go on and to never ever give up without a fight.

Farish Noor put it right, we elected these people for a reason. We wanted them to LEAD us in the right path. The majority elects the minority so that the minority may have the power to govern the country. What is the point, may I ask, if we appoint the repeated mistakes to head our country? To see change, you must make change. Certain parts of the documentary terrified me, the Star publications of those who were arrested was one of them. It scared me because at this time and age, ISA is already thought of as a system that works against the democracy ruling. And to think ISA existed in a time and age where people my age were not even born yet, and here we are, 20 years down the road and it’s still the same thing that’s been happening. Why? Because we let it happen.

It never surprised me that whilst some publications were closed down, while some prominent opposition party members were arrested, the ruling party had hardly anyone who stuck their foot out into the mud. Justice and peace has a long way to go before it finally reaches Malaysia. It hurt quite a bit seeing how some of are affected by it all, whereas the rest of us can’t be bothered. Why are we not bothered about what’s happening in our own country? This is a place I want to call home, I want to call it home and mean it. It’s a sack of empty words and empty promises by the very same people we elect, year in year out. It’s disheartening and lowers our morale in general.

I hope we can change, together.

2009-08-02T18:17:00.003+08:00

i have strange memories of alice in wonderland and the wizard of oz
i don't quite know how to put it in words so that you may understand what their significance is to me. maybe they don't even mean anything more to me than just stories that i enjoy reading. but i think it runs deeper than that. the yellow brick road and those red shoes, cheshire cat and the tea party, it boggles me when i dream about it all.
entirely vivid and real, in HD colour and all that stars and stripes

i wish i was stronger than this, i keep falling to where i can't fix what went wrong
and each time i go into that dark place, i can't help thinking "what's there to stop history from repeating itself?"

perhaps secretly, i like to be hurt.

2009-07-26T18:42:00.004+08:00

i meant it and i did.
the kooks got me wrong at this one.
i feel bad (do i really?), but it's an eye for an eye.

i live in the moment.

some things are better left unsaid.

maybe that's the common ground. you do a little, i do a little and those scales balance it all out.

you had me.

2009-07-05T00:39:00.004+08:00

the truth is something hideous, but curiosity will always get the better of me
i know, i've always known, and now i know for sure
it's always a choice.
i wish i was better at letting go.

my heart breaks sometimes it's all the reason i need to hold in now.

blood and tears

2009-06-14T15:18:00.002+08:00

it's a bundle of vices rolled in one bag of dreams
i've had some shit pickings lately

but in the real world, i've made some new friends who are, to say the very least, interesting.

will be on some sort of hiatus.

/break

three-o

2009-06-02T12:39:00.003+08:00

i think it's horseshit, not because he said what i didn't want to hear
but my life is my own
it's what i make of it that counts.

i hear you, all the way at the bottom of the ocean.

telur mata

2009-05-28T00:19:00.004+08:00

i like being a girl, it gives me tons of benefits
i get parking spaces in a crowded lot in a heartbeat because i smile and wave
people let me cut in their lanes on the road because i wear eyeliner
if i accidentally bump into someone pretty hard, i'm instantly forgiven because it's never my fault
security guards are also a lot more lax on identification because i ask what they had for dinner

but i also hate being a girl because of that time of the month
i drive myself crazy, i'm a walking disaster waiting to strike the next innocent victim.
by now, he can always tell when it's "on the way" because i'm extra extra difficult with a pickle on top.

i blame my hormones for fucking me up for at least 3 days of each and every month of my life from puberty til i hit the drought and there goes my ability to satisfy my lover
i am a volcano ready to erupt *pun not intended* whenever i ride the red wave

sometimes i wonder if this is what i really want in life
i feel so obligated and tied
yet so comfortable
i struggle to find a little niche to let go and sink in

i wonder if i have just settled and not asked for more
what if this is just all i'm getting?
shouldn't i ask for more?

i think this is just my hormones talking, like they do every month.

no surprises here.

p/s: if you have to say it to prove it, then i guess it wasn't worth it anyway.

red, soft and yummy

2009-05-26T11:49:00.006+08:00

appreciate what you have,
when it's out of your reach and gone with the wind
it'll be too late to get it back
the seed of doubt was planted in the darkest corner
in a moment of impulse
it still has every opportunity to set in roots for growth
all it takes is a reason

it's 2.47am in the morning and my stomach begs to be filled with something, anything. i'm a little glued to "ten items or less", not quite paying my full attention. my mind wanders off between my abdomen, the tv and somewhere else. i think about the strawberries i saw in the fridge the other day, my dad bought a big plastic boxful. they looked juicy and good enough to eat :P now, imagine my surprise when i saw only three succulent ones left. oh screw this, better to have had a taste than to not have it at all. i sprinkle more than enough sugar necessary on them. i mess around, the sugar turns a slight pink from the deep red of the fruit. i take one and sink my teeth into the soft flesh, sweet and a slight sour taste like all strawberries. people who tell you that strawberries are sweet are Pinocchios! it's the sugar that reels that taste in. it's cold and completely rich in flavourrrrrrrrrr. i finish all three in a matter of minutes, too soon. i wish i lingered on each bite just a little longer. in between them i swipe some tinged sugar and licked them off my fingers just because i can taste a little strawberry with quite a lot of sugar. the heads with tiny green leaves sticking out of them look a little lonely without their bodies, but somehow that's okay. being incomplete isn't too bad.

two streets away

2009-05-25T11:53:00.002+08:00

crows pecking a kitten's carcass on a hazy day
where's my BB gun?

she's forever stuck in some rut. dig away.

it's a sugar bomb

2009-05-23T01:23:00.001+08:00

i don't say it as often i used to.

and i am expressive, to say the least.

start-up

2009-05-22T01:14:00.003+08:00

she fell out of the wrong side of bed even if she had a bolster
she rolls over and hits the floor in a short instance
but she doesn't realize it and continues dreaming

it's a thud that wakes her father up, so he picks her up and puts her back in bed
the pillow always covers her face, like there's no room for breathing space
but it's comfortable.
sometimes it gets cold, but she hates blankets and kicks them away in a nightmare
she's a strange child

it's an obsession they inherit

money.

2009-05-18T01:34:00.005+08:00

i admit it, i spend all my money on food, petrol and certain indulgences
therefore i am broke half the time, nothing left over that would suffice to buy clothes, bags, accessories and the list goes on.
but it's not so bad.
what i REALLY don't get is how is that people complain they are broke and can still have dinner at fancy smancy restaurants, not to mention it's also a favourite past time to check out sales at various locations and PRETEND, oh i'm poor therefore i shop during the sale

dude, if you're POOR, you wouldn't have food on the table 5 times daily, a roof over your head and clothes on your back. so shut the fuck up about how poor you are and how miserable your life is.
this is COMPLETE BULLSHIT
i swear, that's one face I'd love to slap.

it's unbelievably irritating

anyhoo, don't mistake my honesty for cynicism
and mostly i do know that these idiots will realize with time, material goods are just that. material.

happy shopping people! :D

weather forecast: lovely sunny days ahead, it's been gorgeous weather on this plane.

on the home front, it's dismal at times but krispy kreme is here to save the day.
behold! sugar!
and i wish you'd just tell me what the fuck is wrong
i second guess and triple guess and you're so stressed out and i read what you write and it's your personal life and all that but you're really making it difficult for me to be your friend.
so just get it out of your system already.

i need to do something this week. something new.

i got owned.

2009-05-16T05:47:00.003+08:00

there's still so much we never knew about each other
weird.
but now we do (:
scrumptious sup kambing

i guess it holds true, you can't know someone inside out, not even if you've spent a lifetime together.

:S
i shall not let it go to the dark place. it does not exist. it's all in my head. all the monsters, yes some people actually look like monsters, their souls are tainted and Medusa is their idol.

i validate my own existence.

the cheese is the bait

2009-05-11T11:50:00.003+08:00

"Here's the litmus test - if it will upset the other party when they find out, I think it's considered cheating. So if you have to hide it, you shouldn't do it. no excuses whatsoever."

it's a lesson some of us skipped.

black and gold

2009-05-10T13:22:00.006+08:00

when you find you, come back to me.

i'm lost, wearing a mask in the city i don't quite know.

better than i used to be, stronger than you think i am
i'm a layer cake*

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

— Bob Marley

riddle my fiddle

2009-05-07T13:48:00.000+08:00

she has it in for me and love-starved
it's a strainer, coffee only please
magic numbers on the digital clock
neon-like and weak in the dark

it's estranged, you shouldn't do it like this

impatience is the root of all human error
it rings so true, in every action and every decision i have ever made in haste
if i had just waited, stopped to think, made a little more room.

i want a deeper conversation.

take two

2009-05-05T21:52:00.004+08:00

we were in ampang today
went by the place where he used to live
i drove up with my car
and everything was almost like a replica in that time frame
it's occupied for the time being by someone else

it was where it all started a year ago
i went over for a family dinner
and i remember it like it was yesterday
in all my nervousness, i was just glad that there were other guests as well

honestly i will save up money and buy that place for ourselves
it has a beautiful view and too many memories to leave behind

i don't want to forget what happened, so bear with my corny words and cheesy lines la ok? (:

the best is yet to come.

2009-05-04T21:31:00.004+08:00

it's one year today
i thought we were Time, ever changing, never stopping
and that stays true of us no matter what has happened

so close to ending it all, so near to the edge at one point (two months ago)
but we pulled through
the past is the past, the present is now and the future is unknown
and so we live for tomorrow and not yesterday.

it's a test, life's a fucking game we play everyday
but life can't stop the people who have a passion that overwhelms even ourselves at times
the flame flickered in vain, with nothing but a tiny glimmer of hope
and it burns today with such intensity

a relationship is as strong as the people who are in it
i find it incredible that he's my equal in so many ways
i understand why the trust is so hard to form between us
because if one was lesser than the other
it would just mean that there is no challenge
and we do have a little competition, and that's the drive i crave
i sought after it and honestly everyone else was just one big disappointment

i can't imagine being with someone who's incapable of understanding my personality
as so many of my past mistakes have proven
there is still much to learn, and i am willing.

i am as such, any change should come from within
not from the lips of another person who wants me to be someone else

to you, who tried to break this bond
to you, who have cheered us along
to you, who love and hate us for who we are and what we symbolize in your life
everyone played a role in this
for better or for worse

we didn't quite celebrate it, he was sick and his family was around
there was a family dinner, amidst some tension in the air
it's always the best when it's just the two of us
i'm going to burn him a CD
all those songs that were mind fucks a year ago til today (:

there's also a long running argument between us that the anniversary should be on the 5th instead of the 4th because the number sounds better and trust me, this is definitely not me +_+
in any case i got my way, as usual and it is the 4th :P

happy anniversary yang
i love you
cheers (:

you can't have it all

2009-04-28T14:52:00.003+08:00

thursday afternoon was spent hunting for a new outfit to no avail
but jack kerouac made my afternoon, a bargain like no other
then there was dinner at aunty jo's and a little drinking at changkat later
i don't like begging for company, but it turned out well in the end

friday was meant to be with just friends, only one showed up but even then we didn't meet
the house party at fiona's was good, even though the night ended rather lamely
my front tire punctured on the highway, we changed it and then ate some lok-lok while watching trannys getting picked up

saturday was just a family dinner, i decided against putting him through mental anguish so all the boys came later, and off we went to 21, had drinks drinks drinks, i don't remember half of what i did. apparently i wasn't exactly behaving appropriately =/ in any case, i got home and knocked out like a light.

come sunday, it was a slow afternoon and i spent the rest of the day with him, watching movies and eating. unbelievably quiet and just perfect. calls poured in at midnight onwards, i'm not a party animal la :P i can have a quiet night in ;)

monday was the slowest of all, just like a regular day. i had a great combo of all three beautiful aspects (: family, friends and lover. i had a slice of cake and plenty of kisses :D

an over-rated sort of birthday because it's the big 21
it was good, it was bad, i laughed, i cried, i fought and won, i battled and lost, it was a myriad of emotions and colours, i was on the highway of life and then i lost control and ended up in a mud raked ditch, crawled on my belly and did all that i could, it was still life that kept this on a thread, he says we should not cry because the damned don't cry, never truer than in the instance that self-pity absorbs your mind.

coup de grace

2009-03-31T10:52:00.002+08:00

the tests
the trials
the speeches
the silence
the thoughts
the words
the music
the footsteps
the fingerprints
the laughter
the sadness
the winter chill
the summer breeze
the autumn leaves
the spring fresh
the highs
the lows
the kisses
the tears
the love
the hurt
the good
the bad
the insane
the rationale

i am.

bite marks and coffee mugs

2009-03-26T10:39:00.003+08:00

because i think Nicolas Cage deserves an award for every damn movie he's ever been in, fml please.
except for faceoff and con air

because the reason wasn't to stay, it was to leave

because William Blake carved more than his name in me

because a circle symbolizes something with no end

because Judgment Day is like a Martin

because you're worth more dead than alive.

2009-03-26T00:29:00.002+08:00

I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience most of them, on the whole, are trash - Sigmund Freud

i contemplate on giving people an opportunity to prove me wrong
optimism should not fail me, or so i think.
but every chance you take, you disappoint me further.

i can't give up yet.
not right now.

i don't want to fall asleep at night feeling completely hopeless and thinking i have failed again at another attempt. i want to wake up, charged to take you head on.
maybe one day, you will see the other side.

hope is the only thing left that's worth something.

2009-03-23T07:55:00.000+08:00

my brother bought me a hairclip from his latest trip.
enough said.

2009-03-23T07:06:00.003+08:00

sick cycle, it's always the drink that gets me in the end.
hey, it's better than sleeping pills.
bob said i could OD on them +_+

essays are now just words. big words, small words, they are lost to me now.
everything i touch, turns to stone.

spontaneous combustion

2009-03-21T23:55:00.002+08:00

would you leave me out in the winter cold
was it just my imagination
or did that dream come true?
let me take you to where rainbows meet
only three miles away from the castles in the sky
paint the sky a deep amber
and call me when you find yourself

inhale deeply and plunge into the deepest ocean
take a moment to sink in the biggest cloud
they come in shapes that you carve with your mind

what's the meaning of it all if what we strive for amounts to nothing?
what's the value of each and everything we acquire?
what's the price we pay and is it what we look for?
does it equate to what we really desire?
don't you question the reason as to why we wake up everyday?
haven't you ever fallen asleep, thinking it'd all be over if you just didn't wake up again?
what's the point?
what is the damn point?

you can't give me what i want
you can't give me anything you think i want
so just give up already
just take ur shit and leave
don't stick around thinking i'm just craving and wanting your subtle nuances

you are nothing
you are nothing to me and you can't try to be what you have been wanting to be.
you just have to be.

jump the ship
break the bottle
slap your mother if you have to

just get out of that trance

stop waiting for people to save you
they will never come to your rescue
it's human nature to be selfish at first instance

"oh i understand how you feel"
fuck you
you don't understand anything.
don't even try
you'll get sucked into a warp of nothingness that you wished you never touched in the first place

when there's nothing left to burn
you've got to set yourself on fire.

i could never leave you even if i wanted to
you have too much of me

women must not give the secrets of their heart so freely
i do not blame my love
but my discretion

men will take love for granted if they should know at one glance that we would give the world for them
i am no such!

give me a little of yourself
it is not in my nature to give

i am intent in doing something no other has achieved

i shall be valued for me
i took the heat of my own soul
and moulded it and so triumphed!

what i think you want is power over me
which i do bridle at

for it is only i who can do what you say i can do
i want the passionate love
i want to sweep the hearts of the people
i wish to be moved
i cannot feel in life
you are spoken as a man who has a stomach for life

that women will ever view men with suspicion

life has no purpose
trembling confused
dry
unmoving lump i lie

i'm that hot shot down the block
i don't want to live in a box
this is my youth
this is my life
i'm on a foot long leash
bitch you can't handle the fucking truth
so i lie
just to make you feel better
ignorance is bliss

break into a run
slow down the beat
keep it going
just don't fall out midway

slow motion

2009-03-19T11:51:00.002+08:00

Arctic Monkeys - Only One Who Knows

In a foreign place
The saving grace was the feeling
That it was her heart that he was stealing
He was ready to impress
And the fierce excitement
The eyes are bright
He couldn't wait to get away
And I bet that Juliet was just the icing on the cake
Make no mistake, no
And even somehow he could have shown you
The place you wanted
Well I'm sure you could have made it that bit better on your own
And I bet she told a million people that she'd stay in touch
But all the little promise that don't mean much
When there's memories to be made
And I hope you're holding hands by new year's eve
They made it far too easy to believe
That true romance can't be achieved these days
And even if somehow they could have shown you the place you wanted
Well I'm sure you could have made it that bit better on your own
You are the only ones who know

two-timing

2009-03-16T19:07:00.003+08:00

they came right in for me.
i did nothing to stop them.
no, i didn't.
oh i didn't want to, i didn't mean to, i didn't...
it happened anyway.

what now?
what will happen now?
should i lie? should i pretend it didn't happen?
would i be able to wash my hands clean of that?

even if you could get over it, my conscience wouldn't let me go.

i get scared, terrified even, when i know we are just the same
no way, i don't exist as a man, i exist as i am
but you proved it all wrong.
that itself is so exhilarating, satisfying
there is definitely a male version of me
i've found what i've been looking for
how many of us can say we've met our match in this life?
i have, and it's been one exciting ride.
i wouldn't exchange this for the fucking world.
all the mistakes, all the right moves
damn right, this is the shit everyone begs for.
everyone else just pales in friggin comparison, it's pathetic.

baby, it's all been a game. just a mind game.
it's like being on fire. all i ever searched for was the fire and who started it.

2009-03-14T14:38:00.002+08:00

For a crowd is not company, and faces are but a gallery of pictures, and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love. - Francis Bacon

on another note, nothing impresses me now.
he was right. sometimes, i wish i was easier to please.

2009-03-14T13:13:00.002+08:00

i feel bad, for all the people who get used for money.
it's times like these i'm glad i'm not filthy rich
it's just disgusting to actually view someone for how much money they have
instead of what they really hold in their hearts

i guess i can say i was once that way
but not anymore
and i'm glad i have changed.
it's downright a shame.

you get what you deserve

the perishers - trouble sleeping

2009-03-08T17:26:00.000+08:00

I’m having trouble sleeping
You’re jumping in my bed
Twisting in my head
Leave me

I’m having trouble breathing
You’re sitting on my chest
I sure could use the rest
Leave me

It’s you
Why’s it always you
and never me?
I’ve never dared to let
my feelings free
Why’s it always you
and never me?
never cared
too much about honesty

I’m having trouble sleeping
I’m thinking of what you said
About the tears been shed
Leave me

It’s you
Now and always you
but never me
I’ve never dared to
let my feelings free
Why’s it always you
and never me?
never cared
too much about honesty

third eye blind - how's it going to be

2009-03-08T17:24:00.000+08:00

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder what are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder is there anything
I'm going to miss
I wonder how it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there's no one there to talk to
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like the hammock by the
Doorway we spent time in swings empty
Don't see lightning like last fall
When it was always about to hit me
I wonder how's it going to be
When it goes down
How's it going to be
When you're not around
How's it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
And how's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
I want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion oblivion
How's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
How's it going to be

the cardigans - for what it's worth

2009-03-08T17:22:00.000+08:00

One, two, three, four

Hey baby come round
Keep holding me down
And I'll be keeping you up tonight.

The four letter word got stuck in my head
The dirtiest word that I've ever said
It's making me feel alright.

For what it's worth I love you
And what is worse I really do
Oh what is worse I'm gonna run run run
'Till the sweetness gets to you
And what is worse I love you!

Hey please baby come back
There'll be no more loving attack
And I'll be keeping it cool tonight.

The four letter word is out of my head
Come on around get back in my bed
Keep making me feel alright.

For what it's worth I like you
And what is worse I really do
Things have been worse
And we had fun fun fun
'Till I said I love you
And what is worse I really do!

For what it's worth I love you
And what is worse I really do.
Oh

For what it's worth I love you
And what is worse I really do.
Oh

For what it's worth I love you
And what is worse I really do....

bettie serveert - lover i don't have to love

2009-03-08T17:16:00.000+08:00

I picked you out of a crowd and talked to you.
I said, "i like your shoes."
You said, "thanks can i follow you?"

So it's up the stairs and out of view-
No prying eyes
I poured some wine
I asked your name, you asked the time...

Now it's two o'clock-
The club is closed and we're up the block
Your hands on me; pressing hard against your jeans

Your tongue in my mouth, trying to keep the words from coming out
You didn't care to know who else may have been you before

I want a lover i don't have to love.
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck.
Where is the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet him here, but i'm not sure
I got the money if you've got the time
You said, "it feels good."
I said, "i'll give it a try."

Then my mind went dark
We both forgot where your car was parked
Let's just take the train
I'll meet up with the band in the morning

Bad actors with bad habits
Some sad singers they just play tragic
And the phone's ringing and the van's leaving
Let's just keep touching; let's just keep, keep singing...

I want a lover i don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Where is the kid with the chemicals
I got a hunger and i can't seem to get full
I need some meaning i can memorize
The kind i have always seem to slip my mind

But you..
But you...
You write such pretty words
But life's no storybook
Love's an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt

Do you like to hurt?
I do, i do
Then hurt me..
Then hurt me...
Then hurt me...

kt tunstall - other side of the world

2009-03-08T17:12:00.004+08:00

Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an iceberg
Waiting to change
But she's cold inside
She wants to be like the water

All the muscles tighten in her face
Buries her soul in one embrace
They're one and the same
Just like water

The fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the other side of the world to me

On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers and feelings alike
But the time has come
To move along

The fire fades away

Can you help me
Can you let me go
And can you still love me
When you can't see me anymore

The fire fades away

keane - bedshaped

2009-03-08T17:12:00.002+08:00

Many's the time I ran with you down
The rainy roads of your old town
Many the lives we lived in each day
And buried altogether
Don't laugh at me
Don't look away

You'll follow me back
With the sun in your eyes
And on your own
Bedshaped
And legs of stone
You'll knock on my door
And up we'll go
In white light
I don't think so
But what do I know?
What do I know?
I know!

I know you think I'm holding you down
And I've fallen by the wayside now
And I don't understand the same things as you
But I do

Don't laugh at me
Don't look away

You'll follow me back
With the sun in your eyes
And on your own
Bedshaped
And legs of stone
You'll knock on my door
And up we'll go
In white light
I don't think so
But what do I know?
What do I know?
I know!

And up we'll go
In white light
I don't think so
But what do I know?
What do I know?
I know!

electric president - good morning, hypocrite

2009-03-08T17:11:00.000+08:00

Seems like the roads stretch out like veins, but there's no heart.
Nature's haircut is concrete now, and we played our part.
So we sing ...

I've lost my taste for modern things. They're not for me.
I want mundane: a quiet place, where time is free,
And I can sing ...

Climbed from my bed, to collect the thoughts that'd fallen from my head,
And you watched me sink, through the carpet, through the basement, and beyond.
And you didn't blink.

On the glass, I traced the sun with my thumb. It sank into the ground.
And then the stars were blinking, like kids who were staring into the wind.
So I climbed through the window and walked until I lost my name.
Now I can play the victim. It's fine. I've seen it on TV.
But if there's one thing I know, it's that I never really know enough.

Our heads, our hands, our brains, our lungs: they're just machines.
These hearts are all that we've got left, and they don't beat.

Live a little, talk a lot; it's the way this goes.
I've come to fear the little knives beneath their well-pressed clothes.
Their arms are reaching; reach is spreading through the neon glow.
Their mouths are moving, but their voices sound like telephones.
The traffic hums; the traffic grumbles near my old window.
The street lights flicker; glow and hover like suspended snow.
I used to watch the moon retreat and wonder where it goes.
Now I just wonder why my head is overrun with ghosts

club 8 - love in december

2009-03-08T17:08:00.001+08:00

so this is love
in the end of december
quiet nights
quiet stars
and i'm here
monday to sunday
cause you're fragile
and i'm weak

so you fall
when the nights grow longer
into sleep
and won't wake up

and i'm here
i'm sitting beside you
and i'll wait until the spring

don't you worry
i'll be there for you
don't worry about me
you know me better than that
don't you worry
i'll be there for you
i'll catch you if you would fall

so you drift
when the days grow colder
away from me
and won't look back
far away
and i can't guide you
but i'm here
til the spring

don't you worry
i'll be there for you
don't worry about me
you know me better than that
don't you worry
i'll be there for you
i'll catch you if you would fall

don't you worry
i'll be there for you
don't worry about me
you know me better than that
don't you worry
i'll be there for you
i'll catch you if you would fall

i'll catch you if you would fall

2009-03-08T14:20:00.001+08:00

I don't want something that I can lose

2009-03-03T19:26:00.002+08:00

don't put my love on the runaway train
the spiral stairs which disappears into thin air
or the escalator that leads to nowhere

is it so hard to keep your heart?
no, no i can't stop someone from taking you away
but baby please, don't come and go as you wish
and just stay

you only hope we take a wrong step
and darling, there it all goes
does good prevail in this game?
would honesty and truth be the make or the break?

you don't get even the least from me
because you don't deserve it
despicable intentions underneath that pretty mask
but i wish you well, even if jealousy is your only friend.

find your own man, goddamnit.

deeper conversation

2009-03-02T00:04:00.003+08:00

Is your favourite colour blue?
And do you always tell the truth?
Do you believe in outer space?
I'm learning you

Is your skin as tan as mine?
Does your hair flow side ways?
Did someone take a portion of your heart?
Now I'm learning you

And if you don't mind can you tell me all your hopes & fears
And everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me....

I've let my guard down for you
And in time you will too

And if you don't mind can you tell me all your hopes & fears
And everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me....

And if you don't mind can you tell me all your hopes & fears
And everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me....

Deeper conversation with me
Deeper conversation

Does your name rhyme with mine?

i heard this tonight on the way to his place
there is no other
it was raining quite heavily
and the radio was fuzzy as usual
but i heard this song, and i was no longer in my car

i was next to him, lying on the mattress of ap's room
in the dark, looking at each other
listening to music
talking
reading each others minds
it was almost too much
but i couldn't stop myself
and i knew he couldn't either.

the bright brake lights brought me back to the car.
ah, we're beautifully equal

2009-03-01T15:07:00.002+08:00

you drilled into me that children are not filial
that the young ones never did show gratitude, appreciation, love
you mention, time and again, we would grow up and forget about the bosoms that we nestled in
the giant hands that led us across streets, shoulders that we sit upon
you were on repeat, how we do not care about you
how we live our lives in obscurity, privacy and solitude
that family was nothing to us

but the real question is, it's all reverse psychology isn't it?
that you say what you say because you want us to do the opposite of what you tell us.
let me tell you something, the answer is that no matter how much you try to backtrack our behavior, it will not succeed. you played this the wrong way.
every time you tell me i don't care about you, i really do care a little less.
and one day it will all dry up and there'll be nothing left to show for it.
it's sad, it's a pity, it's a sham
but you said it, you said it more than enough to make it come true.
now, you have your wish, you got what you asked for.

why then are you still so unhappy?

2009-03-01T12:57:00.001+08:00

Please, hold up my heart
Give me a reason for this empty silence

You're here but you seem so far
Why did you run away from me?
Is it because I'm not as pretty as I used to be?
Oh, like a picture on the wall,
Shoulda known that I was bound to fall,

So please, hold up my heart
Give me a reason for this empty silence
Please, hold up my heart
Darlin', I am changing, but everybody's changing too.

When I am weak, try to always find the best of you and me
But I will always be the one who understands you
Like a picture on the wall
Shoulda known that I was bound to fall

So please, hold up my heart
Give me a reason for this empty silence
Please, hold up my heart
Darlin' I am changing, but everybody's changing too.

We share hope, we share life
We share kisses by the fire
and I will always be the one who understands you

So please, hold up my heart
Give me a reason for this empty silence
Please, hold up my heart
Give me a reason for this empty silence
Please, hold up my heart
Darlin' I am changing, but everybody's changing too.

Darlin, I am changing, but everybody's changing too.

2009-02-28T15:23:00.002+08:00

A thousand times I've seen you standing
Gravity like lunar landing
You make me want to run till' I find you
I shut the world away from here
I drift to you, you're all I hear
As everything we know fades to black
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same
I find a place where we escape
Take you with me for the space
The city buzz sounds just like a fridge
I walk the streets through seven bars
I have to find just where you are
The faces seem to blur
They're all the same
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same
So much more to say
So much to be done
Don't you trick me out
We shall overcome
It's all left still to play
We should've had the sun
Could have been inside
Instead we're over here
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time too long defending
You and I are done pretending
I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
Everything will change
I, oh I, I wish this could last forever
I, oh I, As if we could last forever
Love remains the same
Love remains the same

oh so much to say
there's just no space to spill
do or die.
what ache is this
can you tell what my mind speaks?
and would you do anything to fix this?
no, i'm telling you, there is nothing you or I could do.

goober

2009-02-27T22:55:00.004+08:00

gosh facebook stinks of too much self-love in all those photos!
can you believe some people actually have like 900++ shots @_@
no comment.
slap her face, tak tau malu.
teng tou hoi geh meng tou siong xing hoi liong pa
actually that applies to a LOT of ppl, especially those who tak tau malu
anyways, i wish i was a boy for about a week or so every month
no, i don't want a penis.
no, i don't want to be stupid :P haha kidding!
but i'd just like to skip the PMS, the period and the aftermath.
it's so frustrating. i know i'm being difficult and yet i can't help myself but just to be difficult. damn chowcibai right?

and you know la, the whole cirit-birit thing, it just makes everything worse?
like seriously.
friday night? i'm too cool for parties so i stay home and read about how to gain power +_+
sien dou.
fuck, damn annoying laaaaaaa
wtf am i rambling about

a secret isn't a secret until one of two dies.

2009-02-27T15:49:00.001+08:00

i'm alone in this space.
there's nothing in between.
you gave me this solitude, and took everything i had.
and now i'm alone.