the past few days have been trivial. nothing to rave and get all smiley about.
but here's a little confession. i make it a point to read other blogs before i start writing a new post here. it gets me in the mood, to put things down to a little detail before i miss out on what was so exciting yesterday, or what got me swinging from the moonbeams the day before.
i haven't had an exciting, heart-thumping, adrenaline-rushing day in a while now.
the blurry images of rushing about town, getting chores done in time so i could leave the house in a rush to do more things in a rush. as always, it seems that there's never enough time to do what you really want to do with the people you want to do things with. do i make sense? even if you don't understand, at least i do.
my day consists of a cup of nescafe + creamer + sugar to kick it off and then some chores. Some reading accomplished. More chores. i surf online. e-mails, facebook haha, watch an episode or two of the L word, more chores. take a shower. watch a chinese tv drama. dinner calls now. and then night falls. msn beeps. it's about 1am before you know it. shut-eye time.
it is what it is what it is.
somebody drag me to a party, where i will beg to go home because i can't stand the noise now.
no shit.
26.11.08
24.11.08
game over.
i think it's fairly common that we talk to ourselves.
i just did as i was in the shower, i still am doing it as i am typing this.
a lot of people don't admit that they talk to themselves cause then they'll be labeled crazy.
well that's fine by me, because i think it's perfectly fine to voice out to oneself what he/she thinks at that moment. it could be an idea or rehearsing a part of a conversation you want to be a part of, even just random thoughts like how you would like very much to strangle that lady who gave you the evil eye for wearing that red lacy tube.
oh where am i heading with this?
the point here is, that i was talking to myself in the bathroom 5 minutes ago because i don't want to be a part of the cina-beng community. i saw that happening with my cousin. she studied journalism, a branch of communications, at a private university where it is famous for the multitudes of ah-bengs who go there. now, i've always had relatives telling me that since i'm also interested in this field, not journalism in particular if you must know, i should also attend that university because
#1, she attended that university, therefore it MUST be good.
#2, she has 'graduated' from that university, hence it's a worthwhile experience.
#3, she obtained a government loan for her entire course, so it is easier on everyone's pockets.
well, to all this i say, bullshit.
i don't want to be stuck in some ah-beng land wondering what the fishballs i'm doing in here.
why should i follow your footsteps? just because you're older, supposedly wiser? gosh it's such a joke really. i don't know why exactly i'm on a rant for this, since the topic has closed ages ago among my family members. but this train of thought has led me to the station where it is concluded that all the chinese people that i know, especially my family, are just being mengada. no, seriously. every little detail of everyone's lives are spread out on the dining table, from who did what at the office, to whose fault is it that the washing machine broke down yet again.
i have no right to bash other races when i don't understand their culture, the way things work in their circle etc but when it comes to me, the 1/2 of me that understands how the chinese work, yes i have every right to take to the bat and swing as hard as i can in the faces of one billion chinese people out there.
it's annoying. i don't want to end up studying, working with, living with chinese people who are so closed minded all my life. i saw that happening to my cousin and she's not out there at all. i mean for what it's worth, i've seen and experienced more in my 20 years than she ever will. it's no thanks to the upbringing, where everything that was labeled 'accordingly' and she probably never broke a law. she's picture perfect in everyone's eyes and can do no wrong.
oh puh-lease. spare me the cheese and just bring it on.
a classic example of how much they trust her decisions and opinions is when her parents went away for a short getaway and left her at home. now my grandmother definitely favours her, other than my eldest brother. i don't know what is so special about them, but they are her favourites alright. she used to get twice as much as we do for chinese new year, and sometimes even triple. of course back then, i used to whine like fuck cause she'd get over one k, and i wouldn't even reach a hundred bucks. but i digress, she's home alone and my grandmother wants to check up on her, "oh have you had dinner yet?" bla bla bla... and the thing is, she was also invited to sleep at our place while her parents were away. and that's cool.
BUT SHE SAID NO. *jeng jeng jengggggggg*!
her reason was that she wants to stay at home and study and besides she has got friends coming to sleepover, so no worries darling grandma, she'll be fine.
oh how nice...
so my grandma concedes defeat and tells her, okay darling, take care and be good.
a couple of nights later, the old lady calls up the house and wants to know if she's eaten yet etc.
to HER surprise, not mine definitely, no one answers.
well duh, you didn't actually think she'd be sitting at home, WAITING for your phone call?
geez man, does it take a genius to figure out that by now? fuck you guys are slow.
she ain't no saint. you guys just put her up on a pedestal to make her look gorgeous when all she really is, is human like the rest of us.
and i totally laughed in my grandma's face. i swear.
i was discreet about it, i was politically correct.
but i won an enormous victory that night and i'll never let anyone forget about it.
you see, i don't have a personal vendetta against my cousin.
she's alright y'know.
but my chinese family has had it in their mind to create some sort of rivalry, so that we can compete and see who emerges the winner.
in all our 'contests' so far, i've always lost because i never did give a shit about winning anybody's affections by brown-nosing and licking boots.
it started when we were damn young and it has continued til now.
gimme a break la ok
even if you're not sick of it, i am!
and no one was being fair.
i'm two years younger, damnit!
obviously i lose out on time.
if i may say so, i make up for it with charm and wit and streetwise skills she doesn't have.
still, even with all my bonus features, they aren't happy with the end result.
and after my grandma gave up calling my cousin that night, i could see that she was contemplating about how could her beloved favourite grand-daughter could be someone she never thought she'd be, like me.
sorry to burst your bubble. but damn right i did.
i dislike favoritism, even if it does have it's pros and cons.
it makes us detest one another, breaks sibling relationships and just make things sour.
so fuck it i say.
all this while, you pretend in front of everyone that it's fine and dandy
but inside, you're just burning to tell it all out, that so-and-so's a fat liar, and just have things out in the light instead of always being seen as the underachiever and ridiculed for what we really are.
i never said i would hide, but i don't have a choice.
if i ever told anyone in my family how i really am, what i really do,
chances are they'll just push me further down and ignorance is always blissful in the chinese community.
sungguh mencibaikan.
i just did as i was in the shower, i still am doing it as i am typing this.
a lot of people don't admit that they talk to themselves cause then they'll be labeled crazy.
well that's fine by me, because i think it's perfectly fine to voice out to oneself what he/she thinks at that moment. it could be an idea or rehearsing a part of a conversation you want to be a part of, even just random thoughts like how you would like very much to strangle that lady who gave you the evil eye for wearing that red lacy tube.
oh where am i heading with this?
the point here is, that i was talking to myself in the bathroom 5 minutes ago because i don't want to be a part of the cina-beng community. i saw that happening with my cousin. she studied journalism, a branch of communications, at a private university where it is famous for the multitudes of ah-bengs who go there. now, i've always had relatives telling me that since i'm also interested in this field, not journalism in particular if you must know, i should also attend that university because
#1, she attended that university, therefore it MUST be good.
#2, she has 'graduated' from that university, hence it's a worthwhile experience.
#3, she obtained a government loan for her entire course, so it is easier on everyone's pockets.
well, to all this i say, bullshit.
i don't want to be stuck in some ah-beng land wondering what the fishballs i'm doing in here.
why should i follow your footsteps? just because you're older, supposedly wiser? gosh it's such a joke really. i don't know why exactly i'm on a rant for this, since the topic has closed ages ago among my family members. but this train of thought has led me to the station where it is concluded that all the chinese people that i know, especially my family, are just being mengada. no, seriously. every little detail of everyone's lives are spread out on the dining table, from who did what at the office, to whose fault is it that the washing machine broke down yet again.
i have no right to bash other races when i don't understand their culture, the way things work in their circle etc but when it comes to me, the 1/2 of me that understands how the chinese work, yes i have every right to take to the bat and swing as hard as i can in the faces of one billion chinese people out there.
it's annoying. i don't want to end up studying, working with, living with chinese people who are so closed minded all my life. i saw that happening to my cousin and she's not out there at all. i mean for what it's worth, i've seen and experienced more in my 20 years than she ever will. it's no thanks to the upbringing, where everything that was labeled 'accordingly' and she probably never broke a law. she's picture perfect in everyone's eyes and can do no wrong.
oh puh-lease. spare me the cheese and just bring it on.
a classic example of how much they trust her decisions and opinions is when her parents went away for a short getaway and left her at home. now my grandmother definitely favours her, other than my eldest brother. i don't know what is so special about them, but they are her favourites alright. she used to get twice as much as we do for chinese new year, and sometimes even triple. of course back then, i used to whine like fuck cause she'd get over one k, and i wouldn't even reach a hundred bucks. but i digress, she's home alone and my grandmother wants to check up on her, "oh have you had dinner yet?" bla bla bla... and the thing is, she was also invited to sleep at our place while her parents were away. and that's cool.
BUT SHE SAID NO. *jeng jeng jengggggggg*!
her reason was that she wants to stay at home and study and besides she has got friends coming to sleepover, so no worries darling grandma, she'll be fine.
oh how nice...
so my grandma concedes defeat and tells her, okay darling, take care and be good.
a couple of nights later, the old lady calls up the house and wants to know if she's eaten yet etc.
to HER surprise, not mine definitely, no one answers.
well duh, you didn't actually think she'd be sitting at home, WAITING for your phone call?
geez man, does it take a genius to figure out that by now? fuck you guys are slow.
she ain't no saint. you guys just put her up on a pedestal to make her look gorgeous when all she really is, is human like the rest of us.
and i totally laughed in my grandma's face. i swear.
i was discreet about it, i was politically correct.
but i won an enormous victory that night and i'll never let anyone forget about it.
you see, i don't have a personal vendetta against my cousin.
she's alright y'know.
but my chinese family has had it in their mind to create some sort of rivalry, so that we can compete and see who emerges the winner.
in all our 'contests' so far, i've always lost because i never did give a shit about winning anybody's affections by brown-nosing and licking boots.
it started when we were damn young and it has continued til now.
gimme a break la ok
even if you're not sick of it, i am!
and no one was being fair.
i'm two years younger, damnit!
obviously i lose out on time.
if i may say so, i make up for it with charm and wit and streetwise skills she doesn't have.
still, even with all my bonus features, they aren't happy with the end result.
and after my grandma gave up calling my cousin that night, i could see that she was contemplating about how could her beloved favourite grand-daughter could be someone she never thought she'd be, like me.
sorry to burst your bubble. but damn right i did.
i dislike favoritism, even if it does have it's pros and cons.
it makes us detest one another, breaks sibling relationships and just make things sour.
so fuck it i say.
all this while, you pretend in front of everyone that it's fine and dandy
but inside, you're just burning to tell it all out, that so-and-so's a fat liar, and just have things out in the light instead of always being seen as the underachiever and ridiculed for what we really are.
i never said i would hide, but i don't have a choice.
if i ever told anyone in my family how i really am, what i really do,
chances are they'll just push me further down and ignorance is always blissful in the chinese community.
sungguh mencibaikan.
22.11.08
i wanna tap that.
quantum of solace. it sounds suave, debonair, cool, bond-ish, but i don't understand what it means.
+_+ i watched it yesterday with the pirate. boleh-lah. it can pass off as an action-packed flick, with the near hits and misses, the bloody clothes, Daniel Craig's tight ass and how could i forget the Bond girl whose name i can't pronounce? Olga something something. SHE'S SMOKING HOT. imma gonna go google her nude, i mean her super sexy body shots :D
to be honest, it was pretty unrealistic as to how this movie went down. a secret agent seeking revenge for his dead traitorous ex-girlfriend. and how is it possible that 007 could still be jumping around like a cat on hot coals in a burning hotel, shouldn't he be suffocating to death already? and nobody drives an aston martin with the driver's car door missing +_+ and all of a sudden he's in the middle of a desert. wei beb, tak masuk akal la. but i don't care, olga's still hotness personified.
i'm not a fan of Bond, not even going gaga when Pierce Brosnan was the shit. It's just one of those cult based things i didn't bother being a part of. i'd much rather be part of a fan base where the idol is... *points at picture*
how can you not WORSHIP such a body! @_@
siiiiiigh.....
other than raving over her stunning body, yesterday was fun. it's been awhile, and a lot of issues came up and we're emo people. hahahaha. he's been hanging out too much with me. i sorta forgot how to chill out with friends. it's weird i know. but i gotta work on that :)
+_+ i watched it yesterday with the pirate. boleh-lah. it can pass off as an action-packed flick, with the near hits and misses, the bloody clothes, Daniel Craig's tight ass and how could i forget the Bond girl whose name i can't pronounce? Olga something something. SHE'S SMOKING HOT. imma gonna go google her nude, i mean her super sexy body shots :D
to be honest, it was pretty unrealistic as to how this movie went down. a secret agent seeking revenge for his dead traitorous ex-girlfriend. and how is it possible that 007 could still be jumping around like a cat on hot coals in a burning hotel, shouldn't he be suffocating to death already? and nobody drives an aston martin with the driver's car door missing +_+ and all of a sudden he's in the middle of a desert. wei beb, tak masuk akal la. but i don't care, olga's still hotness personified.
i'm not a fan of Bond, not even going gaga when Pierce Brosnan was the shit. It's just one of those cult based things i didn't bother being a part of. i'd much rather be part of a fan base where the idol is... *points at picture*
how can you not WORSHIP such a body! @_@
siiiiiigh.....
other than raving over her stunning body, yesterday was fun. it's been awhile, and a lot of issues came up and we're emo people. hahahaha. he's been hanging out too much with me. i sorta forgot how to chill out with friends. it's weird i know. but i gotta work on that :)
17.11.08
warning: tearjerker effect
i'm not a hopeless romantic, neither am i a sucker for loveydovey shit
but i can be a sap and a big baby when it comes to certain things.
it's very ungirlyfied of me but fuck that.
who cares?
so i've heard of P/S: I Love You, the book and the movie.
i know how the story goes, good looking couple, man dies and leaves behind letters for his wife bla bla bla aww damn sweet such things are practically extinct
but yes, i watched the movie for the first time yesterday and couldn't stop crying from the 30th minute of run-time +_+
oh i'm sorry i'm a crybaby but seriously it's fucking sad and fucking emo and damn sweet at the same time
and it's damn POTONG STEAM cause my brother came around and made me pause the movie while he used the printer @_@ nia cipettttt!
but honestly, if you don't at least tear watching this, you memang mou sum kon (no heart! no soul!)
i thought the couple resembled some people i know (;
and that what he did for her, the events planned out for an entire year, letting her move on, giving her freedom to move on and fall in love again, omg damn wai tai (generous) cause no shit, i can't pull that!
it's just another love story for a lot of people, but the thought of merely being just a chapter in one's life isn't exactly something i want for myself or for anyone else.
don't take anyone for granted. sigh wtf i'm giving advice to myself actually.
but i'm damn grateful (:
<3 you.
but i can be a sap and a big baby when it comes to certain things.
it's very ungirlyfied of me but fuck that.
who cares?
so i've heard of P/S: I Love You, the book and the movie.
i know how the story goes, good looking couple, man dies and leaves behind letters for his wife bla bla bla aww damn sweet such things are practically extinct
but yes, i watched the movie for the first time yesterday and couldn't stop crying from the 30th minute of run-time +_+
oh i'm sorry i'm a crybaby but seriously it's fucking sad and fucking emo and damn sweet at the same time
and it's damn POTONG STEAM cause my brother came around and made me pause the movie while he used the printer @_@ nia cipettttt!
but honestly, if you don't at least tear watching this, you memang mou sum kon (no heart! no soul!)
i thought the couple resembled some people i know (;
and that what he did for her, the events planned out for an entire year, letting her move on, giving her freedom to move on and fall in love again, omg damn wai tai (generous) cause no shit, i can't pull that!
it's just another love story for a lot of people, but the thought of merely being just a chapter in one's life isn't exactly something i want for myself or for anyone else.
don't take anyone for granted. sigh wtf i'm giving advice to myself actually.
but i'm damn grateful (:
<3 you.
15.11.08
i want to eat in peace, please.
i had breakfast at the ungodly hour of 8am this morning
mostly i don't come across as a person who likes to eat at old school kopitiams and someone you'd ask along for a foodie trip, but truth be told i LOVE going around town, snuffing out nooks and crannies for a good bowl of noodles *drools*
now at this particular place in downtown KL, there's a stall that sells some super scrumptious noodles, to me it's unbeatable (:
it's got the makings of a stall that operates illegally, with the familiar trinkle of customers every morning, customers who share their tables with other customers (in chinese, it's called "taap toi"), orders being shouted across the the tables, the steaming pot of boiling water that doesn't seem to run out of gas, the wooden chopsticks and porcelain chipped bowls, all of that and it's right next to the main street. it sounds dirty, messy and horribly disorganized but it's all part of the experience.
to date, i have brought along a few friends to try this out with me, and i would say that the reviews ain't half bad.
it's a place that holds all sorts of weird memories for me, like for instance this stall is strategically placed directly opposite a tuition centre which i attended during pre-PMR and pre-SPM days like wth, super random, and at night the street is converted to a foodie bazaar, of which one stall sells a crazy "sup kambing"! meleleh air liur!
when my grandpa was still around, we'd go to this noodle place at least once a week, cause he knows the family that runs the business etc, and it was a warm pleasant feeling to just chill out with family like that, y'know?
anyway, i'm digressing. i guess the main point of this post was THIS morning's breakfast
so back to that. sitting alone at some obscure corner of the tiny space this place has, a man showed up to "taap toi" with me, and it was cool, no objections, i'm just going to eat and leave.
it turns out he's a regular, and the drink man is an acquaintance of his. so they start talking low tones that i can't make out what they are saying. by and by, i could hear a little of what they were saying and it is actually the drink man bragging to my neighbour about where they've been for the holidays etc, how expensive it is to travel and so on.
eavesdropping isn't exactly my favourite past time, but you can't switch off your ears either.
in any case, it's such a typical chinese thing to do (yes, i'm racist, sue me!), to tell an acquaintance that you have not met in a while about the recent "things" you've done, i.e. eaten at luxurious courts, traveled to faraway lands and made lots of money. all this besting and competing is SO FAKE. get real mister. he's not in any mood to listen to you brag while having a good bowl of noodles for breakfast on a cool saturday morning. to be polite is the least anyone could do.
can you imagine eating your favourite snack with some harry breathing down your neck, spouting his latest escapades? seriously. +_+ hovering should be banned, especially during my bowl of noodles.
mostly i don't come across as a person who likes to eat at old school kopitiams and someone you'd ask along for a foodie trip, but truth be told i LOVE going around town, snuffing out nooks and crannies for a good bowl of noodles *drools*
now at this particular place in downtown KL, there's a stall that sells some super scrumptious noodles, to me it's unbeatable (:
it's got the makings of a stall that operates illegally, with the familiar trinkle of customers every morning, customers who share their tables with other customers (in chinese, it's called "taap toi"), orders being shouted across the the tables, the steaming pot of boiling water that doesn't seem to run out of gas, the wooden chopsticks and porcelain chipped bowls, all of that and it's right next to the main street. it sounds dirty, messy and horribly disorganized but it's all part of the experience.
to date, i have brought along a few friends to try this out with me, and i would say that the reviews ain't half bad.
it's a place that holds all sorts of weird memories for me, like for instance this stall is strategically placed directly opposite a tuition centre which i attended during pre-PMR and pre-SPM days like wth, super random, and at night the street is converted to a foodie bazaar, of which one stall sells a crazy "sup kambing"! meleleh air liur!
when my grandpa was still around, we'd go to this noodle place at least once a week, cause he knows the family that runs the business etc, and it was a warm pleasant feeling to just chill out with family like that, y'know?
anyway, i'm digressing. i guess the main point of this post was THIS morning's breakfast
so back to that. sitting alone at some obscure corner of the tiny space this place has, a man showed up to "taap toi" with me, and it was cool, no objections, i'm just going to eat and leave.
it turns out he's a regular, and the drink man is an acquaintance of his. so they start talking low tones that i can't make out what they are saying. by and by, i could hear a little of what they were saying and it is actually the drink man bragging to my neighbour about where they've been for the holidays etc, how expensive it is to travel and so on.
eavesdropping isn't exactly my favourite past time, but you can't switch off your ears either.
in any case, it's such a typical chinese thing to do (yes, i'm racist, sue me!), to tell an acquaintance that you have not met in a while about the recent "things" you've done, i.e. eaten at luxurious courts, traveled to faraway lands and made lots of money. all this besting and competing is SO FAKE. get real mister. he's not in any mood to listen to you brag while having a good bowl of noodles for breakfast on a cool saturday morning. to be polite is the least anyone could do.
can you imagine eating your favourite snack with some harry breathing down your neck, spouting his latest escapades? seriously. +_+ hovering should be banned, especially during my bowl of noodles.
everything it is and more.
Love can be a game
It can be trusting
or sensual
It is chosen, complicated
At times, dishonest and torturous.
Love is sometimes forbidden, even innocent
Unconventional, impossible, perhaps murderous
Love would spell heartbreak, control, and hopelessness
It is incurable but generous.
Love is an art.
It can be trusting
or sensual
It is chosen, complicated
At times, dishonest and torturous.
Love is sometimes forbidden, even innocent
Unconventional, impossible, perhaps murderous
Love would spell heartbreak, control, and hopelessness
It is incurable but generous.
Love is an art.
13.11.08
ignore that voice in your head.
you who invented jealousy must have been a person with too much free time on hand
that there was nothing else to do but to make believe stories in your head
to mislead yourself into thinking about something that wasn't there
i hate being tested, it takes so much effort to be more than what you're capable of.
even if it means that i can do it, it doesn't mean i should have to be placed in such a compromising position. it's simply unfair. and really, i truly hate such situations.
they are awkward, like talking to a good friend who has BO or bad breath
you've got to suck it in and wait til the conversation is over so that you can breathe without asking for permission.
and of course, the grass always looks greener on the other side, but the shepherd boy says otherwise and to believe him seems to be the foolish thing to do since i believe what i see. and hope against hope you want to believe that the shepherd boy's just looking out for you and obviously he knows best because he's been taking the sheep around that area for years, and now you, a mere tourist wants to tell a seasoned professional what he should do in his own backyard, that his grass is just too damn green? well do the right thing and believe him. find another shepherd and ask for his opinion, he'll tell you the same thing.
i hate being a green eyed monster ):
i really do.
it's no fun being the one who's all worked up over nothing, i believe you i do i do!
it's a nuisance, it's tiresome
it breaks me down, it breaks you do
and it works like a double edged knife.
oh fuck this mossy shit.
surely i have better things to do than to think of irrelevant people, and moments of doubt such as these only work for the worst of us, and i'm determined to beat this son of a bitch.
say it with me now: completely unnecessary *repeat as often as possible*
it's a waste of time and neurons on this matter
because after all, if the shepherd boy lies about it, karma is set to rock and roll
but i digress, women are engineered to be so damn emotional about everything.
it's through no fault of my own that i am made female
this world of constant vanity and comparison makes me ill sometimes.
every sally, belle and mary are out there just waiting to be the next supermodel/actress/celebrity whilst jotting notes on getting slimmer so that they can achieve the anorexic look, which surgeon to go to so that they can get the best deals for nose job/boob job/face lift/botox jab. i mean seriously, going under the knife is just like taking a drive to the supermarket.
all this competition, and you tell me to believe in myself?
honey, you must be living in the stone age!
i'm scared. at the end of it all, i am scared. i'm afraid that one day you would lose that faith in me, and jump ship anyway, i'm afraid that boredom creeps in and it will be over before i know it, i'm afraid that you'd fall for someone else and forget that i ever existed. i'm afraid of 5 million things, but perhaps i should be more afraid of not living as i should, that fear and terror are the only things holding us back from doing what we want to do, and every single probable future plan of mine includes you. if i can't stop thinking about irrelevant things like green eyed monsters, that future would most likely not come true at all.
sungguh mencibaikan.
that there was nothing else to do but to make believe stories in your head
to mislead yourself into thinking about something that wasn't there
i hate being tested, it takes so much effort to be more than what you're capable of.
even if it means that i can do it, it doesn't mean i should have to be placed in such a compromising position. it's simply unfair. and really, i truly hate such situations.
they are awkward, like talking to a good friend who has BO or bad breath
you've got to suck it in and wait til the conversation is over so that you can breathe without asking for permission.
goddamnit.
and of course, the grass always looks greener on the other side, but the shepherd boy says otherwise and to believe him seems to be the foolish thing to do since i believe what i see. and hope against hope you want to believe that the shepherd boy's just looking out for you and obviously he knows best because he's been taking the sheep around that area for years, and now you, a mere tourist wants to tell a seasoned professional what he should do in his own backyard, that his grass is just too damn green? well do the right thing and believe him. find another shepherd and ask for his opinion, he'll tell you the same thing.
i hate being a green eyed monster ):
i really do.
it's no fun being the one who's all worked up over nothing, i believe you i do i do!
it's a nuisance, it's tiresome
it breaks me down, it breaks you do
and it works like a double edged knife.
oh fuck this mossy shit.
surely i have better things to do than to think of irrelevant people, and moments of doubt such as these only work for the worst of us, and i'm determined to beat this son of a bitch.
say it with me now: completely unnecessary *repeat as often as possible*
it's a waste of time and neurons on this matter
because after all, if the shepherd boy lies about it, karma is set to rock and roll
but i digress, women are engineered to be so damn emotional about everything.
it's through no fault of my own that i am made female
this world of constant vanity and comparison makes me ill sometimes.
every sally, belle and mary are out there just waiting to be the next supermodel/actress/celebrity whilst jotting notes on getting slimmer so that they can achieve the anorexic look, which surgeon to go to so that they can get the best deals for nose job/boob job/face lift/botox jab. i mean seriously, going under the knife is just like taking a drive to the supermarket.
all this competition, and you tell me to believe in myself?
honey, you must be living in the stone age!
i'm scared. at the end of it all, i am scared. i'm afraid that one day you would lose that faith in me, and jump ship anyway, i'm afraid that boredom creeps in and it will be over before i know it, i'm afraid that you'd fall for someone else and forget that i ever existed. i'm afraid of 5 million things, but perhaps i should be more afraid of not living as i should, that fear and terror are the only things holding us back from doing what we want to do, and every single probable future plan of mine includes you. if i can't stop thinking about irrelevant things like green eyed monsters, that future would most likely not come true at all.
sungguh mencibaikan.
12.11.08
your call.
learning to speak another language is really a bitch sometimes.
i can't singsong along with the audio cd
and i remember half the words that are mechanically said.
so at the end of it all, i just don't remember what i've just said, on repeat.
nevertheless, i'm as excited as a child getting a brand new puppy
i'm definitely looking forward to this trip, even though it may mean that i will be spending a couple of important family vacations and celebrations away from home.
it's strange to think that i've accepted someone else's family as my own, or at least people that have begun to make a regular appearance on my stage.
think of it as one of those local dramas you watch, like that kopitiam show with mano maniam in it. we've got the regulars, the extras, the dramas, the weird props and maybe even an occasional make up artist or someone to do our hair.
the script can range from happy to angry, sober and drunk, funny and sarcastic with random splashes of wit and ridiculous notions. i hear conversations that unearth history, pretty artifacts or ugly bits of ruined pieces. it's something like my own family stage, but they have yet to meet the other side, and many times i've felt worse than i really should because in truth i'm not ashamed of these guests, but i've always had to move them aside when my own family comes to play. they hide behind a thinly veiled curtain, joking and fooling around whilst this other side goes about their daily routine without maybe the slightest inkling.
i can't decide whose company i would enjoy more, but i do think that i would not be able to choose should you give me that option
is it too fast a move? i recall CD saying that sometime back, when i mentioned to her that i just got back from a weekend getaway with said family, and she sounded surprised that things were that serious. to me, i guess she didn't know the extent of our relationship but it got me thinking, are we really moving too fast or are we just comfortable with how everything is already that steps were taken without discussion?
i have nothing, absolutely nothing against such progress at all.
but in the eyes of other people, they seem to think that for us, this is the real deal.
i believe so too, and for many reasons, i'm glad of it.
i would absolutely hate being one of those people, being strung along for a ride just because i happened to be at the right place and the right time, or rather the wrong person and a wrong choice.
this is NOT a rant, it's jut one of those things that's buried beneath many other thoughts that it surfaced gradually and reflected recent events.
i can't singsong along with the audio cd
and i remember half the words that are mechanically said.
so at the end of it all, i just don't remember what i've just said, on repeat.
nevertheless, i'm as excited as a child getting a brand new puppy
i'm definitely looking forward to this trip, even though it may mean that i will be spending a couple of important family vacations and celebrations away from home.
it's strange to think that i've accepted someone else's family as my own, or at least people that have begun to make a regular appearance on my stage.
think of it as one of those local dramas you watch, like that kopitiam show with mano maniam in it. we've got the regulars, the extras, the dramas, the weird props and maybe even an occasional make up artist or someone to do our hair.
the script can range from happy to angry, sober and drunk, funny and sarcastic with random splashes of wit and ridiculous notions. i hear conversations that unearth history, pretty artifacts or ugly bits of ruined pieces. it's something like my own family stage, but they have yet to meet the other side, and many times i've felt worse than i really should because in truth i'm not ashamed of these guests, but i've always had to move them aside when my own family comes to play. they hide behind a thinly veiled curtain, joking and fooling around whilst this other side goes about their daily routine without maybe the slightest inkling.
i can't decide whose company i would enjoy more, but i do think that i would not be able to choose should you give me that option
is it too fast a move? i recall CD saying that sometime back, when i mentioned to her that i just got back from a weekend getaway with said family, and she sounded surprised that things were that serious. to me, i guess she didn't know the extent of our relationship but it got me thinking, are we really moving too fast or are we just comfortable with how everything is already that steps were taken without discussion?
i have nothing, absolutely nothing against such progress at all.
but in the eyes of other people, they seem to think that for us, this is the real deal.
i believe so too, and for many reasons, i'm glad of it.
i would absolutely hate being one of those people, being strung along for a ride just because i happened to be at the right place and the right time, or rather the wrong person and a wrong choice.
this is NOT a rant, it's jut one of those things that's buried beneath many other thoughts that it surfaced gradually and reflected recent events.
10.11.08
let bygones be bygones
it just hit me, i've been one selfish brat.
don't get me wrong, it takes a lot of me to admit that i've been mistaken.
especially when it's something that i don't want reminisce about.
maybe in this case, i held on so hard that i forgot what it was like to breathe on my own.
after all, i'm responsible for my own happiness.
i regret (just a little) at the way i handled things at that time.
it was unfair, painful and not to mention, really messy.
stupid gemini children! would it kill you to just speak your mind?
oh fuck it. it's not like i can do anything now to repair the irreparable anyways.
don't get me wrong, it takes a lot of me to admit that i've been mistaken.
especially when it's something that i don't want reminisce about.
maybe in this case, i held on so hard that i forgot what it was like to breathe on my own.
after all, i'm responsible for my own happiness.
i regret (just a little) at the way i handled things at that time.
it was unfair, painful and not to mention, really messy.
stupid gemini children! would it kill you to just speak your mind?
oh fuck it. it's not like i can do anything now to repair the irreparable anyways.
that night job. that red light.
transvestites should be given their own legal rights to be recognized as members of society.
i just watched "Princesa", in brief it's about a transvestite who's looking for a way out of making a living by whoring, and she travels far from home to search for jobs that would pay well enough so that she would have a sex change op. but she changes her mind in the end because it appears that she's been living a lie all this while by playing housewife to her "husband". it's quite explicit but you get the story at the end of it. i imagine it to be quite painful to be in a position like that, to be ostracized by society and have no end to name-calling. not to be able to find a proper job, something legal, something less demeaning. she even wanted to commit suicide at one point.
my family is one of many out there who don't understand that we need to include gays and transvestites into our everyday lives. after all, we are all human, the only difference is how we go about our daily lives. they find it unacceptable that such people roam around freely. frankly, i don't really care for them, i might even laugh at them sometimes. but when you really think about it, they are just trying to make ends meet. just because you're gay, doesn't mean you can survive on that fact alone.
people who say that it's haram, or that it's against religion etc, should be shot. it's hard enough to live feeling awkward and strange, to have people look at you in odd mannerisms all the time, and now you need to shove that kind of ridiculous notions into their heads?
what, you think they don't have enough shit to think about that you need to mess up their heads even more?
get real. don't pretend to be holier-than-thou. it's disgusting.
i just watched "Princesa", in brief it's about a transvestite who's looking for a way out of making a living by whoring, and she travels far from home to search for jobs that would pay well enough so that she would have a sex change op. but she changes her mind in the end because it appears that she's been living a lie all this while by playing housewife to her "husband". it's quite explicit but you get the story at the end of it. i imagine it to be quite painful to be in a position like that, to be ostracized by society and have no end to name-calling. not to be able to find a proper job, something legal, something less demeaning. she even wanted to commit suicide at one point.
my family is one of many out there who don't understand that we need to include gays and transvestites into our everyday lives. after all, we are all human, the only difference is how we go about our daily lives. they find it unacceptable that such people roam around freely. frankly, i don't really care for them, i might even laugh at them sometimes. but when you really think about it, they are just trying to make ends meet. just because you're gay, doesn't mean you can survive on that fact alone.
people who say that it's haram, or that it's against religion etc, should be shot. it's hard enough to live feeling awkward and strange, to have people look at you in odd mannerisms all the time, and now you need to shove that kind of ridiculous notions into their heads?
what, you think they don't have enough shit to think about that you need to mess up their heads even more?
get real. don't pretend to be holier-than-thou. it's disgusting.
you talk way too much bullshit.
i hate arguing with you
in fact i hate any kind of conversation with you because all you ever do is to make me feel BAD, feel SORRY, feel ANGRY, feel PISSED and eventually i'll cry.
i'm literally speechless when it comes to taking a shot back at your smarty pants one liners.
it's funny, you speak so much of religion and how you found God again.
it's really something, and i admire a belief that's so strong.
but you've used it as an excuse to look down on your own family.
i don't know how it is with you and your friends, maybe it's how the saying goes, "birds of a feather flock together." i don't really care anyway? just that you need to learn how to respect the people whom you grew up with, who took care of you when you were sick, who cook your meals, who wash your clothes, who gave you everything when you asked for it and now you're giving us attitude?
i'm not alone in feeling this way, and i'm glad for it. because that shows i'm not a judgmental person, neither am i someone who only cares for everything else but my family.
i can't even begin to tell you how important my family is to me.
i'd be less than nothing without them, and you've forgotten that all in the sight of your GOD!
pray tell *pun intended*, which God would tell you to forsake your own family?
which supreme being out there would advise you against any respect for those who love and care about you? your devotion to your faith is admirable, only that i think religion is a story made to move millions of hearts, and that everything is a story in itself anyway. your preaching drives me up the wall, because you're so confident that you're right, and that your stance is the only one that should be followed. i don't think i ever knew you as a person, because i look at you now and i just feel empty.
it's sad, i know. but i can't do anything about it because you are so unwilling to let people into your life, you don't share anything with anyone who lives under the same damn roof and it's a pity because you will realise one fine day that you will have lost everything and gained nothing and to come crawling back to this home would be THE day. you think giving up time for your church can make you a better person? sure it does. your fellow church goers would think that you're a devout and pious Christian and that is one side to be proud of, definitely. but you don't see that when you prioritise one thing above everything else, and that there is no balance whatsoever, that you forget to love the hand that feeds you, "bagai kacang melupakan kulit" then you ought to be shot.
i can talk about this the whole night.
i hate that it eats me up inside.
and truly, ignorance is bliss.
p/s: what is the fucking point of asking me when you're gonna do it anyway? you just want to pretend to be polite right? *muka frust nak mati*
in fact i hate any kind of conversation with you because all you ever do is to make me feel BAD, feel SORRY, feel ANGRY, feel PISSED and eventually i'll cry.
i'm literally speechless when it comes to taking a shot back at your smarty pants one liners.
it's funny, you speak so much of religion and how you found God again.
it's really something, and i admire a belief that's so strong.
but you've used it as an excuse to look down on your own family.
i don't know how it is with you and your friends, maybe it's how the saying goes, "birds of a feather flock together." i don't really care anyway? just that you need to learn how to respect the people whom you grew up with, who took care of you when you were sick, who cook your meals, who wash your clothes, who gave you everything when you asked for it and now you're giving us attitude?
i'm not alone in feeling this way, and i'm glad for it. because that shows i'm not a judgmental person, neither am i someone who only cares for everything else but my family.
i can't even begin to tell you how important my family is to me.
i'd be less than nothing without them, and you've forgotten that all in the sight of your GOD!
pray tell *pun intended*, which God would tell you to forsake your own family?
which supreme being out there would advise you against any respect for those who love and care about you? your devotion to your faith is admirable, only that i think religion is a story made to move millions of hearts, and that everything is a story in itself anyway. your preaching drives me up the wall, because you're so confident that you're right, and that your stance is the only one that should be followed. i don't think i ever knew you as a person, because i look at you now and i just feel empty.
it's sad, i know. but i can't do anything about it because you are so unwilling to let people into your life, you don't share anything with anyone who lives under the same damn roof and it's a pity because you will realise one fine day that you will have lost everything and gained nothing and to come crawling back to this home would be THE day. you think giving up time for your church can make you a better person? sure it does. your fellow church goers would think that you're a devout and pious Christian and that is one side to be proud of, definitely. but you don't see that when you prioritise one thing above everything else, and that there is no balance whatsoever, that you forget to love the hand that feeds you, "bagai kacang melupakan kulit" then you ought to be shot.
i can talk about this the whole night.
i hate that it eats me up inside.
and truly, ignorance is bliss.
p/s: what is the fucking point of asking me when you're gonna do it anyway? you just want to pretend to be polite right? *muka frust nak mati*
4.11.08
korp kun kaa
it's 5.30am now and i'm still awake. i remember stepping into your house for the first time that sunday afternoon 6 months ago, taking in every inch of the space. i fell in love with the place at first sight. i saw everyone, post-trip and i hang around downstairs so as to appear that everything was hunky-dory when in fact my heart was beating faster than it should be. i was afraid to venture into your room for a minute there, hesitation even. and you were half awake with the sunlight pouring in and you clad in your yellow flowery blanket (as described before), with abbas dead to the world on the bed. i was still reeling from last night and a little groggy from the drinks and i had to see it to believe it. Did i really call you last night for two hours pouring my heart out???? well it turns out i did, and i remember it like it was yesterday, and it was beautiful, for you to be playing with my hair while we talk about things that were just utterly normal. it didn't seem like anyone existed then. only you, and i. you've described your room to me before but to see it for myself, the place where we would first make love and talk for hours before falling asleep in each other's arms.
i can't write beautiful poetry like you do but i sure hope my words here tell you how i feel. my mind is of many thoughts jumbled up together. you make up most, if not all of it.i remember you telling me that you felt uncertain of how i was towards this relationship, our relationship at the beginning and truly it was a precarious step for me to take but it has been worth every risk and more. i believe that in every relationship, there are different points of time where one would feel less secure than the other and i think we both have had our fair share.
yang, it's completely absurd of me to be insecure at all but i'm only human and the idle mind is of course the devil's workshop. just know that my love for you won't change or fade and nothing short of wild horses could drag me away from you.
happy 6 months :)
i can't write beautiful poetry like you do but i sure hope my words here tell you how i feel. my mind is of many thoughts jumbled up together. you make up most, if not all of it.i remember you telling me that you felt uncertain of how i was towards this relationship, our relationship at the beginning and truly it was a precarious step for me to take but it has been worth every risk and more. i believe that in every relationship, there are different points of time where one would feel less secure than the other and i think we both have had our fair share.
yang, it's completely absurd of me to be insecure at all but i'm only human and the idle mind is of course the devil's workshop. just know that my love for you won't change or fade and nothing short of wild horses could drag me away from you.
happy 6 months :)
2.11.08
sawatdeekaa!
it's got to be the groggiest day ever.
nothing beats it, hands down.
i wake up at 8 ish cause my mom insists that i go to the graveyard with the rest
and honestly i was in no shape to even move.
things just started going "bump!" for me
and i fell asleep after breakfast til about one
when i woke up, i finished watching the talented mr.ripley which btw is not a bad movie at all! (:
that was the climax i achieved the ENTIRE DAY.
spent the rest of the time, passing in and out of sleep.
now i'm wide awake, yet to expand my essay.
i'm going to say fuck that shit, i'm too damn malas to do it now
if i'm failing that paper, i'm failing that paper
i'll just take another elective. memang malas to go and figure out facts and stats for it now. seriously.
my entire sunday has been a half-assed one.
on another note, did you know that to learn elementary Thai at Erican( it's a language centre that's quite popular in KL), you have to pay 2.4 K! wtf, daylight robbery! in the space of three months/30 hours, it's a bloody ripoff. i mean, who's deluded enough to pay so much for that!
i'm not la, definitely. it's either you're bleeding rich, or just a nitwit.
it's annoying that there aren't any learning centres that are NOT out to bleed you dry.
dude, not everyone stores gold bricks in their homes.
shouldn't there be other teaching ethics, like the satisfaction of TEACHING?
cukup. i'll do it myself ((:
nothing beats it, hands down.
i wake up at 8 ish cause my mom insists that i go to the graveyard with the rest
and honestly i was in no shape to even move.
things just started going "bump!" for me
and i fell asleep after breakfast til about one
when i woke up, i finished watching the talented mr.ripley which btw is not a bad movie at all! (:
that was the climax i achieved the ENTIRE DAY.
spent the rest of the time, passing in and out of sleep.
now i'm wide awake, yet to expand my essay.
i'm going to say fuck that shit, i'm too damn malas to do it now
if i'm failing that paper, i'm failing that paper
i'll just take another elective. memang malas to go and figure out facts and stats for it now. seriously.
my entire sunday has been a half-assed one.
on another note, did you know that to learn elementary Thai at Erican( it's a language centre that's quite popular in KL), you have to pay 2.4 K! wtf, daylight robbery! in the space of three months/30 hours, it's a bloody ripoff. i mean, who's deluded enough to pay so much for that!
i'm not la, definitely. it's either you're bleeding rich, or just a nitwit.
it's annoying that there aren't any learning centres that are NOT out to bleed you dry.
dude, not everyone stores gold bricks in their homes.
shouldn't there be other teaching ethics, like the satisfaction of TEACHING?
cukup. i'll do it myself ((:
1.11.08
quikclean
i have a couple of hours to spruce up my essay that's due this weekend
i'm too darn lazy to get it moving, it's still at 6.25% for a two hour piece of work
surely i need to pick it up by now!
but there are 5 million excuses not to; i still have loads of unwatched movies sitting in the hard drives, moonlight resonance is showing now via dvd haha wtf my grandma's hooked. and the weather is just too damn hot. for you buggers out there, yes yes it's winter, snowing bla bla bla. well i don't know if i'd rather be here or there.
i spent the first few waking hours stuffing my face with bacon and turkey ham :D
then the conversation progressed along a serious vein for my grandma and mom
*jengjengjenggggg* marriage!!!!!
oh i can't believe it really.
all this kahwin kahwin business.
you see, my older siblings have yet to tie the knot
and my parents are in a little bit of a dilemma
"why is it taking so long!"
it's no rush to have grandkids and all
omg i'll be auntyhidethebooze :P
and for the fact that i'm such an emo person when it comes to my family
even if it's the next necessary step
i'm not the first one jumping headlong into this deep end.
so my grandma relates like 5 million stories about who and who hooked up, when and where
mr and mrs so-and-so had it like this, like that etc
it was interesting to hear such odd tales in the middle of the afternoon when one is still groggy from the heat. my parents celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary next month and it's so sweet that after so long, everything's still (almost) jolly good ((:
it makes me wonder if i'll have that as well
if my siblings would have the same
if our families would still be tight like it is now
i don't know for sure
but i hope it will retain some resemblance to what i have grown to have and cherish.
my mom is in a situation where she does not know how the chinese go about such rituals.
her people did things differently and my grandma was giving her pointers on the "how-to's"
i'm excited and sad and feeling a bit nonchalant all at once.
it means a lot, that they will have their own families and lives in time
and for the age gap, i can't help but feel left out.
sorry for the haphazard typing, in between lines, different points and whatnot
so many things running through my head
that i'm just sometimes, lost for a few words to explain it all.
i'm too darn lazy to get it moving, it's still at 6.25% for a two hour piece of work
surely i need to pick it up by now!
but there are 5 million excuses not to; i still have loads of unwatched movies sitting in the hard drives, moonlight resonance is showing now via dvd haha wtf my grandma's hooked. and the weather is just too damn hot. for you buggers out there, yes yes it's winter, snowing bla bla bla. well i don't know if i'd rather be here or there.
i spent the first few waking hours stuffing my face with bacon and turkey ham :D
then the conversation progressed along a serious vein for my grandma and mom
*jengjengjenggggg* marriage!!!!!
oh i can't believe it really.
all this kahwin kahwin business.
you see, my older siblings have yet to tie the knot
and my parents are in a little bit of a dilemma
"why is it taking so long!"
it's no rush to have grandkids and all
omg i'll be auntyhidethebooze :P
and for the fact that i'm such an emo person when it comes to my family
even if it's the next necessary step
i'm not the first one jumping headlong into this deep end.
so my grandma relates like 5 million stories about who and who hooked up, when and where
mr and mrs so-and-so had it like this, like that etc
it was interesting to hear such odd tales in the middle of the afternoon when one is still groggy from the heat. my parents celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary next month and it's so sweet that after so long, everything's still (almost) jolly good ((:
it makes me wonder if i'll have that as well
if my siblings would have the same
if our families would still be tight like it is now
i don't know for sure
but i hope it will retain some resemblance to what i have grown to have and cherish.
my mom is in a situation where she does not know how the chinese go about such rituals.
her people did things differently and my grandma was giving her pointers on the "how-to's"
i'm excited and sad and feeling a bit nonchalant all at once.
it means a lot, that they will have their own families and lives in time
and for the age gap, i can't help but feel left out.
sorry for the haphazard typing, in between lines, different points and whatnot
so many things running through my head
that i'm just sometimes, lost for a few words to explain it all.
have you met him yet?
i've always felt a certain kinship towards him
we met on the 19th of april 08, and i remember so clearly because it was the very day that i also met the better half of me.
goodness knows i always thought of him as a little boy who needed advice and guidance in this big bad world out there, and he turns out to be someone who has seen more, done more than i have at his tender age. i can't quite place where i find the child in him, it could be just me, being a nurturing older sibling figure. there's no love lost between my younger cousins and i anyways.
but back to it, it's a strange feeling.
i've always said this to the lover, that i saw him as someone that i would share a chocolate bar with if it were the last that we had. it's a weird analogy, i know. but does it make sense to you? because it certainly does to me.
i mean i would share a chocolate bar with a lot of people, but he's the first one i'd think of if it were in the right circumstances and etc. well anyways, it's either you get it or you don't.
just that for some unknown, unexplained UFO wtf reason i'm surprisingly fond of him.
i barely know him and yet i look out for him, tell him to stop damaging his body, do what's right, remind him of certain "not-to-do's"... it does sound like i'm being a busybody, like wtf it's none of ur damn business what this guy does, why do you care so much
but you'll get it when you get it.
i think everyone meets someone like that in their life.
someone you think got separated from you from birth, or an old friend you've made in the past.
you just KNOW that it's someone that you know, or at the very least care about enough to give two hoots about their life.
true enough, in reciprocation a couple of weeks after we met, or thereabout, he started telling me stories under some influential products. but i felt honoured that i was the vessel for this.
not so much that the stories were unheard of, but because it was a matter of trust.
believe you me, there were other individuals for the cause, but i like to think that it was more than just plain coincidence.
and so, from there it grew, conversations that were serious, funny, sarcastic, mean etc
bak kut teh sessions that i refused to have when he was away for about a good two months, i gave in anyways.
stoning times to be just floating away in space
i'm glad to have met him.
cheers mate ;)
cheers mate ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)