23.7.08

cramped/

it's not like i don't love you.
i do, but you make it hard for me to even try.
and of course, the harder i try, the harder it gets.

technically, you don't own me.
i don't own you either.
if i followed every single rule that was laid out in the book,
wouldn't i be just like everyone else?
or rather, wouldn't i just become someone i've always been fighting not to be?

i care about you
but at the end of it, i care about myself and what i want the most.
and so do you.
don't you dare deny it.
it's human nature.
i don't blame you

but it's not what we'd be happy with.
to be frank, i'd rather just be alone.

i am miserable
and suffocated.
you are scared
and dominating.

if at one time i felt like i could share everything with you
i regret that now
it is obvious that if there's anything i say at all
you take it with doubt
suspicion

you want complete control over everything i do or say
my mind is my own.
your reasons do not stand valid
culture has shaped you that way.
but it does not mean that it is accepted by everyone.
least of all, by me.

letting me go doesn't mean i'll leave you forever.
your grip is hurting me
and i resist to bite

i'm finding a way to claw out of this.
i only ask that there is space to grow
right now, the only space i see is the space you want to stuff me back in.

21.7.08

today was different.
tomorrow will be different too.
it's nothing out of proportion.
but i think more than that, it's an experience.

perhaps all this while
i've been hiding in this dark hole
shielding my eyes away from what could be everything and more than you'd expect it to be?

i run through all the roads and rivers of this country.
the wind, the grass beneath my feet
the clouds and the rain above me
i smell dewdrops on the leaves those trees grow

where does it all go?
to where no man alive has been before.

i cry the tears you don't deserve.
and everything comes back.
but you, you can delve into nothingness
and be forgotten.

i see people all around me
teasing and slow
everyone's dancing but no one is.
i see you in my mind.
there's no one else but me and you.

i dance like i'm alone in the forest.

9.7.08

slap the mofo's face.

oh no you didn't
seriously you need a tight slap in the face.
and maybe you need to get robbed of your handphone and money, etc.
just maybe.

have you heard the words coming out of your mouth?
how fucking arrogant you sound like?
shit, your nose is so high up there i can't even see the tip of it.
why do i put up with people like you?
because your friend is nice.
correction, your FRIENDS are nice.
you, on the other hand, you are one sorry excuse of a guy.

listen, why i chose to put "have sex" up there along with that list is my own damn business. what the fuck has it gotta do with you or your fucking narrow minded piece of ass? NOTHING. absolutely nothing. so shut the fuck up and get back to where you came from cause it's pretty damn obvious you haven't gotten enough education. oops my bad, you came to college for education right? sure looks like you ain't getting any. and besides, haven't you heard? sex sells. period. what the fuck's your problem? your head too far up your asshole you can't think properly?
just because you can't come up with awesome ideas like that doesn't mean other people can't.
and what business is it to you if i've had sex before or not?
man, i feel stupid for not giving it to you in your face right there and then.
you think you're so fucking smart.
well you know what, i totally knocked your presentation over.
BOWLED OVER.
please go back to your country or do us all a favour and die off.

sometimes i wonder if i'm too nice.
i think i am. that's why you walked all over me the other day.
well mister, i'll have you know this much.
you don't come from malaysia.
you don't know how it works here.
your father may be some big time dude somewhere on that continent,
but you sure aren't anything here but a tourist.
what's that you said? student visa?
kiss my scrawny ass.
if you aren't careful about what you're shooting your mouth around about
you might just end up as a laborer.
yeah, that won't be looking any good to your chick would it?
after all, she'd be looking to get some, and if you ain't giving it to her
she'll get some other dick to suck on.
so seriously, even if i can take your shit,
it doesn't mean other people can.
or the fact that they will.
cause there are other people who can't take fucking shit like that.

get a life and some manners. or just wilt away.
i'm completely disgusted by your swagger, attitude and most of all the fact that you think you're so damn hot. nigga please. you look fucking ugly. you hear me? FUCKING UGLY.
i'm just glad this is the last week of class.
i won't have to see you, hopefully for the rest of my time in college.

7.7.08

once, twice, thrice.

you know when i think the cheating starts?
it's when it gets emotional
not physical.

when the third party gets you where it matters
they pick at that little sore spot you got there on your heart
when it's not so much about who's hot and who's not
it's tough to stay true when that happens

it's then that it starts to get real messy
when they get inside your head, your heart
they don't even need to be in your pants.

everyone's had a situation like that.
it's how they handle it that makes all the difference
you can give in, and break your lover's heart
you can suck it in and just forget that person ever existed
should have, could have, would have.

it's tough making decisions like those.
even tougher when it was right in the palm of your head and you didn't take it because you knew your conscience would kill you for it and yet there's so much of you that wanted to because there wasn't going to be another opportunity like this again.

people come and go.
sometimes they return.

6.7.08

four walls.
again. i'm going to hang myself.
goodbye world.

why do they like doing this to me?
isn't it bad enough that i don't get to go to bangkok?
and that i can't even go for a movie marathon?

why do i have to fight so hard for freedom that is mine?
it gets embarrassing, when i'm at so-and-so's house and i have to excuse myself by 10pm because the people at home can't sleep.
omg it's so za dou i don't even know what to say to that.


so we're at hartamas one saturday evening
people i haven't seen in maybe a year?
people i don't talk to a lot
people i'm pretty much alright with
it's a farewell. but proper goodbyes shouldn't be said at such a place, at such a time.
it seems a happy occasion but truly, it's one of those things that make you realize this could be it. this could be the end of it all.
and with that, maybe there's also a new beginning.
maybe not for me, but for everyone else there that night.

is it a crime to want?
not like i would ever have.
it's the intention that matters.

5.7.08

I'm spoiled
By your love boy
No matter how I try to change my mind
What's the point it's just a waste of time
I'm spoiled by your touch boy
The love you give is just too hard to fight
Don't want to live without you in my life
I'm spoiled


too true and i miss him to bits and pieces. less than a week til i get to see you again (: i like spending my weekends with people i don't usually see, do things i don't usually do. but lately it seems really dreary i don't go new places, don't do new things =/ it's kinda depressing, staying at home all the time.

i went for breakfast, the hakka mee place.
usually i am uneasy being in a public place, eating alone.
i get all paranoid that people are staring, or they want my seat *the place is quite small and there are always customers*
but this morning, i tried to pace myself. calm down. no rush.
a family of four sat on my left. speaking in hakka. i tried to listen to see if i could understand as much as i thought i would. i can't.
a son wheeled his mom to the table on my right.
not too sure what's going on, but next thing i heard, was the sound of a sauce platter cracking on the concrete floor.
she was paralyzed on her left side.i pretended to be interested in my barley drink, swirling the bits around my glass. growing old has its pains.



1.7.08

lost.

honestly fuck this shit la
i don't get it
why does so much crap have to happen within the last 24 hours?

it's seriously fucked up
if only you could see how screwed up the entire situation is
you probably wouldn't even believe me.

i don't know her, and i don't know how it was like when you were with her
i didn't know you then, and i'm not going to say she's not a bitch or she is or whatever
to set the record straight, i don't know her but anything that i've heard of her
is negative.
there's nothing positive at all
choosing to talk about it again, no matter what the reason, shows that you can't let go.
i don't know if it's denial on your part or maybe it's just the same with everyone...
for me, i don't think it's possible to completely forget.
there will always be bits and pieces left somewhere on the sidewalk.
but i wonder why you are so affected by it.
i don't believe in retaliation.
after all, she doesn't deserve any of the time and attention that is given.

to be fair, it's your past.
i have no right to ask about it.
it's personal.
but i can't help but feel insecure *yes, insecure is my middle name now* and even, threatened.
i just wish it would all just end.
for your story and her's.

there are still some people missing in the picture as of now.

you're the missing piece in my jigsaw puzzle.

i saw my favourite little boy, and julie and dennis.
goodness i feel like a stalker, outside of ac's toilet wtf
but yeah all that weird shit paid off.
i don't even want to think how many people must have thought i was crazy or if i was hallucinating.
but yeah, i was a little apprehensive because i only saw three of them.
"is there a fourth person here?"
hugs all around because it's been almost a year since i saw them! (:
funny thing is, i saw zaim too and that two people should say the same thing to me in one day.
"i just want you to be happy. as long as you're happy, then that's good enough."
it makes me feel loved, even if i don't see you guys often enough
but you know me, you know me.
i don't know if i would have sat down at that table if i knew he was going to be there.
i highly doubt it.

i'm not the best person to deal with when it comes to such sensitive issues.
but tomorrow, tomorrow will be a better day.

as for you, you don't know me.
please don't come up with jackshit.

and i seriously need a vacation. i don't feel like doing my paper.
i wish i was going to bangkok with the peanuts.
and more than ever, i wish he was back here already.
another week to go, possibly more.

just a little

lean on me when you are weary
speak to me when there is too much on your mind
let me in, i promise i'll keep you

i'll always listen as long as you want me to
i'll stay as long as you'll have me
trust in me, i'll be here for you.







it's always darkest before the dawn