it used to be.

some days i miss him

like when someone mentions his name
or when i see a photograph
just stills.

it stirs, a forgotten feeling. how close we used to be, liplocked or otherwise.

it's like a moment chooses to sit with me and then float away.

there's no guilt, or even regret in doing what's done.
but he'll always have what i've left behind.

the love we give away is the only love we keep
-elbert hubbard-

i think it's true.
nothing could be more apt.
except for the saying that "the love that we give away will never be returned"
which would be made simpler if i said that whatever feelings we ever had for someone, we can't take them back.

it's almost depressing, knowing that you once gave up so much for someone, to have that one walk away

mushrooms.

cruising along that street
i get familiar waves
of what used to be
real isn't what real is anymore

you numb off, turn off, switch off, roll over, cut off, tune out
and my words seem like whispers above the ground

i wonder what my real aim in life is
i want to be get to the kind of status that allows me to have a cigarette in one hand and a beer in another, telling him/her/whoever that i won't stand for such shit, just get it done.
that's the kind of power i want to wield. not to crush, not to dominate, but to be in a position that gives me self satisfaction that i am doing my job the way i want to do it.

okay i am just rambling shit wtf
today's a weird day
maybe cause it's been three days since i've been out of my house
it was driving me up the walls wtf
i would have torn everything apart
if i had to stay one more day in that place
listening to a broken record
repeating everything three times and more
i am sorry
it is mean of me
but it is the truth
i can't stand being at home.
period.

and no, this post had nothing to do with mushrooms.
;)

trapped.

i won't let you get to me.
if this is how you see it
i can't change your mind
you will live like you want to
like you always have
and be poisoned by exaggerated words
it's a choice
but making me live by that choice is not something i will take as it is.


you know you have hurt me
and you try to make up for it
what are you trying to shield
there is nothing to hide from
and if you don't give me what i deserve
i will have to find some way to get it.
by free will or by force
by hook or by crook

it's mine to take, mine to keep
how dare one tie another down with no thought for personal freedom
imagine, you in my shoes
perhaps then you understand why this is a need, and not a want.

it's a physical restraint
not the kind that you think it is
but rather, you are not me.
how, then, can you comprehend what this would mean?

reason beyond reason, i can't reach further.

waterfalls

i wonder what i did to deserve this
it's funny, after about a year drifting along this, of dating random people
of having fling after fling, strangers in my bed, actually trying it out with people i don't even really like..
i guess i got lucky
things seem really really good now
it's a new start
but i am blessed (:
maybe God thinks it's time for me to get real

"this is the best relationship ever, we mutually like each other and there are no games."

i'm still a little scared
my guard is still up, i'll give you that much.
it's fucking crazy, how we feel the same about each other
the trust, the things we say
what the fuck is all i can react to it.
it's insanity
and if it doesn't drive me crazy now, it will drive me crazier later.

i guess i'm just scared of letting him in too deep.
even though i know there's no such thing as coming out of it later.

let's build walls together.

fin.

that was a great show.
thank you very much!
even i was fooled.
ah, the naive little girl, you almost had me.

it's a cardinal rule.
don't cheat.
i can take the truth.
sure, i might feel a little hurt
but it wasn't necessary.
you had no need to lie.
don't fucking lie to me.
not about shit like this.
i was actually serious about giving this a real shot.
here it is for you, i wasn't ready either
but YOU wanted to try, and i felt why not?
i wouldn't say that you were my last shot
that would be foolish
but i did hope to goodness you meant what you said
how hard can that be
i came clean
fuck you
and your pills.
and your idea of wanting someone to be with you
you only wanted me the way you wanted me.
even as a friend now, would you ever think i could look at you and not think of what you created.
everyday now, you'd have become a part of me, not nearly there. but just enough.

on the other hand, our similarities are seriously freaking both of us
if i were to write it down
it'd begin with music.
we were thinking of mariah carey
and volcano, gabriel
ribena is a favourite drink *most wtf of all*
real conversations
reading choices
etc

even so i don't think there are feelings involved on his side
we click.
but i sense that there's nothing more to it.
at the same time, i get the chemistry.
it's overwhelming.
sometimes i wonder if it's just me
or is it my imagination

but the eyes can't lie
not mine, not yours
you know as well as i do
we're in too deep

you know what this mind is reeling on about
and i am that much closer